Strippers Shocked to be Left High and Dry By RNC

No one prepared for the RNC like the strippers. As reported on CNN, the GOP usually means great business for strippers. Republicans are statistically more likely to outspend Democrats heavily at topless bars and strip clubs according to the head of The Association of Club Executives which is an organization for the nation’s 4,000 “gentleman’s club” owners. In anticipation of the arrival of hundreds of pent up, wealthy, horny republicans, Tampa strip clubs added talent, new rooms and food menus. Clubs took out ads inviting GOP delegates "to party like a liberal" in a city where the "poles are open all night."
Maybe the mermaids were titillating enough, or it is the storm, or maybe the politicians are too worn out from all their pro-life and tax reform conversations, but for whatever reason, the fish aren't biting and the empty clubs are filled with frustrated owners and cranky strippers who are shocked that the conservatives aren't getting liberal. One dancer known as "Jill" whined to the Tampa Bay Times "So where is everyone? What is everyone doing? Are they sleeping? Republicans have money."
Sorry "Jill" looks like you won't be making your college tuition this week.

But one club, Thee DollHouse, did meet their expectations with an increase of visiting Republicans slipping their tax dollars into the panties of 'Sarah Paylin'. Not to be confused with the former Vice-President candidate who she greatly resembles, this is Lisa Ann, the adult film star of the 2008 "Who's Nailin Paylin?" She was brought into town special for the event to deliver the "stimulating keynote undress" and you betcha those boys were excited.


 Well we can only hope that these last few days will be lucrative for these strippers. With all the rain in town, it would be a shame for them to stay dry. Yep, I went there.

RNC Gets the Mermaid Vote

A mermaid swims at the Florida Aquarium for RNC.

Ok republicans. I am onto you. I see what you are doing here. By having mermaids at the Tampa Republican National Convention you think I am going to forgive you for all the ridiculous things you have said recently. Well it doesn't. I am shocked that mermaids are flipping their fins with the republicans. I was certain that those free-spirited flowing mermaids would vote democrat. None the less, I heard there are going to be unicorns and double rainbows at the Democratic National Convention.

Sleeping Beauty Speed Dating

Real life is no fairy tale. And yet recently there seem to have been lots of people out there who are trying to lure us to believe otherwise. There were the ridiculous Louboutin Cinderella shoes. The website that allows you to design your own Prince Charming. And who could forget the ad for the plastic surgeons responsible for turning the Little Mermaid into a chesty tramp or that chivalrous knight riding about Canada. Fairy tales are wonderful, but I think they should probably just be left to Disney.
Case in point: a Ukrainian artist has set up a unique installation in Kiev at the National Art Museum in which five young women lay sleeping in the gallery from August 22nd- September 9th waiting to open their eyes when they are kissed by a suitor they feel a connection with. If they open their eyes, they are contractually obliged to marry the suitor who is agreed to this contract when entering the gallery as well. The suitors must be over 18 years old, not be married, and have a serious intention and sincere desire to get married. If they fit this and agree to the contract, they may enter the gallery and kiss the sleeping beauty only once on the lips.
Artist Taras Polataiko sees himself as some sort of magic matchmaker saying that he hopes his exhibit would produce a real love connection for participants and male visitors. I'm sure he envisions the suitor kissing the sleeping beauty and then whisking her off into the sunset on his unicorn.
How is this perfect true love decided? It's in his kiss. One of the "beauties" in the exhibit was quoted as saying, "If it's my true love, I will feel it on an intuitive level. Secondly, if I don't feel it, I won't open my eyes. Anything can happen in life. And suddenly it's fate. What if it's the only way I'll meet my soul mate?" Soul mate? Those are lofty expectations for a lounging lady. But if this is how we meet our soul mates, and all those fairy tales are right, I should feel no shame or worry about staying in on a Saturday night cleaning my apartment while singing to my cat about how someday my prince will come.
This Sleeping Beauty art installation is the weirdest dating set up yet. Still I can't say that I don't like the idea of just having to lay around napping looking pretty while men, who are interested and available, just come to me. Though I'll be shocked if we hear of any sort of magical happily ever afters from this interactive performance art. I'm inspired by Polataiko. I'm going to create an art installation with a frog in a gallery and see how many silly girls I can get to come and pay to kiss it and turn it into a prince. I'll make bank.

Call SVU-Another Republican is talking Rape

Republican Pennsylvania Senate Candidate Tom Smith is also a candidate for the worst pro-life statement ever said. And that is impressive given what Todd Akin said last week.
Here's what happened. An Associated Press reporter was interviewing the Tea Party endorsed candidate and discussing his pro-life stance. Smith was asked “How would you tell a daughter or a granddaughter who, God forbid, would be the victim of a rape, to keep the child against her own will? Do you have a way to explain that?” Smith responded  "I lived something similar to that with my own family. She chose life, and I commend her for that. She knew my views. But, fortunately for me, I didn’t have to.. she chose they way I thought. No don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t rape." When the reporter, who I am sure was confused and appalled, managed to squeak out, "Similar how?" To which Smith smoothly answered, "Uh, having a baby out of wedlock."
That's right. This genius just compared having a baby out of wedlock to rape ladies. Yeah illegitimate rape, illegitimate baby....totally the same thing.
These republicans sure have weird opinions on what rape is. Maybe they should cozy up on the couch and watch a good long marathon of Law and Order: SVU so they can get a somewhat better grip on what exactly it is before they make us all legitimate victims of their stupidity.

Also, if you want to read a great editorial on the whole Akin controversy, check out this in the New York Times by columnist Maureen Dowd.

On the Radio

Yep, that's me taking over the airwaves again.
Performance enhancing drugs and Ryan's Rage Against the Machine were some of the things I picked out of The Nose today with Colin McEnroe on NPR.
Also this happens:
Carolyn: "Paul Ryan's claim that Rage Against the Machine was one of his favorite band was like what guys do in Match.com ads to make themselves sound cooler than they really are."
Jim Chapdelaine (Emmy Winning Composer): "So you think he's basically trying to date America." 
Yes I do.
Click below to listen:

http://www.yourpublicmedia.org/node/21606

NYPD Isn't As Proud As A Peacock

In case you are like me and question your safety daily in New York City, be prepared to realize that your fears are justified.
(Cue Law and Order noise: Chun Chun.)
A peacock on the run has eluded the NYPD for an entire week. Today a massive team of New York's finest attempted to corner the feathered fugitive in a backyard in Queens, but it escaped....again.
That's right a bird brain is outsmarting the men and women who are supposed to protect us from murderers and other crazed criminals. So enjoy those late night walks home from the subway and look out for that bird.

His Royal Hineyness

So the wild red stallion Prince Harry was partying in Las Vegas. He drunkenly challenged Olympian Ryan Lochte to a race in the pool and then got involved in a strip billiards game. But what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas and obviously the photos of the naked ginger covering his royal family jewels with the also naked body of some lucky girl have surfaced. The royal family officially confirmed it and that is absolutely Harry's alabaster tushie. They must be so proud. Well at least older brother William heroically saved a drowning girl this week.
I still think Harry is so much more fun. He's on my dream drinking buddy list along with Hilary Clinton. I just hope that Hilary is a good wing woman and knows when to bow out and let Harry and me be.

Under the Knife-Fishy Little Mermaid Plastic Surgery Ad That Should Make You Crabby

If the idealized creation of a beautiful Disney princess needs plastic surgery, I should just start wearing a paper bag over my head.
Clinica Dempere, a plastic surgery center in Venezuela, has a new ad that features the likeness of Ariel the Little Mermaid emerging from under the sea to go under the knife. The ad shows her as a finished product with a sexy pair of gams, boobs that wouldn't fit in those clam shells anymore and a tiny, turned up nose that a Jackson would envy. Clearly she's no better off with this than with the deal from the Sea Witch because she also has a brow lift and lip job that would undoubtedly prevent her from speaking or making any sort of facial expressions while luring that prince. I'm surprised she didn't just finish this transformation off by shedding the ginger like Lindsey Lohan to go blond and getting a nice, leathery burnt sienna tan.
As if the visual image in this plastic surgery ad isn't upsetting enough, they dig the knife deeper with the tag line "We make fairy tales come true." Terrific. What a wonderful message for young women. In order to make your dreams come true, you have change everything about your appearance to be as perfect as possible. And breasts. Forget about getting that man if you don't have some of those. It's concerning because according to the American Society of Plastic Surgery, cosmetic surgery on teens make up 5 percent of procedures nationwide. From 2010 and 2011, the number of Botox treatments on teens rose 20%, the number of breast augmentation surgery climbed 4%, and “chinplants,” or chin augmentations rose 69% among teens.
This ad is horrible. I hope Disney sues them. Plastic surgery is not a fairy tale. Have you ever seen an episode of Nip/Tuck? It's absolutely choke-on-your-couch-snacking-food disgusting! Not to mention the many medical risks. And the fact that this business chose Ariel for this ad is not clever. Yes, she was desperate to change herself into a new species to get to be with the man that she loved, but that doesn't mean that she would have gone all Pam Anderson and done this to be part of his world. But then again, what kind of world are we living in?

Romney Wins Roach Race 2012

 The cockroach representing Republican candidate Mitt Romney won in the 16th Running of the Roaches Presidential Cockroach Derby hosted by the New Jersey Pest Management Association at Rutgers. Every four years, the organization picks two Madagascar hissing cockroaches to stand in for the Republican and Democratic nominees and races them on a three-foot-long track. To distinguish which roach is which and make this even more ridiculous, they each wear a tiny caricature of the candidate they represent taped to their backs.
What does this race have to do with November's election? Well, of the 16 elections they have represented in roach races, the outcome has correctly predicted the results 84% of the time. So apparently cockroaches are political prognosticators like the groundhogs are for weather?
The punch-line comparisons between cockroaches and politicians seem endless. Leonard Douglen, association executive director of the NJPMA, even said that there were parallels between these pests and their politicians. When the roaches were loaded onto the track, the Obama roach leaned to the left. An onlooker to the race also commented that during the event, the Romney roach was "flip-flopping" as he attempted to climb back onto the track and head in the other direction.
You can watch the race and hear the droll pest/politician slams here:

 

So we'll see come November if these creepy, crawly critters correctly predicted a new pest in the White House. But Obama, I wouldn't let this race bug you out.

eBay Axes Hexes: I Attempt to Stock Up

I have 13 days left to procure all the magic potions I need to stock my spell cabinet before eBay's new policy banning the sale of all things mystical in attempt to look like a less shady online retailer.

eBay will no longer sell spells, magic services, advice, prayers, conjuring services, healings, blessings, cruses/hexes, psychics, potions, or tarot readings.

I wasn't aware that this website had become such a vendor for the occult? I thought it was just where people went to sell troll dolls and beenie babies.

But now that I know that I have a limited time to get my hands on love potions and bid on blessings, I have to investigate.

Here is a myriad of the best in ebay's magical, mystical kingdom that I unearthed.

Magical Demon Destroyer Potion

Listed here by seller cyndarion.

What it is according to the listing:

"This is one of a kind High Magic Potion that takes many hours of intense magical preparation and mastery to finish." 

"Furthermore, this potion has been bless by the Most Holy White Light from our Father God whose Grace has always guide and allow me to do His work in every possible way to help others."

Wait, I'm confused--it's a mystical potion to battle demons, but it is blessed by a Christian god? I thought the church had a heavy stance against such witchery? Wasn't that what the Salem Witch Trials was all about?

Anyway....let's see what it does:

"One intake will accomplish what thousands of hours of meditation may be able to do to destroy demonic forces. Truly this is a powerful potion prepared by a master wizard that can aid you to break with demonic ties from this or previous lifetimes and will go deep at cellular level transmuting at genetic level negative information that may be impacting your being as a whole." 

Oh god! I have to drink this strange brew from eBay? What really is in it? It claims it is mixed from water, flower extracts, and brandy, but that doesn't mean it's safe. It will be like bath salts. I'll drink this and then feel the need to go eat someone's face off. The seller says that upon drinking it you will feel feelings of euphoria and freedom and of "sensations of energy moving and being released." It also warns it may cause nausea as demons are being released. Ummmm....I think I'll pass on this $51.00 buy it now potion.

Oh here's a steal! for only $15 I can completely ruin the life of my enemy or that person in the line in front of me who go the last low fat banana chocolate chip loaf at Starbuck's.

Seller hcbill has listed Extreme Black Magic Revenge Spell

What it is according to the listing:

To be used to "inflict monumental revenge on someone who has done you wrong. To have them suffer tenfold the pain and consequences they have inflicted upon you."

This is serious business. The seller even warns you saying that it will "bring about horrendous times" for whoever you unleash it on so choose wisely and only do this if you really mean it. 

Wow. Intense. So how does it work? Do I have to drink something that will make me feel nauseous/euphoric? Do I make my enemy drink that? Do I sacrifice an animal while chanting? Nope, apparently, all that happens after you buy this is they send you an email with some questions, you reply, and then this sorcerer does their black magic while you innocently wait to hear on the news about how your enemy was tragically hit by a bus. This either sounds like the cheapest hit man for hire or the worst fraud sale. Either way, I'm not missing out on anything but jail time by not purchasing this hex.

If all this heathenism makes you uncomfortable, you can also quickly turn to prayer on eBay before it shuts down sales on that too. There is Constant Prayers by seller irawnr2. For only $0.99 you can choose to send prayers to someone rather than that hex. 

What it is according to the listing:

The seller vows that they are "eagerly standing by to accept your individual prayer requests for you or as a gift for someone you love." And all proceeds go to this person's unspecified missionary work.

Maybe I should steer clear of eBay Magic and Religion. Maybe I should just seek out sound, objective advice. I found seller maxwelltrading's Advice on Anything! and again the price of $0.99 can't be beat! 

What it is according to the listing:

"Sometimes it helps to have a sounding board to test your ideas against. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to overcome the obstacles life throws at you. Our boy-wonder is standing by to make things just a llittle easier on you by providing world-class advice on any topic."

A Boy Wonder? So Robin will be giving me dating or career advice? 

Boy Wonder gets asked for help.

At least this seller seems self-aware that this kind of thing is a joke. The topics for advice they offer to help with include "shopping," "lawn care," and "rocketship maintenance." 

To get your advice dispensed, you pay your dollar, then you send your pressing question and you get your solicited advice returned by email within one business day.

After my exhaustive search through eBay to find all that is about to be contraband, I have decided that it is no loss to the internet shopper to no longer be able to purchase these bizarre resources on the world's largest online marketplace. Go back to bidding on Garcia Bear. If you do feel the need to free yourself of demons, ruin that frenimies' life, or get sound advice from a boy-wonder, I'm sure there are tons of other shady sites in the vast web to get tangled in.

Dream Date

Oh happy day. There is a new brand of dating website. And this one will truly make your dreams come true-sort of.
You know that perfect man you have envisioned? That Disney prince, with Tom Brady arms, George Clooney smile, Joe Manganiello's abs, David Beckham eyes......well now you can frankenstein him together a la carte and then bring him to life thanks to IDreamofU.com.
This website allows you to, as they claim, "build your own Christian Grey" by choosing which features — facial shape, eye color, the works — you find most attractive, and then it can match you with a real, live individual who looks like the dream guy you've created. And obviously true love would blossom.
It's important to note that IDreamofU.com is not totally shallow. After you've decided on the right look for your future husband, the website asks you a bunch of personality questions that they call "dream metrics" that will help you find the right mate in real life. 
So clearly I spent part of my morning designing my dream man. And.....apparently he looks exactly like my gay roommate. I'm concerned.

My "dream man"/gay roommate

Back to the drawing board. You can also choose from hundreds of "Everyday Matches" or "Almost Famous Faces" if you lack the creativity to build your own perfect-looking being from scratch, or accidentally create a creepy looking Law and Order: SVU mug shot dude, or are like me and accidentally create a gay man who will only be good for doing your hair and making brie puffs while singing showtunes. (I'm not being stereotypical. This is what goes on in our house.)
So go forth and waste time at your office desk creating the man of your dreams and then drool over the avatar of him and be grateful for this amazing age of technology. I don't recommend actually attempting to meet whoever the website will tell you is your perfect man-even their viral video commercial seems to imply that won't work out so great. See below.

Four More Beers!

Well Obama has yet to get that mo-bama-hawk, but he is buying rounds of beers at pubs and state fairs and sitting and having talks with the voting public with his drink in hand. It was even confirmed by an official this week that the Obamas have their own beer made and kept in stock at the White House. The beer, named White House Honey Ale, comes in both a light and dark variety. The honey for the beer is taken from first lady Michelle Obama's garden beehive.
Who wouldn't want to sit and have a beer with the President? And that may be exactly what his campaign is thinking. Perhaps all this talk of Bama-brew is part of the President's campaigning efforts against his Republican opponent Mitt Romney, who doesn't drink for religious reasons. So if you do like a cold beer, Obama's your guy. You know what they say, "never trust a man who doesn't drink."

Mo-bama-hawk

Undoubtedly by now you heard about the adorable dude at NASA with the mohawk who worked on the Curiosity Mission Operation on Mars last week. His real name is Bobak Ferdowsi and he is a 2003 graduate of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a systems engineer at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California. And since appearing on national television broadcasts of the Mars landing with his patriotic maroon-tinted mohawk with stars shaved into the side, he has become a twitterlebrity and has single handedly made science look sexier than ever.
He has even earned the respect of President Obama who gave him a shout out when calling NASA's Mars science laboratory on Monday referring to him as the "special mohwak man." The President complimented the team not only on their success and efforts with the Mars landing, but also on the improved fashion of the scientists saying "It does sound like NASA has come a long way from the white shirt, black dark-rimmed glasses and pocket protectors.You guys are a little cooler than you used to be." 
Obama then admitted that he has wanted to get a mohwak himself but his team for some reason discourages him! But with Ferdowsi's new notoriety and even marriage proposals stemming from his punky do, the President said "I think that I'm going to go back to my team and see if it makes sense." 
Yes, Obama, it would. This would be the haircut that would change everything. Not Miley Cyrus' ridiculous chopped up hair. If Obama got the mohawk he always wanted it would be a game changer for the election, I guarantee it. Especially when it comes to rallying the young voters that were so inspired and enthusiastic about this man who promised change in 2008 to do that once again. This change would make him a little cooler like he used to be. Mo-bama-hawk 2012.

Can't you picture decades from now this mohawked President image printed on our dollars?

All Gold Things Must Come to an End

And with that, the 2012 Olympics come to an end. Was quite the fortnight of events and many new heroes were met and many lessons of sportsmanship in the digital age learned.
The Closing Ceremony on a whole was less of an acid trip than the Opening Ceremony but it was a constant battle between awesome and awful.
For example:
Awesome:
The Spice Girls zigga zig ahhh reunion performance.
Awful:
Having them cruise around on the roofs of sparkly cabs. They looked so nervous with every turn.
Awesome:
Tribute to Freddie Mecury and Queen playing.
Awful:
Jessie J (insisting on wearing sparkly flesh body suits all night) bursting in and destroying "We Will Rock You."

Awesome: Eric Idle's classic quirky comedy.
Awful:
What came across as borderline offensive culture mocking with the weird splicing in of dancers from India.

There was the awesomeness of Prince Ginger Charming watching. He was borrowing his brother's wife as a date for the night. If I had known he didn't have a date I would totally have gone and kept him company......
Anyway, of course there was the completely bizarre: Russell Brand singing, the bus turning into a giant, glowing octopus, and the face sculpture of John Lennon. But overall nothing as haunting as the images I'm still in therapy for from the Opening Ceremony.
But if the preview by Brazil for the 2016 Summer Games to be held in Rio de Janeiro is any indication of what is in store for us there, plan to be confused, bored, and visually overstimulated by what looks like it will be Carnivale on crack.
In the end, London deserves to sit back tomorrow morning, relax, and enjoy a giant cup of tea because they overall pulled of a wonderful Olympics. All the athletes, who I am sure are right now drunk and using the last of those Olympic Village condoms like crazy, should feel proud of themselves-especially Team USA who dominated with a record number of medals. And now NBC will return to their mediocre programming-look they are already attempting to shove a new sitcom down our throats.

Romney Picks Ryan Out of the Political Nose

Meet the new guy: Paul Ryan. The Republican from Wisconsin was announced as Mitt Romney's running mate at the end of last week. And this is what's wrong with media. Before I knew anything about him politically, I heard that he had big baby blue eyes and hair like Eddie Munster.
But then I heard about his deep connection to Ayn Rand whose work allegedly inspired him to get into politics and I started to become concerned. He has even been quoted as saying that he gives out "Atlas Shrugged" as Christmas gifts. Actually, given the fact that he is such an Ayn Rand fan, I'm surprised he gives out Christmas gifts at all seeing as Rand's philosophy is that selfishness is a virtue and altruism and Christianity are evils. (Ryan is on record that he does not with agree with Rand's atheist beliefs, but still....)
Further research into who this man is leads me to learn things even more disturbing including his stand against gay marriage, the fact that he is extremely and proudly anti-choice, and he has an economic plan called "The Path to Prosperity" that seems to really only lead to prosperity for the already prosperous.
And then Sarah Palin endorsed him on facebook. Maybe they're hunting buddies. I saw a bunch of pictures of Ryan in camouflage holding his hunting gun and various conquests including deer and turkeys that weren't helping me like him any more.
Alright, so now we'll just wait and see how the campaign trail bromance between Romney and Ryan blossoms and where the chaos takes them. Unlike Romney, Ryan is a great public speaker who does have a likability factor (I even read he was voted "Biggest Brown Noser" in high school) so this should be interesting. Bring it with your baby blues Paul Ryan. Game on.

And side note: If actor Matthew Morrison (Glee) knows what's good for him, he'd start practicing a Paul Ryan impression for SNL.

And speaking of Ayn Rand and politics, I can't help but think of a droll and intelligent play I workshopped a while back at Where Eagles Dare Theatre by N. G. McClernan that was built around her political and socio-economic beliefs. Here's a clip from the show in which I'm also ironically channeling Sarah Palin in looks:

Inside the Actors Studio: Cheeze & Whine Edition

As an occasionally working actress I love insightful interviews from those successfully practicing their craft.
I obviously worship Meryl Streep. The Streepinator appeared on Bravo TV's booze-drenched gossip session Watch What Happens Live last night and it did not disappoint. Egged on by the mischievous brain behind those Bravolebrities, Andy Cohen, she dished on everything from her costars to her worst film moments. She even played Marry-Boff-Kill. Throughout, her great boisterous laugh made her even more endearing, and she managed to stay classy as ever. This is how it's done Lindsey Lohan and Kristen Stewart. Watch, learn, bow down before her.

http://www.bravotv.com/watch-what-happens-live/season-7/videos/spill-the-tea-meryl-streep-edition

Another interview of note this week is with an upcoming Shakespearean actor Venya. He's a Russian terrier, who is starring in London's Royal Shakespeare Company production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream: As You Like It." This unique take on Shakespeare's great comedy is a world premiere by Russian artist and director Dmitry Krymov. The production features on the Mechanicals, who in a theatre not yet finished being built, are rehearsing for their big performance. They are trying to be the best, but are getting increasingly nervous about presenting the story of Pyramus and Thisbe with songs to rehearse, acrobatics to master and lines to learn, and training their acrobatic dog...of course played by Venya. I think this pup will reach international stardom. Just check him out in this interview released by Royal Shakespeare.

Ok-so basically I want Streep and Venya to perform in some Shakespeare together. Perhaps Macbeth.......produced by Andy Cohen. Hey, it could happen. She did She Devil with Roseanne and spoke-sang her way through Mamma Mia, the Streep clearly doesn't think she's above anything. And that's what makes her so great.

Out of Control

The tragic shooting in Aurora, Colorado last month and this month's attack at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin brought the nation's discussion about gun control even more into the foreground. Yes, I know, we have a constitutional right to bear arms, but there needs to be some control on this. And while the comedian Eddie Izzard is correct in saying that "Guns don't kill people. People kill people. But the guns help." I do think that we need to look at how readily available weapons are on the internet. Example: This week, Seth Horvitz in Washington DC ordered a 39-inch television from a third-party seller on Amazon.com. When the box arrived in the mail he opened it and found a Sig Sauer military-style assault rifle instead of his TV. Seriously.
Don't you just hate when you order something online and they send you a gun instead? That's the worst!
Horvitz contacted the police immediately and said that he obviously contacted Amazon as well and the company’s customer service department gave him “the standard line of sending a dispute claim for sending the wrong product." So helpful Amazon. I'm sure this poor man is just anxious to watch Honey Boo Boo in HD on his new flat screen.  

Wyle E. Coyote preparing his packages for shipment form his Amazon.com third party shop.

Forget the Olympics-I'm Training to Be Texting Champ

 He trained for months, years. His fingers are nimble and his reflexes fast. And now, in this Olympic season, he can call himself a champion yet again. He is 16 year old Austin Weirschke of Wisconsin and he just reclaimed the title of fastest texter in the U.S. National Texting Championship held in Times Square in NYC. His parents must be so proud.
The competition sponsored by LG Electronics tests the skills of speed, accuracy and dexterity through three rounds. First is the challenging texting while blind-folded. Next is texting with hands behind their backs. And of course there is the nail biting final round of "text blitz" where phrases are flashed to the contestants and they must copy them as fast as they can. Wow. These competitors work so hard, risking carpal tunnel syndrome and thumb strain, but in the end it is worth it, Weirschke walked away with $50,000 in prize money. What? That's more money than a gold medal winner in the Olympics would get! Even contestants on Jeopardy who know facts and Latin don't even usually win that much! Where are we going as a nation that texting is what we encourage people to succeed at?
Oh well. He probably will use most of that paying his cell phone bill from all that texting he does. Hopefully he plans on using some for college. I'm sure Harvard will be very impressed with him listing this impressive accomplishment on his application.

As you can see this event is a real exciting competition to watch.

Sex Is Apparently The Big Event in The Olympic Village

There has been much talk leading up to and during these Olympics about the athletes and their sex habits. I can understand why. Just watching the Olympics is enough to get you all hot and bothered. Imagine being there in that Olympic Village surrounded by all those virile men with their rippling muscles. And for the boys, those volleyball player chicks are wearing bikinis that don't leave much to he imagination. So it should come as no surprise that it was leaked that the Olympic Village is pretty much a prowling ground for hook ups. 150,000 condoms are provided and it is alleged that 70-75% of the athletes do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. One athlete confidentially told CNN that it's great because you don't even need a pick up line other than "Hey. What sport do you play?" The casual sex games seem to be just a part of the event. Even swimmer Ryan Lochte's mom strangely condoned this behavior saying he only has time for one night stands. (Though she later tried to re-phrase this, I think she knows what's up.)

And apparently the rumors may be true as a mysterious new stock of Kangaroo condoms appeared in the village. One of the athletes tweeted this picture of the reinforcements for "the gland downunder." But the Kangaroo condoms arrival on the scene is odd because these are not Durex, the official brand of the Olympics, and athletes and officials are not supposed to bring other products in. So where did these contraband condoms come from? And did those horny heros already use up 150,000 rubbers? I guess you have to be one of the sexy top athletes in the world to find out what 50 Shades of Gray kind of action is really going on behind closed doors in that Village. My prediction/hope: by the next Olympics we have a reality show taped from the Olympic Village that will be steamier and more ridiculous than Jersey Shore and the Bachelor.

Hilary Gets Down

I've dedicated several posts now to the increasingly hip Hilary Clinton so it stands to reason that I'd have to share this video of her tearing up the dance floor with playful hip shaking and grinding-she's no Beyonce but she's clearly having fun. The Secretary of State was in South Africa at a foreign reception during her trip where she attended a conference dedicated to stopping the spread of AIDS and also met with legendary leader Nelson Mandela.
Meanwhile, where's hubby Bill? The former President is at home meditating with his newly hired Buddhist monk. Funny, remember when he was the wild sax playing one?
Anyway, it's official. I want a night out having drinks with Hilary. Bill can stay home.

Having Kittens Over Choupette

I love wasting time looking at cute kittens as much as the next internet prowler, but meow I'm really sick of hearing about this Choupette, le chat de Chanel's Karl Lagerfeld-who is clearly a very lonely man. Choupette is a fluffy white feline with big Zooey Deschenal-esque blue eyes. And this tail-swishing attention whore is everywhere lately.
The over-privileged life of this furball is sickening. Choupette's a total jet-setter who allegedly even gets to fly in the cockpit of Lagerfeld's plane to St. Tropez because she "likes looking at the sky." She has an ipad-I don't even have an ipad. She is surrounded by gigantic bouquets of flowers. She eats pate at the table out of designer bowls. I ate take out tonight out of the carton while sitting on the couch. She's all over fashion magazines and inspired an entire ice blue Chanel collection for the catwalk from her eyes. The glamour puss has TWO maids. Meanwhile I have to clean cat feces daily because my little princess likes to express her distaste with our poverty by "forgetting" how to use the box. Of course Choupette always looks purrfectly fluffed and groomed sitting on her embroidered pillows. Oh and you can obviously follow the cat's meow on twitter. I'm sure Choupette will even get a pair of those absurdly expensive and ridiculous SOLRepublic cat headphones to listen to Edith Piaf on. She's the Veruca Salt of cats.
I'm over her. And it's not just because I'm jealous of a cat.

Lagerfeld and Choupette even have matching fur.

Kanye and Kim Keep It Klassy

If you are up on pop-culture, you probably can't avoid knowing that rapper Kanye West and reality star Kim Kardashian are dating. And Kanye, who we all know from his infamous Grammy ambush is such a well-mannered, genteel man, has expressed his love for his voluptuous brunette beauty so eloquently and romantically by writing a song about her called "Perfect Bitch." Sounds classy-like a Shakespearen sonnet really. Kim is truly a lucky girl.
The song not only sings Kim's praises but disses his ex-girlfriend, Amber Rose, who clearly was not a good enough bitch. Yep song probably goes something like "Yo, Amber, I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but I just got to say Kim has the biggest, sexiest butt ever." Maybe this loving ode will snag Kanye a Grammy. I'm sure it will become a romance classic like "Unchained Melody." What lady wouldn't want "Perfect Bitch" to be their song?

This is Ground Control to Curiosity: In Search of Space Oddity

The historical summer of '69 had Woodstock and the moon landing. For the summer of '12 we have a Spice Girls reunion and the Mars landing.
The Mars landing is a multi-billion dollar effort by NASA that at around 1:30am EST this morning peaked with a successful touchdown on the surface of the red planet after "7 minutes of terror" while it came careening through Mars' atmosphere in what could have been a destructive crash. This was all broadcast and celebrated. People even had parties around this and many gathered to watch the landing on the jumbo tron in Times Square. I was asleep.
The exploratory vehicle "Curiosity" will spend 2 years roving around the cold, desert surface looking for signs of intelligent life and NASA says this will hopefully pave the way for future human exploration there. Or upset the martians and cause an intergalactic war. Either way exciting times ahead.

Bieber's Anit-Balding Tips for Prince William

Justin Bieber is completely useless in my world. This little whippersnapper with his pompadour and pop songs is just a little jerk. I'm sure of it. And other than my distaste for his songs which often sound like a woman is singing, I had little actual proof to back up my beliefs that the Biebs is a total boob-until now. This wanna-be prince of pop is dropping Bieber bombs on our good friend Prince William by mocking Prince Will's bald spot. Really Bieber? Way harsh.
The Biebs told Rollercoaster magazine he thinks William should do something about his hairline.
“I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia,” he said. “I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?”
Ugh. Thanks for that brilliant, unsolicited advice Biebs. But not everyone is as shallow as you or bases their career on their floppy, mangy crest of hair. Remember when Bieber got a haircut and sold the sheared locks for over $40,000? Though it was for charity, what in this boy's under-developed mind leads him to this inflated self opinion? He's a Sampson-take away that hair and he'd have no power. But Prince William has power. He's a freakin' prince! Doesn't matter that he's balding. He is a great humanitarian, budding civic leader, and a role model. Catch that fever Bieber.

Bus Seat Solitude

Frank Capra's classic screwball comedy "It Happened One Night" is based on a chance meeting on a night bus that leads to romance-obviously with several hilarious bumps in the road along the way. It's the original road trip comedy and if you haven't seen it-you have to! But, everyone who has seen this film, whether it be when it was originally released, or now, nearly a century later, absolutely understood that it is a romanticized fantasy ideal of traveling in the least glamorous way possible-a crammed bus. Anyone who has taken a bus across town or even worse to a destination a couple of hours away knows that buses smell (often of urine-why?!), are uncomfortably crowded, and inevitably lead to awkward encounters. You will most assuredly not end up being an heiress on the run sitting next to a dashing Clark Gable who you will fall in love with by the time you reach the next city. Nope. But you may have a screaming baby puke on you, an overweight man take up most of your seat space as well, or be forced to sit next to someone you swear you saw on America's Most Wanted.
The sociology of bus travel was studied by Esther Kim of Yale University who recently published her results of "non-social transient behavior." She conducted the study traveling by bus across the US for three years to examine the unspoken rules and behaviors of commuters.
As we know, on the bus-or any kind of mass transportation, personal space is at a premium. But "avoiding other people actually requires quite a lot of effort and this is especially true in confined spaces like public transport." She explains she found that "We engage in all sorts of behavior to avoid others, pretending to be busy, checking phones, rummaging through bags, looking past people or falling asleep. Sometimes we even don a 'don't bother me face' or what's known as the 'hate stare'." All of this dramatic territorial effort is to keep from being too close to anyone and most importantly from having to share a seat. Kim says that the smaller space we are in for a longer period of time leads to more frustration which then leads to our wanting to disengage from social interaction because we assume everyone around us is potentially as cranky as we are. This is true. I definitely don't want to deal with anyone when I'm traveling on any mass transit. Being in transit I'm already frayed and more volatile. I just want to put my ear buds in and get to where I'm going. I don't want any trouble along the way. And Kim also pointed out the obvious safety concerns of engaging in conversation with strangers and people's underlying fear of the weirdos-whether they be dangerous or not, no one wants to end up having to sit next to someone who is talking loudly to themselves or is peddling pamphlets on armageddon.
So here we are as a culture, constantly desiring to network and communicate via our social media, but at the same time working our hardest to ignore those around us. Maybe we should open ourselves up more. Maybe a Clark Gable is sitting right next to us waiting to sweep us off our feet. Or maybe that guy is really just a creep waiting to sweep our purse right out from under our feet. Guess we are safest in the end just pulling a Mckayla Maroney hate stare.

When It Comes to the Olympics and Sponsorship The Brits Are Trying to Stay Pimm and Proper

Keeping you safe -no non-Olympic brands are entering the premise.

There's been much talk across the pond in London about branding with the Olympics-specifically avoiding brands that are not official sponsors of the Olympics. Private Eye, a British political spoof magazine, even had a cover poking fun at Pepsi being persona non grata on Olympic ground where Coke is the official Olympic sponsor. (Of course if NYC Mayor Bloomberg had his way, both sugary drinks would be banned.) And then there was that unidentified flying object that turned out not to be aliens landing in Parliament but the Goodyear Blimp, ubiquitous at sporting events around the globe, after it had been stripped of any corporate reference.
This is all due to a law passed in 2006 by the British government that not only enhanced copyright protection for the word "Olympics" and related symbols and slogans, but also blocked non-sponsoring companies from suggesting any hint of connection to the games. Several big companies have come up with clever ways around the ban that put them right up against the edge of the law. Nike, which is not an Olympic sponsor, ran an ad campaign in which athletes compete in cities called London — only not ones that happen to be the British capital. Locations include London, Ohio, and Little London, Jamaica, and the ads carry slogans that subtly allude to the Olympics without actually naming them. Crafty.

All of this just sounds like a big nuisance. But now the prim old ladies have themselves all in a fine stir about Wimbledon banning their Pimm's brand liquer. Pimm's, the quintessentially English liqueur, cannot be listed on any menus during the games, even at Wimbledon, where tennis is taking place and where Pimm's is the grand tradition as well as strawberries and cream. They are instead serving a similar cocktail and calling it "No. 1 Cup."

What a bloody outrage. Can you just picture Maggie Smith's face in reaction to this?

But at least sitting at home in my living room watching the tennis matches hours after they've actually happened on NBC, I can enjoy my Pimm's.

In case you want to serve one up like Serena you can make the Wimbledon classic by mixing one part Pimm's No. 1 with 3 parts chilled lemonade, add some mint, cucumber, orange and strawberry and serve in a chilled glass with ice.

Cheers darlings!

Nobody Put Baby In a Newsfeed

Do you hate signing on to facebook and having to look at your friends' babies? Well now there's an app for that! Chris Baker has created a new Google Chrome extension called Unbaby.me that "deletes babies from your News Feed permanently -- by replacing them with awesome stuff." And by awesome stuff they obviously mean cats. Seriously that's the default substitution. Chris Baker sounds like my kind of guy. Is he single?
Just think, you will never have to be ambushed by an album from some girl you went to high school with who has like 20 photos of her chubby baby- inexplicably dressed like a giant strawberry-bomb your cool and drool free newsfeed again.
I would much rather see cats in my newsfeed. But if cats aren't your cup of tea either, unbaby.me does offer you the opportunity to choose any "safe" image you want to replace. You could have pictures of bacon. And for maximum protection, the app knows what to block by picking up on key words like "cutest baby ever," "crawling," "looks like daddy." So assuming those aren't phrases that your non-baby bearing friends use, it will work perfectly.
I know as a young woman in my prime reproductive years I am supposed to look at these facebook babies and think how much I can't wait to have one and how cute they are. But most babies just look like aliens to me.

what you looking at?

Or I'm just appalled at what people think is funny to do to their baby. I mean there is no way these kids will look at photos like this when they are older and not want to hate their parents. And facebook with its captive like-clicking baby audience feeds this kind of creative abuse.

Now if only this technology could be used to stop other things in my newsfeed that I don't like-such as posts spoiling the Olympics and the annoying food porn shots of what people are eating. (Really you are eating sushi? How exotic. And the way you used that green hue in instagram for the photo really makes it more appetizing.) I'd also like an unbride.me app to keep annoying posts with engagement ring hand shots and bride bitching out of my newsfeed. So basically my newsfeed would be all cats. Purrfect.