Thursday, July 3, 2014

New In Bridesmaiding: Make a Buck and Show Your Butt

I have been a bridesmaid a ridiculous number of times. I have the collection of over-priced dresses taking up precious closet real estate that I will absolutely never wear again. I have several pairs of the special dyed shoes that are unwearable because they bleed their color onto your feet when you wear them.
I have also lost respect for women I know after reading their obnoxious trail of reply all emails about planning and expectations.
I'm at the point now, where I would seriously consider turning down a bridesmaid offer just because I don't think I can take it anymore. But what if I was being paid to do it? That I might be able to handle. After all, I have experience. Probably more qualified to be a bridesmaid than many other jobs.
Well, one brilliant NYC lady came to that exact realization and took out a craigslist ad to be a Bridesmaid for Hire. She logically details why you may need her services ("Your fiancĂ© has an extra groomsmen and you’re looking to even things out so your pictures don’t look funny and there’s not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself.") and what her skills are (including "the Cha Cha and Electric Slides").
I'm kind of jealous I didn't think of starting a bridesmaid business. Despite wanting to retire from the game, I am a great bridesmaid. I have references. I do a really funny toast, I am always willing to travel, and I once saved a life performing CPR on an elderly relative at a wedding! We'll ignore the time that I almost killed one of my best friends on her wedding day in a freak accident with a rogue cork from a champagne bottle I was opening. Maybe I should one up this Bridesmaid for Hire and start my own business. Or I could gather other girls and form a whole Bridesmaids, Inc. agency to place professionals in your party. No longer will you have to rely on your flaky friends to help facilitate your perfect day. I can be your bridesmaid pimp.
But there is one other new trend in Bridesmaiding that I just don't think I am down with and brings me back to being certain I don't ever need to be a maid in fuscia satin again.

Bridesmaid butt shots.
Butt why?
To show off?
Yep, nothing helps class up your special day like you and your bridesmaids mooning for the camera. That's going to be a real picture to cherish and frame.
See, I'm all for cute, out of the box photos on your wedding day because I think looking like this is over:
But I think Bridesmaid butt photos are ridiculous. If there is ever a day you should try to have some decorum, it is probably your wedding day.
So maybe I should just let that crafty girl on craigslist take all the bridesmaid jobs she can find and keep my butt covered. I'm sure I can think of other ways to make an extra buck. Maybe I should start designing a cute line of clever underpants for brides and their maids to wear for when they flash the camera. YES! It's my genius idea. It's in print. Don't steal it.


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  2. This is exactly why I am pleased that my less-than-sunny disposition combined with general lack of super-close female buds has kept me from every being a bridesmaid.

    1. Yes. Just say no to being a Bridesmaid. I should start a support group like B.A.R.E.-Bridesmaid Abuse Resistance Education which would ironically prevent women from going bare. Oh so smart.