Wednesday, September 24, 2014

If This Had Been A Real Emergency....

If you know me, or read this blog, or have seen/heard me talk about this, you know I am afraid of flying-or as I call it-afraid of suddenly not flying. I have even dedicated an entire blog to helping you understand (and laugh at) my anxiety with this.

So knowing that, you can imagine my horror in learning that for about $300, I could experience a fake flight disaster at British Airways Flight Safety Awareness Course
According to the Huffington Post, this course is designed so it "encourages passengers to be aware of their surroundings and familiarize themselves with what happens in an emergency." It also is supposed to make you feel more confident about the skills and experience of your captain and crew. The idea is if you are confident and prepared, you won't panic. But to be honest, just reading about what this course experience all entails, I was in a total panic.
You board a simulator plane, take a seat, and then there are sounds and motions to create a take off. Shortly after that, you enter my worst nightmare, as they fill the simulated craft with smoke and the crew yells "Brace! Brace!" At this point, I would probably pass out from hyperventilating. Even knowing this is fake.
Part of the curriculum is teaching you the proper brace position. You know the "put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye." They explain this procedure in detail and it should involve placing your head down, feet firmly planted and slid back towards you, with your dominant hand on top of your head and your other hand on top of that hand. The reasoning for this hand placement is that if something happens and your top hand is impacted and consequently shattered, your dominant hand can still unbuckle your seat belt so you can evacuate the plane. Great.
Next in this fun experience they yell at you to evacuate. This is described as a "scramble." And apparently opening those emergency exits over the wing is not as easy as you think. So think carefully about selecting that seat just for the tempting extra leg room. You don't want to get stampeded by angry passengers in a panic if you take too long working at opening it. But also, I'm not sure it matters, as they also explain that the doors of the plane allow 6-8 passengers to get out in the time it takes 1 to get out that smaller door over the wing exit and in the disaster every second matters. Ahhhh I'm stressed out just reading this.
Another little helpful tidbit in case of emergency is to not inflate your life jacket on the plane, because apparently "if water fills the cabin, passengers with inflated vests can be pressed up against the ceiling, unable to swim down to the door." Just let that image sink in of you floating around like Charlie breaking the rules in the Chocolate Factory chamber. Except instead of farting your way down to a stern talking to by Willy Wonka, you die.
Probably the only thing that makes this course worth the nightmares it will induce is the fact that you get to go down that slide that you always hear these planes are equipped with, but you don't ever get, or really want, to see.
So, yeah, if you want to experience a disaster, in a controlled setting, go ahead and sign up for this class. But really, for the cost of the class you could go on a trip, ideally on a plane where none of this occurs.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's the Great Gross Pumpkin

I am still clinging to summer. It is warm enough out and we have a long winter ahead of us. Why rush? I hate when September hits and everyone pushes into fall, or even worse-the holidays. It fills me with sadness. It is like seeing a child acting like a grown up. Carefree childhood, like the heat of summer, is the shortest most magical time, everyone should cling to it, because we have so much more time to wear coats and worry.
But, thanks to the bizarre obsession with freaking pumpkin spice, everyone is all about fall.
You can get pumpkin everything. But do you really need to?
Honestly, I'm not a fan of pumpkin. Actually the smell of carving a pumpkin at Halloween literally makes me gag. So I just don't get the "basic bitch" obsession with the parade of pumpkin products.
And I'm noticing this year there is even more than the usual latte and candle out there.  Although, we can all breath a sigh of relief that the Durex Pumpkin Spice flavored condoms were in fact an internet hoax. But you can get:

Obviously Pumpkin Pie vodka

Pumpkin Spice Jello Pudding

This is perhaps the most odd of all to me-
Pumpkin Spice Whey Protein Supplement

For gym rats to post pumpkin spice protein shake fall "healthies?" Or this guy? He definitely is into that.

Oh, even your precious pooch get in on the action
With Pumpkin Spice Dog Treats. What the hell?

 Instead of regular buttery spread, you can switch over to this for the season
Country Crock Pumpkin Spice
The worst is you are right now probably thinking how putting Pumpkin Spice spread on your pumpkin muffin or pumpkin bread along with your Pumpkin Spice Latte would be delicious and not at all overkill. Just No.

These might be the most palpable of this crazy pumpkin spice patch-
Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.

Pumpkin Spice M&Ms

These just look gross. Even the M&M guy on the bag looks upset about this.
Pumpkin Spice Oreos were inevitable
Admittedly, this recipe for brownies with them does seem ok.

Definitely not ok, is smelling like pumpkin wearing this Bath and Body Works Sweet Pumpkin spray.
And worst of all, is going as Pumpkin Spice for Halloween in this ridiculous costume.

All of this pumpkin makes me feel like this:
Let's just please stop this nonsense now.