Monday, September 24, 2012

The Great Bacon Shortage of 2013

A press release from the U.K.'s National Pig Association is warning that "a world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable." Currently, Great Britain has rising pork costs and a bacon shortage with farmers cutting back on herd sizes. Apparently, "pig farmers have been plunged into loss by high pig-feed costs, caused by the global failure of maize and soya harvests. All main European pig-producing countries report shrinking sow herds." They say droughts may also be to blame.
Well, I think the increased used of bacon is to blame. Bacon is everywhere. It's inexplicably trendy-like moustaches. Maybe, we should stop being pigs and stop wearing bacon and eating bacon sundaes and drinking bacon beer....and having moustaches. Just saying. October is vegetarian awareness month. Maybe at least cut back on this salty cured meat for the pig's sake.
Here are some bacon things I think we can blame for this impending bacon shortage:
British Artist/Photographer Carl Warner makes these landscapes out of bacon. Why?

Bacon Beer-it also has maple doughnuts in it. Homer Simpson would give up Duff for this.


It suggests on the package adding more bacon to the cake as a topping.
I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Burger King's Bacon Sundae. Because you haven't had enough after eating your bacon double cheese burger?

And of course Lady Gaga's bacon/meat dress abomination.
Yep, as with many problems, I feel we are clearly to blame for this. Let's give pigs a chance here people! Can't kale be cool? I think a kale dress would be tres chic.

Might I suggest some pro-pig propaganda literature.

Now I realize, some of you have great love for bacon. Like apparently Nick Offerman aka Mr. Karen Walker aka Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. And I am only posting his Slam Poetry ode to bacon because it is part of College Humor's Malarious Initiative, which aims to raise malaria awareness and funds to treat children infected with the disease. It's not to feed into your bacon obsession. Oh, and look, he has a moustache.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Mitt Faced

Mitt Romney made yet another unusual decision along the campaign trail. On Wednesday, the Republican candidate appeared on Univision's "Meet the Candidate" forum, co-hosted by Facebook at the University of Miami. But listening to him shovel his way out of the pile of Mitt he created earlier in the week with his 47% comment seemed less important than wondering what the heck happened to his face.
The normally human-skin colored candidate appeared to have a bizarre orange tint which obviously led many to speculate if he could have done this in some silly, misguided attempt to make himself more appealing to Latin voters by having darker skin.
Of course, I'm sure he won't admit to it, but seriously--look! He is the exact same oompa loompa color as Tanning Mom!
Ay caramba!
Well don't worry Mitt, tanning mom has your back for when all that tanning takes it's toll on you. The Tang colored Jersey mom is starring in a new series of web videos produced by skin-care guru Dana Ramos who is promoting her book "The Skin Regime: Boot Camp for Beautiful Skin."

Caveat for Cheap Wine Induced Hot Mess Friday

It's Friday so time to cut loose and party! But don't end up like this hot mess.
Alison Whelan is now serving jail time from her weekend of fun last September. This fun-loving gal was on a two day bender drinking Lambrini (a cheap fruity sparkling wine marketed to ladies) and eating the hallucinogenic plant nightshade. Obviously that led her to somehow decide she was a pirate and she commandeered a river ferry from the Paignton Pleasure Cruise line on the River Dart in Devon, England to take sail on her way to Saint Tropez. She could be heard shouting into the night "I'm Jack Sparrow!" -- referring to the sexy Johnny Depp character from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Whelan claims she "tripped" over the ropes loosening the boat from it's dock hitches which caused her to go for an out of control bumper boat cruise through the area filled with other docked boats until her claimed vessel drifted to a stop about a mile upstream. In addition to declaring herself Jack Sparrow, she also taunted the police pursuing her with a mad rant shouting "I believe this is out of your jurisdiction!"
This is all true.
So drink up me hearties yo ho but remember, if you see a boat, you are not a pirate just because you are wearing a hat, a lot of eyeliner, and speaking with a British accent. But like Jack Sparrow, Alison Whelan may be the worst pirate you have ever heard of, but you have heard of her.

BONUS! In case you need a song to drink your sparkling pear wine to as you plot which pretty boat you will be setting off for the horizon in to search for more nightshade you can thank me for introducing you to this catchy, little shanty.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Have a Wee Bit of Tea And Then Fire the Cat

Larry, pictured here dressed for the Royal Wedding, is no longer in the lap of luxury.
A bit of trouble across the pond today. British Prime Minister David Cameron faced a tough decision when he had to fire his pet Larry from being the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet. Larry apparently naps all the time and took six months to catch his one and only mouse while holding his position. And according to British publication The People, "the breaking point came on Thursday when the Prime Minister found Larry asleep on his chair in his Number 10 study as a mouse ran across the room."
Larry was also famously caught sleeping on the job by a photographer in June who found him in laying in the middle of Downing Street in the sun. A protective police officer then scooped him up from the street and deposited the lazy feline at Cameron's door.
The Prime Minister is trying to handle the situation with diplomacy. Although Larry will be completely sidelined from the job as they are bringing in a feisty feline Freya to do the work, they are calling it a "job share" so no feelings will be hurt.
Keep a stiff upper lip Larry, I'm sure you will land on your feet.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Video Killed The Romney Star

Oh boy. Romney's poor campaign staff. They are probably just drunk in sad resignation right now. Today was a rough day for them. First, a video was exposed from a May campaign fundraising event in which Romney says that 47% of the country are pathetic freeloaders "dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it." Now is he assuming that 53% of people won't be insulted by that statement? He maybe should have aimed for less of a margin of error in his divide. Maybe just alienated only a third of the voting country? 
Well anyway, just as I was popping antacids from digesting that unsavory nugget, yet ANOTHER video busted out launched by the Romney campaign. This one is an ad entitled "Dear Daughter" and it's aimed at the lady vote. As I see it, no self-respecting woman could vote for Romney. He wants to block access to critical health care services, including reproductive and family planning services and he doesn't support equal pay. And am I sniffing glue, or did we just find out via that secret video that he doesn't even give a poo in the john about half the population, so how am I to reconcile that he is talking to unemployed, struggling women with any sort of compassion.
The 47% video alone caused many pundits and political writers to say that he just lost the election.  Josh Barro at Bloomberg wrote that the leaked video "has killed Mitt Romney's campaign for president," explaining, "Romney already has trouble relating to the public and convincing people he cares about them. Now, he's been caught on video saying that nearly half the country consists of hopeless losers."
I agree. I think the only hopeless loser here is Romney.
You can support Romney by trying to wipe up some of the crap.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Listen Up

On NPR's The Nose with Colin McEnore on Friday we had a lot to discuss and it was all about trickery. The actors who got tricked into being in an anti-Muslim film that has caused horrifying and deadly outbursts, a professor who tricked her gender studies class into being forced into watching her breast feed, and men who use over the top proposals to trick women into marrying them.
I'm not going to trick you into listening, but you can if you want to.

A Boutique of Men in the City of Love

Ooh la la these dating sites are really getting creative. And of course, the French, who we can credit with other delicious things like crepes and champagne, have come up with an amazingly scrumptious twist.
Yep, I need to hop a plane because shopping in Paris just got even better.
The French dating website (Adopt a Guy) is doing a promotion scheme in which they have set up boutique in Paris where women can shop for their perfect man. The merchandise is displayed in glass containers that resemble boxes of a Ken doll and the boy toys inside have names like "Mr. Muscle" and "The Rocker" and come complete with accessories to make play more exciting like guitars and surf boards. And as you can imagine the crowd around this boutique to adopt one of these dolls is a big as the ones to adopt a Cabbage Patch doll back in 1985.

 Now of course, many are arguing that this set up is not tres chic but rather quite gauche as it is incredibly objectifying to men. Fair enough. Just think of the reactions if a dating website set up a boutique shop with women posed for the picking in boxes like Barbies. And some critics are even comparing this boutique to Amsterdam's red light district where the female prostitutes advertise themselves in luridly illuminated windows. But the dating website says that objectifying men or equating them to prostitutes is not their aim, but they do look to empower women and make them feel less threatened and more in control with the dating process. And they feel this temporary shop is just a fun and playful "market of love." After all, Paris is the city of love.
I think this flirty, French boutique is great marketing. I still don't like the idea of online dating and, in fact, think it's ridiculous. Human kind has somehow successfully been mating for centuries prior to the likes of and and of course (which led me to consider therapy after designing a dream man who looked just like my gay roommate) and all the others helping us along, so I'm sure we'd be just fine without them. But these dating sights are working hard to win us all over to suck on their sugar coated schtick that true love at first sight is one click away.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Too Fat for Tennis? They've Got Some Balls.

Taylor Townsend is a 16 year old American who is currently the reigning junior Australian Open singles champion, the junior Wimbledon doubles champion, the junior US Open doubles champion and the number one junior tennis player in the world.
But apparently, she was just benched by the United States Tennis Association until further notice for being too fat.
Her coaches refused to pay her way into the US Open, not because she wasn't playing well and wouldn't win, but because she doesn't look like what a "fit" athlete would look like. But does it matter what you look like if you can perform? And what kind of message is this sending to kids? That rather than competing and being their best, they should just give up if they are chubby?
I think I can totally relate to this poor girl as I grew up studying intensive ballet, which is very similar to training competing at an intense level with a sport. And like with a sport, your body is important and there are certain ideals. In ballet, that ideal is the long, willowy, fatless, waif who can bend fluidly in every way. But I was not graced with such a physique. I am short and muscular and not fat, but not a waif. Despite that, I have enjoyed many successes as a dancer including performing internationally because I worked harder than every other girl and could do more turns and leap higher and dance with more passion. I suspect this is exactly how young Taylor Townsend is. Hopefully all the outcry, including from former tennis champ Martina Navratilova, will get the USTA to reconsider and get her back on the court. And hopefully this young woman doesn't end up with an eating disorder. She has a great opportunity to be a champion in another way, she can be a champion for everyone who was once told that they weren't good enough or were too fat or too small. Don't listen to all that racquet.

Not Since 1st Grade Has A Bus Been So Cool

The internet is amazing. Everyday there is a new viral video floating around offering us all distraction from the work we should be doing and fodder to facebook about.
Today I came across this video-which is a commercial for the Midttrafik public buses in Denmark.
Epic, right?
It's like a sexy action film but starring over the top comedic actors. It would be like a James Bond movie starring Jason Sudakis with Kristin Wiig as a Bond girl and. It is awesome.
And more importantly, it makes public transportation look awesome.
Public transportation is something that Europeans are ahead of us with anyway. But with gas prices being what they are, doesn't it make sense? We need to start making our public transportation this great-or at least advertise it to seem this great. I dread a city bus. Why does it smell like urine? Why is it always too hot or too cold? I definitely don't look like that woman in this commercial relaxing in my seat with wind blowing in my hair. And god forbid you touch anything including the over-head rings in the bus or subway in NYC-you'll most likely contract the plague.
But this commercial makes me want to hop on a big, long one all night long. Let's get one of these made for all the US mass transportation companies so that we can be as cool and earth friendly.
As further motivation to make public transit more cool//look more cool-here's what it actually looks like in NYC. 
This dude is licking his shoe.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Lesson for the Day: World's Shiniest Living Thing Proves All That Glitters Isn't Gold

Scientists have declared the Pollia condensata, a berry found in Africa to be the world's shiniest living thing. I didn't even know that was a title out to be had. I'm sure Honey Boo Boo was bedecked in her rhinestone-studded pageant finery and trying her redneck best to be in the running for that title. But according to The Smithsonian, this rare fruit which looks like a metallic blueberry, beat out tougher competition than Honey Boo Boo, including the kaleidoscopic wings of the Morpho butterfly and the exoskeleton of the scarab beetle to earn this shiniest title.
But the lesson here is, that while this berry is a thing of iridescent beauty, it is not as delectable as it looks. It's apparently overcompensating for its lack of nutritional value and poor taste with its brilliant colorization. Scientists say that despite it being useless, it still attracts birds and tricks them into carrying it around spreading it's popularity and also into decorating with them to make their nests look more attractive. So basically it's nature's version of the new iPhone 5-it's shiny, attention-getting, and makes your look more attractive to own it, but really there is no purpose.
Scientists remark that the most fascinating aspect of the fruit is how it accomplishes its luminous look which is not from the pigment chlorophyll like most plants, but rather from a skin made up of cellulose that is structured in asymmetrical layers which refract light in nuanced ways. In studying this, they hope to mimick the glimmer for industrial applications and the invention of new textiles and materials using sustainable routes creating with natural and abundant materials like cellulose. While I do like the sound of natural made sustainable sparkle, I still can't help but think they are going to somehow use this for evil.
Anyway, expect shinier things and an iPhone 6, but don't be a bird brain and remember the lesson of Pollia-all that glitters is not gold.
Gold! And by wearing this I'll be like the Pollia and trick people into making me popular and bringing me home. Perfect.
And in case you need some sparkle in your day and are now wondering what makes things glittery:

Monday, September 10, 2012

Save Prince Harry!

So last week it was announced that the party boy Prince Harry was shipped back to the military, undoubtedly an attempt by the Royal family to keep the ginger's pasty tush from making more scandalous appearances.
But it now has been reported by Reuters that "The Afghan Taliban said on Monday they were doing everything in their power to try to kidnap or assassinate Britain's Prince Harry." No!
The Prince is on four-month tour, based out of Camp Bastion in volatile Helmand province, where he will be on the front line in the NATO-led war against Taliban insurgents flying attack helicopters.
Shockingly, the Minister of Defense has a Keep Calm and Harry On reaction to this saying that "the threat to Prince Harry's life in Afghanistan was less severe in helicopters." I say that any time the Taliban is threatening you, you should run scared.
God save the Prince!
I'm sure a new game will be made where you can attempt to save Harry in his helicopter from the Taliban.

Andy Murray Scores 007 at US Open

Some pot-bellied, balding 82 year-old man escaped from his nursing home and stumbled on stage interrupting a press conference for the US Open during an interview with Andy Murray following his win. The older man was babbling about how great Scotland is.
What? No! That was Sean Connery?! Yep, Bond, James Bond wearing a salmon polo and what I believe is a Life Alert emergency button around his neck. Yikes.
Though now I'm kinda hoping that busting into press conferences is something potentially senile Sean Connery starts to do on a regular basis.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Obama Ink

The material girl is expressing herself again. This time at least it's only offensive if you happen to be a Republican and a Madonna fan.
Madonna's usual stage striptease during her performance last night at Yankee Stadium served the purpose of revealing her "Obama" tramp stamp.
She's been a vocal supporter of Obama since the 2008 election.
It is unclear whether this is permanent or painted on, but either way, leave it to Madonna to go big or go home when it comes to showing her political support.
And apparently Madge, as always, is totally vogue. I had no idea how many people out there feel the need to permanently honor the President on their bodies with a tribute tattoos.

I guess just buying an Obama sweater for your dog and plastering the bumper of your car with stickers just isn't committing to the cause enough for some people. Looks like Obama tattoos are the new Asian symbol. At least you can't go wrong with Obama and risk that what you thought meant faith actually means diseased slut.
And if body art is any prediction of how the election will go, I think Obama has it. While hundreds of Obama ink came up in my google research of this, I didn't find one person rocking a Romney tattoo.
Just this:

Paris In a Can Is a Lot of Hot Air

The nose knows. What does Paris smell like? I would say fresh baked croissants and expensive perfume? Well now, thanks to another etsy find, for only $9.99 you can buy your nose a trip to Paris with artist Kirill Rudenko's Original Canned Air. The description on the digital craft fair site says this is "a middle-sized can filled with the spirit of the city, a piece of world heritage" filled with fresh air formula of 20% The Louvre, 20% Notre Dame, 25% Eiffel Tower, 15% Musée d'Orsay, 10% Champs-Elysées, 10% Sacre Coeur." Oh mon dieu.
Yes, this is a real thing. Yes, you should be rolling your eyes. 
Here's my suggestion you saps. Get a can, put your $9.99 in it, and start saving towards an actual trip to Paris. Not to mention the bonus of not looking like a snuffer who just paid $9.99 for a freakin' useless can of air.
Unless you are like Mel Brooks in Spaceballs:

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Collect All! The 2012 Election Shopping Bonaza

As a nation right now we are thrust deep into the bowels of this 2012 Presidential election, so we have to be prepared for lots of crap. Here's a sampling of some of the best crap you can collect. I'm sure much of it will be like a Beenie Baby with a tag on it and be speculated to be of value on ebay for years to come.
Not to mention how cool will you look proudly erecting your political stance with an Obama or Romney condom.

Don't forget to collect some of these Cat Lovers for Obama buttons from the DNC to pin on the collars of your feline friends.

And show your support with your smell by slathering on these lotions from bliss:
Or how about bringing the excitement of the race home when you wind these little guys up to have a poop-off!
And why not roll out some of this while we are on the topic of poopers.......
This election has you really chewed up? Have a piece of this:

 Now this is just horrifying, but if you are into that kind of thing go ahead and "visit his oval office."

Mitt Romney flip flops are not surprisingly an actual thing

And we know that from the Romney Irish Setter incident, that all dogs will be barking for Barack.

Now if all this nonsense leads you to drinking, just sit back and enjoy a super pack of "alection"

*It's also worth checking out the candidates official shops on their websites for all your political gifting from slogan t-shirts to grill spatulas and beach towels.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

'Til Death Do Us Part: These Viral Propsoals Kill Me

In other news that makes me feel ok about being single......
A 30 year old man from Omsk, Russia did one of those ridiculously staged, attention-getting, elaborate proposals in which he faked his own death to make his girlfriend "realize how empty her life would be without [him] and how life would have no meaning."
Other than his inflated sense of importance, this man's misguided attempt at romance actually makes me long for that horrible viral smut featuring a bunch of community theatre actors taking time out from performing their budget version of Cats to dance behind a pick up truck to Bruno Mars' "I Think I Wanna Marry You" simply because at least there's no death in that-except for their dignity.
Until now I thought this made for the least romantic proposal possible.
Call me crazy, but I think a proposal does not need to be some self-indulgent and over the top production number. Planning a proposal now seems to take as much preparation and money as a wedding. Maybe even more. They are almost becoming Spielberg movies. And I truly believe the worst part is it is not even about the love, it is all just part of a plot for those fleeting moments of internet fame. And Alexey Bykov, who faked his own death as part of his epic proposal show, is really perfect supporting evidence to my argument.
Bykov hired a movie director, stuntmen, make-up artists, and even a script writer to stage a bogus car crash. He told his girlfriend to meet him at a certain location. When she arrived, there was a scene of chaos with mangled cars and smoke with Bykov laying covered in blood on the road. When she not surprisingly burst into tears at this scene of horror, he took that as the perfect emotional moment to rise from the "dead" and asked her to marry him turning this tale of terror into a fairytale. Very grim.
And despite the fiery car crash, tears, bloodshed, and lies, this girlfriend said yes! I would have grabbed this guy by his bright red overalls (a wardrobe choice which is another big 'what was this guy thinking?' I am grappling with here) and smacked him around until he had some real blood streaming down his face for putting me through such emotional turbulence and for assuming that I needed to be taught this lesson of how miserable life would be without him. 
Basically we need to start protecting ourselves from the viral infection of preposterous proposals because like herpes at a Chinese beauty pageant, it's just spreading and getting worse.

Barack and White

With the RNC over and the strippers heading home, it's time to look to what the DNC has in store for us. And since Clint Eastwood's scene on stage with the chair was memorable, the Democrats are planning their move since they obviously don't want to be outdone. And who better to bring them attention than the one and only Betty White. She's a "national treasure" after all. And she's hilarious. I'm sure she'd do a great scene with any sort of furniture you put in front of her. Might I suggest a table with cheesecake on it?
It may happen. Democrat activists have created social media petitions to get her there, and the petitions last year to get her on SNL worked. Plus Betty White's a great counter to the Republicans' recent assaults against women's rights. As former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said this week in an interview with Huffington Post, "Why would any woman would want to vote for Mitt Romney." So bring on Betty!

"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."-Betty White