Sunday, January 25, 2015

Miss Universe's United Nations of Fashion

It's Sunday night, I'm bracing for Snowpocolypse 2015, and a half of bottle into wine when I stumble upon the Miss Universe Pageant on TV.
Beauty pageants that don't have Honey Boo and tantrums where flippers fall out are as uninteresting to me as sports game matches. But one minute into Donald Trump's Miss Universe and it became clear that this international hooker parade offered something of Olympic proportion with their cultural costumes. Game on, bitches.
Obviously these ladies all robed themselves in gowns featuring subtle, classy nuances that express what makes their homeland unique. Canada really nailed it, eh?
Scoreboard is the new scrunchie.
Canada wasn't alone in the use of an over the top fascinator to set that party mood. Some other favorites included:

Aruba's hooters
Peru's belt buckle (and angry bird cape)
And Indonesia's Maleficent
Good thing her invitation didn't get lost in the mail. I'd hate to think of the wrath she'd have on these other beauties.
It becomes clear it is go big or go home. I guess these girls have to do what they can to stand out and let you know where they are from because literally many of these beautiful girls look identical whether they are Indian or Dutch-I honestly can't tell. They are all tan with big pinterest hair and highlights. (Except Miss Jamaica and her daring pixie cut.)
But really, this night was more about feathers than anything. I imagine backstage to have looked like a chicken coup massacre. You had some real fowl play here with:

Jamaica's gay pride turkey
Nicaragua dressed as Disney World's Tiki Tiki Room
Belgium's no-armed spikey winged beach bird

And of course the good ol' USofA really showed how to fly like a patriotic eagle.
And this kind of bustle showgirl look went on and on with lots of feathers for everyone. I guess since Victoria's Secret has sexy angels, this pageant had to be different and use feathers for sexy birds.

But beyond the feathers, there were also some interesting use of props/accessories.

Bolivia wielded a glittery nerf sword.

British Virgin Isles brought all the genies for good luck.
You ain't never had a friend like me.
Japan made everyone nervous with a weapon that she shouldn't have been able to get past security.

While Hungary had a tiny little stuffed bunny.
I watched a "My Strange Obsession" about this kind of thing once.
At this point, it is clear anything goes. Anything. Even poor Miss Australia who clearly somehow lost her actual costume did ok by just taking some Crayola markers to a big round of cardboard and tying her hotel room drapes around her waist.


But at least she tried. Some girls seemed to miss the memo.
Like Miss Israel


And Miss Croatia who bought her dress at Forever 21.

Or that bitch from France who just threw on a beret with her ball gown because she is above all this.

And of course for all those who tried hard to resist this nonsensical push to be turned into a live action "It's a Small World" doll, there were several poor girls who ended up looking like the slutty Halloween costume version of their nationality.

Ok, Greece.
Ugh. Great Britain. I don't think the Queen approves.
Yikes, Nigeria.

And then there was the inexplicable and confusing multicultural muumuu from Korea.


Pretty much everyone of these stereotypical costumes bordered on offensive.

I mean for fuck's sake Germany was wearing a Berlin Wall snuggie. (And of course carrying some of the 99 Luftballons.) It's as if they said, "What do people think of when they think German? Like good stuff that won't make everyone nervous and hate us again."
And I guess Miss Germany couldn't just throw on a lederhosen and wear a beer stein because Miss Curacau already cornered the market on wearing a booze bottle.

There were some crazy, beautiful, cool looks that could make for some fierce America's Next Top Model high fashion photo shoots. I'd rate my top three smize-worthy as
The Venzuela tree
This goddess from India

And this prehistoric party from El Salvador

Yes, Miss Universe was truly pageantry at its finest.
Other than the costumes, I'd have to say the other big highlight for the evening was Miss Columbia (spoiler alert: the winner) saying that she wanted to pursue business so she could "produce and export Columbian products" thus confirming my suspicion that these girls are as smart as they are stylish.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Gone Girl

One time I met a guy online. This story ends with my brother (who was my roommate at the time) and I hiding on the floor of our apartment to pretend to not be home while that creep rang the door bell looking for me.

I know that according to all these happy people who find love from the internet that my story is allegedly the unlikely exception. But I have trouble believing that. I think it is a more unlikely exception for an online encounter to lead to a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks "You've Got Mail" happy ending.
And in defense of my suspicions, it was reported today that a young woman in England Tupac-ed herself, aka faked her own death to, get rid of a guy she met online.

She told the British paper The Mirror that after a couple dates, she tried to break it off, but he was either too obtuse or crazy to understand that, so he was continuing to message her things like, “I think we need to have a date tonight! I will be around your house in 30 minutes.” (NOOOO!) And since she probably got sick of laying on her floor with the lights off hiding from him, she decided to take the next logical step in dealing with unwanted attention-tell them you are dead.
Well, first she said she was sick. She didn't want to rush death unless it was absolutely necessary. But when this kindly and persistent prince wanted to rush to her bed side, most likely to see if his kiss could heal her, she had no choice but to kill herself off.
Here's how quickly the saga played out:

As you can see, after the text where he learned she was dead, "Bad Date," who was waiting desperately outside the hospital, was so distraught at the thought of not getting to sleep with her, turn her into a skin lamp in his apartment, or whatever his plans were, that he couldn't even muster up the words "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Maybe he suspected he was being lied to. But either way, lying about your death is probably a bad idea. And an even worse idea is to return to the dating sight where you met the person you lied to. Which is what happened with this young woman. And, predictably, she encountered "Bad Date" on there and he called her out on being alive in a "horrid message." I don't really have sympathy for her on that part.
So....yes. I will continue to avoid online dating because I'm just too busy to properly fake my own death right now.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Happy Cheeze Day!

Back to blogging (finally). Happy 2015.
And nothing seemed like a more appropriate return than:


A totally legit holiday.
Because we all love cheese. It is the bond that binds us all. Like the gooey warm cheese holding together two pieces of bread.


But as much as cheese has the power to unite us, it can also tear us apart. There are few betrayals worse than someone eating your cheese.


Things get real. Fast.
Remember that woman who tried to poison her family because they ate her cheese? A part of me sympathized with her crazy in a way I've never understood crazy before.

Don't act like you don't get it. The Huffington Post reported today in honor of National Cheese Lover's Day that The American Cheese Society says that "in any given twelve-week period, approximately one-third of the population of the United States will eat macaroni and cheese at least once." Those are a lot of numbers and math to say that right now, you are probably reading this while eating some Mac & Cheese. Probably Kraft. Shaped like Sponge Bob. And you're 30. But feel no shame.

There is just no such thing as too much cheese.


In these destitute, dreary months of winter, as I hibernate and fantasize vacations, my couch naps bring dreams of escapes that not just involve the yellow glow of sunshine, but the yellow glow of cheese.


And even if I can't afford to escape the cold and take off on a quest for exotic cheese, we all know how luxurious the simple indulgence of snuggling up with night cheese is.


Cheese is great in all it's forms. From the highest end, fancy cheese where one tiny triangle costs as much as all the other groceries you are buying that day, to that suspiciously bright orange "cheese" powder that covers the balls that come in a giant plastic jar that after a long day you just want to go home and have your way with.

Cheese just makes you happy. Why do you think that when people go to take a picture they say "cheese?"

Sure it physically forces your mouth smile to say cheese, but really it makes your soul smile too. We don't say "peas." Nope. Those little green buggers that always manage to go rogue and infiltrate your freezer would not lead you smize with flair.

And while we are on the topic of smiling, it is worth adding the fun fact that some cheeses, like like mozzarella, cheddar, Swiss and American, help prevent tooth decay and protect tooth enamel because they promote the flow of saliva leading to elimination of sugar and acids from the mouth. This means less trauma at the dentist. Cheese just keeps being awesome.

Just start brushing with Cheeze Whiz.

Archaeological studies say cheese has been around since 6000 BC. And last year, a Chinese mummy was found to have been buried with its precious cheese. Makes perfect sense. I don't even want to think about an eternity that does not include cheese.

 Now, sure, when I encounter cheese in public it can get embarrassing.


Especially since my cheese consumption is most likely escalating in direct correlation with my wine consumption....


But on this one special holiday, that kind of behavior is ok!
Today is my Thanksgiving! I shall eat all the cheeses! And so should you!


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Drink Up Witches

The bewitching night of All Hallows Eve is almost upon us. And even if you aren't taking the opportunity to dress in some slutty costume and get drunk on Red Rum, you will probably binge on candy. Let's be real, that giant bag of mini Snickers you bought is not for the kiddies in the neighborhood dressed like characters from Frozen. So let it go and lock yourself in, protected from those greedy little goblins, so you can binge on candy in peace.

Now, since binging on Halloween candy is something you've been doing since you were old enough to drag a sac through the streets to collect it, it is time to up your game with your candy consumption and turn it into a classy sounding gourmet event you can tweet about-hence I have tested and prepared for you these Wine and Candy pairings.
This happened.
This was a grueling research process. Last night I ended up eating an entire bag of candy corn by the fist full, guzzling some cheap Vino Verde, and passing out on the couch at 8:30 pm while watching nostalgic Halloween tv specials from the 80s on youtube. When I arose confused out of this sugar induced coma around 3am, my cat was giving me the most judgmental and disappointed look.
But now, with my coffee table covered in wrappers, and a mouth stained deep red with the color of truth, I can share with you my favorites for how you should be binging this Halloween.
(In no particular tasting order)


1. Snickers and Merlot
Snickers is a candy with a lot going on-you have chocolate, peanuts, nougat, caramel....the candy's tag line is it "satisfies you." So, it stands to reason to think of this candy as the steak dinner of candy meals. And hence, a Merlot, with its fruit and black pepper tones, make a perfectly satisfying match.



2. Candy Corn and Vino Verde
Vino Verde is often described as a "cheap and fun" wine, with it's natural, sparkly taste. And, like the grown women who choose to dress as a slutty cat, candy corn is the cheap and fun option for a classic Halloween. Perfect. The bit of carbonated feel combined with the tart from the citrus undertones in Vino Verde is a good offset to the pure sugar of these little buggers.


3. Reeses and Cabernet Sauvignon
Combining a Cab with the saltiness of the chocolate covered peanut butter just nails it. Honestly, this could and should go on Web MD as a PMS cure. Maybe it is the full body nature of the dark fruit characteristics of this wine. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but that sounded like savvy wine talk.

4. Twix and Port
I don't love Port. I do however love Twix. That crunch of the cookie covered in caramel....it's the stuff fantasies are made of. And perhaps it is the presence of that cookie in this candy bar, but a good dessert wine really hit the spot with this one.
Also, why do fun size Twix bars only have one in the package? Isn't that the whole amazing point of Twix? You got TWO candy bars for the price of one? Why skimp out when it comes to fun, Twix? Why?!


 5. Butterfinger and Chardonnay
A buttery Chardonnay and a Butterfinger is a no brainer combo and they go better together than pumpkin spice and a latte.


5. Pop Rocks and Champagne
 This is a party. No Halloween party to go to? That's fine, just crank up Monster Mash and pour those pop rocks in your mouth and then take a swig of Champagne. Do it. And ignore being creeped out by that urban legend you always heard about Pop Rocks and the carbonation from soda killing you. We are big kids now and know better. Enjoy the party.






There you have it, my definitive Halloween candy and wine pairings for your Halloween shut in festivities. Drink up witches!

*Also, speaking of Fun Size, go ahead and check out the movie Fun Size on Netflix. It has Chelsea Handler in it and is a fun teen romp similar to the movie Superbad that will make you remember back to when Halloween meant something.*

Now go ahead and enjoy. If you dare. But, take warning, from experience, that while eating all this candy and drinking wine, you may initially feel like this:

Be careful, for the end of your night could be quite a fright.