Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wine is Like Going to The Gym: I'll Drink to That

Science announced that a glass of red wine may have the same effects as one hour of working out.
The study is published here on the internet. Which means it is true. Because everything we read on the internet is true.
But this totally real study was conducted by University of Alberta (making this the most exciting thing to come out of Canada since Ryan Gosling) and found that wine contains a natural compound called resveratrol which improves "physical performance, heart function and muscle strength" in the same way that "you would see from extensive endurance exercise training."
While I was sort of disappointed to learn that they did not mean that sitting on my couch drinking red wine would have the other benefits of working out-namely not having a muffin top, it is pretty awesome to think that my nightly indulgence of a glass of wine is actually a good idea.
I also wish this benefit applied to white wine as well, seeing as I am a big fan of cheap bottles of buttery Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio for my turtle time.
But still, this is great news. Red wine is a performance enhancing beverage.
I'm going to start training hard.


Friday, October 10, 2014

The Worst Halloween Costumes of 2014

 
The Definitive List of the Worst Halloween Costumes of 2014
 I scared up the most worthy costumes of the Winnifred Sanderson not impressed face from the web. 
And ate a bag of candy corn while doing so.


1. Couple costumes are always the worst. And this one is just gross. 
Picture the most annoying couple you know wearing this and spending the whole night at the party drunkenly smashing into each other in an unsexy sandwich.


I am, however, actually ok with this couple (or friends) Sharknado costume. 



2.  In case you want to not get flirted with on Halloween and want to be able to reuse
your costume next month, you could go as a turkey. 
Bonus: Showing up for Thanksgiving dinner dressed like this will stop your meddling family from asking you why you are still single.

 3. Sexy Yoda you are. What is essentially a bikini and beach cover up with a funny hat is the way to 
get all the nerds in the room to succumb to your force.  
Warning Nerds: Many girls who wear this costume may have never even seen a Star Wars.
 

 4. Cupcakes are a hot dessert trend. So why not be one. 


Clearly the only acceptable way to go as a cupcake is to go as Valerie Cherish from The Comeback dressed as a cupcake. And bonus points for the night if you finally punch 
that jerk in your life and you both puke.
*Also if you don't get this reference, immediately go on AmazonPrime and watch all of The Comeback and marvel at Lisa Kudrow's comedic genius. 

5. This is an inflated fat suit. With a tutu. So you can be a bloated ballerina. 
These inflated costumes seem to be popular in general this year. Why?




6. This costume, isn't slutty and actually shows some wit, but answer me this Great Pumpkin--how would you get your drink to your face wearing this giant rectangular frame?

Spend a fun moment right now picturing the trick of a person in this Mona Lisa costume
 trying to get her arms around the frame to get food and drink treats to her mouth.


7. Fireman with built in muscles. In the right lighting and with the right amount of alcohol you could easily trick that cute chick in the sexy Yoda costume into 
starting a relationship with you predicated on lies.


 8. I'm not trying to slut shame here, but seriously? A banana? You take the most phallic fruit and dress up as it. Oh goody. It has a zipper so that you can scandalously be peeled all night.



9. This mermaid monstrosity falls into the same category of impracticality as the Mona Lisa one. For the love of candy, why would you wear this? You literally would have to be carried in and placed somewhere on the floor where you then would sit and flip your fins and not get too far all night. Could you even see through this alien-looking one piece? 
This is just reminding me how much I hated the seven hour movie Avatar. 
And again, how the hell would you drink your precious pumpkin ale in this?
 10. If I saw someone wearing this I would feel the need to knock them to the ground and then sit on them to see if a sound comes out. 

And speaking of people I will knock down in a sugar induced rage at a Halloween party-anyone wearing this Ice Bucket Challenge costume:


FYI: Even though I actually hate Halloween-except for the candy binging and watching Hocus Pocus everytime it is on air-I have a solid plan for a costume this year. I think it strikes the perfect balance of sexy, smart, topical, and ironic. Keep posted to see it!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Sleepless and Single Over 30

When it comes to the film Sleepless in Seattle, most people were swept away with how romantic the movie was and found themselves attached to the idea of fate, I, of course, latched onto another message from the movie.

The dramatic moment where Rosie O'Donnell's character tells Meg Ryan's that "It’s easier to get killed by a terrorist than to get married after 40." This has stuck with me for years. And while I'm still no where near 40, I do find myself aged 30 and single and worried that I will end up proving that statistic correct.
This statistic was not just made up for the movie by Nora Ephron. It comes from a 1986 Newsweek cover story which most likely terrified millions of women by reporting on an unpublished study saying that by age forty, a single, educated career woman is more likely to be “killed by a terrorist” than to ever get married. The study argued that “white, college-educated women born in the mid-1950s who are still single at 30 have only a 20 percent chance of marrying. By the age of 35 the odds drop to 5 percent.”

But before you freak out, this study was and is totally incorrect. And as for the whole being killed by a terrorist part, that was actually written as a funny aside in an internal reporting memo by Newsweek’s San Francisco correspondent Pamela Abramson who later said "It's true--I am responsible for the single most irresponsible line in the history of journalism, all meant in jest."
Yeah, that's a good joke. Especially in this day and age. It's hilarious that I would be more convinced that I will encounter a terrorist attack than a nice guy should I leave my house.
Well, here we are, 21 years after Sleepless in Seattle, and nearly 30 years after that preposterous Newsweek study, and now a new study has been released for the terror of the Gen Ys and older Millennials that is harping on those same strings saying that "men across the age spectrum have a sexual preference for women in their mid-20s." So translation-- I'm officially an Old Maid.
Does this mean I can just give up on pretending to like going out to loud, hip bars and wearing uncomfortable shoes and just stay home with my cat watching Murder She Wrote on Netflix without guilt or embarrassment?
Time Magazine decided to follow up the study with their own study where writer Anita Hamilton (an over 30 single woman) asked straight, unmarried men in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s their thoughts on dating "older" women-and by "older" women we mean any woman over 30. Age 30. You know, your typical hip replacement candidates with fading beauty and sagging tits. Ridiculous. I definitely don't feel like an old lady, except for when I see 20 year old girls outside in the winter not wearing a coat over their mini-dress. Then I'm like, nope. Too old for that. And, while I do love staying in and watching Murder She Wrote (seriously the plots have great twists that put Law and Order to shame) and while I have other over 30 lady friends whose hobbies include cross-stitching, canning, and knitting, and we always bring a sweater in case there's a chill and often like to be home and in bed by ten, we should in no way be considered "older" women. And as proof of this, I would like to state that I was recently given a student discount at a movie theatre unsolicited.
Anyway, so Time published the preferences of the men they polled, and the results, while I guess better than the study, are.....not great.

25 year old and single Niv told Time,
“I appreciate the grace and expression of slightly older women. Certain facial features, like smile lines, can be charming."

Oh, thanks, Niv. I'm glad in your infinite wisdom that comes with being 25 that you think wrinkles are hot. You just saved me a fortune from injecting cow fat into my face. Though I still will continue to pick flattering filters on instagram that better mask my crows feet.


An anonymous 32 year old single man said women 30+ are

"Generally more expert at the multisensory/theatrical aspects of the whole dance.”

What the hell does that even mean? No wonder this dude wanted to be anonymous. But, now that he mentions it, I guess I do have my multisensory dance act together and it is all very theatrical. The pleasures of the smell of sore muscle balm, the sensuous moves of hoisting out of a posturepedic bed, the touch of wrinkles. It's all as I expertly woo you in with the Broadway show that is older woman me. Hello Dolly!



 Also quoted was this anonymous 49 year-old charmer who said,

 “Women over 30 have stopped putting metal through their lips and tongues which makes it easier to kiss them. And they’ve figured out their makeup routine so they won’t keep you waiting as long when you’re trying to get to an event.”

Really? That's awfully specific. I'm thinking this nearly 50 year old dude got sick of dating his 20 something girlfriend when she caused him to be late (again) to his office holiday parties by attempting some pinterest My Little Pony make up crap. Also, her piercings undoubtedly posed a threat to his dentures. 
Oh and in case you were thinking that patient dude sounds like a catch, he's listed as in a relationship.

Despite all this, I don't really feel too panic stricken that I will die alone and be eaten by my cats-yet. My parents met in their late 30's and are still blissfully married and that may be because they had time to develop as individuals. And I am glad I've done that as well. Granted, I am at or approaching an age where I definitely thought I'd have more of my sh*t together. Well, at least I can say I'm much cooler and happier now than I was at 24. Even if I am not married, or own property, or have a 401K. But I do wish that scientists and magazines and movies would all stop trying to make me panic about being over 30 and single. I have enough to worry about. Like sinkholes and spiders.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

If This Had Been A Real Emergency....

If you know me, or read this blog, or have seen/heard me talk about this, you know I am afraid of flying-or as I call it-afraid of suddenly not flying. I have even dedicated an entire blog to helping you understand (and laugh at) my anxiety with this.

So knowing that, you can imagine my horror in learning that for about $300, I could experience a fake flight disaster at British Airways Flight Safety Awareness Course
According to the Huffington Post, this course is designed so it "encourages passengers to be aware of their surroundings and familiarize themselves with what happens in an emergency." It also is supposed to make you feel more confident about the skills and experience of your captain and crew. The idea is if you are confident and prepared, you won't panic. But to be honest, just reading about what this course experience all entails, I was in a total panic.
You board a simulator plane, take a seat, and then there are sounds and motions to create a take off. Shortly after that, you enter my worst nightmare, as they fill the simulated craft with smoke and the crew yells "Brace! Brace!" At this point, I would probably pass out from hyperventilating. Even knowing this is fake.
Part of the curriculum is teaching you the proper brace position. You know the "put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye." They explain this procedure in detail and it should involve placing your head down, feet firmly planted and slid back towards you, with your dominant hand on top of your head and your other hand on top of that hand. The reasoning for this hand placement is that if something happens and your top hand is impacted and consequently shattered, your dominant hand can still unbuckle your seat belt so you can evacuate the plane. Great.
Next in this fun experience they yell at you to evacuate. This is described as a "scramble." And apparently opening those emergency exits over the wing is not as easy as you think. So think carefully about selecting that seat just for the tempting extra leg room. You don't want to get stampeded by angry passengers in a panic if you take too long working at opening it. But also, I'm not sure it matters, as they also explain that the doors of the plane allow 6-8 passengers to get out in the time it takes 1 to get out that smaller door over the wing exit and in the disaster every second matters. Ahhhh I'm stressed out just reading this.
Another little helpful tidbit in case of emergency is to not inflate your life jacket on the plane, because apparently "if water fills the cabin, passengers with inflated vests can be pressed up against the ceiling, unable to swim down to the door." Just let that image sink in of you floating around like Charlie breaking the rules in the Chocolate Factory chamber. Except instead of farting your way down to a stern talking to by Willy Wonka, you die.
Probably the only thing that makes this course worth the nightmares it will induce is the fact that you get to go down that slide that you always hear these planes are equipped with, but you don't ever get, or really want, to see.
So, yeah, if you want to experience a disaster, in a controlled setting, go ahead and sign up for this class. But really, for the cost of the class you could go on a trip, ideally on a plane where none of this occurs.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's the Great Gross Pumpkin


I am still clinging to summer. It is warm enough out and we have a long winter ahead of us. Why rush? I hate when September hits and everyone pushes into fall, or even worse-the holidays. It fills me with sadness. It is like seeing a child acting like a grown up. Carefree childhood, like the heat of summer, is the shortest most magical time, everyone should cling to it, because we have so much more time to wear coats and worry.
But, thanks to the bizarre obsession with freaking pumpkin spice, everyone is all about fall.
You can get pumpkin everything. But do you really need to?
Honestly, I'm not a fan of pumpkin. Actually the smell of carving a pumpkin at Halloween literally makes me gag. So I just don't get the "basic bitch" obsession with the parade of pumpkin products.
And I'm noticing this year there is even more than the usual latte and candle out there.  Although, we can all breath a sigh of relief that the Durex Pumpkin Spice flavored condoms were in fact an internet hoax. But you can get:

Obviously Pumpkin Pie vodka

Pumpkin Spice Jello Pudding



This is perhaps the most odd of all to me-
Pumpkin Spice Whey Protein Supplement

For gym rats to post pumpkin spice protein shake fall "healthies?" Or this guy? He definitely is into that.

Oh, even your precious pooch get in on the action
With Pumpkin Spice Dog Treats. What the hell?

 Instead of regular buttery spread, you can switch over to this for the season
Country Crock Pumpkin Spice
The worst is you are right now probably thinking how putting Pumpkin Spice spread on your pumpkin muffin or pumpkin bread along with your Pumpkin Spice Latte would be delicious and not at all overkill. Just No.


These might be the most palpable of this crazy pumpkin spice patch-
Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.

Pumpkin Spice M&Ms

These just look gross. Even the M&M guy on the bag looks upset about this.
Pumpkin Spice Oreos were inevitable
Admittedly, this recipe for brownies with them does seem ok.

Definitely not ok, is smelling like pumpkin wearing this Bath and Body Works Sweet Pumpkin spray.
And worst of all, is going as Pumpkin Spice for Halloween in this ridiculous costume.


All of this pumpkin makes me feel like this:
Let's just please stop this nonsense now.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Ceci n'est pas Hello Kitty.

I am in Chicago studying comedy at Second City and took some time today to go over to the amazing Art Institute of Chicago for some inspiration and culture and because as an Art History major, I totally geek out for art.
Their current featured exhibit is the bizarrely beautiful art of Magritte, possibly most famous in pop culture for his painting "Ceci n'est pas une pipe."
As I stood there looking at this painting, questioning its meaning, I found myself having nothing short of an existential crisis. The concept of "This is not a pipe" despite the fact that it is clearly a freaking pipe brought to mind the disturbing news from today that was equally as confusing and earth shattering-the fact that Hello Kitty is not a cat despite the fact that she clearly looks like a freaking cat.
A University of Hawaii anthropologist unearthed this paradigm shift while curating a retrospective of Hello Kitty for the Japanese American National Museum. She then broke the news to the LA Times saying that when she referred to the beloved character as a cat, the icon's creator Sanrio corrected her saying, "Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it's called Charmmy Kitty."
So all this time you were thinking that bow wearing bitch was a cat, but she fooled you. This is not some silly scenario like Disney where Mickey has both Pluto, a pet dog who embodies dog qualities, AND a friend Goofy, who is a dog but has man qualities. Don't be ridiculous. Sanrio wants you to grow up and get reasonable and see that Hello Kitty is logically human because she walks on two legs. Duh. She just looks like a cat.

Ok, so if she's human, why does she have whiskers? Is that supposed to be make up? Or some bizarre hair style? And more importantly why doesn't she have a mouth? Sanrio did answer that saying that she "speaks from the heart." This is all sounding more and more absurd and confusing.
Though, I guess now that I'm really analyzing her, I can slightly accept her being representative of a human child as she is anatomically vaguely similar to a Peanuts cartoon kid who we accept as human.....I just don't know......
So hence, there I stood in the art museum, staring at the "not a pipe" painting and profoundly thinking how if Hello Kitty is not a cat what else in my life has been a lie?

Monday, August 25, 2014

Subway Yoga, Ice Bucket Costume, and Stupid Men......A Few of My Least Favorite Things

It's only Tuesday and already I have so much to be mad about this week.

Yoga on the Subway. No thanks. Please don't try to prove you are better than me while showing off your hoohah in your see-through Lululemon pants. If I wanted to suffer this awkward inferiority in a sweaty, hot, crowded space, I'd go to a freaking yoga class. Ugh, I'd prefer the subway break dancers. They were actually less annoying.

While I am actually kind of ready for summer to be over, I see things like this and begin to dread the Pumpkin everything season. Come Halloween, everyone should have permission to dounce anyone they see wearing one of these stupid Ice Bucket Challenge costumes with freezing water in the chilly autumn air.
The news of the Nutella (really hazlenut) shortage is yet again another example of the media over-hype that attempts to appeal to the alarmist in all of us. Remember the great Bacon Shortage of 2013 and Cheesepocolypse of early 2014? Or even worse, the threat of wine shortage? Life went on and we have yet to run out of any of these indulgences. So let's all calm down and put our focus on things like...countries that really do need food.
But let's not let Miley Cyrus be the spokesperson for that. I know she is trying to do something good here, but I can't help but be disgusted by the media stunt of her taking a formerly homeless young man who resembled a circa 2000 Hanson brother as her date/mouthpiece for award acceptance to the VMAs. She also really splurged to show him a classy time and took him to In and Out Burger. Yes, homelessness is real and is a problem, and it is wonderful she is using her fame for something other than dry humping objects, but I think this seemed to exploit the issue in a self-indulgent manner-so typical Miley.
But maybe you are better off just finding a homeless man as your date. I am loosing faith in men. A man in England, with the help of a buddy, told his girlfriend he had been kidnapped just so he could stay out partying without her annoying him. This of course resulted in the concerned girlfriend getting the police to go on a futile manhunt eventually ending in the man getting busted and charged.
I need a drink.