Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Flakey Millennials Find No Time for Fruit Loops-And Other Struggles of My Generation

This week, the NY Times reported that "Almost 40 percent of the millennials ... said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it."
So, Millennials, who by all reports, are causing the demise of the modern world, are too lazy to even make themselves a bowl of cereal.

As a Millennial, I would like to respond to this outrageous accusation by saying....that is absolutely freakin' correct. Damn straight I hate doing dishes. I don't have a dishwasher in the apartment which I rent. By the time they were my age, older generations owned houses in shiny suburbs complete with dishwashers so they could afford to lavishly use dishes. But times they are a changing. And I have literally reused the same wine glass for four days to drink both my nightly glass of wine and my morning breakfast orange juice out of. 
And in further response to this study, I have compiled a list of things that I and other lazy Millennials seeking instant gratification do in case they need to do further studies on our apparently fascinating habits. 

-- I order Grub Hub, buy a dinner I shovel into a cardboard box at Whole Foods, or wiggle my way into dinner invitations so I don't have to cook. Or do dishes. Or grocery shop.

-- I order anything and everything I can online so I don't have to go anywhere extra or engage in dreaded small talk conversations with people who work at check outs.

-- I establish levels of cleanliness when it comes to laundry. Jeans can hardly ever be dirty. 

-- I have gone weeks maybe months moving one lightbulb from room to room because I was too lazy/forgetful to actually get more lightbulbs. This rationale has also been applied when it comes to other key necessities. I have showered with dish soap.

-- I prefer to text in emojis so I don't have to use actual words to express myself. A cute little pile of poop picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, words can be so tricky and confusing, whereas you can't really take an emoji the wrong way. 

-- I have committed the act of ghosting where I pulled a Houdini-like disappearance act on someone I was dating so as to not have to deal with the dramatics and feelings conjured up by an actual break-up conversation. 

-- "Dressy" yoga pants? Sexy, tousled bed-head messy hair? You can thank Millennials for these chic looks. Fashion is less of a statement and more about leaving my bed with time for nothing and still getting to where I am going passably on time. And beards being cool for guys does double duty by masking both their laziness to shave and their being too lazy to work out by hiding their chubby cheeks.

-- I look back on the days when Netflix didn't just play the next episode automatically as the evil Dark Ages of having to roll over and use a remote. 

-- Sometimes I just opt to watch a rerun or re-watch a movie I've seen because I'm too lazy to commit to focusing on something new. 

-- I can't remember the last time I wasted my ever dwindling energy looking something up in a book, writing a check, putting a stamp on something and mailing it, or reading a paper newspaper or magazine. Why would I? The internet does all of that. Faster. And I don't have to even put on yoga pants or leave the couch.

-- I actually get quite anxious and angry waiting for anything from email and text responses to waiting on my Uber car. Waiting feels like wasted time. And yet I find no irony in or problem with taking 10 minutes to select a filter for my instagram post or spending 20 minutes googling the perfect gif to respond to a friend's status with. 

-- I may not like, and even resent, my time being wasted from waiting, but I love wasting my own time. See Alanis, that's irony. 

-- Nothing infuriates me more than waiting in line, slow wifi, and cell phone batteries dying. These all seem like unnecessary ways the universe is being cruel. They test my already failing patience to the brink. 

-- Nothing thrills me more than plans canceling. Even if it is with a friend. The wealth of time earned from canceled plans feels like I've won the lazy lottery. 


Yes. It's true. The struggle is real.
*Also, when it comes to making cereal, there is an extra step that I find so makes it worth it. Try pouring some Bailey's in your Cocoa Puffs. It's the true breakfast of champions. 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Valentines Schmalentines: A Gift Guide

It has been brought to my attention that this weekend is Valentine's Day. While I will not be celebrating this holiday as it is against my religion of Singledom which worships the cat deity while drinking blessed box wine, I have taken a moment to assemble the absolute best Valentine's day gifts you could present your sweetheart or just get for yourself.


Name a cockroach at Bronx Zoo after your ex or your current boy toy who gave you an annoying drug store stuffed animal that plays and sways to Elvis. 
Unfortunately, the printed certificate that comes packaged with chocolate is already sold out. But you can still name a cockroach and print your own certificate for only $10!


Your own inflatable man. This is a steal, at only $6.95. Getting this 60inch dude in his snappy fedora and Clark Gable pornstache will leave enough money in your pocket for you to take him out to a nice dinner.














 If you really want to use some magic to make that special person fall under your spell, you can book reservations to have a special Harry Potter Valentine's Dinner at the Warner Brother's lot in London where they filmed the movies. The experience includes Moar drinks, a 3 part meal, a studio tour, and a wand. Though according to the website, unfortunately, you may have to actually be a wizard to get into this sold out experience. They have published the menu online, which looks amazing, so you could try to recreate this at home. And no, putting the movies on in the background and wearing a a snuggie and witch hat probably isn't good enough.

If creating a wizarding world isn't happening in your living room, you can always venture to White Castle of Waffle House which are both accepting reservations for Valentine's Day. Or just give up and head to Dairy Queen for the Single Blizzard Treat.



If politics is what makes your heart pound, why not get these presidential candidate chocolates. A "yuge" box is $44.95. But also, let's hope that life is not like a box of chocolates, because according to an article talking about these in NY Daily News, it is reported Trump is the most popular when it comes to chocolate candidates. No thanks. I wouldn't even eat him.






Star Wars has reached new levels of popularity again and is everywhere. So if you have a droid loving sweetie who you want to woo into your Millenium Falcon for journeys to galaxies far, far away, then screw flowers, because you should be sending one of these spectacular Star Wars Bouquets for $60. I'd totally get excited by this.

Or, if you want to get a little bit more...personal, you could head to Target and get one of these Star Wars pool toys that look like some Darth In-Vader adult fun. Whoops.

You know what is totally not at all creepy. Having a planter portrait sculpted of you and your significant other made. You can turn yourselves into your own chia pet. Together. Forever.

And if you are the type who is into personalizing stuff with your face, you can also do that with your underpants and your condoms

I'm not a hand holder because I'm a not a toddler who needs to be kept safe from running out in traffic, thanks. Plus those hand holder people bragging about their love take up so much space on the sidewalk as I'm in a manic rush to get to where I'm going because I woke up (alone) with time for nothing. But now, if you are one of those hand holders, you can show everyone how truly annoying you and your Shmoopie are by getting this heart mitten



 But, really, sometimes a simple Making a Murderer card just says it all. 


Monday, February 8, 2016

Things That Look Like the Superbowl 50 Halftime Show

I have no interest in football. I do however love a good show. So obviously I tune into the Superbowl to catch the Halftime Show.
But this year's show, featuring Beyonce, Coldplay, and Bruno Mars, was....weird. Like acid trip weird, despite having a great message about love for everyone. But by the time the marching band and Beyonce and Bruno Mars were shaking it to "Uptown Funk," I found myself desperately wishing that the lights would just go out, like what happened the last time Queen Bey took over the Superbowl stage.

So in case you missed it, here are several images that pretty much perfectly will recreate it.

First of all, those three artists, while each good, just don't go together. This is the meal equivalent of what we had to digest on stage:

Granted, the mash up and dance off with Bruno Mars and Beyonce had potential to be cool, but it just really looked like this:

And Chris "Coldplay" Martin went from being waaay too hyped up to looking so left out and awkward once those other two got involved, it was like this:

But really, Beyonce's mane event was upstaging everything like this:

Her mane swirled around more than the trippy bouquet of Lisa Frank flowers dancing across the 50 yard line making the whole thing look like my fifth grade trapper keeper like this:

By the end of the show, we were left with just so much freakin over-stimulating color like this:


And the same uneasy feeling you get from watching a Rankin Bass cartoon like this:

Thanks Superbowl 50 for the rainbow musical mess. 
I'm actually shocked they couldn't find a place for Superbowl icon Left Shark in this many colored spectacle. 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Female Shark Who Ate A Male Shark Whole Is The Feminist Hero We Need


While we are in the dead of the winter and months away from the wonderful summer days of Shark Week, a video of a female shark eating a male shark from a Seoul aquarium has gone viral. And it is amazing. Mostly because this female shark is the feminist hero we've all been waiting for.
After being pestered by a male banded hound shark that kept bumping into her, this mighty female tiger shark retaliated in the most girl power way possible- by eating the annoying male.
Here's the video:



YAAASS shark girl! 
You show that guy that NO MEANS NO!
You warned that persistent Romeo that his unwanted attention and touching was harassment and you would take action. And you did. Fiercely. 
Now every time I am walking down the street and some clueless man cat calls at me that I'm "hot" or when some dude all of a sudden has more arms than an octopus and all of them are on me, I'll think of this bad ass shark chick, and visualize these harassers as my snack, with their toes hanging out of my mouth as I strut swim away. And I suggest you do the same.
Now, while it would be hard to justify this kind of vigilante behavior in the human fight against sexual harassment, it is really empowering to see a female come out on top of the food chain.
It's not easy being a woman. Women get paid less than men. For example, it leaked last week that Gillian Anderson was offered less money than her co-star David Duchovny for the X-Files return. And we know women's bodies aren't always their own. Most disturbingly this week in El Salvador, where the Zika virus is spreading, the government is telling women to not get pregnant so as to reduce the risk of more babies being born with the birth defect the virus causes. And while this seems like a good idea, contraception in this country is hard to come by and abortions are illegal. And when it comes to women in power, we see presidential candidate Hilary Clinton being told she is not "trustworthy," which at the root seems like a complaint dripping with sexism. 
With struggles like this, women need a hero to look to. An inspiration to remind us that we are strong and that we are bigger than whatever is bothering us. 
And I think this male eating shark is that hero.

Marvel Comics 
Now, I'm in no way suggesting you attempt to eat that man in your office whose un-welcomed flirting is even harder to cope with knowing the idiot also probably makes more money than you do. That would be a bad idea. And cannibalism. But I do think you can use Female Shark as your feminist spirit animal to rise above and in other ways destroy the limitations set on you. You don't have to take being touched when you don't want to be. You don't have to tolerate being told you run like a girl or that your choices for your body are a matter of politics. Female Shark wouldn't take crap like that. And neither should we. 
Ladies, let's live every week like it's lady shark week!

Friday, January 22, 2016

La Cheeze & Whine Winter Shut In Netflix Binge List

We are bracing for Snowpocolypse 2016 on the east coast. With this year's mild weather so far, I feel we are all actually like this teacher looking forward to some snow for forced couch time.
And since obviously we have all already binged on Making a Murderer and are stressed out from Sarah Palin, I figured I'd let you know about some fun and maybe lesser known picks from the lighter side of Netflix viewing that will help calm you down and get you through.

La Cheeze & Whine Winter Shut In Netflix Binge List



"The Spoils Before Dying"
An IFC mini-series that is a creative parody of vintage bad tv follows a 1950s jazz pianist turned private eye who becomes embroiled in a murder investigation. It's sort of a high budget, extended SNL skit starring Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph. It's so intentionally terrible that is delightful. Make it a true binge and watch its sister series "The Spoils of Babylon" while you are at it.


"Vexed"
A snarky British police sitcom featuring a mis-matched pair of Detectives with sexual tension who must work together to solve bizarre murders. If you like things like "Law and Order: SVU" and "Castle," but wish they had more sarcasm and sex, you'll dig this.


"The Search for General Tso"
A history of the real General and how my favorite Chinese take out chicken dish got named for him. Informative, filled with fodder for interesting anecdotes that you can wow any crowd with when they bring up Chinese food. It's also told like a good detective story, and best watched while enjoying some take out-because you will definitely be craving some watching this.


"Lucky"
After all the recent Lottery craze, this is a relatable one. It's a dark comedy about a serial killer who unwittingly wins the lottery jackpot starring Colin (Tom's son) Hank, Ann-Margaret, and Mimi Rogers aka the gum girl from Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.




"The Riches"
You may have missed this totally binge worthy show when it aired on FX nearly a decade ago, but it is so good. Eddie Izzard plays a gypsy con-artist who leads his family into stealing the upscale life of another man who they find dead on his way to moving into his new home. You won't be able to stop until the end. And Izzard creates a character who, like Tony Soprano, makes you so confused about what is actually right and wrong.


"Jem"
Not the shit movie they attempted to make. The original. The 80s cartoon that you probably watched but didn't really understand. It is like a soap opera with date drama plots worthy of Sex and the City. And just as stylish.


"Friends with Benefits"
A short lived but cute sitcom from 2011 that if you like things like "How I Met Your Mother," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," and "New Girl" you will enjoy. Right from the first scene of the pilot episode where a guy, rushing out of bed after sleeping with his best friend, puts on her skinny jeans instead of his own.  Oh the struggle.



"The Increasingly Poor Decision of Todd Margaret"
David Cross' dark sided humor creates this character who is destined to fail and bring everyone around down with him in this IFC sitcom about a pathetic loser who accidentally gets sent by his company to work in London, despite the fact that he is so clueless he doesn't even know that the Pound and Dollar have different values. Also stars my favorite British actress/comedian/writer Sharon Horgan.



"Better Off Ted"
A brilliant sitcom about a heartless company called Veridian and the employees who "don't fight it." Starring the super cute Jay Harrington and Portia de Rossi being the ultimate perfect corporate bitch. This show is so clever it is hard to believe it only was allowed to exist for two years. It is vainglorious. So watch it. For Jenkins. You'll get all this when you watch it.



"Small Town Security"
A reality show about a family security business in a small town in Georgia led by the matriarch Joan, a former local cable access tv star whose employees include a trans-gender security guard who is in a bizarre love triangle with her. There are all the elements you need here for captivating viewing of bizarre realities of other lives. So get on it.



"Bojack Horseman"
An animated series in the twisted vein of "Archer," this one is about a horse who was a 90s sitcom star but is now a miserable drunk desperate for a comeback. Hilarious and raunchy and filled with great pull quotes. 



There you have it! Now get binging!





Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Trump and Palin Join Forces to Lead the Apocalyptic End of Times

I'm not sure why this is being called a "Bombsell Endorsement."
You can't say you didn't see this coming.
But, that doesn't make it any less awful.
Sarah Palin is stumpin for Trumpin.



Inexplicably dressed like Dorothy Zbornak, Palin yips about how great Trump is like she is a yorkie on cocaine. She shouts (Why is she shouting? She has a microphone. Bitch needs to chill.) that Donald Trump will "kick ISIS' ASS!" All the while Trump and his constant duck face stands by gleefully gloating that he is finally unleashing this pound puppy on America. Bringing her out is clearly his eleven o'clock number. Those toddlers in tiaras that he had wearing star spangled tutus and singing patriotic songs that sounded like we are now in North Korea-yeah that was clearly just a starting step to the new level of craziness we will be climbing to.
Maybe all this has been a big staged joke. Maybe Lorne Michaels, NBC, and SNL are in on it. I'm just desperate to find my way out of this wonderland we've fallen into. I mean really Trump and these people who are making him lead in the polls can't possibly  think that when it comes to campaigning he is nailing it? Right? Right!
Obviously anyone with a fucking brain is feeling sick and outraged.
Yep, Palin, you do get one thing right in your "speech." I AM "dog-gone angry." I'm angry that while this is all brilliant stuff for parody, this is real life. And I probably have to give my landlords notice that I will be relocating to another country. It's cold here anyway.
Well, America, I guess it was inevitable. All great civilizations come to an end. One day, thousands of years from now, teenagers will be studying the downfall of the U.S., transcribing our emoji hieroglyphics, and discussing how such a powerful nation came to meet its own demise at the hands of two "reality tv stars."


Also when Palin says "kick ISIS'ASS" all I can hear is the Lily Tomlin speech in the movie "Big Business" where she says she is going to "Raise some hell and kick some snooty New York Ass." That's a great movie. It also stars Bette Midler, who in happier news that gives me something worth living for today announced she is going to be in the Broadway revival of "Hello Dolly."

Just go watch this movie right now. It's so fabulous, it will help you forget or at least cope by reminiscing about the simpler time of shoulder pads.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Planet Earth Is Blue and There's Nothing I Can Do: Bye Bye Bowie

When I woke up this morning to the news of David Bowie's death, I felt that deep, painful sadness in the pit of my stomach. Then my mother called to "see how I was doing" with the news and offer a heart to heart about how she felt the day Elvis died and I then I wanted to cry. Today is my day the music died.
David Bowie was an enigma. He was sexy and weird all at once. His unmistakable voice was both soothing and haunting. And his music videos and appearances in movies created looks that were forever burned in your memory. Each one was about him being reborn with yet another androgynous yet arousing and totally unique style.
It is often confessed on the internet that "Labyrinth" was the film of sexual awakening for many in my age group. And it is true. Yes, yes....that bulge in the tights. But David Bowie in his giant blond mullet Goblin King glory really did make me feel things like lust and intrigue for the first time. I was just so glad to find out I wasn't alone on this.
Yes, yes I do Bowie.
But more importantly, that film opened my young eyes and ears to the magic of this strange but beautiful man.
I consumed all of the Bowie of the past and began following the Bowie that was still unfolding. "Under Pressure" has been my anthem for years and I feel no shame in calling it my favorite song. I honestly could listen to it a thousand times on repeat for days and still love it. And even though I hate going to concerts, I saw Bowie on his Reality Tour in 2003. In the front row. I swear he winked at me with his hazel eye. He was a true ageless rock god whose voice and presence was huge-bigger than life, despite his small frame. And most importantly, Bowie made being different so glamorous and cool. He was a true artist who made every detail he presented to us matter.
I don't really know how to properly mourn the loss of a rock god. Especially one who crossed so many generations that it seemed impossible for him to be anything but eternal. Just last week, Bowie released his new album and video for "Lazarus" and upon seeing it, I accepted it as yet another curious Bowie transformation--a weak, frail bandaged man twitching and writhing in pain.
The glamorous haunting intensity all staged for the glory of dramatics with his voice as strong and succulent as ever. But now, that video seems to take on the meaning of Bowie's goodbye, his ominous staged confession that he knew he was dying. It seems cruel to be left with this image as our final look at Bowie. But that was maybe just as he would have it.
A sad, silly part of me keeps hoping that this is just a Bowie fake out. That the title "Lazarus" means he will be back, he will be risen. The next Ziggy Stardust. But that is just as foolish as assuming that Tupac calling himself Makaveli on his last album meant that like Machiavelli suggested he was using a fake death to fool his enemies. (A google rabbit hole of conspiracy theories I once went down after watching a documentary on VH1.)
But reality is that Bowie is gone. The Golden Years are over, though lucky for us, his stardust will always remain.
And perhaps it is ok that I all I want to do is watch Bowie videos all day.