Thursday, February 11, 2016

Valentines Schmalentines: A Gift Guide

It has been brought to my attention that this weekend is Valentine's Day. While I will not be celebrating this holiday as it is against my religion of Singledom which worships the cat deity while drinking blessed box wine, I have taken a moment to assemble the absolute best Valentine's day gifts you could present your sweetheart or just get for yourself.

Name a cockroach at Bronx Zoo after your ex or your current boy toy who gave you an annoying drug store stuffed animal that plays and sways to Elvis. 
Unfortunately, the printed certificate that comes packaged with chocolate is already sold out. But you can still name a cockroach and print your own certificate for only $10!

Your own inflatable man. This is a steal, at only $6.95. Getting this 60inch dude in his snappy fedora and Clark Gable pornstache will leave enough money in your pocket for you to take him out to a nice dinner.

 If you really want to use some magic to make that special person fall under your spell, you can book reservations to have a special Harry Potter Valentine's Dinner at the Warner Brother's lot in London where they filmed the movies. The experience includes Moar drinks, a 3 part meal, a studio tour, and a wand. Though according to the website, unfortunately, you may have to actually be a wizard to get into this sold out experience. They have published the menu online, which looks amazing, so you could try to recreate this at home. And no, putting the movies on in the background and wearing a a snuggie and witch hat probably isn't good enough.

If creating a wizarding world isn't happening in your living room, you can always venture to White Castle of Waffle House which are both accepting reservations for Valentine's Day. Or just give up and head to Dairy Queen for the Single Blizzard Treat.

If politics is what makes your heart pound, why not get these presidential candidate chocolates. A "yuge" box is $44.95. But also, let's hope that life is not like a box of chocolates, because according to an article talking about these in NY Daily News, it is reported Trump is the most popular when it comes to chocolate candidates. No thanks. I wouldn't even eat him.

Star Wars has reached new levels of popularity again and is everywhere. So if you have a droid loving sweetie who you want to woo into your Millenium Falcon for journeys to galaxies far, far away, then screw flowers, because you should be sending one of these spectacular Star Wars Bouquets for $60. I'd totally get excited by this.

Or, if you want to get a little bit more...personal, you could head to Target and get one of these Star Wars pool toys that look like some Darth In-Vader adult fun. Whoops.

You know what is totally not at all creepy. Having a planter portrait sculpted of you and your significant other made. You can turn yourselves into your own chia pet. Together. Forever.

And if you are the type who is into personalizing stuff with your face, you can also do that with your underpants and your condoms

I'm not a hand holder because I'm a not a toddler who needs to be kept safe from running out in traffic, thanks. Plus those hand holder people bragging about their love take up so much space on the sidewalk as I'm in a manic rush to get to where I'm going because I woke up (alone) with time for nothing. But now, if you are one of those hand holders, you can show everyone how truly annoying you and your Shmoopie are by getting this heart mitten

 But, really, sometimes a simple Making a Murderer card just says it all. 

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