Moments like this creepy-as-hell giant baby:
And oh god this:
And what is this creature of the night descending ?
And why giant puppet Cruella DeVille? Just look closely at that poor, terrified child dressed as a puppy stuffed into bed with this monstrosity!
From what I could piece together when I was not too scared to look, England seemed to want to show their great history from the feudal years with sweeping pastorals complete with livestock to the Industrial Revolution where giant chimneys emerged from the ground to the technology revolution with a weird and irrelevant teenage love story involving sexting culminating with the guy who invented the World Wide Web typing that this nightmare was a gift for everyone. What givers those Brits are. They also wanted to to show their contributions to music throughout the years from haunting children's choirs singing folk tunes to the Brit pop invasion. And don't forget their salute to socialized medicine with dancing nurses and doctors from the National Health Service. That could go to Broadway.
There were some wonderful moments. I did enjoy hundreds of floating Mary Poppins. And David Beckham driving the speed boat carrying the Olympic Torch was the perfect sexy touch. He looked like James Bond.
But of course actual James Bond (Daniel Craig) was there. He and the Queen appeared in a comical little pre-filmed segment together and then arrived in a helicopter which they "parachuted" out of making quite the grand entrance.
And entrances is really what this ceremony is about as most of the hours of programming is the Parade of Nations with all the competing countries strutting out. That means it's time to put on those Made in China masterpieces Team USA! It's also time for you at home to sit there and have some wine and realize that you had no idea that there was a country named "Ja Booty"-Djibouti. And then get depressed that you are older than like 90% of the competing athletes and what have you done with your life.....so drink more.....ooooh look at those Brazilians!.......
Then just when you think that thanks to wine and those yummy, strapping athletes you have gotten some of the horrifying images from the pompous circumstance ceremony out of your head, they bring out hundreds of bicycle riders wearing glowing wings-allegedly symbolizing peace doves-but really they look like florescent flying monkey minions from The Wizard of Oz.
They light the torch, there are millions of dollars worth of fireworks, and obviously Paul McCartney is there to bring it on home while everyone sways to "Hey Jude." You know these athletes are partying like rockstars tonight in that Olympic village.
But the important thing is that the Olympics, in a blaze of pyrotechnics, have arrived and the world is about to embark on days of exciting, peaceful athletic competition. And of course we have the closing ceremonies-which are rumored to have a Spice Girls reunion.
I'm off to go sleep perchance to dream of a a giant Voldemort puppet. May have to leave a light on.