Saturday, May 17, 2014

Living Life Like It Is In The Movies

By now I'm sure you have heard about Charity Stevens/Johnson who is a 30 something year old woman who posed as 15 year old to enroll at a high school in Texas as a sophmore.
This is obviously ripped straight from the 90's Drew Barrymore flick "Never Been Kissed."
I was in high school when this movie, with its seemingly ridiculous plot, was released and I remember thinking, "Why the hell would anyone willingly go to high school....especially for a second time?"
Why go back to high school? To get better grades to get college redo too? Be popular? Be the kid who supplies the booze for all the parties? Why?
While the true reasoning behind Charity's stunt is unclear, it is insane that for nearly an entire academic year she managed to pull off this scam. Apparently she had friends, a boyfriend (who was 23 and she told she was 18), did her homework and got good grades, and lived with a "legal guardian" who is, in fact, younger than she is. Craziness. Oh, and she had time, while keeping her ship of lies afloat, to do sparkly manicures for instagram.

The clear correlation between this woman's story and the film "Never Been Kissed" all has me thinking.....what ridiculous movie plots should I steal to imitate to live out the dream of a Rom Com in real life?

While You Were Sleeping
Be obsessed with a guy I see in passing everyday and when an accident puts him in a coma, take advantage of that tragedy to move in as his girlfriend while he can't say no. What could go wrong?

Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
Go to my high school reunion looking like Sarah Palin and proudly tell everyone I invented hashtag. It will be amazing. I will also be sure to include the interpretive dance number.

My Best Friend's Wedding
Go bat shit crazy over my ex-boyfriend/guy I always thought I could marry if I didn't find anyone else getting married to a perfect, perky blond and work non-stop like an evil villain day and night to sabotage the wedding only to end up dancing at that wedding in the ugly bridesmaid dress with my gay friend.
Umm, yikes.....I am sorry to admit that I actually think I have come strangely close to living this one  out already.

 Pretty Woman
Oh obvious choice here. New life plan. Operation Pretty Woman: Become a hooker with a heart of gold who happens upon the most amazing business man. Life will become all boxes of jewels, nights at the opera, days at the country club, and shopping sprees. I understand now. When this movie came out when I was a kid, my mother didn't want me to see it because she was afraid it would glorify and romanticize a life of prostitution. But I think she'd feel differently now. I'm single and not getting any younger and meeting a nice man this way really seems more realistic than finding one on

The Great Muppet Caper

Hear me out on this one......I'll follow Miss Piggy's plan and pose as a rich, famous woman (I'm thinking Beyonce) to meet and impress my man/frog and this will all lead to heroic adventures stopping major crimes, love, antics, and epic bicycle riding in the park.

Weekend at Bernie's
Have a boozy weekend at the beach on the dime of my dead boss who I am pretending isn't dead by keeping them propped up. In modern day this will also include the task of keeping them alive on social media, so instagraming, facebooking, tweting will all have to happen to help keep this illusion going until the beach-going weather ends or that body starts to smell.

Under the Tuscan Sun
Go to Italy and buy a villa. Change the course of life entirely to find more wine, more love, and all in amazing scenery.
Actually, I literally should just pack a bag and do this right now.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

"What Could Go Wrong?" She Said With A Smile.

I have come to the conclusion that the internet is that bitchy friend that tells you how awesome you look and that you should totally go up to that guy at the bar even though she knows you have lipstick on your teeth, toilet paper hanging on you shoes, and that the guy is in fact there with his boyfriend. She sets you up to laugh at your failure. #nailedit

Here I have compiled a group of "suggestions," "crafts," and "easy DIYs" that prove my point that the internet, especially pinterest, is just mocking us.

1. Nails. These look totally easy to do. No problem whatsoever.
2. Hair. Oh, just an easy updo that you can do to yourself before work in the morning.
3. Baking. Do you know how many steps go into making this masterpiece? You'd spend less time driving to another state to buy a cake.
4. Beer Cap Candles. But why? Also, enjoy burning yourself and getting hot wax everywhere making these little buggers that will only burn for about 2 minutes of crafty glory.
5. Chocolate bowls. I question the sanity of anyone who even attempts these.
6. Ok, this one I actually would make.
 7. Tin Can Light. The perfect Sunday afternoon hangover activity involving hammering and patience.
8. Make your own paper. Nothing says unemployment/too much time on your hands like putting your resume on homemade paper. Wow. You made your own lavender infused paper and it only cost you $50 a sheet and a couple of hours of slave labor? Now I feel like such a failure because I went to Staples and bought a 50 pack for seven dollars. Said no one ever.
9. Matchstick Art. Making this would be my own personal version of hell. 
10. Wine Cork chair. Start drinking up. You can rest on this while waiting for your new liver. Really this the holy grail of crafting. Especially if it is placed next to your faux table shelf with your DIY mason jar lamp complete with duct tape shade.

See what I mean? The internet is a mean girl, not only luring us into wasting time with its pretty pictures, it also is luring us into wasting time trying to (poorly) recreate them which will inevitably lead to us feeling like bigger failures at life. Why? 

I need a drink. And then I'm going to cope with this all by covering something in glitter and putting a mustache or a bird on it. Ooh maybe a bird with a mustache..........

Hilary Clinton's Trauma is Unnecessary Drama

Republican strategist Karl Rove suggested that Hilary Clinton suffers from brain damage.

Can't a lady get a break?
Rove referred to Clinton's 2012 fall which caused a concussion which caused a blood clot saying that if she runs for office we need to know what really happened. He said, “Thirty days in the hospital? And when she reappears, she’s wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury? We need to know what’s up with that.”
Glasses for brain injury? Yes, her reps did confirm that she sported some corrective lenses for a while as she continued to recover from the potentially life-threatening clot, but she was not in the hospital for thirty days. It was actually three. Rove needs to do a recount.
This is a pretty low blow and also makes no sense. Clinton is clearly a fully functioning and capable woman.
But bizarrely, Rove, who, on an unrelated note, I feel strongly resembles Mr. Potato Head, is not the only person to speculate conspiracy involving Clinton's 2012 injury because it delayed her testifying on Benghazi. Buzzfeed collected a list of 8 people who thought it was fake while others speculated that she was injured in a plane crash on a secret mission in Iran and then Glen Reynolds of USA Today offered that she fell over drunk.
Sigh. All of this is giving me a traumatic brain ache.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

All the Single Ladies

As a single girl, I know it's hard out there. And even when you get a guy, dating is stressful.
Of course thanks to the internet, you can get all sorts of dating advice, like this amazing 1938 Dating Guide for Single Women. This vintage advice for dating still covers all of the mistakes girls are making in the modern world and shows how to date like a lady with dignity.

"Do your dressing in your boudoir" to "be ready to go" when he arrives. 

In other words, maintain some mystery. Be classy. Don't be the cow who just gives away her milk. Seriously, don't post a pre-date selfie of yourself half dressed in the bathroom to all your social medias.

"Makeup in privacy." 

Yes, let's stop doing our make up on the 2 Train. We've all been there-you're in a rush and running late, but attempting to put on a proper face on the train is as silly as opening a bottle of wine and saying you're having just one glass. Make up done in those conditions will always look like you drank that whole bottle of wine and that attempted a YouTube make up tutorial to look like a My Little Pony.

"Don't sit in awkward positions."
If it isn't sexy when Beyonce does it, you shouldn't even try.

"And if you must chew gum (not advised), do it silently, mouth closed."
Yes. Remember what happened to this obnoxious chewer? I'm pretty sure guys are not turned on by giant blueberries chomping like PacMan.

"Don't talk while dancing, for when a man dances he wants to dance."

Shut your mouth and let him get his groove on. Sometimes words can't express the gentle flirtations exchanged during dancing.

 "If you need a brassiere, wear one."

Perfect. Let's take this as reminder to stop with the side boobs. Stop trying to make glimpses of saggy beaver tail tits a sexy thing. Put on a bra. One that fits.

Also, take note to not tug at your girdle or, as it is known in modern terms, Spanx, in public. Actually NEVER let him see your Spanx for that matter. Especially getting into or out of the Spanx. This is all part of that feminine mystique we should be keeping.

"Don't be familiar with your escort....Any open show of affection is in bad taste."

Ugh, gross couples.

"Don't try to get him to say something he doesn't want to by working on his emotions. Men don't like tears."

Don't be a manipulative bitch or burst into a Real Housewives-eque dramatic fit at the bar. Both of these things are going to lead to you not having a date to take to your cousins wedding.

"Don't be familiar with the headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time."

"Remember when I was here last weekend with that super cute guy and we did all those shots? Well, we went back to his place and he had a swing! Yada yada yada I was tired all week...." Bad idea. Look how sad Kanye looks. Don't make your man sad like Kanye.

"Don't talk about clothes or try to describe your new gown to a man."

Truth. Even if your fairy godmother flew in and made a sparkling dress and some glass Manolas appear out of thin air for you, your man doesn't want to hear about it. Save it for a a chat with your sassy gay best friend.

"Don't drink too much."

Because this:
You look crazy
 You look a mess

 You look like Courtney Love

"The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again."
Wait, let's first look at this scene in the picture. The girl is passed out drunk with legs sprawled while her unhappy date pays the bill.  Meanwhile that head waiter she was so chatty with before is looking far too excited about it all. Maybe he was in on it. She lures men to his restaurant and then orders expensive meals like lobster and lots of liquor to plump up the tab. That little minx.
 But seriously ladies, don't get drunk and pass out. Especially if you met the guy on the he may try to steal your dog.

So this shows that despite the fact that the world we live in now is so different from the world of nearly 100 years ago, humans don't change. Girls will be sloppy girls and not ladies. Doesn't this make you want to talk to your grandmother on a whole different level? Bet she has some stories..... But come on single ladies, get your act together.