Workout Hair? Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

So Lululemon found another way to make me hate them even more, which I didn't think was possible. How do you get more ridiculous than $175 see-through size 00 yoga pants? Well clearly, in a meeting that I imagine took place in a room smelling of nag champa filled with skinny executives sipping coconut water this was discussed.
And hence they came up with ridiculous "running hairstyles."
Seriously, it's a blog tutorial on their site for an insanely complicated braid hairstyle that would take longer for me to do than I could actually spend running. And, if you are like me, attempting braids just results in your arm muscles burning from holding your arms up and behind your head. So does that validate this preposterous style because, in doing it, I'm getting a work out for my clearly feeble arms?

Look at this nonsense. It looks like the rope in gym class I couldn't climb...also due to my feeble arms.

 I don't even make my hair look as good as this to go out on a Saturday night so I'm sure as hell not putting in that kind of time and effort to become a sweaty mess as I jog about my neighborhood. Fancy work out hair? Shut up, Lululemon. 

This is my problem with the ideology behind the company Lululemon. Well, one of the problems anyway. This is a company that pushes the "look" of fitness more than the actual act of fitness. 

Most women running around in Lululemon's clothes aren't running a marathon or just stepping out of a yoga studio. They are wearing these over-priced gym clothes to the grocery store, to work, to a bar.....as a status symbol to non-verbally, but aggressively, declare that they work out even if they haven't set foot in a gym for months. And also to get dudes to check out their butts because, admittedly, there is strange black magic going on where these spandex pants act as a push up bra for asses. Workout clothes outside of working out is like hipsters wearing glasses that don't actually have prescription lenses in them. Well, Clark Kent uses fake glasses to hide his Superman identity so maybe women are thinking wearing yoga pants and gym clothes is like hiding their secret. "Was I at the gym or binging on the couch? You'll never know."

And now the fancy braided updo is in on the ruse.

No thanks. 

Working out means you should be a sweaty, gross, unattractive and tangled mess. It means you are doing it right. Spending time to get glammed up to work out?

"What Could Go Wrong?" She Said With A Smile.

I have come to the conclusion that the internet is that bitchy friend that tells you how awesome you look and that you should totally go up to that guy at the bar even though she knows you have lipstick on your teeth, toilet paper hanging on you shoes, and that the guy is in fact there with his boyfriend. She sets you up to laugh at your failure. #nailedit

Here I have compiled a group of "suggestions," "crafts," and "easy DIYs" that prove my point that the internet, especially pinterest, is just mocking us.

1. Nails. These look totally easy to do. No problem whatsoever.

2. Hair. Oh, just an easy updo that you can do to yourself before work in the morning.

3. Baking. Do you know how many steps go into making this masterpiece? You'd spend less time driving to another state to buy a cake.

4. Beer Cap Candles. But why? Also, enjoy burning yourself and getting hot wax everywhere making these little buggers that will only burn for about 2 minutes of crafty glory.

 

5. Chocolate bowls. I question the sanity of anyone who even attempts these.

 

6. Ok, this one I actually would make.

 7. Tin Can Light. The perfect Sunday afternoon hangover activity involving hammering and patience.

8. Make your own paper. Nothing says unemployment/too much time on your hands like putting your resume on homemade paper. Wow. You made your own lavender infused paper and it only cost you $50 a sheet and a couple of hours of slave labor? Now I feel like such a failure because I went to Staples and bought a 50 pack for seven dollars. Said no one ever.

9. Matchstick Art. Making this would be my own personal version of hell. 

10. Wine Cork chair. Start drinking up. You can rest on this while waiting for your new liver. Really this the holy grail of crafting. Especially if it is placed next to your faux table shelf with your DIY mason jar lamp complete with duct tape shade.

 

 

See what I mean? The internet is a mean girl, not only luring us into wasting time with its pretty pictures, it also is luring us into wasting time trying to (poorly) recreate them which will inevitably lead to us feeling like bigger failures at life. Why? 

I need a drink. And then I'm going to cope with this all by covering something in glitter and putting a mustache or a bird on it. Ooh maybe a bird with a mustache..........

Reach for the Stars

I've had a busy and exciting month. And now I'm craving some downtime, some time to just hang out on the couch and finally watch those shows Breaking Bad and Orange Is The New Black that everyone keeps talking about. That way when I'm out and someone brings them up I don't have to dramatically divert the conversation by bringing up how I'm considering starting to wear Miley Cyrus style nipple adornments or spilling my drink all over them just to avoid having to admit I haven't been watching the shows which are clearly at the hub of world culture right now.
Well, lucky for me and thanks to NASA, there may be a way I can finally catch up on those shows. Success is doing what you love and getting paid for it. NASA announced they are accepting applications for people who they will hire to spend 70 days lounging about and be paid $18,000. It's my dream job! I never thought I'd be qualified for any job at NASA.

Forbes reported that NASA is using these couch potatoes to research how astronauts, specifically those headed to Mars in a few years, will maintain their health while in space. NASA explains that this "bed rest study" will "simulate the effects of long-duration spaceflight by having test subjects lie in beds for the 70 day period. The beds are tilted head-down at a six-degree angle....this tilt which causes body fluids to shift to the upper part of the body, sets off cardiovascular events that are similar to what we see in a space flight.
The big requirement in submitting to this couch potato job is that you can not be a couch potato at the start. They are looking for fit, healthy, active individuals. (I so have this job in the bag!) They are also looking for well adjusted individuals who will pass mental screening tests to make sure that they are "mentally ready to spend 70 days in bed."

Wow. So while I consider filling out the application, I can't help but fantasize about the things I would do with those 70 days. Here's my bed ridden bucket list (also good planning for winter shut in weather /cold and flu season)

1. Watch Breaking Bad and Orange is The New Black-as previously discussed-as well as really investing in all those documentaries I've cued up on Netflix.
2. Learn a whole new language. Being paid $18000 means I can afford that Rosetta Stone and a plane ticket.
3. Read. I used to do a lot of that before distractions like life, Netflix, marathons of TV shows like Law and Order:SVU and Pinterest got in the way.
4. Master the totally wearable everyday make up of Pinterest.

5. Write an awesome screenplay and use the whole $18000 to produce it and then win Oscars for Writing, Directing, and Acting.
6. Is sex allowed?
7. Solve a New York Times crossword puzzle.
8. Prank call people Bart Simpson style.

 9. Get into a catfish relationship on the internet with someone I already know, though they won't suspect it's me. Mwa-ha-ha.
10. Learn to rap-so I can blow minds at karaoke breezing through Macklemore.

So, yeah.....in conclusion. I have to go fill out that application. I have great dreams to fulfill and working for NASA is the key to reaching for the stars.

The Internet Lures Us Into More Kitty Porn

Several years back, I was working at a children's day camp as the dance teacher. During one of my breaks in the day, I had headed into the air conditioned camp office to play on the computer. Obviously I found myself looking at cats. The Camp Director came in and asked me what I was looking at to which I replied "kitty porn." This inevitably led to a momentarily awkward but later comical misunderstanding that I had said "kiddie porn." For a second I was so fired and was getting the same look of rage filled disgust from my boss that Stabler on SVU gives to those porn-obsessed creeps he busts.
Now, I know, I'm not alone in this guilty indulgence, "kitty porn" is probably the second highest use of the internet other than actual porn. I'm sure there's an entirely scientific graph that proves that most people use the internet solely for porn, cats, and facebook. Wikipedia maybe would come in a close fourth.
And the internet knows this-as it is most likely self-aware and out to cause our ruin. It has birthed a new pod from its web of time-wasting entrapment-the site catmoji. Catmoji is like the ultimate time-waster website pinterest, but instead of wasting your time seeing photos of crafts, foods, clothes, ombre hair, and cheezy inspirational quotes sprawled against an instagram photo, it gets right to the point and has solely images of cats. Lots of cats. And they are sorted by emotions like sad, surprised, happy, cute-which is obviously an emotion to our furry friends. It is truly a catalog of kitty porn. While this website also feeds that increasingly annoying "nom nom" and "I haz cheezeburger" quotas, there are enough undeniably cute pictures and video clips of cats to waste your day away. And with each passing hour you creep closer and closer to becoming that unmarried, wiry-haired, housecoat-wearing crazy cat lady.

This little guy got on the wrong end of excitement over the web's newest kitty porn site.