Workout Hair? Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

So Lululemon found another way to make me hate them even more, which I didn't think was possible. How do you get more ridiculous than $175 see-through size 00 yoga pants? Well clearly, in a meeting that I imagine took place in a room smelling of nag champa filled with skinny executives sipping coconut water this was discussed.
And hence they came up with ridiculous "running hairstyles."
Seriously, it's a blog tutorial on their site for an insanely complicated braid hairstyle that would take longer for me to do than I could actually spend running. And, if you are like me, attempting braids just results in your arm muscles burning from holding your arms up and behind your head. So does that validate this preposterous style because, in doing it, I'm getting a work out for my clearly feeble arms?

Look at this nonsense. It looks like the rope in gym class I couldn't climb...also due to my feeble arms.

 I don't even make my hair look as good as this to go out on a Saturday night so I'm sure as hell not putting in that kind of time and effort to become a sweaty mess as I jog about my neighborhood. Fancy work out hair? Shut up, Lululemon. 

This is my problem with the ideology behind the company Lululemon. Well, one of the problems anyway. This is a company that pushes the "look" of fitness more than the actual act of fitness. 

Most women running around in Lululemon's clothes aren't running a marathon or just stepping out of a yoga studio. They are wearing these over-priced gym clothes to the grocery store, to work, to a bar.....as a status symbol to non-verbally, but aggressively, declare that they work out even if they haven't set foot in a gym for months. And also to get dudes to check out their butts because, admittedly, there is strange black magic going on where these spandex pants act as a push up bra for asses. Workout clothes outside of working out is like hipsters wearing glasses that don't actually have prescription lenses in them. Well, Clark Kent uses fake glasses to hide his Superman identity so maybe women are thinking wearing yoga pants and gym clothes is like hiding their secret. "Was I at the gym or binging on the couch? You'll never know."

And now the fancy braided updo is in on the ruse.

No thanks. 

Working out means you should be a sweaty, gross, unattractive and tangled mess. It means you are doing it right. Spending time to get glammed up to work out?

"What Could Go Wrong?" She Said With A Smile.

I have come to the conclusion that the internet is that bitchy friend that tells you how awesome you look and that you should totally go up to that guy at the bar even though she knows you have lipstick on your teeth, toilet paper hanging on you shoes, and that the guy is in fact there with his boyfriend. She sets you up to laugh at your failure. #nailedit

Here I have compiled a group of "suggestions," "crafts," and "easy DIYs" that prove my point that the internet, especially pinterest, is just mocking us.

1. Nails. These look totally easy to do. No problem whatsoever.

2. Hair. Oh, just an easy updo that you can do to yourself before work in the morning.

3. Baking. Do you know how many steps go into making this masterpiece? You'd spend less time driving to another state to buy a cake.

4. Beer Cap Candles. But why? Also, enjoy burning yourself and getting hot wax everywhere making these little buggers that will only burn for about 2 minutes of crafty glory.

 

5. Chocolate bowls. I question the sanity of anyone who even attempts these.

 

6. Ok, this one I actually would make.

 7. Tin Can Light. The perfect Sunday afternoon hangover activity involving hammering and patience.

8. Make your own paper. Nothing says unemployment/too much time on your hands like putting your resume on homemade paper. Wow. You made your own lavender infused paper and it only cost you $50 a sheet and a couple of hours of slave labor? Now I feel like such a failure because I went to Staples and bought a 50 pack for seven dollars. Said no one ever.

9. Matchstick Art. Making this would be my own personal version of hell. 

10. Wine Cork chair. Start drinking up. You can rest on this while waiting for your new liver. Really this the holy grail of crafting. Especially if it is placed next to your faux table shelf with your DIY mason jar lamp complete with duct tape shade.

 

 

See what I mean? The internet is a mean girl, not only luring us into wasting time with its pretty pictures, it also is luring us into wasting time trying to (poorly) recreate them which will inevitably lead to us feeling like bigger failures at life. Why? 

I need a drink. And then I'm going to cope with this all by covering something in glitter and putting a mustache or a bird on it. Ooh maybe a bird with a mustache..........