Thursday, May 14, 2015

The Great Outdoors

Recently I have seen a couple of stories in the news about people surviving lost in the woods.
Last month there were two sisters in Michigan who got stranded in a remote wooded area for two weeks in their SUV and survived on Girl Scout cookies and cheese curls. Two weeks binging on Thin Mints and cheese curls without anyone bothering you? That actually kind of sounds like my ideal vacation. There are some days I'd eagerly pay to go on that retreat.
And then last week, I read about a woman in Arizona who somehow got lost while running a race and survived in the woods by drinking her own breast milk. I have many concerns and questions about this survival scenario- mostly involving the logistics of sucking on your own tit. Too bad she didn't have some of those sisters' cookies to go with her milk.
But the real question is, why are so many people getting lost in the woods? I think I live in the wrong part of the country for something like this to happen to me so I am not too concerned about having to put my survival skills to the test. Though once I did get stuck on an elevator in an old building in Lower Manhattan and I spent the first few minutes frantically trying to decide how best to ration the tin of Altoids I had in my purse.
While I may not live in the part of the country or have hobbies that would lead me towards the wilderness, that doesn't mean the wilderness can't find me. For example, bear encounters seem to be on the rise.

In my home state of Massachusetts earlier this week, police put out a warning stating, “Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised.” They had to be specific because apparently some moron actually did that. But what if the bear was chasing you? Two joggers in Granby, CT last week were chased by two bears. Terrifying.
And you're not even safe in New York. At least five wild coyotes have been spotted and apprehended around Manhattan, including the infamous coyote who just wanted a cold beer on the bar rooftop in Queens.
So it is clear, that even if you aren't in the woods, you really have to be prepared to survive every time you leave your house because "oh baby baby it's a wild world."

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