Flakey Millennials Find No Time for Fruit Loops-And Other Struggles of My Generation

This week, the NY Times reported that "Almost 40 percent of the millennials ... said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it."
So, Millennials, who by all reports, are causing the demise of the modern world, are too lazy to even make themselves a bowl of cereal.

As a Millennial, I would like to respond to this outrageous accusation by saying....that is absolutely freakin' correct. Damn straight I hate doing dishes. I don't have a dishwasher in the apartment which I rent. By the time they were my age, older generations owned houses in shiny suburbs complete with dishwashers so they could afford to lavishly use dishes. But times they are a changing. And I have literally reused the same wine glass for four days to drink both my nightly glass of wine and my morning breakfast orange juice out of. 
And in further response to this study, I have compiled a list of things that I and other lazy Millennials seeking instant gratification do in case they need to do further studies on our apparently fascinating habits. 

-- I order Grub Hub, buy a dinner I shovel into a cardboard box at Whole Foods, or wiggle my way into dinner invitations so I don't have to cook. Or do dishes. Or grocery shop.

-- I order anything and everything I can online so I don't have to go anywhere extra or engage in dreaded small talk conversations with people who work at check outs.

-- I establish levels of cleanliness when it comes to laundry. Jeans can hardly ever be dirty. 

-- I have gone weeks maybe months moving one lightbulb from room to room because I was too lazy/forgetful to actually get more lightbulbs. This rationale has also been applied when it comes to other key necessities. I have showered with dish soap.

-- I prefer to text in emojis so I don't have to use actual words to express myself. A cute little pile of poop picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, words can be so tricky and confusing, whereas you can't really take an emoji the wrong way. 

-- I have committed the act of ghosting where I pulled a Houdini-like disappearance act on someone I was dating so as to not have to deal with the dramatics and feelings conjured up by an actual break-up conversation. 

-- "Dressy" yoga pants? Sexy, tousled bed-head messy hair? You can thank Millennials for these chic looks. Fashion is less of a statement and more about leaving my bed with time for nothing and still getting to where I am going passably on time. And beards being cool for guys does double duty by masking both their laziness to shave and their being too lazy to work out by hiding their chubby cheeks.

-- I look back on the days when Netflix didn't just play the next episode automatically as the evil Dark Ages of having to roll over and use a remote. 

-- Sometimes I just opt to watch a rerun or re-watch a movie I've seen because I'm too lazy to commit to focusing on something new. 

-- I can't remember the last time I wasted my ever dwindling energy looking something up in a book, writing a check, putting a stamp on something and mailing it, or reading a paper newspaper or magazine. Why would I? The internet does all of that. Faster. And I don't have to even put on yoga pants or leave the couch.

-- I actually get quite anxious and angry waiting for anything from email and text responses to waiting on my Uber car. Waiting feels like wasted time. And yet I find no irony in or problem with taking 10 minutes to select a filter for my instagram post or spending 20 minutes googling the perfect gif to respond to a friend's status with. 

-- I may not like, and even resent, my time being wasted from waiting, but I love wasting my own time. See Alanis, that's irony. 

-- Nothing infuriates me more than waiting in line, slow wifi, and cell phone batteries dying. These all seem like unnecessary ways the universe is being cruel. They test my already failing patience to the brink. 

-- Nothing thrills me more than plans canceling. Even if it is with a friend. The wealth of time earned from canceled plans feels like I've won the lazy lottery. 

Yes. It's true. The struggle is real.
*Also, when it comes to making cereal, there is an extra step that I find so makes it worth it. Try pouring some Bailey's in your Cocoa Puffs. It's the true breakfast of champions. 

May the Force Be With You

We live in crazy, amazing times. We have pocket gadgets that immediately give us more information than we ever really need. We can contact people at any time, anywhere. We can control things in our house, like lamps, with these gadgets. This is craziness. And it keeps getting better.
Now that gadget can control you.

This is the Pavlok wrist band. It "turns your resolutions to reality." You program your goals into the linked app on your smart phone and decide what happens if you don't achieve them. You could charge yourself a fine OR you can use the Force and have it give you an electric shock.

While administering shock therapy to yourself seems a bit extreme, I actually think I could use one of these to really get my life on track. We claim jolts are humane and effective when we use the tactic with dogs.

So here's what I'll be setting my Pavlok to shock me for.

1. Laziness

 2. Failure to be an adult who does laundry. Seriously it is not ok to be wearing a bathing suit as underwear.

3. Procrastination in general deserves punishment.

4. As does spending hours on the internet doing anything like the following: Pinterest pinning braids and fancy dinners I'll never make, WebMD researching rashes, stalking my ex-boyfriend from college and any of the girls he's dated since, and looking up toys I had as a child on ebay to see how rich I'd be if I had never taken She-Ra out of her package.

5. Staying up all night to marathon shows on Netflix.

6. Sleeping late from pressing snooze like 4 times until I finally, using the always misleading morning logic, re-set my alarm for a time that makes it impossible to get where I have to be on time unless I really do just show up in pajamas.

7. Binge eating.

8. Binge drinking.

9. Not working out.

10. Making and keeping regular dentist appointments. Because as not awesome as the experience there is, future me really won't want the ramifications of blowing those off.

11. Straying from the shopping list in the grocery store.

So pretty much next year when this torture device is released, everything will change. I will have it so together. I will be on a path like a Jedi. Even if I'm pretty much constantly walking around like this:

May the force be with you.

Vajamas Will Change Everything

I am the Anna Wintour of lounge wear. From snuggies to hoodies to simply wearing the bed comforter, I am up to date on the newest trends in couch fashion and I effortlessly make lounge wear look chic while stretched in elegant repose on the couch.
So, darlings, it is my duty to alert other cushion-istas to the newest in lounge pants-the Vajamas. They are so hot they are selling out their pre-orders! These unisex (despite the seemingly feminine name reference), drawstring (a comfy choice for expansion when couch binging) pants are made of "vagisoft" a synthetic fleece fabric that makes them, as stated on their website, "quite possibly the softest pants on the planet." Well, I'm sold. Even though the term "vagisoft" to me seems better suited for some sort of high absorbency tampon.
But how can one determine an item to be the softest on the planet? Luckily the creators of Vajamas, Betabrand, had researchers who developed this brilliant "Soft-O-Meter" that can detect and compare the density of 'softrons,' the subatomic units of softness.

We've all heard of a sweater as soft as "a baby's bottom," well apparently that's crap. Baby's bottom soft is like a burlap sack filled with sand. And being up the butt of a silkworm? That would feel like being in a tiny twin bed with low thread count sheets covered in crumbs. And if you thought a cotton field in heaven or the warm pouch of a magical kangaroo made of clouds were places you'd like to sit and cuddle while taking in a marathon of Pawn Stars, then think again moron, because you may as well be sitting on a plastic lawn chair in a polyester wet suit with an itchy skin rash if you aren't wearing Vagisoft. So the only thing softer than the fabric of these perfect pants is being in the womb of a marshmallow mermaid. Well obviously tomorrow in yoga when I go to my happy place, it will be into that marshmallow mermaid's womb. But back to these Vagisoft fabric Vajamas. I need them. And as if their reading on the "Soft-O-Meter" wasn't proof enough, check out the marketing images:

This picture says these pants are like cuddling with the fluff of baby chickens. In fact they're probably even softer. I'm not sure, but I think that one chicken looks pissed and it has to be because they realized that their yellow fluff provided by nature is nothing compared to these pants.

These pants are like a cloud. They are truly heavenly fabric of the gods. Look at the divine rays of light surrounding you when you nap away the afternoons of your prime years in them. Gods will not smite you for committing the mortal sin of sloth in these.

Bunnies. You thought they were soft? No. You were a fool. Even the velvety bunny wants to get in these pants.

And what about the highest authority on laziness and cuddling? What does the cat have to say about these Vajamas?

Just look at that cat's face-it says it all. It says "I never thought I'd say this but I wish I could wear those pants so I too could have the feeling of being cuddled at all times." (Or it's gasping for air saying "Sweetheart, get out of these ugly sweatpants and get a boyfriend to cuddle instead of me you pathetic loser." But I'm pretty sure it's the first one and that these sweats are perfect.)
It's all marketing genius with these Vajamas. I'm not even questioning for a second that my $85 dollars could be spent in a better way.