We live in crazy, amazing times. We have pocket gadgets that immediately give us more information than we ever really need. We can contact people at any time, anywhere. We can control things in our house, like lamps, with these gadgets. This is craziness. And it keeps getting better.
Now that gadget can control you.
This is the Pavlok wrist band. It "turns your resolutions to reality." You program your goals into the linked app on your smart phone and decide what happens if you don't achieve them. You could charge yourself a fine OR you can use the Force and have it give you an electric shock.
While administering shock therapy to yourself seems a bit extreme, I actually think I could use one of these to really get my life on track. We claim jolts are humane and effective when we use the tactic with dogs.
So here's what I'll be setting my Pavlok to shock me for.
1. Laziness
2. Failure to be an adult who does laundry. Seriously it is not ok to be wearing a bathing suit as underwear.
3. Procrastination in general deserves punishment.
4. As does spending hours on the internet doing anything like the following: Pinterest pinning braids and fancy dinners I'll never make, WebMD researching rashes, stalking my ex-boyfriend from college and any of the girls he's dated since, and looking up toys I had as a child on ebay to see how rich I'd be if I had never taken She-Ra out of her package.
5. Staying up all night to marathon shows on Netflix.
6. Sleeping late from pressing snooze like 4 times until I finally, using the always misleading morning logic, re-set my alarm for a time that makes it impossible to get where I have to be on time unless I really do just show up in pajamas.
7. Binge eating.
8. Binge drinking.
9. Not working out.
10. Making and keeping regular dentist appointments. Because as not awesome as the experience there is, future me really won't want the ramifications of blowing those off.
11. Straying from the shopping list in the grocery store.
So pretty much next year when this torture device is released, everything will change. I will have it so together. I will be on a path like a Jedi. Even if I'm pretty much constantly walking around like this:
It appears those hours spent playing Angry Birds was less of a happy distraction but more of an instigator for our rage issues.
I am a pretty angry person. There really is no reason for me to be so filled with rage, but I am. I blame humans. And I'm not the only one who is walking around like an old curmudgeon complaining about everything. But when it comes down to it, I express my anger and move on. You can't worry about that which you cannot change. For example, I hate when people walk slowly in front of me. But I can't stop that. It's their right to stroll at a glacial pace in the middle of the sidewalk. The best I can do is take a deep breath, be happy that I have healthy legs to walk on, and then bitch about it a ton later to whoever will listen. See I have a some pretty good zen balancing my rage issues.
My concern with the world, is the people who don't. Remember that kid in kindergarden who would just bite you if you didn't hand over the blocks you were playing with? Well apparently he's still doing that.
Do we all need mandatory yoga? Counseling? Time outs? We definitely don't need angry people wielding weapons.....this week I have seen some headlines that are upsetting examples of rage fits beyond what you can imagine.
Today in Florida a man shot another man in a movie theatre because he was mad that the man was texting during the movie.
It also was in the news that a man stabbed his girlfriend for bringing home pizza instead of the chicken sandwich he wanted for lunch. A totally reasonable reaction.
And last week, a pregnant woman blamed her hormones for her assault of her roommate regarding what was I'm sure, a very sensible dispute over butter.
Now, I realize I've blogged about headlines like these before, but it seems to be escalating and frankly I'm getting afraid to leave the house or be involved in any sort of confrontation. I feel like if I so much as get a parking spot in the Whole Foods parking lot that someone else perceived to be theirs, my life could be in danger.
As if I needed anymore encouragement to be a shut in?
*And while I'm committing to life as a shut in I may as well build this nearly life-size Lego R2-D2. Not only would that be awesome, but I learned that Legos are great for anger management.
I'm geeking out! This amazing new invention lets us unleash our inner Jedis to control our technology. I am finally beginning to feel that we are in that future promised to us by The Jetsons and Back to the Future Part 2!
The MYO from Thalmic Labs is an armband that detects motion and muscle movements to allow control of a Mac, PC, or other device using gestures. And at $149 pre-sale it's a real steal. As stated on their website, the device works "right out of the box" and "can control presentations, video, content, games, browse the web, create music, edit videos, and so much more." So cool! Just watch the video and think how proud Yoda will be of you when you rewind a video with the flick of your hand that says "these aren't the droids you are looking for."
I am so excited by the cool, futuristic technology of this that I almost didn't notice the major problem with it's promotional video. Almost. Did you catch it? Watch it again. It's not what is in the video that is disturbing, it's what is not in the video. What's not in this video is women! There is not one woman or girl using the MYO. They show 8 amazing and practical uses for this technology and it's all men using it. Does it not work for women? Can women not be technology Jedis? At the very sexist least they could have had a woman be the person chopping veggies and using this gadget to rewind the cooking tutorial.
While I'm still fascinated by this device, this is a problem. A video marketing new technology does something like this,
totally omitting anyone who doesn't have a penis, and I see exactly what
I am trying to prove when I constantly feel the need to assert myself
as smart and geeky. This absolutely perpetuates that stereotype that boys will buy tech toys because they are smarter and into science and technology. And girls will buy pretty pink lacy dishtowels-or some other archaic crap-because they are prettier and like pretty things and playing house. Ugh.
Here's the underlying issue.....
I know it's trendy to be a geek right now. (Though I just don't understand the Urkel nerd glasses trend.)
But I am not a geek to be chic. I am a full on technology/gadget loving guru who, thanks to my brother, saw the original Star Wars trilogy enough times we could recreate it verbatim with our hundreds of action figures. I also still love my Super Nintendo, playing along with Jeopardy, and obsessively reading the news from many sites including Science News.
So my problem with this current trend that embraces geekiness is that I think it's created "geek posers"-especially among girls/women.
Ok, I obviously bought the Darth Vader sweater at Forever 21.
These women who are now wearing their over-sized glasses, watching Big Bang Theory, buying sweaters with Darth Vader on them from Forever 21, and talking about how into technology they are because they synced their ipad and their iphone are the equivalent to me of a hipster dude with a moustache-total frauds.
It's not that I don't think it's wonderful that geek culture seems to make it cool to be smart, especially after girls have had a long suffering history of a world telling them it was ok to be pretty and dumb. Remember that talking Barbie in the early 90's that said "math class is tough?" But what's not wonderful about this geek culture is that it isn't encouraging girls to be any smarter, it's just encouraging them to look smarter. Technology is the future, and we need to make sure that it is not a boys club. And ladies, look at the cool technology skills that you could miss out on by not being a real (smart) geek. Now let's use this MYO device to perform Jedi mind control tricks on men.
The White House set up a petition system online called WeThePeople. Because we are a democracy. And of course people are using it to petition for all sorts of things, including a Death Star. And the White House had to make good on it's word that it would respond to any petition that received 25,000 signatures and respond to this request from The Empire which received over 30,000 signatures. These are my people. Maybe many of them also spent a good part of their New Years Eve on their couch watching the marathon of the classic trilogy of Star Wars.
The petition for the Death Star began in November and stated "By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform
and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job
creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration,
and more, and strengthen our national defense."
The White House response, posted Friday, was written by Paul Shawcross who is the Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget. And his response, while declining us of a Death Star, shows that the force is strong in him.
Here it is: “The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong
national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few
reasons:
The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more
than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit,
not expand it.
The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a
fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
However, look carefully (here’s how) and you’ll notice something
already floating in the sky — that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes,
we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space
Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can
live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six
astronauts — American, Russian, and Canadian — living in it right now,
conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long
periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing
onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs —
one wielding a laser — roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever
existed on the Red Planet. Keep in mind, space is no longer just government-only. Private
American companies, through NASA’s Commercial Crew and Cargo Program
Office (C3PO), are ferrying cargo — and soon, crew — to space for NASA,
and are pursuing human missions to the Moon this decade. Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the
Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the
Solar System and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior
layers of the Sun. We are discovering hundreds of new planets in other
star systems and building a much more powerful successor to the Hubble
Space Telescope that will see back to the early days of the universe. We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants
on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber
and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm,
floating droids, and quadruped walkers. We are living in the future! Enjoy it. Or better yet, help build it
by pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or
math-related field. The President has held the first-ever White House
science fairs and Astronomy Night on the South Lawn because he knows
these domains are critical to our country’s future, and to ensuring the
United States continues leading the world in doing big things. If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or
math-related field, the Force will be with us! Remember, the Death
Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is
insignificant next to the power of the Force.
So he shamelessly promotes the space program, reminds us that robots almost as cool as C-3PO exist, and tells us that if we want more that we ourselves should pursue a career with the Force in science and math. (That's right kids-don't skip math class. Math is the future. They've been pushing that angle for years. And who knows-maybe if I had worked harder in science or math class I'd have a job.) But the big take away from this response to me is the part about the President "who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshamallow) cannon." What?!? Our President is a Jedi!
I'm intrigued and thinking of starting a petition to see some evidence of President Obama's light saber battling skills. And I am also wondering what this advanced marshmallow cannon is and what we will be using that for?
So while I'm waiting for signatures for the petition to join Obama's Jedi light saber training, I desperately want these awesome Star Wars kicks from Adidas. Even though they look like something my brother had in the 80's and cost $200. They will clearly be money well spent when I'm outrunning the marshmallow cannon attacks.
Plus, they'd look great with this Star Wars dress by Sugar Plum by Rachel DeCavage I once got to model in an eco-friendly fashion show. Yes that is made out of vintage Star Wars bed sheets. A geeks dream come true.
It having just been the 4th of July, I will say it does make me happy to have all the freedoms that our country allows. Specifically freedom of speech and press. For those freedoms allow the amazingly horrible posts you can find online. Especially on sights like craigslist-where the crazies go to sell their crappy car, buy a used stained mattress, get employed in a massage parlor, rant about a local park's squirrels, and make friends with someone else who also likes dressing as a furry and painting pottery.
Thanks to a friend of mine, this classic craigslist gem "Wanna break my Star Wars Cherry?" came to my attention. The post is from someone who claims to have never seen the Sci-Fi classic and is now ready and willing and looking for a geek sherpa to guide them through the galaxy far far away so they don't have to go Han Solo. "Size matters"--tv screen size that is-so no small screens need apply. And if you are into watching someone's jaw drop at learning the Darth Vader is Luke's father be prepared-you'll undoubtedly loose control of your light saber sitting next to this Star Wars virgin. This will be a "spiritual ephiphany" for you. That's a big claim Star Wars virgin-the first time is just never that good.
Still if you think you might be Boba Fett for this job here's the ad on Best of Craigslist: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/2778342076.html
May the force be with you all in this web galaxy of free speech. And remember-respond carefully to all craigslist postings-there are a lot of weirdos out there. Ok. I'm off to find a date for tomorrow night on Missed Connections.
Help me put it in (the DVD player) Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
