New In Bridesmaiding: Make a Buck and Show Your Butt

I have been a bridesmaid a ridiculous number of times. I have the collection of over-priced dresses taking up precious closet real estate that I will absolutely never wear again. I have several pairs of the special dyed shoes that are unwearable because they bleed their color onto your feet when you wear them.

I have also lost respect for women I know after reading their obnoxious trail of reply all emails about planning and expectations.

I'm at the point now, where I would seriously consider turning down a bridesmaid offer just because I don't think I can take it anymore. But what if I was being paid to do it? That I might be able to handle. After all, I have experience. Probably more qualified to be a bridesmaid than many other jobs.
Well, one brilliant NYC lady came to that exact realization and took out a craigslist ad to be a Bridesmaid for Hire. She logically details why you may need her services ("Your fiancé has an extra groomsmen and you’re looking to even things out so your pictures don’t look funny and there’s not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself.") and what her skills are (including "the Cha Cha and Electric Slides").
I'm kind of jealous I didn't think of starting a bridesmaid business. Despite wanting to retire from the game, I am a great bridesmaid. I have references. I do a really funny toast, I am always willing to travel, and I once saved a life performing CPR on an elderly relative at a wedding! We'll ignore the time that I almost killed one of my best friends on her wedding day in a freak accident with a rogue cork from a champagne bottle I was opening. Maybe I should one up this Bridesmaid for Hire and start my own business. Or I could gather other girls and form a whole Bridesmaids, Inc. agency to place professionals in your party. No longer will you have to rely on your flaky friends to help facilitate your perfect day. I can be your bridesmaid pimp.
But there is one other new trend in Bridesmaiding that I just don't think I am down with and brings me back to being certain I don't ever need to be a maid in fuscia satin again.
This.

 

Bridesmaid butt shots.
Butt why?
To show off?

Yep, nothing helps class up your special day like you and your bridesmaids mooning for the camera. That's going to be a real picture to cherish and frame.
See, I'm all for cute, out of the box photos on your wedding day because I think looking like this is over:

But I think Bridesmaid butt photos are ridiculous. If there is ever a day you should try to have some decorum, it is probably your wedding day.
So maybe I should just let that crafty girl on craigslist take all the bridesmaid jobs she can find and keep my butt covered. I'm sure I can think of other ways to make an extra buck. Maybe I should start designing a cute line of clever underpants for brides and their maids to wear for when they flash the camera. YES! It's my genius idea. It's in print. Don't steal it.

No Ridin' Solo for Star Wars Virgins

It having just been the 4th of July, I will say it does make me happy to have all the freedoms that our country allows. Specifically freedom of speech and press. For those freedoms allow the amazingly horrible posts you can find online. Especially on sights like craigslist-where the crazies go to sell their crappy car, buy a used stained mattress, get employed in a massage parlor, rant about a local park's squirrels, and make friends with someone else who also likes dressing as a furry and painting pottery.
Thanks to a friend of mine, this classic craigslist gem "Wanna break my Star Wars Cherry?" came to my attention. The post is from someone who claims to have never seen the Sci-Fi classic and is now ready and willing and looking for a geek sherpa to guide them through the galaxy far far away so they don't have to go Han Solo. "Size matters"--tv screen size that is-so no small screens need apply. And if you are into watching someone's jaw drop at learning the Darth Vader is Luke's father be prepared-you'll undoubtedly loose control of your light saber sitting next to this Star Wars virgin. This will be a "spiritual ephiphany" for you. That's a big claim Star Wars virgin-the first time is just never that good.
Still if you think you might be Boba Fett for this job here's the ad on Best of Craigslist:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/2778342076.html
May the force be with you all in this web galaxy of free speech. And remember-respond carefully to all craigslist postings-there are a lot of weirdos out there. Ok. I'm off to find a date for tomorrow night on Missed Connections.

Help me put it in (the DVD player) Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.