Thursday, October 4, 2012

Bridezilla Attacks

 I'm always a bridesmaid. And it's almost always horrible. It's expensive, time consuming, and can even lead to the demise of friendships. I mean how can you be expected to ever feel the same about someone after they have forced you to go into debt purchasing a dress that makes you look like Miss Piggy whilst they are behaving like an absolute lunatic whining about invitation fonts. I actually had a whole group of friends stop talking to me when I couldn't attend a wedding because I was performing in a professional play the day of the wedding. And one wedding I was in had a gown with beading on it that, despite its ridiculous designer price, was so poorly made that the beads fell off, and the bride demanded I have the beads hand sewn back on.
I don't know what exactly happens in the brain, but the moment they get that engagement ring sends women who were once sensible and kind into this altered state of reality where the only thing that matters is themselves and creating this perfect wedding no matter what the cost. And the worse is their ridiculous attempts to justify it all. "Oh you'll totally wear this dress again." Yes, the next time I'm at a the 80's. "Just take a couple of days off work to go to Vegas with me. A girl only gets married once." Yeah, sure let me miss work and risk getting fired so we can go to Vegas where you, a grown woman, can wear a boa, sash, and tiara, to flirt with every man and drink cosmos til you puke. That sounds great. Oh, and the whole trip will only cost me a month's salary. Perfect.
Maybe it's the bride-diet that makes them go so crazy-subsiding on Jello to "fit their dress." But whatever the reason, bridezillas are one of modern day society's scariest creatures.
Today, a letter leaked on the wonderful world wide web that is from a bride-to-be to her potential brideslaves. I have included it below. The worst parts are in bold.
To m lovely Bridesmaid: [Names removed to protect those involved]
As you all know I picked 10 wonderful ladies to stand by my side, share and make happen my special day to Jake. Each of you individually have a reason and a special place in my heart of why I picked you to be a bridesmaid. We have set our date for Saturday, August 31, 2013 in Vail, Colorado. That seems far away but it really isn’t, the earlier the planning the better. You may have already knew that my wonderful sister L— will be the Maid of Honor, she’s in charge under me. Also my lovely mom will be a big help as well. L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party, of course all of you guys do but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.
You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I’m going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC’d unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that’s a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.
Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn’t make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you’ll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it’s different if your not in the wedding party and couldn’t make it. We’ll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I’ve never been.
A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don’t want to be surprised. I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don’t care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone. Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don’t have time to deal with that, I’m sorry. This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we’ll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that’s why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.
If your out of state though don’t think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get don’t have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I’m not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya! I don’t have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn’t take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!
Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn’t pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what’s stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don’t think you’ll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I’m sorry but I’ll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest. If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that’s fine. Really think about everything I’ve said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!
This bridezilla is actually demanding of her "friends" who accept this "honor" that they put their whole lives on hold from February until August, respond to her emails and calls immediately and appropriately (don't mess up BCC and CC!), and she is clearly expecting them to spend a small fortune. I'm surprised she didn't include that there would be extensive rehearsals for a choreographed dance routine down the aisle. But most importantly, don't even think about missing one party because this is going to be epic and you don't want to end up just be a guest at the most epic wedding ever.
This horrifying letter shows the tragic reality that if you agree to be in someone's wedding, you are really agreeing to be that bride's prison bitch. Kiss life in civilized society goodbye. You are about to be locked up in her white lace web of insanity and living in fear of having your shoes dyed the wrong color You won't have enough money to buy groceries or pay bills because of all the money you are spending on her special day. And if you mess up, that bride will cut you. How have we gotten to this point as a society?
I guess it's better to always be a bridesmaid than to be a freaking insane bridezilla.

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