Monday, August 11, 2014

Live Like Shark Week

It's Shark Week! The week where sharks make Discovery Channel their bitch and I get seasick on my couch from watching far too many hours of bouncy, underwater footage.
So to live this week to its Shark Week fullest, I am proposing that we get some celebration inspiration from the guests of honor themselves. Make like a shark this week so that everyone around you feels constantly nervous. You'll really get the party started with this behavior.

1. If you see something, eat something. Sharks eat food when they find it, regardless of time or hunger.

2. Sharks never stop moving, so go ahead and constantly pace and move about-preferably in your about to attack zig zag pattern. This will go over great at work and especially well in small spaces like an elevator.

3. Sharks can travel hundreds of miles in a day so use the power of facebook to confuse your prey/friends by checking in at places all around the world regardless of the fact that you are on your couch. In Peru one hour, in Japan the next. That's power.

4. Wear a dorsal fin all week to let people know that when they see you coming, they should fear you.

5. Sharks don't have vocal cords so refuse to speak. Just stare people down with your cold, dark eyes.

6. It is a fact that you are actually more likely to get bit by a person than a shark. Don't be afraid to demonstrate this/prove its veracity.

7. A female shark can on occasion reproduce without any contact from a male. So ladies-tell your man to back off because it's Shark Week and you don't need him and then keep taking lots of pregnancy tests.
8. But ladies look out, shark mating rituals involve the male biting the females.

9. Sharks are the top of the food chain and help keep fish populations under control. So strut like you are the bad ass boss in control. This is how crowds will part on the sidewalk for you. Yeah, that's right. Step aside you peasants.

10. And if watching hours of Discovery Channel and shark movies has taught us anything, the best thing you can do to channel your inner sharkness and make the most of this week, is to just effortlessly not give a shit because you are a shark.

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