Tuesday, September 4, 2012

'Til Death Do Us Part: These Viral Propsoals Kill Me

In other news that makes me feel ok about being single......
A 30 year old man from Omsk, Russia did one of those ridiculously staged, attention-getting, elaborate proposals in which he faked his own death to make his girlfriend "realize how empty her life would be without [him] and how life would have no meaning."
Other than his inflated sense of importance, this man's misguided attempt at romance actually makes me long for that horrible viral smut featuring a bunch of community theatre actors taking time out from performing their budget version of Cats to dance behind a pick up truck to Bruno Mars' "I Think I Wanna Marry You" simply because at least there's no death in that-except for their dignity.
Until now I thought this made for the least romantic proposal possible.
Call me crazy, but I think a proposal does not need to be some self-indulgent and over the top production number. Planning a proposal now seems to take as much preparation and money as a wedding. Maybe even more. They are almost becoming Spielberg movies. And I truly believe the worst part is it is not even about the love, it is all just part of a plot for those fleeting moments of internet fame. And Alexey Bykov, who faked his own death as part of his epic proposal show, is really perfect supporting evidence to my argument.
Bykov hired a movie director, stuntmen, make-up artists, and even a script writer to stage a bogus car crash. He told his girlfriend to meet him at a certain location. When she arrived, there was a scene of chaos with mangled cars and smoke with Bykov laying covered in blood on the road. When she not surprisingly burst into tears at this scene of horror, he took that as the perfect emotional moment to rise from the "dead" and asked her to marry him turning this tale of terror into a fairytale. Very grim.
And despite the fiery car crash, tears, bloodshed, and lies, this girlfriend said yes! I would have grabbed this guy by his bright red overalls (a wardrobe choice which is another big 'what was this guy thinking?' I am grappling with here) and smacked him around until he had some real blood streaming down his face for putting me through such emotional turbulence and for assuming that I needed to be taught this lesson of how miserable life would be without him. 
Basically we need to start protecting ourselves from the viral infection of preposterous proposals because like herpes at a Chinese beauty pageant, it's just spreading and getting worse.

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