Friday, August 17, 2012

eBay Axes Hexes: I Attempt to Stock Up

I have 13 days left to procure all the magic potions I need to stock my spell cabinet before eBay's new policy banning the sale of all things mystical in attempt to look like a less shady online retailer.
eBay will no longer sell spells, magic services, advice, prayers, conjuring services, healings, blessings, cruses/hexes, psychics, potions, or tarot readings.
I wasn't aware that this website had become such a vendor for the occult? I thought it was just where people went to sell troll dolls and beenie babies.
But now that I know that I have a limited time to get my hands on love potions and bid on blessings, I have to investigate.
Here is a myriad of the best in ebay's magical, mystical kingdom that I unearthed.

Magical Demon Destroyer Potion
Listed here by seller cyndarion.
What it is according to the listing:
"This is one of a kind High Magic Potion that takes many hours of intense magical preparation and mastery to finish." 
"Furthermore, this potion has been bless by the Most Holy White Light from our Father God whose Grace has always guide and allow me to do His work in every possible way to help others."
Wait, I'm confused--it's a mystical potion to battle demons, but it is blessed by a Christian god? I thought the church had a heavy stance against such witchery? Wasn't that what the Salem Witch Trials was all about?
Anyway....let's see what it does:
"One intake will accomplish what thousands of hours of meditation may be able to do to destroy demonic forces. Truly this is a powerful potion prepared by a master wizard that can aid you to break with demonic ties from this or previous lifetimes and will go deep at cellular level transmuting at genetic level negative information that may be impacting your being as a whole." 
Oh god! I have to drink this strange brew from eBay? What really is in it? It claims it is mixed from water, flower extracts, and brandy, but that doesn't mean it's safe. It will be like bath salts. I'll drink this and then feel the need to go eat someone's face off. The seller says that upon drinking it you will feel feelings of euphoria and freedom and of "sensations of energy moving and being released." It also warns it may cause nausea as demons are being released. Ummmm....I think I'll pass on this $51.00 buy it now potion.

Oh here's a steal! for only $15 I can completely ruin the life of my enemy or that person in the line in front of me who go the last low fat banana chocolate chip loaf at Starbuck's.
Seller hcbill has listed Extreme Black Magic Revenge Spell
What it is according to the listing:
To be used to "inflict monumental revenge on someone who has done you wrong. To have them suffer tenfold the pain and consequences they have inflicted upon you."
This is serious business. The seller even warns you saying that it will "bring about horrendous times" for whoever you unleash it on so choose wisely and only do this if you really mean it. 
Wow. Intense. So how does it work? Do I have to drink something that will make me feel nauseous/euphoric? Do I make my enemy drink that? Do I sacrifice an animal while chanting? Nope, apparently, all that happens after you buy this is they send you an email with some questions, you reply, and then this sorcerer does their black magic while you innocently wait to hear on the news about how your enemy was tragically hit by a bus. This either sounds like the cheapest hit man for hire or the worst fraud sale. Either way, I'm not missing out on anything but jail time by not purchasing this hex.

If all this heathenism makes you uncomfortable, you can also quickly turn to prayer on eBay before it shuts down sales on that too. There is Constant Prayers by seller irawnr2. For only $0.99 you can choose to send prayers to someone rather than that hex. 
What it is according to the listing:
The seller vows that they are "eagerly standing by to accept your individual prayer requests for you or as a gift for someone you love." And all proceeds go to this person's unspecified missionary work.

Maybe I should steer clear of eBay Magic and Religion. Maybe I should just seek out sound, objective advice. I found seller maxwelltrading's Advice on Anything! and again the price of $0.99 can't be beat
What it is according to the listing:
"Sometimes it helps to have a sounding board to test your ideas against. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to overcome the obstacles life throws at you. Our boy-wonder is standing by to make things just a llittle easier on you by providing world-class advice on any topic."
A Boy Wonder? So Robin will be giving me dating or career advice? 
Boy Wonder gets asked for help.
At least this seller seems self-aware that this kind of thing is a joke. The topics for advice they offer to help with include "shopping," "lawn care," and "rocketship maintenance." 
To get your advice dispensed, you pay your dollar, then you send your pressing question and you get your solicited advice returned by email within one business day.

After my exhaustive search through eBay to find all that is about to be contraband, I have decided that it is no loss to the internet shopper to no longer be able to purchase these bizarre resources on the world's largest online marketplace. Go back to bidding on Garcia Bear. If you do feel the need to free yourself of demons, ruin that frenimies' life, or get sound advice from a boy-wonder, I'm sure there are tons of other shady sites in the vast web to get tangled in.

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