Yoko Blows Up Firework

No. How could someone like this be responsible for breaking up The Beatles?

That's not at all like a siren luring men into despair.
But this cover of Yoko Ono's cover makes it all ok.

Gaze Into My Crystal Ballgina

By now we've all heard about and come to terms with the terrifying concept of "vajazziling"-the practice of decorating your down under in a fashion similar to what you did to your denim coat with the Bedazzler in the 80's. But apparently there's a new way to pretty up your lady bits and of course the magazine Cosmo-which we all know is the bible of womenhood-is enlightening those of us poor clueless chicks thinking we were looking great with our Venus man traps looking more rhinestone-studded than Dolly Pardon. Cosmo reported in an article on their website, "6 Ways to Decorate Your, Um, Vagina," that it is becoming popular for women to get "various implants to enhance their vaginas." What on earth does this mean?! It means "Women are putting stones under the skin to give it more texture," and that "some opt to add crystals for "extra energy."
Stones? Implanted crystals? NO. NO. Please NO.
This is what I should have implanted in my shmegina?

 I don't think that would be very pleasant. For me or any visitors.
Cosmo can't be serious. NYMag.com picked up on this and reported that after extensive research:
"Women are largely not opting for this adornment. There exists an obscure form of extreme body mutilation called genital "beading" or "pearling" ( to which they add— don't Google it) that basically gives the penis a permanent ribbed condom. But that's mostly associated with the Japanese mafia, intravenous drug users, prison populations, and men."
While I am relieved to hear that this isn't a thing, I am super concerned as to why Cosmo is trying to make it a thing. I guess I shouldn't be shocked given some of other bizarre things Cosmo has suggested we do including using an electric toothbrush or iphone as a vibrator or avoiding funny movies because a jiggling belly when laughing makes you feel less sexy.
Ugh. Now in case the mere discussion of Cosmo nonsense made you feel your IQ plummet and that now beautiful crystals are forever sullied, here is a great article filled with fun, science facts about crystals. I think it's a better plan to use your sparkling knowledge to lure men, rather than just sticking a crystal inside you. Though this would be a pretty good pick up line: "Did you know in 1885, a 10 pound "Subway Garnet" was discovered beneath where Macy’s is? Well, if you are lucky you can check and see what sort of crystals you discover underneath me."

I'm Declaring War on the Moustache!

Take this as the proclamation of my intent to carry out a battle-no matter how long and bloody, against the most vile of all cultural offenses-the moustache.
The creepy caterpillar of hair occupying the upper lip makes every dude from hipster to hillbilly look like a predator and/or a porn star.

It even ruins the most handsome of men.

Seriously. A moustache is historically a sign of evil.

But now they are everywhere. And on everything. They are mating with other moustaches and creating a super-breed of moustaches that are impenetrable by razors. 

It's horrible. And when you think that it can't get any worse than a romantic smooch being ruined by that broom brushing against your face, think again. With this moustache mania, apparently it's go big or go home.

 Really? That's like twigs sticking out from your face, dude. You'll poke someone's eye out. And what on earth does that look like coming out of the shower or first thing in the morning. Just think for a moment about the logistics of making out with that stache.........Not disgusted yet? Picture that moustache eating spaghetti. Or soup. Or you.
That no shave November excuse is over. Please just stop this moustache madness.

Alright, Kanye, go ahead and bust in with a "Yo Moustache I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Tom Selleck had the best moustache ever." All the rest of you go get a Bic.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Liar

Bad news for liars-turns out that your nose really does reveal that you are telling tall tales. That's right Mr. Lover you better think twice before telling me that you were "just out with the boys." The "Pinocchio Effect" allows me to follow your nose to the truth. As if using my nose to sniff skank perfume wasn't enough.
Psychology researchers from the University of Granada in Spain used thermography to study the temperature of faces in experiments and found a jump in the temperature around the nose and in the orbital muscle in the inner corner of the eye when people were lying. Which means that while your schnoz won't pop a woodie like Pinocchio's, it will turn red from the increase in temperature. Researchers suspect that this has something to do with lying boosting activity in the insula, a region of the brain involved in consciousness as well as the detection and regulation of body temperature.
Also tied into this study and the use of thermal cameras is a study detailed earlier this year in the International Journal of Electronic Security and Digital Forensics by researchers at the University of Patras in Greece which found that this same process and increase in heat/redness of the face could be used to out the drunkies. I am actually shocked they needed a study to conclude that. Seriously, I'm Irish so obviously I know all about drunk red face.  A couple of glasses, and my cheeks are as crimson as my Cabernet.
So now we know, lying and getting drunk both turn your face red and pick up heat on these thermal cameras? Therefore, if you lie while drunk, a thermal camera couldn't catch your lie. Interesting. Now we just need take that study further to find what causes people to tell perposterous lies while flirting red-faced drunk at a bar. ("I'm single." "I'm a doctor." "You look just like Megan Fox.")
But really, I think the big use for these lie-detecting thermal cameras should be for those prone-to-hyperbole politicians. Just think of Romney at those debates with a thermal camera in his face. Santa could give Rudolf the night off this year and have Romney lead his sleigh.

Can't hide that lying nose Romney-we got you on candid thermal camera.

The Fiscal Cliff Explained

When preparing for my most recent appearance on The Colin McEnroe Show on NPR, this thing called "The Fiscal Cliff" came up as a topic we may want to discuss. I had been hearing this buzz word and was vaguely familiar, but obviously had to delve deeper into research on it so as to not go on NPR and sound like a complete moron. And though I am deeply interested in politics, the world of finance and budget does not interest me. In fact, finances in general elude me. I have trouble keeping track of my own. I guess I just figured you have to have a lot more money than I do before you start to care about it. But thankfully, the only money hungry miser I like, Mr. Montgomery Burns of The Simpsons, stepped up and created this great video to perfectly explain this "Fiscal Cliff" to me and the other confused citizens. Now I get it. And I also love that he is reading "Binders" and "Women."

Proof of Communist Unicorns?

Unicorns are real. North Korea archaeologists have confirmed it. Now, keeping in mind, this is the same country that previously reported that its late leader, Kim Jong Il, was born under a double rainbow and once stopped a blizzard. But just because it is further propaganda of magic from one of the poorest, most repressive countries in the world, that doesn't mean that it's not true. Believing in a little magic can be a good thing.
The Korean Central News Agency reported that "North Korean archaeologists have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong." A rectangular rock with the words "Unicorn Lair" carved on it was found that is believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).
Interesting. I'd like further proof of these unicorns. Could they be brought back with cloning from DNA found in the lair?
So this dispels the theory that unicorns missed the boat when Noah was saving all creatures from the flood. But why did they all end up in a lair in communist North Korea?
I just feel so disillusioned because in the summer I learned the mermaids supported the Republican National Convention, now unicorns are communists. Next they'll be telling me that the fairies are terrorists and gay marriage really did kill the dinosaurs.

Little Liz Lemon

All the world is abuzz today about babies thanks to Kate Middleton being pregnant. And while the offspring of pretty much anyone, famous or not, doesn't tend to excite me, I was excited to find out that Tina Fey's young daughter, Alice, played young Liz Lemon on the recent episode of "30 Rock!"

 

And she was perfect. Snarky, awkward, and hilarious. So pretty much everything you'd expect from having a mom like Tina Fey. With 30 Rock ending this season, maybe Tina Fey is testing out her mini me for some future collaborations/world domination. A 30 Rock prequel with young Liz Lemon? I'd watch it.

Here Comes the Royal Baby

Well Kate Middleton's new floppy bang haircut that makes her look like Jaclyn Smith in Charlie's Angels isn't the only thing that's different for the Duchess of Cambridge-she's pregnant. Really this time! It was in fact confirmed by the Palace. So Prince William has done his royal duty and impregnated his wife who is, I'm sure, expected to bear a male heir.
Kate was admitted to the hospital with morning sickness and her hospital visit forced the family to come forward with the news probably earlier than they'd like, as she is most likely not even 12 weeks preggers.
Now I just have to prepare myself for all the annoying baby talk and for how perfectly stylish this royal baby will be in it's Burberry bib. Baby crazy women everywhere are probably so excited because now that Suri Cruise is school age, they were just waiting to find a new baby trendsetter to obsess over.
Also, I'm sure this news will only encourage my mother to up her level of harassment about finding a good man and producing heirs of my own. But I just don't think it's fair to compare a commoner like me to a pregnant Princess with perfect hair.

Two Brilliant Broads

Hilary Clinton and Meryl Streep-the two women I want to mentor me-were spotted taking this adorable cell phone self portrait at the Kennedy Center Honors Gala in Washington, D.C. I wonder if they are facebook friends. I just want to photobomb them and then have a good laugh about it over drinks as we talk about where my life and the world in general is going.

Grace Seeking Will on Grindr

It's pretty hard to make a connection and start a friendship as an adult. It's not like back in the day of elementary school where you could simply bond over someone's awesome Fraggle Rock Trapper Keeper or even college where you could bond over late night cramming sessions and bad food choices in the Student Union. As a single, young adult, you are relegated to mostly just making friends at work. But for many people with lame office jobs, those cubicle critters may not be your cup of tea for weekend chill outs. So how do you find those friends that will help you live out the dream life that was promised you by great 90's sitcoms like Friends or, even better, find your very own sassy, gay best friend to be like Will & Grace?
Well, apparently, many straight girls are turning to the gay networking app Grindr to find their GBFF (Gay Best Friend Forever.)
If it weren't for the fact that I live with a gay man (who has pointed out that when we watch Will & Grace re-runs it's rather like a pair of hyenas watching The Animal Planet) I would not have even been aware about this app which uses your phone's gps to locate other men within close proximity. It provides you with a picture grid of men showing off their muscular chests and giving their best bedroom eyes. You tap on the picture of what you like and it will display a brief profile for that user, as well as the option to chat, send pictures, and share one's location. Basically it's booty call central for gay men. My roommate is on it constantly trolling the gayboorhood for potential hotties to stalk. I find it all creepy.
But apparently, some fag hag wannabes, who are not as lucky to attract gay men like glitter to a shag carpet as I seem to do, have taken to Grindr to find the Will to their Grace creating posts like this

Wait....Who talks about Tina Turner? This girl does need a gay in her life if she thinks Tina Turner is at all relevant.
But seriously, this misuse of Grindr is just further evidence of where I fear the technology of constant social networking has taken us as a society, and it is actually a sad lonely place where many people are left more desperately craving personal, real interaction. And it also reminds me how lucky I am to have some good gay men in my life. I would feel pretty pathetic having to post on Grindr that I need someone to show me for the 400th time how to do a smokey eye.
Guess we all just need this in our lives:

Lions & Tigers & Bears-Oh My!: Barnyard Brothels and Erotic Zoos

 I'm an animal lover, but by that I mean that I have to quickly change the channel to avoid tears every time one of those ASPCA ads comes on with the sad puppies and kitties in cages. But I'm not the kind of animal lover who goes to an "Erotic Zoo." Yes. Erotic Zoos for "zoophiliacs" exist and are becoming increasingly popular in Germany.
These special zoos allow people to do things--dirty things--to animals like goats and llamas for a fee. But Germany's Agriculture Minister Ilse Aigner is looking to reinstate the bestiality laws that have been off the books since the late 60s which would help protect people, animals, and stop people who are not part of the Erotic Zoos who are attempting to profit from renting their animals to all those zoophiliacs running about Germany looking for the goat of their dreams. That's right, they're finally cracking down on those pimps over there who are making bank off their barnyards of four-legged, furry hos. The zoophile group ZETA isn’t fond of these proposed bestiality laws. “Mere concepts of morality have no business being law,” claims their chairman Michael Kiok. I disagree with him. I think sometimes laws that enforce morals are a good thing. Like laws that tell us not to kill people or steal things. These new anti-bestiality laws would ban the so-called "animal brothels" and also make it illegal to train animals for sex with humans.
I stupidly attempted to google these erotic zoos abroad for further information and to see what was actually going on, but this obviously just led to images and sites that were not ok. I had to clear my cache should anyone else happen to use my computer and that came up. I just wish clearing my memory was as easy.
So to recap what we've learned here, Germany should get those bestiality laws passed, Sarah McLaughlin should stop making those devastatingly sad puppy commercials, and I should not have ever have attempted to google the words "erotic" "zoo" and "brothel." I am going to go cut a habanero pepper and rub it in my eyes.

That Old Man Looks Better in That Outfit Than I Do

I'm not sure what the marketing strategy is here, but a young woman in China who has a trendy clothing boutique called Yuekou, has started using her 72 year-old grandfather as her model in the clothes designed for young women.
The cross-dressing sometimes wig-sporting grandpa, Liu Xianping, claims that this all began one day when he was trying to help his granddaughter by offering her some suggestions on how to mix and match and they began shooting pictures and having fun with it all. He doesn't think this is weird at all. He says "Why [is it] unacceptable for someone like me to wear women’s clothes? Modelling for the store is helping my granddaughter and I have nothing to lose. We were very happy on the day of the shooting. I’m very old and all that I care about is to be happy."
And sales have increased for the boutique since the ads featuring him have started running.
This is absolutely absurd. Now not only do I have to feel ashamed that I don't have the body of a skinny, prepubescent girl, I can also bemoan the fact that I don't even look as good as a grandpa. Great.

Don't Tickle Me Elmo

Another day, another fallen hero. You have undoubtedly stumbled across the documentary "Being Elmo" on Netflix and, if you are like me, you fell in love with Kevin Clash, the man behind Sesame Street's Elmo. Today news broke from Sesame Street that a 23 year old young man has come forward saying that he had a seven-year relationship with Clash, starting at the age of 16. Clash is admitting to the relationship, but he denies that it was of a sexual nature until the boy was of age. And it should be noted, no allegations were made about Elmo's involvement in the relationship. Even though we all know how much that muppet likes to be tickled and touched. Either way, I can't help but feel a bit skeezed out and disappointed as this case of "show me on this muppet where he touched you" unfolds.
The accuser's lawyers are from Andreozzi and Associates, the same firm that represented one of Jerry Sandusky victims. The lawyers have accused Sesame Workshop of trying to "discredit the victim in order to protect its employee and the image of one of its most valuable characters. This approach places a greater value on a puppet than the well being of a young man." Well, Clash has spent all these years with his hand up the tush of a childlike furry monster, it's going to be hard for him to have a lot credibility in fighting these allegations. Kevin Clash (and I assume his red furry alter ego) will be taking a leave of absence from Sesame Street to deal with this. Perhaps opening more screen time for Telly Monster. I always felt like Telly Monster was under appreciated.

Tweets Are No Turkish Delight

Whether you like what your government is doing or not, being an American is an amazing thing because of the many civil liberties we do have and so often take for granted.
For example, the election earlier this week was documented by people throughout the country on Twitter and other social media sights. But those constant tweets throughout the day expressed disdain, disgust, excitement, confusion, love, and hatred. Love it or leave it, twitter is a new way we are recording history. And as Americans, we can say a lot thanks to the First Amendment. Like Ann Coulter calling the president the "r-word" on twitter during the last debate, there is a no holding us back from stating and sharing our opinions. And while I don't agree with the likes of Ann Coulter and others who abuse that right to say horrible things with their micro-blogging, I am proud we have that right. Because many places in the world, Ann Coulter would be in jail-not that I'd be mad about that.
Turkey is an example of one of those places. Today, the mayor of the capital city Ankara, is suing 600 people for trashing him on Twitter because under Turkey's controversial Article 301, those who insult "the Turkish Nation" can serve up to two years in prison. The mayor İbrahim Melih Gökçek said on a TV interview that they are tracking down the authors of the tweets who will find "themselves in front of prosecutors. But if they apologize publicly, then I say they're young and forgive them." Sounds generous enough of him.
But back in June, Gökçek, who has been mayor since 1994, spoke out in support of banning abortion saying “Women kill their babies born out of adultery. Why do babies die because of these so-called mothers? Let mothers kill themselves." Things are starting to make sense. If I was Turkish and tweeted, I would definitely have not too many sweet tweets for this man.

Meth for the Flu Madness

It's that season again. Anyone who has sat wrapped in a snuggie on their couch suffering through the flu knows that there is not much you can do to feel better. You just have to let it all run it's course and hope there is a good marathon of Law and Order on TV and that you know someone who loves you enough to be willing to brave breathing your contaminated air to come bring you some soup.
There you sit and suffer, only days ago a vibrant, healthy being, now a snotty, coughing mess with dripping eyes framed by dark circles and matted unwashed air. When you catch a glimpse in your bathroom mirror you realize in disgust that in this lowly state you look unmistakably like a meth addict.
Well turns out scientists have discovered that looking like train-wreck Lindsay Lohan while having the flu isn't the only connection between meth and the virus. Researchers in Taiwan published a study this week in PLoS One that methamphetamine may possess flu-fighting properties. They exposed human lung cells to varying quantities meth, then infected them with H1N1 viruses, a common subtype of human influenza and after 30 hours, the meth-treated cells possessed significantly lower concentrations of the virus than the control group did. After 48 hours, the difference was even more pronounced. They concluded this had to do with meth's apparent anti-viral effect occuring during the viral replication that takes place after infection.
But before you go all Breaking Bad and search out Walter White, remember that meth has a ton of outrageously negative effects-such as brain damage, psychosis, heart disease, tooth decay, not to mention it won't make you look any better than when you had the flu. In fact, comparatively, you probably look sexier with the flu.
Like that poor girl from America's Next Top Model with a meth addiction that Dr. Phil dragged out:

Obviously, these scientists are trying to search for safer, structurally similar compounds to meth that could be used to fight the flu.
So stay healthy. But, if you do get the flu, resist temptation to get involved with meth. Though that couch time may be perfect to finally catch up on Breaking Bad on Netflix.

How to Stuff It

I've been flying around a lot this year, and we all know that air travel is just not a great situation. First there is the general fear of flying to deal with. For example- yesterday a plane had to make an emergency landing because they lost an engine. Then beyond the risk of death, there is certain risk of discomforts from bad food, cramped seats, smells, crying babies, delays....But one of the worst parts of flying is packing to fly. There are safety regulations to consider with all that bagging of your tiny amounts of liquids because obviously those of us who barely got a C in high school chemistry would be huge threats capable of turning our mouthwash, perfume, and sunscreen into bombs. There's also the worry that you will be charged extra for having too many bags or that your bag is too heavy to get on the plane. Even though I saw that plane carrying a space shuttle so I can't imagine that my over-packing will take down the plane from it being too heavy. And if you do have to check a bag, it's not irrational to spend most of the flight tense that you will arrive at your destination only to find that your luggage is in Jakarta.
Everytime I'm packing, I find myself wishing I was Merlin in Disney's "Sword in the Stone" and could just do this:

But since most of us can't work magic like Merlin, Engineer John Powers has come up with a solution to our problem-Jaktogo's wearable luggage.

Basically it's a coat or that stylish jumper for women made out of a light but strong polyester that has 14 variously-sized pockets which can carry about 30lbs of luggage and then after you board the plane with all your smuggled extra stuff, it can be folded back into a bag. If this incredibly stylish storage bag ensemble is a must have holiday item for you, it can be ordered here for a reasonable $109.99.
Seriously, someone wearing a smuggling coat doesn't look suspicious at all. Going through security x-rays will be a breeze. But if you don't get strip searched and held for questioning as a terrorist, you won't have to pay for that extra bag. 

Barack to Reality

So in case you missed me terribly and were craving your cheeze and whine....I'm back! I was on vacation in Florida.

It was all sunshine and strawberry daquiri's. Kind of nice to power out for a bit during the last few days of what has been a crazy election season and a busy time for me personally. And I thought maybe it would be nice to get some color before the snow came and I just blend in to that. (Not that I wanted to be Mitt-faced orange either.) But Florida is not a great place to be a liberal in election season. Romney ads rule the airwaves as do huge Romney billboards and Republican rants can constantly be overheard poolside. (But I'd like to point out that Romney lost Florida despite all that!)
So my plane landed back here in the cold Tuesday and I rushed off to cast my vote and hope for the best as it was certainly going to be a long election night. But despite some nail biting moments where it was neck and neck, it was all over relatively quickly.
Obama! And his victory speech reminded everyone just why it's easy to love this man and his family and be inspired by the hope he stands for. And maybe it was the weekend in sunshine, but for a moment I'm feeling optimistic.

Sandy hits NYC-Who Ya Gonna Call?

I hope everyone in Sandy's path is safe now. Things got pretty crazy in NYC. And looking at all these images, I can't help but think I've seen this all before. Then I realized- this Halloween Frankenstorm seems to fittingly be eerily reminiscent of the movie Ghostbusters. See below.

This is the Ghostbuster's building exploding after that dick from the EPA who is aptly-named Pecker blows up their ghost containment unit.

This is a ConEd explosion in lower Manhattan yesterday during the storm.

This is the sky as the demons unleash on Manhattan in Ghostbusters.

This is equally foreboding sky last night in Manhattan during the storm.

Here is marshmallow goo gushing through the streets and covering cars in Ghostbusters.

Here is water gushing through the streets and covering cars in the financial district yesterday.

Pretty uncanny. Seriously. I half expect to open up my fridge and find Zuul.

So remember, if there's something strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call?

THESE GUYS!

The Best Response to Ann Coulter's Tweet

Shame on you Ann Coulter.
Normally, I am successfully able to pretend she doesn't exist and all-together avoid hearing her conservative blabbing. But this can't be ignored.
During the debate, Ann Coulter tweeted this (and try to contain your shock that I am going to point out that this is yet another example of that twittersphere causing twouble with a "tragic tweet of hate")

That's right-she just called our President a "retard." Obviously offensive on so many levels and I don't even know how to respond to such a mean-spirited and hateful comment. But John Franklin Stephens, a 30 year old man and Special Olympic athlete with Down syndrom, did.
He wrote an eloquent, heart-felt letter to Ann Coulter that puts this bitch in her place.
He writes via a Special Olympics blog

Dear Ann Coulter,
Come on Ms. Coulter, you aren’t dumb and you aren’t shallow. So why are you continually using a word like the R-word as an insult?
I’m a 30 year old man with Down syndrome who has struggled with the public’s perception that an intellectual disability means that I am dumb and shallow. I am not either of those things, but I do process information more slowly than the rest of you. In fact it has taken me all day to figure out how to respond to your use of the R-word last night.

He then goes on to say

Well, Ms. Coulter, you, and society, need to learn that being compared to people like me should be considered a badge of honor.
No one overcomes more than we do and still loves life so much.
Come join us someday at Special Olympics. See if you can walk away with your heart unchanged.

And he signs it as "A friend you haven't made yet." Amazing.
It's moments like this that I am genuinely reminded how great the human spirit is. We should all work to see the world and love life as John Franklin Stephens does. We should all face adversity and hate with this kind of quiet strength and compassion that he shows through his words. We should all be careful about our words-on twitter and everyday. And Ann Coulter needs to go the corner and think about what she's done until she can use her words properly.

Hot or Not

In case your eyes haven't gotten frozen in an awkward place from all your political eye rolling in the past couple of weeks, UCLA released a study that makes us binders full of women even more objectified.

Their study concluded that women with more stereotypically feminine facial features (aka prettier) were more likely to be be politically conservative (aka Republican.) The study was conducted by surveying undergraduates, having them identify women's political affiliations based on their physical appearance-their literal facial features including shape of jaw line, arch in eye brow, and height of cheekbones.

Alright, several things fundamentally bother me about this study. Why should we even be wondering if Republicans or Democrats are hotter? Or what a Republican looks like? The superficial message this study is telling young women is disgusting. It's not about how you look, it's about what you believe and are passionate about that matter. Young girls and women already feel enough pressure to be pretty, and now this study can lead them to think that political beliefs just fit in as part of the package with the mold of how you look. You shouldn't think that to be considered pretty you are Republican. 

Second, think back to the last election where there were two women representing each party in the limelight. Republican Sarah Palin was getting all sorts of attention for being "hot." Yes, she is an attractive woman, but clearly she was not capable as a world leader. Meanwhile, Democrat Hilary Clinton, a highly educated and intelligent woman, was struggling to get the momentum she needed to get to a national platform, a problem many have often attributed to her "likeability." Beyond her beliefs or personality, was that also regarding her appearance? If this UCLA study is true, we could concur that her look hurt her. The fact that Hilary over the past couple of years has seemed to change-grown her hair out to a more feminine style, began to dress more sharply, all disturbingly imply that we, as a nation, do prefer our political women to be more feminine. Shouldn't Hilary's experience, beliefs, and knowledge be enough? Has she fallen into the trap of competing in a beauty contest as well-becoming a lipstick democrat? But if there are studies like this being done, it's no wonder why that is a pressure for her to feel. It shouldn't matter. A woman in a political position of power should not be the poster hung in a college dorm that boys jerk off to anyway, right? That's just disrespectful. And don't worry, I find it equally offensive when women talk about the "sexy" Paul Ryan muscles. I would have at least struggled less with this study if it had studied men as well. Do we think male Republicans are more attractive? If we are going to go there, let's play a game of marry, boff, kill with Clinton, Obama, and Romney. Come on ladies, that's a no brainer!

In an election where women's issues and choices really matter, this study seems to take us all back to a time where women had no rights but the right to look pretty. Corsets and petticoats have gone the way of horses and bayonets. So too should the idea that what women look like matters, let alone make their political beliefs predictable. Don't judge the book by it's cover. Seriously, just think, 50 Shades of Gray has a quite boring cover.

The Dream of the 90's

I've been thinking a lot lately about the dream of the 90's and why it seems to be considered the Camelot years for people in my age group. Maybe it is because we were young so already the world was less jaded and idealism seemed natural. Maybe it was because the economy was strong and Clinton was playing a sax and eating Big Macs. Maybe it was because it was a pre-9/11 world where there seemed less to fear. But for whatever reason, the 90's are being regarded as a great era. And I've noticed a lot of fashion trends from the 90's coming back-printed denim, platform shoes, plaid. I just wish I hadn't thrown away my sweet blue Doc Martins.


Now, during this rough election season, where idealism seems like it can no longer exist, hop aboard my magic time machine and revisit some of my favorite things of from a simpler time that will fill you with nostalgia, make you feel like the grunge-wearing giddy Clintonista you once were, and also probably make you feel old.

Stop! Hammer Time! Parachute pants for everyone!

Go paint your nails a shimmery pastel with Hard Candy nail polish and then sport the plastic matching ring. This way when you say "Talk to the hand" you look pretty too.

Tune into Bill Nye the Science Guy and forget that he is now at the center of major science and political discussions with his beliefs on evolution and his push to get money for the space program. Just sit back and watch in wonder as he dazzles you simply with quirky science.

Go dial up and check your AOL mail and send some flirty instant messages. Who needs twitter, texting, or facebook?

Before we were all looking for Osama Bin Laden, we were all spending obsessive amounts of time looking for this sassy lady in her red trench coat. And remember that awesome Rockapella theme song? Forget those kids on Glee-these guys rocked.

Make a mix tape! Record your favorites off the radio and spend hours with your dual tape deck creating the perfect mix to listen to in the car or on your Walkman. And of course don't discredit this as the perfect gift for that special someone. I still have all the awesome mixtapes made for me. I just wish I had my Boombox to play them on. Sometimes it's just a listen to Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" kind of day.

This is what used to come to mind as a binder. There was only one woman involved. Lisa Frank. Let's keep it that way.

Tune into TV like you mean it. Because there is no DVR or Netflix. Sure you can pop in a spare VHS and record it, but what are you going to talk about tomorrow if you missed what the gang was up to on Seinfeld. It's Must See TV! And there's no shame in being dateless on a Friday night. Luckily TGIF offered you Urkel and Dinosaurs to keep you laughing and part of a perfect wholesome family while you were alone the couch.

This is what a financial investment looks like. Owning these is as good as a 401K. This could be your education, your first home. Garcia Bear Beenie Baby has street cred. Get it straight. Enron went belly up because of Beenie Babies. Seriously they are what backs the American dollar instead of gold. These had to have been the root of the great economy. If Beenie Babies come back, so will a better economy. Simple.

This is your power couple. Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. The Beckhams are a distant thing of the future. Kim and Kanye's matching outfits of today have nothing on these guys in their cool blue denim and denim looks. Their deep love can't possibly be a one hit wonder. 

You let everyone know you have a cool and classy pad by having this Big Mouth Billy Bass fish on your wall start singing Take Me to The River. It really gets the party started and your guests marvel at the life like technology.

As the President slams down his Big Mac, you feel no guilt wanting Taco Bell because of these amazing ads. Who cares that an obesity problem is looming, super size me! Bloomberg can't stop me.