I'm Declaring War on the Moustache!

Take this as the proclamation of my intent to carry out a battle-no matter how long and bloody, against the most vile of all cultural offenses-the moustache.
The creepy caterpillar of hair occupying the upper lip makes every dude from hipster to hillbilly look like a predator and/or a porn star.

It even ruins the most handsome of men.

Seriously. A moustache is historically a sign of evil.

But now they are everywhere. And on everything. They are mating with other moustaches and creating a super-breed of moustaches that are impenetrable by razors. 

It's horrible. And when you think that it can't get any worse than a romantic smooch being ruined by that broom brushing against your face, think again. With this moustache mania, apparently it's go big or go home.

 Really? That's like twigs sticking out from your face, dude. You'll poke someone's eye out. And what on earth does that look like coming out of the shower or first thing in the morning. Just think for a moment about the logistics of making out with that stache.........Not disgusted yet? Picture that moustache eating spaghetti. Or soup. Or you.
That no shave November excuse is over. Please just stop this moustache madness.

Alright, Kanye, go ahead and bust in with a "Yo Moustache I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Tom Selleck had the best moustache ever." All the rest of you go get a Bic.