Thursday, December 6, 2012

Gaze Into My Crystal Ballgina

By now we've all heard about and come to terms with the terrifying concept of "vajazziling"-the practice of decorating your down under in a fashion similar to what you did to your denim coat with the Bedazzler in the 80's. But apparently there's a new way to pretty up your lady bits and of course the magazine Cosmo-which we all know is the bible of womenhood-is enlightening those of us poor clueless chicks thinking we were looking great with our Venus man traps looking more rhinestone-studded than Dolly Pardon. Cosmo reported in an article on their website, "6 Ways to Decorate Your, Um, Vagina," that it is becoming popular for women to get "various implants to enhance their vaginas." What on earth does this mean?! It means "Women are putting stones under the skin to give it more texture," and that "some opt to add crystals for "extra energy."
Stones? Implanted crystals? NO. NO. Please NO.
This is what I should have implanted in my shmegina?

 I don't think that would be very pleasant. For me or any visitors.
Cosmo can't be serious. picked up on this and reported that after extensive research:
"Women are largely not opting for this adornment. There exists an obscure form of extreme body mutilation called genital "beading" or "pearling" ( to which they add— don't Google it) that basically gives the penis a permanent ribbed condom. But that's mostly associated with the Japanese mafia, intravenous drug users, prison populations, and men."
While I am relieved to hear that this isn't a thing, I am super concerned as to why Cosmo is trying to make it a thing. I guess I shouldn't be shocked given some of other bizarre things Cosmo has suggested we do including using an electric toothbrush or iphone as a vibrator or avoiding funny movies because a jiggling belly when laughing makes you feel less sexy.
Ugh. Now in case the mere discussion of Cosmo nonsense made you feel your IQ plummet and that now beautiful crystals are forever sullied, here is a great article filled with fun, science facts about crystals. I think it's a better plan to use your sparkling knowledge to lure men, rather than just sticking a crystal inside you. Though this would be a pretty good pick up line: "Did you know in 1885, a 10 pound "Subway Garnet" was discovered beneath where Macy’s is? Well, if you are lucky you can check and see what sort of crystals you discover underneath me."

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