Monday, January 27, 2014

Love Lockdown

So, we have such power and resources in this great age of technology. You can read almost everyday about new advances that could change the world. It's so inspiring. I just truly love science. And my bra just burst off!
Ok, no it didn't, but I'm trying to make the point about how idiotic the newest technological achievement is. Yes folks, some scientists (male scientists) in Japan at a company Ravijour have created a bra that not only offers support for your titties but for your moral judgements as well as it only opens for your "true love."

The company explains on their site how this undergarment turns you into a Disney Princess. They say it works by "a built in sensor reads the woman's heart-rate signal and send it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis. The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time. When the True Love Rate exceeds a certain value, the bra is unhooked automatically."
Auto-freakin-matically? What the what? No. Just no.
So this bra, as depicted above in a gif from their amazing marketing campaign, won't come off until my true love is there? (Look at that idiot.) But does this mean that even I can't take it off? Coming home after a long day, one of the first things you do is pull your bra off through a sleeve as you are pouring your glass of wine.
And what does it really matter if it's my true love. Wouldn't it be more effective to also keep my pants on if I was so concerned about giving it up to a not-so-true love? I'm pretty sure keeping my chastity bra on won't protect me from just stealing bases and heading towards home if that's what is happening.
And, let's say you are wearing this high-tech lingerie, when it decides you are in love and opens "automatically," does it have any idea in what context this is happening. Is it during dinner on a great date? Is it holding hands while walking? Chances are you aren't undressed and now have a bra unhooked and flopping under your clothes. Yeah, that won't be awkward. But I guess since it's your true love, he'll understand?
And what if this presumptuous equation to devise your heart rate recognizing your true love has flaws in it. I truly love my cat. Does this mean whenever I lay eyes on her my bra would just burst off?
I don't think this is what we need. I think it's like that absurd dress that was designed last year that goes see-through when you are turned on. I mean I get it, as a woman, I definitely wish men would get a clue, but having clothes that send out such strong signals for us seem like even more trouble. Let's go back to using science for good. Remember, we are only months away from the future promised to me in Back to the Future Part II and I don't have a flying car. I'd absolutely rather have that awesome flying car than a bra that passes moral judgements on me. That's what my mother is for.

1 comment: