Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Yoko Blows Up Firework

No. How could someone like this be responsible for breaking up The Beatles?

That's not at all like a siren luring men into despair.
But this cover of Yoko Ono's cover makes it all ok.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Gaze Into My Crystal Ballgina

By now we've all heard about and come to terms with the terrifying concept of "vajazziling"-the practice of decorating your down under in a fashion similar to what you did to your denim coat with the Bedazzler in the 80's. But apparently there's a new way to pretty up your lady bits and of course the magazine Cosmo-which we all know is the bible of womenhood-is enlightening those of us poor clueless chicks thinking we were looking great with our Venus man traps looking more rhinestone-studded than Dolly Pardon. Cosmo reported in an article on their website, "6 Ways to Decorate Your, Um, Vagina," that it is becoming popular for women to get "various implants to enhance their vaginas." What on earth does this mean?! It means "Women are putting stones under the skin to give it more texture," and that "some opt to add crystals for "extra energy."
Stones? Implanted crystals? NO. NO. Please NO.
This is what I should have implanted in my shmegina?

 I don't think that would be very pleasant. For me or any visitors.
Cosmo can't be serious. NYMag.com picked up on this and reported that after extensive research:
"Women are largely not opting for this adornment. There exists an obscure form of extreme body mutilation called genital "beading" or "pearling" ( to which they add— don't Google it) that basically gives the penis a permanent ribbed condom. But that's mostly associated with the Japanese mafia, intravenous drug users, prison populations, and men."
While I am relieved to hear that this isn't a thing, I am super concerned as to why Cosmo is trying to make it a thing. I guess I shouldn't be shocked given some of other bizarre things Cosmo has suggested we do including using an electric toothbrush or iphone as a vibrator or avoiding funny movies because a jiggling belly when laughing makes you feel less sexy.
Ugh. Now in case the mere discussion of Cosmo nonsense made you feel your IQ plummet and that now beautiful crystals are forever sullied, here is a great article filled with fun, science facts about crystals. I think it's a better plan to use your sparkling knowledge to lure men, rather than just sticking a crystal inside you. Though this would be a pretty good pick up line: "Did you know in 1885, a 10 pound "Subway Garnet" was discovered beneath where Macy’s is? Well, if you are lucky you can check and see what sort of crystals you discover underneath me."

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I'm Declaring War on the Moustache!

Take this as the proclamation of my intent to carry out a battle-no matter how long and bloody, against the most vile of all cultural offenses-the moustache.
The creepy caterpillar of hair occupying the upper lip makes every dude from hipster to hillbilly look like a predator and/or a porn star.

It even ruins the most handsome of men.

Seriously. A moustache is historically a sign of evil.

But now they are everywhere. And on everything. They are mating with other moustaches and creating a super-breed of moustaches that are impenetrable by razors. 

It's horrible. And when you think that it can't get any worse than a romantic smooch being ruined by that broom brushing against your face, think again. With this moustache mania, apparently it's go big or go home.
 Really? That's like twigs sticking out from your face, dude. You'll poke someone's eye out. And what on earth does that look like coming out of the shower or first thing in the morning. Just think for a moment about the logistics of making out with that stache.........Not disgusted yet? Picture that moustache eating spaghetti. Or soup. Or you.
That no shave November excuse is over. Please just stop this moustache madness.
Alright, Kanye, go ahead and bust in with a "Yo Moustache I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Tom Selleck had the best moustache ever." All the rest of you go get a Bic.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Liar

Bad news for liars-turns out that your nose really does reveal that you are telling tall tales. That's right Mr. Lover you better think twice before telling me that you were "just out with the boys." The "Pinocchio Effect" allows me to follow your nose to the truth. As if using my nose to sniff skank perfume wasn't enough.
Psychology researchers from the University of Granada in Spain used thermography to study the temperature of faces in experiments and found a jump in the temperature around the nose and in the orbital muscle in the inner corner of the eye when people were lying. Which means that while your schnoz won't pop a woodie like Pinocchio's, it will turn red from the increase in temperature. Researchers suspect that this has something to do with lying boosting activity in the insula, a region of the brain involved in consciousness as well as the detection and regulation of body temperature.
Also tied into this study and the use of thermal cameras is a study detailed earlier this year in the International Journal of Electronic Security and Digital Forensics by researchers at the University of Patras in Greece which found that this same process and increase in heat/redness of the face could be used to out the drunkies. I am actually shocked they needed a study to conclude that. Seriously, I'm Irish so obviously I know all about drunk red face.  A couple of glasses, and my cheeks are as crimson as my Cabernet.
So now we know, lying and getting drunk both turn your face red and pick up heat on these thermal cameras? Therefore, if you lie while drunk, a thermal camera couldn't catch your lie. Interesting. Now we just need take that study further to find what causes people to tell perposterous lies while flirting red-faced drunk at a bar. ("I'm single." "I'm a doctor." "You look just like Megan Fox.")
But really, I think the big use for these lie-detecting thermal cameras should be for those prone-to-hyperbole politicians. Just think of Romney at those debates with a thermal camera in his face. Santa could give Rudolf the night off this year and have Romney lead his sleigh.
Can't hide that lying nose Romney-we got you on candid thermal camera.

The Fiscal Cliff Explained

When preparing for my most recent appearance on The Colin McEnroe Show on NPR, this thing called "The Fiscal Cliff" came up as a topic we may want to discuss. I had been hearing this buzz word and was vaguely familiar, but obviously had to delve deeper into research on it so as to not go on NPR and sound like a complete moron. And though I am deeply interested in politics, the world of finance and budget does not interest me. In fact, finances in general elude me. I have trouble keeping track of my own. I guess I just figured you have to have a lot more money than I do before you start to care about it. But thankfully, the only money hungry miser I like, Mr. Montgomery Burns of The Simpsons, stepped up and created this great video to perfectly explain this "Fiscal Cliff" to me and the other confused citizens. Now I get it. And I also love that he is reading "Binders" and "Women."

Monday, December 3, 2012

Proof of Communist Unicorns?

Unicorns are real. North Korea archaeologists have confirmed it. Now, keeping in mind, this is the same country that previously reported that its late leader, Kim Jong Il, was born under a double rainbow and once stopped a blizzard. But just because it is further propaganda of magic from one of the poorest, most repressive countries in the world, that doesn't mean that it's not true. Believing in a little magic can be a good thing.
The Korean Central News Agency reported that "North Korean archaeologists have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong." A rectangular rock with the words "Unicorn Lair" carved on it was found that is believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).
Interesting. I'd like further proof of these unicorns. Could they be brought back with cloning from DNA found in the lair?
So this dispels the theory that unicorns missed the boat when Noah was saving all creatures from the flood. But why did they all end up in a lair in communist North Korea?
I just feel so disillusioned because in the summer I learned the mermaids supported the Republican National Convention, now unicorns are communists. Next they'll be telling me that the fairies are terrorists and gay marriage really did kill the dinosaurs.

Little Liz Lemon

All the world is abuzz today about babies thanks to Kate Middleton being pregnant. And while the offspring of pretty much anyone, famous or not, doesn't tend to excite me, I was excited to find out that Tina Fey's young daughter, Alice, played young Liz Lemon on the recent episode of "30 Rock!"
And she was perfect. Snarky, awkward, and hilarious. So pretty much everything you'd expect from having a mom like Tina Fey. With 30 Rock ending this season, maybe Tina Fey is testing out her mini me for some future collaborations/world domination. A 30 Rock prequel with young Liz Lemon? I'd watch it.

Here Comes the Royal Baby

Well Kate Middleton's new floppy bang haircut that makes her look like Jaclyn Smith in Charlie's Angels isn't the only thing that's different for the Duchess of Cambridge-she's pregnant. Really this time! It was in fact confirmed by the Palace. So Prince William has done his royal duty and impregnated his wife who is, I'm sure, expected to bear a male heir.
Kate was admitted to the hospital with morning sickness and her hospital visit forced the family to come forward with the news probably earlier than they'd like, as she is most likely not even 12 weeks preggers.
Now I just have to prepare myself for all the annoying baby talk and for how perfectly stylish this royal baby will be in it's Burberry bib. Baby crazy women everywhere are probably so excited because now that Suri Cruise is school age, they were just waiting to find a new baby trendsetter to obsess over.
Also, I'm sure this news will only encourage my mother to up her level of harassment about finding a good man and producing heirs of my own. But I just don't think it's fair to compare a commoner like me to a pregnant Princess with perfect hair.

Two Brilliant Broads

Hilary Clinton and Meryl Streep-the two women I want to mentor me-were spotted taking this adorable cell phone self portrait at the Kennedy Center Honors Gala in Washington, D.C. I wonder if they are facebook friends. I just want to photobomb them and then have a good laugh about it over drinks as we talk about where my life and the world in general is going.