Live Like Shark Week

It's Shark Week! The week where sharks make Discovery Channel their bitch and I get seasick on my couch from watching far too many hours of bouncy, underwater footage.
So to live this week to its Shark Week fullest, I am proposing that we get some celebration inspiration from the guests of honor themselves. Make like a shark this week so that everyone around you feels constantly nervous. You'll really get the party started with this behavior.

1. If you see something, eat something. Sharks eat food when they find it, regardless of time or hunger.

2. Sharks never stop moving, so go ahead and constantly pace and move about-preferably in your about to attack zig zag pattern. This will go over great at work and especially well in small spaces like an elevator.

3. Sharks can travel hundreds of miles in a day so use the power of facebook to confuse your prey/friends by checking in at places all around the world regardless of the fact that you are on your couch. In Peru one hour, in Japan the next. That's power.

4. Wear a dorsal fin all week to let people know that when they see you coming, they should fear you.

5. Sharks don't have vocal cords so refuse to speak. Just stare people down with your cold, dark eyes.

6. It is a fact that you are actually more likely to get bit by a person than a shark. Don't be afraid to demonstrate this/prove its veracity.

7. A female shark can on occasion reproduce without any contact from a male. So ladies-tell your man to back off because it's Shark Week and you don't need him and then keep taking lots of pregnancy tests.

8. But ladies look out, shark mating rituals involve the male biting the females.

9. Sharks are the top of the food chain and help keep fish populations under control. So strut like you are the bad ass boss in control. This is how crowds will part on the sidewalk for you. Yeah, that's right. Step aside you peasants.

10. And if watching hours of Discovery Channel and shark movies has taught us anything, the best thing you can do to channel your inner sharkness and make the most of this week, is to just effortlessly not give a shit because you are a shark.

In Which I Try to Come To Terms With Summer Expectations

It's that time of year again.
The time of year when annoying back to school ads take over-all the while reminding you that it has been a decade since you needed to purchase back to school supplies. Nights get darker and chillier and you begin to recall with disgust what it feels like to get out of work when it's already dark out. Yet your cheap flip flops are worn out and breaking, leaving you limping in one shoe down a dirty city street. And you actually feel like you just can't eat anymore Mister Softie.
Yes, the end of summer is coming. 
My favorite dive bar has already taken the summer beers off tap.
And as we face the mortality of our summer selves, there is a sense of panic and regret that you haven't lived these hot, sunny days to their fullest. Back in June, when the summer seemed endless and pregnant with possibilities, talk was cheap. But now, those summer bucket lists sit with far too few things checked off. And, if you are anything like the over-thinking and over-dramatic me, you begin to realize this all could be foreshadowing your youth and life in general, and how you may never accomplish anything on your life's bucket list. And then you panic. Then pour yourself a gin and tonic to try to cope. Then realize that maybe if you had spent less time sipping gin and tonics on your porch this summer, you could have gone out and done those things you wanted to do.....and oh god.....

This summer I ran in a 5K, went to the beach, had BBQs, lounged by the pool, got a sunburn, ate seafood in salty air, went to a carnival and ate fried dough, went to concerts, saw fireworks, ate strawberry everything and giant slices of watermelon, toasted s'mores over a fire, watched Sharknado 2.... I mean, really what more could you ask for our of your summer? 
And yet, as happens every summer, I keep feeling that there is so much more I wanted to do. I wanted to have a water gun fight, I wanted to go on a boat so I could hashtag #ImOnaBoat, I wanted to make all those crafts I pinned while enjoying boozey popsicles with fresh fruit in them, I wanted to go on a road trip in a convertible and discover places......
The problem is, summer, like the holiday season, often goes from being what should be a wonderful time to actually being stressful and frustrating because I enter both with these totally unrealistic expectations. And of course, as the turkey burns and the tree falls, and the expectations can't be met, I end up disappointed and cranky.
So my summer (yet again) did not find me doing everything on my bucket list or, say---making out in a waterfall

From the movie "A Walk on The Moon" about the life changing summer of '69

I didn't learn to surf, I went on no epic adventures, and there were no exciting shark sightings the two times I managed to get to the beach-though I did get and wear this amazing bathing suit:

But maybe that is ok. Maybe summer is just about those simple pleasures. Setting goals and having grand expectations is fine, but I'm thinking it's important to remember to just be happy with all the wonderful and simple things I did do. It's summertime after all. The living should be easy.
With that said though, before giving up and putting on a cozy sweatshirt to head inside to hibernate with Netflix, know summer is not over. There are a few weeks to squeeze every drop of juice out of those lemons of summer and make some lemonade. With vodka in it. Drink it all up.

I Still Love Lucy

Probably more than any other person, Lucille Ball is my inspiration. I used to pretty much stay home from school just to watch the reruns of I Love Lucy that aired from 12-1. And if I had to go to school, I made sure to set the VCR to record them. I had dozens of VHS tapes on which I had recorded nearly all of the series and I would watch them again and again and study them.
Lucille Ball was a woman far ahead of her time. Truly the first lady of comedy and a leader for all women in the arts and business. She was the boss and an amazing creative force. Despite being drop dead gorgeous, she was never afraid to get dirty, look horrid, and just be amazingly hilarious. So much of who I am, what I do, and what I want to do is because of this sassy red head.
Today is Lucille Ball's birthday. And the best way to celebrate is to acknowledge why we should still love Lucy.
Here are some wonderful lessons from Lucy:


Maturity and witty comebacks are overrated. Sometimes the best response is

There is no such thing as overreacting.

 Always handle yourself well when you've accidentally had a bit too much.

Don't worry about how you look

Ballet or any kind of working out is hard.

Getting and keeping a job is awful.

But there's always chocolate.

It's ok to not be good in the kitchen.

A HUGE loaf of a bread? I don't really see a problem here.

It's also ok to admit you goofed. Again. And again.

Don't be afraid to take on the boys.

All you need is one true friend.

Because your true friend and you will survive petty fights.

And who else will be there for you when you get your head of poodle perm bangs stuck in an urn.

There's a clever art to playing hard to get

But know that there is someone who loves you.

Despite everything.

Try new things to keep life spicy.

Know the quiet, seductive power of bitch face and side eyes.

Don't be afraid to steal the show.

And most importantly-have fun!

Yes, from watching hours of I Love Lucy and its brilliant leading lady you get lots of laughs, life lessons, and inspirations. Go ahead, indulge in a marathon of it on Amazon Prime. It will make you forget that Orange is the New Black (or whatever the kids are watching nowadays) even exists.
Also, I recently learned that the Lucy Desi Museum in Jamestown, NY does a Lucille Ball Comedy Festival in August every year. The event has everything from Grape Stomping and Candy Wrapping competitions to live performances by comedians, including Jay Leno this year. You can also see shows and eat in the Tropicana Ballroom and take comedy classes at the Lucille Ball Comedy College or Desi Arnaz Congo Drumming Class. Yes to all of this. The festival is this coming weekend and I am currently developing a Lucy-like scheme to road trip there.

So here's to loving Lucy!

*Also in collecting these I Love Lucy images and gifs, I realized you could pretty much pair up these amazing Lucy moments with a matching image or gif from the train wreck Real Housewives. Look at the images above and think about it. It is upsetting and intriguing......I guess it is fitting as Lucy and Ethel were the original Housewives of NYC.

May the Force Be With You

We live in crazy, amazing times. We have pocket gadgets that immediately give us more information than we ever really need. We can contact people at any time, anywhere. We can control things in our house, like lamps, with these gadgets. This is craziness. And it keeps getting better.
Now that gadget can control you.

This is the Pavlok wrist band. It "turns your resolutions to reality." You program your goals into the linked app on your smart phone and decide what happens if you don't achieve them. You could charge yourself a fine OR you can use the Force and have it give you an electric shock.

While administering shock therapy to yourself seems a bit extreme, I actually think I could use one of these to really get my life on track. We claim jolts are humane and effective when we use the tactic with dogs.

So here's what I'll be setting my Pavlok to shock me for.

1. Laziness

 2. Failure to be an adult who does laundry. Seriously it is not ok to be wearing a bathing suit as underwear.

3. Procrastination in general deserves punishment.

4. As does spending hours on the internet doing anything like the following: Pinterest pinning braids and fancy dinners I'll never make, WebMD researching rashes, stalking my ex-boyfriend from college and any of the girls he's dated since, and looking up toys I had as a child on ebay to see how rich I'd be if I had never taken She-Ra out of her package.

5. Staying up all night to marathon shows on Netflix.

6. Sleeping late from pressing snooze like 4 times until I finally, using the always misleading morning logic, re-set my alarm for a time that makes it impossible to get where I have to be on time unless I really do just show up in pajamas.

7. Binge eating.

8. Binge drinking.

9. Not working out.

10. Making and keeping regular dentist appointments. Because as not awesome as the experience there is, future me really won't want the ramifications of blowing those off.

11. Straying from the shopping list in the grocery store.

So pretty much next year when this torture device is released, everything will change. I will have it so together. I will be on a path like a Jedi. Even if I'm pretty much constantly walking around like this:

May the force be with you.

Arachnophobia Pyromania (And Why I Don't Keep Matches Around)

A man in Seattle burned down his house to get rid of a spider. Burned down his house. Totally normal. He didn't overreact at all.

The Huffington Post reported, "The man told firefighters that he saw a spider in his laundry room and decided the best way to take care of it was with a lighter and a can of spray paint." His homemade blow torch set the wall on fire and then the fire spread quickly from there. And as ridiculous as this sounds, this is not the first time a fire has been caused by arachnophobia.
So take this as a warning, if you see a terrifying spider in your house, avoid temptation to want to burn the evil out.
I kind of get it though. Last summer I had a horror movie worthy experience in my apartment when a bat died on my dining room light fixture. The bat had unknowingly been co-habitating with me for an indeterminate amount of time prior to its death. One night I came home and found hundreds of flies all over my ceiling and dining room.

Not an actual picture from my house, but this is so you can get the chilling visual.

At first, I thought maybe it was a summer bug infestation from something like a used wine glass left out, but then realized that a room covered in flies is in no way normal. Upon investigation, I found the rotting, dead bat on the light and commenced the freak out.

At that moment, with the hundreds of flies and a decomposing mammal, I really could understand just burning my place to the ground....but I didn't.
Though, to this day, if I see just one fly, I pretty much began screaming in a manic fit of terror.
And to protect myself from being a Huffington Post headline, I make sure I don't keep matches around.
Try to stay calm people.