Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Can't Take It Anymore

Maybe it's spring fever, but it seems that everyone is flipping out. Amanda Bynes is the poster child for a time of a mass decent into madness-and I'm worried for myself. While the cause and issues behind poor Amanda Bynes downward spiral are, as yet, unknown, the inciting incident for others is a specific, solitary moment-like a cheese craving-where they just snap and it all leads to headlines like these:

"Mother Has Son Arrested for Stealing Her Pop Tarts"
A woman in Charlotte, NC had her 13 year old son arrested for taking her Pop Tarts from her home without asking first.

"Couple Stab Each Other Over American Idol Finale"
Police arrived to find a Pennsylvania couple bloody and arguing on their front porch after they got into a knife fight and begin stabbing each other over a disagreement as to who should have won the American Idol finale. They had allegedly also been drinking all day, presumably pre-gaming for the big television event.

"Woman Bites Husband's Penis Because He Made Her Leave Rodeo"
A woman in California really didn't want to leave the rodeo, and when her husband and ex-husband (who, for some reason, lives with the couple) tried to get her to leave, she lashed out and bit her husband's baby maker. 

And my personal favorite----

"Woman Busted for Trying to Poison Family With Tainted Cheese"
A woman in North Carolina was outraged that one of her family members wouldn't share their tasty night cheese with her, so the next day she woke up early and mixed window cleaner, detergent, and household cleaner into the cheese and then served it to five of her family members for breakfast. They smelled the suspicious stinky cheese and called the cops and she is now facing five counts of attempted 1st degree murder.

Now as crazy as these incidents seem, we've all been there. Don't deny it. You know that "I can't take it anymore!" feeling all too well. Like when you just can't beat the level of Candy Crush you've been working on for days? Or when you get into the shower only to realize everyone else in your house has already been in there and have used all the hot water and left the cap off your shampoo making it a watered down useless mess? Or being in line at Starbucks, the smell of coffee fueling your desperate caffeine craving, babies are crying, and you stand unmoving in the crowded queue watching as your favorite low-fat banana chocolate chip loaves sell out before you get to the front of the line? It's that fleeting moment when you can understand murderous rage. But the only difference between your bad day and the people in these headlines is that you are able to talk yourself down. But what if one day the crazy out-weighs logic and morals and you find yourself flying off the handle over having to leave the rodeo? I guess this is why yoga is important
I have always been a bit hot tempered. As a teenager, my younger brother used to call me Katie Kaboom-the volatile character from the brilliant Animaniacs cartoon due to my ability to come completely and loudly unhinged over almost anything. I have learned a lot about inner peace and developed more coping mechanisms since my hormonal teenage girl days, which should hopefully continue to protect me from becoming a headline the next time I get mad.
Keep calm and carry on and always smell your cheese if you refuse to share.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Get On Board The Love Train

Prague is in the process of developing a "love train" for single people only to ride as part of their metro fleet. Ropid, Prague's public transport company, thinks that the lure of potentially meeting a mate will make riding the train more desirable than taking your own car.
I don't know about this. And if it catches on in Prague, as they think it will by the end of 2013, what if it comes to NYC? I just don't think riding a 2 Train uptown should become a speed dating trap. Mostly I avoid eye contact with everyone on the train so the idea of being submerged underground in a confined space where everyone is looking around judging, flirting, mingling, and trying to get a date sounds absolutely terrifying. Arriving at my stop and still being single shouldn't make me feel like a failure, but it would.
A singles only subway ride just seems so stressful. More so than Virgin America airlines in flight flirting feature. At least that seemed more civilized because drinks were involved and the flirting was done digitally in your seat and hence more discretely.
Why are they trying to make every situation become a singles mixer to remind us that we are alone.
Though, my mom always did tell me that men are like subway trains, another one is always coming.

And this is now stuck in my head.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Abercrombie and Bitch

Earlier this week, Mike Jeffries, the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch went on record saying "A lot of people don't belong in our clothes, and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. That's why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people and we want to market to cool, good-looking people."
Ok. I guess that seems a reasonable belief system given the fact that this is the company that pretty much prints porn on their shopping bags.
But then wait....have you seen what this Hitler of mall fashion Mike Jeffries looks like? You probably are picturing a ruggedly handsome man, his Greek god sculpture looking youth fading into a dignified and tanned silver fox-like Alec Baldwin.
Well, let me turn up the dim Abercrombie store mood-lighting and as all fog from the layers of cologne fade from the air, you can get a good look.
This is ugly and fattie hater Mike Jeffries-

So this dude with his Lisa Rinna drag queen lips and face lift that hurts to look at only wants attractive people to shop in his stores. 
I'd be outraged with this man and his statements if he himself wasn't so tragic. This is a man who clearly has great issues with his own appearance and body and has taken his obsession with youth and beauty to the extreme personally and professionally. 
The bottom line is, he can't control who wears his clothes and who shops in his store. Sure they only make up to a size 10 and the clothes are actually only reasonable to wear if you are in high school, but as the consumers, we are really the ones in power. Girls larger than a size 10 can buy shirts from the men's line, because at this store there's hardly a stylistic difference as exemplified by the fact that my gay male roommate (who in full disclosure works as a "model" at this store) and I have the same pink Abercrombie shorts. Homeless people can be Fitched and wear their sweatshirts to collect cans out of the trash. Computer geeks who still live at home at 32 can wear their t-shirts and drown themselves in the cologne Fierce to have dinner out with their moms. It doesn't matter. Jeffries and his monster-from-the-Goonies looking face can't stop you. 
From the blog Abercrombie Popular.
And when you think about it, Abercrombie saying they are marketing to popular, pretty teens, is no different than Chico's marketing to middle-aged women, or Lane Bryant marketing to plus size, or Anthropologie marketing to Zooey Deschanel, or Forever 21 being called that?

We don't blame or start angry blogging about all these other "specialized" retailers for marketing to their  specific targets, so who cares if Abercrombie wants to market to the cool kids so CEO Mike Jeffries can live out some fantasy Dawson's Creek teenage life that he clearly didn't have.
The real problem with Jeffries belief is that it feeds into the fact that we are living in a fat and ugly shaming culture. 
On top of all this discussion about Abercrombie, a study was released from University of Leeds in England that revealed that young children have picked up on society's stigma against overweight people. The study read 126 children aged 4-7 a picture book about a boy named Alfie who in different versions appeared as normal-weight, overweight, or in a wheelchair. After hearing the story, the children were asked if they would befriend Alfie, and only one in 43 said they would befriend him if he was overweight. I guess the good news is the children had no problem with him being disabled. 
So Fat Alfie can't shop at Abercrombie, and apparently is not someone you want to be friends with either. This study shows us that it is not Abercrombie or Mike Jeffries that we should be worrying about, but rather how we, and consequently children, are perceiving and treating each other. 
And now I'm off to start an angry blog about how those bitches at David's Bridal only want girls getting married to wear their pretty dresses.

A Short Honeymoon

Picture this:
You are a just married blushing bride on the tropical honeymoon of your dreams. After a wonderful day of fun in the sun, you and your new husband curl up in bed.
In the middle of the night, you wake up, cold and alone, and are filled with terror as you realize that your love has disappeared. In a panic with your imagination running wild from all those tales of horror and kidnap in the tropics you heard on 60 Minutes, you call the cops to report him missing. But what the cops tell you is arguably worse. Your husband isn't missing-he's busted.
This nightmare actually happened to a poor young bride this week whose turd of a husband left their honeymoon sweet at their luxury resort to pursue an ad on backpage.com for sex with a prostitute and unfortunately for him, that "hooker" was an undercover cop and he ended up getting arrested as part of the County Sheriff Office's major sting. Yikes. I've heard about honeymoons from hell where bad weather, lost luggage, food poisoning, rashes, run ins with exes, and all sorts of other things get in the way of the anticipated sexy fun, but the groom getting arrested for seeking sex with a prostitute really takes the wedding cake for the worst honeymoon ever. I need a huge cocktail to cope from just thinking about this story.
So.......yeah. Single isn't so bad. I'd rather be single than a bride bailing my cheating groom out of jail.

Monday, May 13, 2013

No Shame in the Flight to Fame

An American Airlines flight from LA to NYC had to take an emergency landing in Kansas City last week because a female passenger on board was relentlessly belting out Whitney Houston songs. This is  an actual news story.
And of course there's a video of the woman, still singing, being led in handcuffs off the plane by air marshals.
Maybe the legendary "I Will Always Love You" had become an ear worm to her and the only way she thought she could make it stop was to get it out, have that worm crawl into someone else's ear. We've all been there. I am ashamed to admit that I recently had Taylor Swift's little diddy "22" slithering through my brain and in a moment of quiet found myself singing it. And then, not only was I sad that I had that song stuck me in my head, but that I am so far past 22. So I ended up eating a pint of ice cream for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon researching wrinkle creams and pricing botox.
Anyway, the point is. How and why did this woman on the American Airlines flight get to the point where she needed to be busting out into the epic ballads of the great songstress Whitney Houston. Maybe she is a stifled aspiring singer who just couldn't resist the chance to perform with a captive audience. Though my guess is she took some medication and a drink (or six) to relax before the flight and had a Kristin Wiig in Bridesmaids kind of flip out.
I've been there too.......
But really, this erratic behavior seems to be happening more frequently in public places and I don't think that drug and alcohol abuse are always to blame for the loss of inhibitions. I think that the desire for fame is. Doing something bizarre or crazy used to end up with you just being fined, being sent to a psych evaluation, and being labeled the local whack-a-doo. Now, you do something like belt Whitney Houston's greatest hits during a six hour flight and you are a legend. You go from being a nobody to coming up in a google search with Whitney Houston and starring in a youtube video with a million hits.
Fame is within our grasps. All we have to do is bust out our inner crazy and make bad choices.
Don't believe me? Ask this golden nugget who just dropped a new single:
So in conclusion. I'm clearly doing it wrong. All those years studying dance and theatre to hone a craft and be accomplished were wasted. I should have just grabbed a bathing cap, a box of Mr. Bubbles, and my rubber ducky and had bath time in the Pulitzer Fountain singing "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair." I'd be an internet sensation with next step Broadway and a star in the Walk of Shame.
How could I have been so stupid?

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Fired Up

What the hell is this?
This is "The Ex," (renamed "Alexa" this week after backlash)  a busty shooting target dummy which will bleed created by Zombie Industries. She debuted at the NRA convention in Houston last weekend.
But don't worry, Roger Davis, the marketing director for the company, said, "The intention of the company was never to discriminate against women or promote violence against women."
Oh good, I feel so much better knowing that they didn't intend to promote violence against women with this life size Barbie target. I'm supposed to believe the implications of vengeful violence against women were an accident. Just like shooting someone with a speciality shotgun round 40+ times would be an accident. Really why not go the distance and manufacture this dummy as a two-fer that actually doubles as a sex doll that you then shoot after using. I'm sure that would be a big hit with the demographic they "accidentally" marketed to with this "Ex"-who apparently comes in customizable hair colors and with accessories like jaunty hats.
I don't want to jump into a gun rights debate here, but to me, this is beyond just gun rights. This is offensive and terrifying. And I would suggest a background check for anyone who would buy "Alexa."