A Short Honeymoon

Picture this:
You are a just married blushing bride on the tropical honeymoon of your dreams. After a wonderful day of fun in the sun, you and your new husband curl up in bed.
In the middle of the night, you wake up, cold and alone, and are filled with terror as you realize that your love has disappeared. In a panic with your imagination running wild from all those tales of horror and kidnap in the tropics you heard on 60 Minutes, you call the cops to report him missing. But what the cops tell you is arguably worse. Your husband isn't missing-he's busted.
This nightmare actually happened to a poor young bride this week whose turd of a husband left their honeymoon sweet at their luxury resort to pursue an ad on backpage.com for sex with a prostitute and unfortunately for him, that "hooker" was an undercover cop and he ended up getting arrested as part of the County Sheriff Office's major sting. Yikes. I've heard about honeymoons from hell where bad weather, lost luggage, food poisoning, rashes, run ins with exes, and all sorts of other things get in the way of the anticipated sexy fun, but the groom getting arrested for seeking sex with a prostitute really takes the wedding cake for the worst honeymoon ever. I need a huge cocktail to cope from just thinking about this story.
So.......yeah. Single isn't so bad. I'd rather be single than a bride bailing my cheating groom out of jail.

Go for the Gold

Hey single ladies and gold diggers-check out this man! He is rich, single, and ready to mingle. From his Ron Swanson moustache to his Mr. T blingin' chains, this could all be yours.
Datta Phuge is 32 year old Indian millionaire who loves gold so much that he had this sweet shirt made of 22 karat gold. And really, class and modesty is the name of the game here. Yep, I'm sure he's not compensating for any shortcomings or using his wealth to lure women in at all with this fashion statement. His shirt took two weeks with workers working 16 hours a day to make, cost $235,000, and weighs 7lbs. Oh, my heart be still.
Alright. There are so many problems here. First, is that this man clearly thinks that women are as simple minded as moths being drawn to light. Just because it's gold and sparkly, I don't feel the irrepressible need to come closer to your body, Datta.
Also, why did he demand this shirt be completed in a two week time with these poor workers creating spun gold like Rumplestiltskin at all hours of the night? He could not have waited like a month to hit the town in this masterpiece of la mode?
And how comfortable can wearing a shirt that ways 7lbs be? It would feel like a suit of armor. And isn't it hot in India? 7lbs would be like wearing three winter coats in a tropical climate. He'd be curry sweating profusely.
Finally, $235,000 is a whole lotta money. There are so many other things he could have done with his money that would have actually set a gold standard and lured me in. Including, but not limited to:
-Donating it to save endangered animals in India including elephants and tigers
-Donating it to children's hospitals in India-which is for the most part poverty striken
Oh, and let's not forget India's issues with violence against women, which have recently been a hot topic following the gang rape of a young female student in New Delhi. Maybe he could be using some of his money to help protect women, rather than further objectifying them by creating ridiculous haut couture that shows he thinks of women as shallow and superficial.
Ugh. So yeah, I'm going to file this silly goose Datta and his short-sleeved button down rotten gold egg he's laid in the category of "I'd rather be single than......"