Sunday, April 27, 2014

Ronald McDonald's New Look

 I love a good makeover. Many a happy afternoon was spent watching What Not To Wear-and consequently fearing that Clinton and Stacy would one day jump out on me in my yoga pants and baggy sweater.
The big makeover talk right now is all about Ronald McDonald's new look. It's big news. Like when Michelle Obama got bangs.
The iconic clown representing the home of the Supersized Big Mac has apparently traded in his prison wear yellow jumpsuit for a more hipster friendly look featuring a bow tie and ankle cropped mustard trousers.
Looking at the before and after, like with any good makeover, you definitely see that Ronald looks like a slimmer clown now. Amazing what some good tailored pants over the hip area will do.
Ronald did get to keep his signature stripes on his shirt, but it is made more subdued with blazer, tastefully embroidered with his own likeness. I do however appreciate the clever M created by the two tone tails of the coat.
Ronald got to keep his big red shoes which I find surprising. While we all know big feet are......exciting, I would have expected this makeover to have put him in some more up to date kicks. Perhaps a pair of red chucks?
I also am surprised they didn't do something with his bouffant of red hair.
I actually would have found it really amazing if they had just gone full out hipster with this. Picture it: hipster glasses, an asymmetrical haircut, a red and white flannel, some skinny yellow jeans. But I'm not sure that look would really be reaching their target market. Though I'm not sure who their target market is with this new look which was in fact designed by Ann Hould-Ward, an accomplished Tony Award winning Broadway costume designer. I'm sure she was thrilled to add this to her resume. Everything seems to go to Broadway nowadays. Maybe this is the overture to a McMusical that is headed our way. I wouldn't hate to see a musical number featuring tap dancing Fry Kids.
McDonald's says that Ronald's new look is because the clown will now be playing a bigger role in the company's social media channels as part of their new campaigns so look forward to a side of instagram with your burger clown McTweets.
I wonder if the rest of the old gang will also be getting a reboot. What has Mayor McCheese been up to?

To Bee High

Oh, what are those crazy kids up to now? It worries me that I am finding more and more I say that quite often. And, every time I do, a new gray hair appears. But kids now a days are just coming up with crazy stuff like "Beezin."
Beezin' is apparently when you take Burt's Bees Lip Balm and smear it on your eyelids to get a tingly high buzz.

This sounds absolutely horrible. Like when you are cutting peppers and then for no good reason touch your eyes. That's not at all a pleasurable high. It's burning fiery hell on your eyeballs. Once I made pizza, obviously involving tasty jalapenos, and later, when I went to take out my contact lenses, the pepper remains on my finger tips sent such suffering through me. It all escalated to a scene of me writhing on the floor and desperately pouring milk on my face to ease the spicy pain. Definitely not a thrilling party experience that I would do for fun.
Who comes up with this stuff? How bored can kids be to come up with something like this? Or is it the competitive thrill seeking world created by social media circuits?
I don't know. But I hear about things like this and realize socially I probably have more in common with an AARP geezer than one of these "beezers." I truly realized this last week when I called the cops on my neighbors for partying too loudly on a Friday night.
Yeah, I may as well just get some orthopedic shoes.

**Blog shout out to my Aunt Ali-one of my blog's biggest fans and not at all an orthopedic shoe wearing geezer-whose couch is where this blog was written from.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Tax Day

Tax Day. My pictorial essay of the experience.

Yep. I've got everything under control.
Nope. Just one more episode of Law and Order: SVU and one Buzzfeed quiz and then I'm going to have lunch.

Yikes. The day has arrived and I can't even find my 1099s. Did I use them as toilet paper?
Acceptance of the idea that you are going to Federal Prison.
It's ok. Maybe I'll write a best seller and get a tv show. Actually this could get my life on track. I'll get to eat meals, work out, meet new people.....
More panic.

Help me.
I have a college degree. Why can't I figure this out? How do I owe so much money? I need to re-evaluate my whole existence. 

Driving hours home to get your Dad to help.
I didn't think I could feel worse.
Finally getting them done.
Bam. Take that IRS.

Followed by the realization that thanks to what you had to pay the government, life as you know it is over, as you are now too poor to go anywhere, see anybody, or do anything.
While I'm home at my parents I should start raiding my room for old toys to put on ebay.
But at least I can post this cool badge on my social media to let everyone know I am #winning.
Seriously? Are they mocking me?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Do You Want Fries With That?

You know the kind of day where you're just like, "stick a fork in me I'm done?" Nothing is going well and everyone around you is like nails on a chalkboard.
I was having one of these days earlier this week. I am tense as it is because I'm waiting to hear back
from a major tv casting I had a call back for last week. And on top of that and all other daily normal stresses, anything that could go wrong was. So it seemed completely reasonable to want to scream when I was in Dunkin Donuts and they got my so-important-for-survival coffee order wrong. But I held it together. Though at Whole Foods, when they were out of the turkey sandwich on cranberry nut bread AND some Lululemon woman was allowing her toddler to whine at the top of its lungs, the ability to control myself seemed more challenging. And as I stood in the dairy section wanting to cry that the cheese I felt would save this day and me from total destruction was ten ridiculous dollars, I found myself thinking that I wanted to grab the egg cartons and just start smashing them in Whole Food's aisles. But I didn't. (Though I wonder how many eggs I could smash before I got escorted out?) Instead of going crazy, I spent the ten dollars on the cheese, in addition to my other grocery purchases totaling a terrifying $95, and headed home, broke and in despair, to eat the hunk of cheese and question all my life choices.
Then I saw online about this woman at a Florida McDonald's and thought how we are all this woman inside, we just haven't reached our boiling point yet. I think I'm close though. To me, she is almost some sort of bizarre hero. I mean, she willingly stripped to her thong in public. I don't even feel brave enough usually to do that in front of the seemingly judgmental gaze of my cat. She has apparent super strength as she destroys the McDonald's pushing registers off the counter and knocking over fridges. And no one dares to stop her! The employees standing there seem to just be gazing in awe. And the employees whose voices you hear on the video are laughing, practically cheering her on like the rock star she is. The best part is, like it is for so many of us, soft serve ice cream is her cryptonite. While on her path of destruction, she goes in for that, putting her face right under the dispenser-living the dream as the stream of soft serve glides out directly into her mouth. This seems to calm her down and she then makes herself a nice cone to enjoy as she finishes her rant. Amazing.

This McFreakOut video also reminds me of the brilliant Julia Louis-Dreyfus in her obvioiusly staged but hilarious cafe freak out last year.
While I actually believe I would never reach this point (at least in public), I get it.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Science is Sexy, So Use a Condom?

Is it me, or has science somehow become really sexy right now?
Think about it, you have probably been out at a bar recently where the conversation has turned from sports to some sort of science-whether it be discussion of new technology, space, environmental issues....And with shows like Cosmos, Big Bang Theory, and Game of Thrones filling our DVRs, it's a great time to be a nerd.
The invasion of science into pop culture is wonderful. And I think a lot of it we have cool science guys like Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson to thank for it.

And then, there's this guy who is jumping on that science bandwagon too.

This boisterous Italian man dressed in his lazy day sweats made a youtube video that of course has gone viral where he enlightens us to a totally useless yet utterly fascinating experiment in which he uses Coke, Nutella, Mentos, and a condom to create a magic bursting orb. Why? Because why not.
Maybe I'm missing something in translation, but I am confused as to what this hypothesis is here and what the conclusion is, but I have come to my own conclusion that if that is what happens to a condom, I will never eat Mentos, Nutella, and Coke together as I would not like to have that happen to my insides.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Flight: A Look Into My Sky High Fears

I have horrible fear of flying. Well, really I have a horrible fear of suddenly not flying. But I love to travel and have to travel as a performer a lot, so I have gotten into the habit of just taking some Valium and hoping I sleep through the crash.
But lately, I have been thinking a lot about how despite the fact that they say flying is the safest way to travel I think it is all a hoax to lure us into that tin can hurdling through the clouds at over 500 miles per hour.
Yes, my investigation into the fear of flying does coincide with the investigation into the still mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. I'd be lying if I didn't say that now I am also afraid of boarding a plane to a mysterious fate worse than death. I couldn't take my eyes off of CNN for weeks, as I obsessively watched their ridiculous coverage, babbling interviews with "experts," and animated graphics all which led me to believe that it is possible that A) aliens have started abducting airplanes, B) there is most likely an Indian Ocean Triangle like the one in Bermuda, C) Black Holes are worse than turbulence to fly through, and D) the show Lost has finally outdone all other TV stunts by creating a real life cross-over that will sweep ratings this summer.
But once I got past all the bizarre speculation, and, like the rest of the world, came to the devastating conclusion that the people aboard this plane most likely met a horribly terrifying demise at the hands of this man made machine or possibly the pilot in charge of it, I became even more consumed with my fear of flying. Just in time to board a plane for Florida.
This called for some additional flight assistance.

And, beyond the fear of crashing and death, I have now become aware of things, thanks to all this coverage about the details of airplanes, that have broadened my fear horizons. Also including, but not limited to, the airline (like the last guy I dated) sending a wimpy text message to deliver bad news. My mother doesn't even know how to text so that would make it all the more tragic.
So thanks to my obsessive googling and CNN watching, as I board, and the flight attendant starts doing her schpeel, this is what I am pretty much hearing.
 "Hello, and welcome aboard JetBlue. We are going to try our best to get you safely to your destination. But we can't control everything. Except when you get to eat your free bag of popcorn chips during this flight.
Here at JetBlue we have the most amount of leg room. So enjoy that your slightly more space in-flight cabin is most likely covered in feces and you are breathing engine air. Oh, and speaking of bad air, if you hear someone coughing and sneezing, be prepared to come down with a nasty cold after you disembark the aircraft.
We offer you complimentary Dunkin Donuts coffee that we brew fresh on board with our water that was sloppily filled from a port right next to the one used to purge the lavatory. Refreshing.
In the "unlikely" event of an emergency.....yeah, why even go into this, how often have you heard of people talking about that fun time they got to use the slide to leave the plane? If the air becomes too stale or for some reason gets sucked out of the cabin entirely, an oxygen mask may drop down for the low charge of $3. It will provide you with just a few more breaths of air before you pass out. (Ok that charge may have been for headsets but I'm in a panic.) And turns out that life jacket under your chair may not even be there in the event you do need it, as punks like to take those as a souvenir. They light up in water you know. Super fun to test in the shower.
Our captain today will be ***** and he will most likely stay awake the whole flight. Even though nearly 50% of pilots admit to falling asleep. You know how hard it is to stay awake sitting at your desk at your job, so you understand. 
So sit back and enjoy your flight with us today."

At this point in a flight, before the plane has even left the ground, I am inconsolable. You are in a steel coffin of recycled, germ-ridden air, in an uncomfortable upright seat about to rocket 30,000 feet into the air. You know that feeling your stomach gets on a roller coaster? That is how I feel the entire flight. Minus the cotton candy fragranced air rushing past you and screams of glee. Instead I sit, my hands, wrapped in my sweatshirt so as to not touch poo, grasping the arm rests while trying desperately to tune out the screams of the ever-present in flight annoying baby and the seemingly too loud sounds of the engine. If my car engine was making that noise I'd be rushing it to a mechanic, are they sure this plane is safe?

And then as we start to take off, the most alarming sound comes, a loud dinging that goes along with the flashing of the exit lights by the aircraft's doors. Why is that happening? Why would I want to exit now? How would I exit? Oh god! This is it! Just look out to the clouds and try to find some zen!
Really, all of my trust and control issues come out. This pilot....who is he and can we trust him? True story, I once was on a four hour flight where the pilot came out of the cock pit to stand and flirt with the flight attendant for over an hour. It was all the strength I had to not jump up and yell "Who is flying the plane? Get back in there sir and at least pretend you are doing something!"

But, despite my in-air breakdown, I land (safely) in Florida. Though the fear of having to do it all again to return home not only haunts me daily throughout my vacation, but also causes me to entertain the thought of taking up residency there. Perhaps landing a job being Daisy Duck......