Drink Up Witches

The bewitching night of All Hallows Eve is almost upon us. And even if you aren't taking the opportunity to dress in some slutty costume and get drunk on Red Rum, you will probably binge on candy. Let's be real, that giant bag of mini Snickers you bought is not for the kiddies in the neighborhood dressed like characters from Frozen. So let it go and lock yourself in, protected from those greedy little goblins, so you can binge on candy in peace.

Now, since binging on Halloween candy is something you've been doing since you were old enough to drag a sac through the streets to collect it, it is time to up your game with your candy consumption and turn it into a classy sounding gourmet event you can tweet about-hence I have tested and prepared for you these Wine and Candy pairings.

This happened.

This was a grueling research process. Last night I ended up eating an entire bag of candy corn by the fist full, guzzling some cheap Vino Verde, and passing out on the couch at 8:30 pm while watching nostalgic Halloween tv specials from the 80s on youtube. When I arose confused out of this sugar induced coma around 3am, my cat was giving me the most judgmental and disappointed look.
But now, with my coffee table covered in wrappers, and a mouth stained deep red with the color of truth, I can share with you my favorites for how you should be binging this Halloween.
(In no particular tasting order)

1. Snickers and Merlot
Snickers is a candy with a lot going on-you have chocolate, peanuts, nougat, caramel....the candy's tag line is it "satisfies you." So, it stands to reason to think of this candy as the steak dinner of candy meals. And hence, a Merlot, with its fruit and black pepper tones, make a perfectly satisfying match.

2. Candy Corn and Vino Verde
Vino Verde is often described as a "cheap and fun" wine, with it's natural, sparkly taste. And, like the grown women who choose to dress as a slutty cat, candy corn is the cheap and fun option for a classic Halloween. Perfect. The bit of carbonated feel combined with the tart from the citrus undertones in Vino Verde is a good offset to the pure sugar of these little buggers.

3. Reeses and Cabernet Sauvignon
Combining a Cab with the saltiness of the chocolate covered peanut butter just nails it. Honestly, this could and should go on Web MD as a PMS cure. Maybe it is the full body nature of the dark fruit characteristics of this wine. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but that sounded like savvy wine talk.

4. Twix and Port
I don't love Port. I do however love Twix. That crunch of the cookie covered in caramel....it's the stuff fantasies are made of. And perhaps it is the presence of that cookie in this candy bar, but a good dessert wine really hit the spot with this one.
Also, why do fun size Twix bars only have one in the package? Isn't that the whole amazing point of Twix? You got TWO candy bars for the price of one? Why skimp out when it comes to fun, Twix? Why?!

 5. Butterfinger and Chardonnay
A buttery Chardonnay and a Butterfinger is a no brainer combo and they go better together than pumpkin spice and a latte.

5. Pop Rocks and Champagne
 This is a party. No Halloween party to go to? That's fine, just crank up Monster Mash and pour those pop rocks in your mouth and then take a swig of Champagne. Do it. And ignore being creeped out by that urban legend you always heard about Pop Rocks and the carbonation from soda killing you. We are big kids now and know better. Enjoy the party.

There you have it, my definitive Halloween candy and wine pairings for your Halloween shut in festivities. Drink up witches!

*Also, speaking of Fun Size, go ahead and check out the movie Fun Size on Netflix. It has Chelsea Handler in it and is a fun teen romp similar to the movie Superbad that will make you remember back to when Halloween meant something.*

Now go ahead and enjoy. If you dare. But, take warning, from experience, that while eating all this candy and drinking wine, you may initially feel like this:

Be careful, for the end of your night could be quite a fright.