Thursday, January 22, 2015

Gone Girl

One time I met a guy online. This story ends with my brother (who was my roommate at the time) and I hiding on the floor of our apartment to pretend to not be home while that creep rang the door bell looking for me.

I know that according to all these happy people who find love from the internet that my story is allegedly the unlikely exception. But I have trouble believing that. I think it is a more unlikely exception for an online encounter to lead to a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks "You've Got Mail" happy ending.
And in defense of my suspicions, it was reported today that a young woman in England Tupac-ed herself, aka faked her own death to, get rid of a guy she met online.

She told the British paper The Mirror that after a couple dates, she tried to break it off, but he was either too obtuse or crazy to understand that, so he was continuing to message her things like, “I think we need to have a date tonight! I will be around your house in 30 minutes.” (NOOOO!) And since she probably got sick of laying on her floor with the lights off hiding from him, she decided to take the next logical step in dealing with unwanted attention-tell them you are dead.
Well, first she said she was sick. She didn't want to rush death unless it was absolutely necessary. But when this kindly and persistent prince wanted to rush to her bed side, most likely to see if his kiss could heal her, she had no choice but to kill herself off.
Here's how quickly the saga played out:

As you can see, after the text where he learned she was dead, "Bad Date," who was waiting desperately outside the hospital, was so distraught at the thought of not getting to sleep with her, turn her into a skin lamp in his apartment, or whatever his plans were, that he couldn't even muster up the words "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Maybe he suspected he was being lied to. But either way, lying about your death is probably a bad idea. And an even worse idea is to return to the dating sight where you met the person you lied to. Which is what happened with this young woman. And, predictably, she encountered "Bad Date" on there and he called her out on being alive in a "horrid message." I don't really have sympathy for her on that part.
So....yes. I will continue to avoid online dating because I'm just too busy to properly fake my own death right now.

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