Sunday, January 25, 2015

Miss Universe's United Nations of Fashion

It's Sunday night, I'm bracing for Snowpocolypse 2015, and a half of bottle into wine when I stumble upon the Miss Universe Pageant on TV.
Beauty pageants that don't have Honey Boo and tantrums where flippers fall out are as uninteresting to me as sports game matches. But one minute into Donald Trump's Miss Universe and it became clear that this international hooker parade offered something of Olympic proportion with their cultural costumes. Game on, bitches.
Obviously these ladies all robed themselves in gowns featuring subtle, classy nuances that express what makes their homeland unique. Canada really nailed it, eh?
Scoreboard is the new scrunchie.
Canada wasn't alone in the use of an over the top fascinator to set that party mood. Some other favorites included:

Aruba's hooters
Peru's belt buckle (and angry bird cape)
And Indonesia's Maleficent
Good thing her invitation didn't get lost in the mail. I'd hate to think of the wrath she'd have on these other beauties.
It becomes clear it is go big or go home. I guess these girls have to do what they can to stand out and let you know where they are from because literally many of these beautiful girls look identical whether they are Indian or Dutch-I honestly can't tell. They are all tan with big pinterest hair and highlights. (Except Miss Jamaica and her daring pixie cut.)
But really, this night was more about feathers than anything. I imagine backstage to have looked like a chicken coup massacre. You had some real fowl play here with:

Jamaica's gay pride turkey
Nicaragua dressed as Disney World's Tiki Tiki Room
Belgium's no-armed spikey winged beach bird

And of course the good ol' USofA really showed how to fly like a patriotic eagle.
And this kind of bustle showgirl look went on and on with lots of feathers for everyone. I guess since Victoria's Secret has sexy angels, this pageant had to be different and use feathers for sexy birds.

But beyond the feathers, there were also some interesting use of props/accessories.

Bolivia wielded a glittery nerf sword.

British Virgin Isles brought all the genies for good luck.
You ain't never had a friend like me.
Japan made everyone nervous with a weapon that she shouldn't have been able to get past security.

While Hungary had a tiny little stuffed bunny.
I watched a "My Strange Obsession" about this kind of thing once.
At this point, it is clear anything goes. Anything. Even poor Miss Australia who clearly somehow lost her actual costume did ok by just taking some Crayola markers to a big round of cardboard and tying her hotel room drapes around her waist.

But at least she tried. Some girls seemed to miss the memo.
Like Miss Israel

And Miss Croatia who bought her dress at Forever 21.

Or that bitch from France who just threw on a beret with her ball gown because she is above all this.

And of course for all those who tried hard to resist this nonsensical push to be turned into a live action "It's a Small World" doll, there were several poor girls who ended up looking like the slutty Halloween costume version of their nationality.

Ok, Greece.
Ugh. Great Britain. I don't think the Queen approves.
Yikes, Nigeria.

And then there was the inexplicable and confusing multicultural muumuu from Korea.

Pretty much everyone of these stereotypical costumes bordered on offensive.

I mean for fuck's sake Germany was wearing a Berlin Wall snuggie. (And of course carrying some of the 99 Luftballons.) It's as if they said, "What do people think of when they think German? Like good stuff that won't make everyone nervous and hate us again."
And I guess Miss Germany couldn't just throw on a lederhosen and wear a beer stein because Miss Curacau already cornered the market on wearing a booze bottle.

There were some crazy, beautiful, cool looks that could make for some fierce America's Next Top Model high fashion photo shoots. I'd rate my top three smize-worthy as
The Venzuela tree
This goddess from India

And this prehistoric party from El Salvador

Yes, Miss Universe was truly pageantry at its finest.
Other than the costumes, I'd have to say the other big highlight for the evening was Miss Columbia (spoiler alert: the winner) saying that she wanted to pursue business so she could "produce and export Columbian products" thus confirming my suspicion that these girls are as smart as they are stylish.

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