Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Drink Up Witches

The bewitching night of All Hallows Eve is almost upon us. And even if you aren't taking the opportunity to dress in some slutty costume and get drunk on Red Rum, you will probably binge on candy. Let's be real, that giant bag of mini Snickers you bought is not for the kiddies in the neighborhood dressed like characters from Frozen. So let it go and lock yourself in, protected from those greedy little goblins, so you can binge on candy in peace.

Now, since binging on Halloween candy is something you've been doing since you were old enough to drag a sac through the streets to collect it, it is time to up your game with your candy consumption and turn it into a classy sounding gourmet event you can tweet about-hence I have tested and prepared for you these Wine and Candy pairings.
This happened.
This was a grueling research process. Last night I ended up eating an entire bag of candy corn by the fist full, guzzling some cheap Vino Verde, and passing out on the couch at 8:30 pm while watching nostalgic Halloween tv specials from the 80s on youtube. When I arose confused out of this sugar induced coma around 3am, my cat was giving me the most judgmental and disappointed look.
But now, with my coffee table covered in wrappers, and a mouth stained deep red with the color of truth, I can share with you my favorites for how you should be binging this Halloween.
(In no particular tasting order)

1. Snickers and Merlot
Snickers is a candy with a lot going on-you have chocolate, peanuts, nougat, caramel....the candy's tag line is it "satisfies you." So, it stands to reason to think of this candy as the steak dinner of candy meals. And hence, a Merlot, with its fruit and black pepper tones, make a perfectly satisfying match.

2. Candy Corn and Vino Verde
Vino Verde is often described as a "cheap and fun" wine, with it's natural, sparkly taste. And, like the grown women who choose to dress as a slutty cat, candy corn is the cheap and fun option for a classic Halloween. Perfect. The bit of carbonated feel combined with the tart from the citrus undertones in Vino Verde is a good offset to the pure sugar of these little buggers.

3. Reeses and Cabernet Sauvignon
Combining a Cab with the saltiness of the chocolate covered peanut butter just nails it. Honestly, this could and should go on Web MD as a PMS cure. Maybe it is the full body nature of the dark fruit characteristics of this wine. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but that sounded like savvy wine talk.

4. Twix and Port
I don't love Port. I do however love Twix. That crunch of the cookie covered in's the stuff fantasies are made of. And perhaps it is the presence of that cookie in this candy bar, but a good dessert wine really hit the spot with this one.
Also, why do fun size Twix bars only have one in the package? Isn't that the whole amazing point of Twix? You got TWO candy bars for the price of one? Why skimp out when it comes to fun, Twix? Why?!

 5. Butterfinger and Chardonnay
A buttery Chardonnay and a Butterfinger is a no brainer combo and they go better together than pumpkin spice and a latte.

5. Pop Rocks and Champagne
 This is a party. No Halloween party to go to? That's fine, just crank up Monster Mash and pour those pop rocks in your mouth and then take a swig of Champagne. Do it. And ignore being creeped out by that urban legend you always heard about Pop Rocks and the carbonation from soda killing you. We are big kids now and know better. Enjoy the party.

There you have it, my definitive Halloween candy and wine pairings for your Halloween shut in festivities. Drink up witches!

*Also, speaking of Fun Size, go ahead and check out the movie Fun Size on Netflix. It has Chelsea Handler in it and is a fun teen romp similar to the movie Superbad that will make you remember back to when Halloween meant something.*

Now go ahead and enjoy. If you dare. But, take warning, from experience, that while eating all this candy and drinking wine, you may initially feel like this:

Be careful, for the end of your night could be quite a fright.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wine is Like Going to The Gym: I'll Drink to That

Science announced that a glass of red wine may have the same effects as one hour of working out.
The study is published here on the internet. Which means it is true. Because everything we read on the internet is true.
But this totally real study was conducted by University of Alberta (making this the most exciting thing to come out of Canada since Ryan Gosling) and found that wine contains a natural compound called resveratrol which improves "physical performance, heart function and muscle strength" in the same way that "you would see from extensive endurance exercise training."
While I was sort of disappointed to learn that they did not mean that sitting on my couch drinking red wine would have the other benefits of working out-namely not having a muffin top, it is pretty awesome to think that my nightly indulgence of a glass of wine is actually a good idea.
I also wish this benefit applied to white wine as well, seeing as I am a big fan of cheap bottles of buttery Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio for my turtle time.
But still, this is great news. Red wine is a performance enhancing beverage.
I'm going to start training hard.

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Worst Halloween Costumes of 2014

The Definitive List of the Worst Halloween Costumes of 2014
 I scared up the most worthy costumes of the Winnifred Sanderson not impressed face from the web. 
And ate a bag of candy corn while doing so.

1. Couple costumes are always the worst. And this one is just gross. 
Picture the most annoying couple you know wearing this and spending the whole night at the party drunkenly smashing into each other in an unsexy sandwich.

I am, however, actually ok with this couple (or friends) Sharknado costume. 

2.  In case you want to not get flirted with on Halloween and want to be able to reuse
your costume next month, you could go as a turkey. 
Bonus: Showing up for Thanksgiving dinner dressed like this will stop your meddling family from asking you why you are still single.

 3. Sexy Yoda you are. What is essentially a bikini and beach cover up with a funny hat is the way to 
get all the nerds in the room to succumb to your force.  
Warning Nerds: Many girls who wear this costume may have never even seen a Star Wars.

 4. Cupcakes are a hot dessert trend. So why not be one. 

Clearly the only acceptable way to go as a cupcake is to go as Valerie Cherish from The Comeback dressed as a cupcake. And bonus points for the night if you finally punch 
that jerk in your life and you both puke.
*Also if you don't get this reference, immediately go on AmazonPrime and watch all of The Comeback and marvel at Lisa Kudrow's comedic genius. 

5. This is an inflated fat suit. With a tutu. So you can be a bloated ballerina. 
These inflated costumes seem to be popular in general this year. Why?

6. This costume, isn't slutty and actually shows some wit, but answer me this Great Pumpkin--how would you get your drink to your face wearing this giant rectangular frame?

Spend a fun moment right now picturing the trick of a person in this Mona Lisa costume
 trying to get her arms around the frame to get food and drink treats to her mouth.

7. Fireman with built in muscles. In the right lighting and with the right amount of alcohol you could easily trick that cute chick in the sexy Yoda costume into 
starting a relationship with you predicated on lies.

 8. I'm not trying to slut shame here, but seriously? A banana? You take the most phallic fruit and dress up as it. Oh goody. It has a zipper so that you can scandalously be peeled all night.

9. This mermaid monstrosity falls into the same category of impracticality as the Mona Lisa one. For the love of candy, why would you wear this? You literally would have to be carried in and placed somewhere on the floor where you then would sit and flip your fins and not get too far all night. Could you even see through this alien-looking one piece? 
This is just reminding me how much I hated the seven hour movie Avatar. 
And again, how the hell would you drink your precious pumpkin ale in this?
 10. If I saw someone wearing this I would feel the need to knock them to the ground and then sit on them to see if a sound comes out. 

And speaking of people I will knock down in a sugar induced rage at a Halloween party-anyone wearing this Ice Bucket Challenge costume:

FYI: Even though I actually hate Halloween-except for the candy binging and watching Hocus Pocus everytime it is on air-I have a solid plan for a costume this year. I think it strikes the perfect balance of sexy, smart, topical, and ironic. Keep posted to see it!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Sleepless and Single Over 30

When it comes to the film Sleepless in Seattle, most people were swept away with how romantic the movie was and found themselves attached to the idea of fate, I, of course, latched onto another message from the movie.

The dramatic moment where Rosie O'Donnell's character tells Meg Ryan's that "It’s easier to get killed by a terrorist than to get married after 40." This has stuck with me for years. And while I'm still no where near 40, I do find myself aged 30 and single and worried that I will end up proving that statistic correct.
This statistic was not just made up for the movie by Nora Ephron. It comes from a 1986 Newsweek cover story which most likely terrified millions of women by reporting on an unpublished study saying that by age forty, a single, educated career woman is more likely to be “killed by a terrorist” than to ever get married. The study argued that “white, college-educated women born in the mid-1950s who are still single at 30 have only a 20 percent chance of marrying. By the age of 35 the odds drop to 5 percent.”

But before you freak out, this study was and is totally incorrect. And as for the whole being killed by a terrorist part, that was actually written as a funny aside in an internal reporting memo by Newsweek’s San Francisco correspondent Pamela Abramson who later said "It's true--I am responsible for the single most irresponsible line in the history of journalism, all meant in jest."
Yeah, that's a good joke. Especially in this day and age. It's hilarious that I would be more convinced that I will encounter a terrorist attack than a nice guy should I leave my house.
Well, here we are, 21 years after Sleepless in Seattle, and nearly 30 years after that preposterous Newsweek study, and now a new study has been released for the terror of the Gen Ys and older Millennials that is harping on those same strings saying that "men across the age spectrum have a sexual preference for women in their mid-20s." So translation-- I'm officially an Old Maid.
Does this mean I can just give up on pretending to like going out to loud, hip bars and wearing uncomfortable shoes and just stay home with my cat watching Murder She Wrote on Netflix without guilt or embarrassment?
Time Magazine decided to follow up the study with their own study where writer Anita Hamilton (an over 30 single woman) asked straight, unmarried men in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s their thoughts on dating "older" women-and by "older" women we mean any woman over 30. Age 30. You know, your typical hip replacement candidates with fading beauty and sagging tits. Ridiculous. I definitely don't feel like an old lady, except for when I see 20 year old girls outside in the winter not wearing a coat over their mini-dress. Then I'm like, nope. Too old for that. And, while I do love staying in and watching Murder She Wrote (seriously the plots have great twists that put Law and Order to shame) and while I have other over 30 lady friends whose hobbies include cross-stitching, canning, and knitting, and we always bring a sweater in case there's a chill and often like to be home and in bed by ten, we should in no way be considered "older" women. And as proof of this, I would like to state that I was recently given a student discount at a movie theatre unsolicited.
Anyway, so Time published the preferences of the men they polled, and the results, while I guess better than the study, are.....not great.

25 year old and single Niv told Time,
“I appreciate the grace and expression of slightly older women. Certain facial features, like smile lines, can be charming."

Oh, thanks, Niv. I'm glad in your infinite wisdom that comes with being 25 that you think wrinkles are hot. You just saved me a fortune from injecting cow fat into my face. Though I still will continue to pick flattering filters on instagram that better mask my crows feet.

An anonymous 32 year old single man said women 30+ are

"Generally more expert at the multisensory/theatrical aspects of the whole dance.”

What the hell does that even mean? No wonder this dude wanted to be anonymous. But, now that he mentions it, I guess I do have my multisensory dance act together and it is all very theatrical. The pleasures of the smell of sore muscle balm, the sensuous moves of hoisting out of a posturepedic bed, the touch of wrinkles. It's all as I expertly woo you in with the Broadway show that is older woman me. Hello Dolly!

 Also quoted was this anonymous 49 year-old charmer who said,

 “Women over 30 have stopped putting metal through their lips and tongues which makes it easier to kiss them. And they’ve figured out their makeup routine so they won’t keep you waiting as long when you’re trying to get to an event.”

Really? That's awfully specific. I'm thinking this nearly 50 year old dude got sick of dating his 20 something girlfriend when she caused him to be late (again) to his office holiday parties by attempting some pinterest My Little Pony make up crap. Also, her piercings undoubtedly posed a threat to his dentures. 
Oh and in case you were thinking that patient dude sounds like a catch, he's listed as in a relationship.

Despite all this, I don't really feel too panic stricken that I will die alone and be eaten by my cats-yet. My parents met in their late 30's and are still blissfully married and that may be because they had time to develop as individuals. And I am glad I've done that as well. Granted, I am at or approaching an age where I definitely thought I'd have more of my sh*t together. Well, at least I can say I'm much cooler and happier now than I was at 24. Even if I am not married, or own property, or have a 401K. But I do wish that scientists and magazines and movies would all stop trying to make me panic about being over 30 and single. I have enough to worry about. Like sinkholes and spiders.