Wednesday, September 25, 2013

This Pumpkin Season Have Your Pants Scared Off

When you walk down the streets, pumpkins crowd the sidewalk outside markets and in every coffee shop and bar pumpkin drinks are pushed. It's definitely fall.

And everyone knows the hallmark of the fall season is Halloween. Though you may be too old to trick or treat, you are never too old to celebrate the holiday-or watch Hocus Pocus a thousand times. And other than the opportunity to unleash your inner slutty with your "costume," the best part of celebrating this holiday is to get scared. Admit it, we all watch horror movies-especially the cheezey ones-and think about what we would do if we were being chased by a homicidal maniac wearing a Porky the Pig mask through an abandoned asylum. The thrill of being scared is strangely exhilarating.
But after a while, the same tricks just don't treat you. There are only so many haunted houses and haunted hayrides you can experience. You know the deal, that poor actor just waiting for his big chance on Broadway who is paying the bills by wearing a Jason mask and slashing a chain saw in your face. Yes, this experience just isn't giving you those thrills it did back in junior high.
Well luckily, there's a new brand of haunted house that is sure to send chills down your spine. Head to Sinking Spring, PA where the town name already creeps me out as my mind jumps to an image of sinkholes. But regardless of that, this town has a "Naked and Scared Challenge" which is a haunted house that from midnight on dares the visitors to get completely naked to experience the walk through total darkness in the house filled with things and characters jumping out at the completely vulnerably naked you. A haunted house after midnight in complete darkness filled with screaming, naked people. Sounds both titillating and terrifying.
Oh, and if naked is just too scary for you, there is a pre-midnight "prude" version where you can wear underwear.
I commend this haunted house's attempt to enter a new frontier in terror. And, according to an interview with its creator in the New York Daily News, I was correct that this venture was inspired by "Naked and Afraid"- the Discovery Channel's summer reality show I was obsessed with which takes two strangers, one male and one female, and places them in an exotic and challenging wilderness survival quest totally naked and with no tools, food, or belongings. Truly terrifying stuff. Being naked in the wilderness or jungle? Nope. Just watch the episode where the woman has her period on a harsh tropic island and is naked, with no food (aka no comfort chocolate), and is with a strange man who spends most of the time whimpering about the sunburn on his privates. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.
Anyway, if you really want to get into the fall spirit, grab your pumpkin spiced latte, get in the car, and road trip to Shocktoberfest in Sinking Springs, PA and scare your pants off-literally. Would make a great date night.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Reach for the Stars

I've had a busy and exciting month. And now I'm craving some downtime, some time to just hang out on the couch and finally watch those shows Breaking Bad and Orange Is The New Black that everyone keeps talking about. That way when I'm out and someone brings them up I don't have to dramatically divert the conversation by bringing up how I'm considering starting to wear Miley Cyrus style nipple adornments or spilling my drink all over them just to avoid having to admit I haven't been watching the shows which are clearly at the hub of world culture right now.
Well, lucky for me and thanks to NASA, there may be a way I can finally catch up on those shows. Success is doing what you love and getting paid for it. NASA announced they are accepting applications for people who they will hire to spend 70 days lounging about and be paid $18,000. It's my dream job! I never thought I'd be qualified for any job at NASA.

Forbes reported that NASA is using these couch potatoes to research how astronauts, specifically those headed to Mars in a few years, will maintain their health while in space. NASA explains that this "bed rest study" will "simulate the effects of long-duration spaceflight by having test subjects lie in beds for the 70 day period. The beds are tilted head-down at a six-degree angle....this tilt which causes body fluids to shift to the upper part of the body, sets off cardiovascular events that are similar to what we see in a space flight.
The big requirement in submitting to this couch potato job is that you can not be a couch potato at the start. They are looking for fit, healthy, active individuals. (I so have this job in the bag!) They are also looking for well adjusted individuals who will pass mental screening tests to make sure that they are "mentally ready to spend 70 days in bed."

Wow. So while I consider filling out the application, I can't help but fantasize about the things I would do with those 70 days. Here's my bed ridden bucket list (also good planning for winter shut in weather /cold and flu season)

1. Watch Breaking Bad and Orange is The New Black-as previously discussed-as well as really investing in all those documentaries I've cued up on Netflix.
2. Learn a whole new language. Being paid $18000 means I can afford that Rosetta Stone and a plane ticket.
3. Read. I used to do a lot of that before distractions like life, Netflix, marathons of TV shows like Law and Order:SVU and Pinterest got in the way.
4. Master the totally wearable everyday make up of Pinterest.
5. Write an awesome screenplay and use the whole $18000 to produce it and then win Oscars for Writing, Directing, and Acting.
6. Is sex allowed?
7. Solve a New York Times crossword puzzle.
8. Prank call people Bart Simpson style.
 9. Get into a catfish relationship on the internet with someone I already know, though they won't suspect it's me. Mwa-ha-ha.
10. Learn to rap-so I can blow minds at karaoke breezing through Macklemore.

So, conclusion. I have to go fill out that application. I have great dreams to fulfill and working for NASA is the key to reaching for the stars.

Miss Me?

Miss me?
While on hiatus from blogging I was
-performing in the musical Hello Dolly on Fire Island
-having bread and whiskey fed to me by actor Alan Cumming
-sitting in a beach front hot tub with 12 gorgeous gay men
-vacationing on Nantucket
-being a back up dancer for comedian Hannibal Buress for part of the Oddball Comedy and Curiosity Festival Tour
-filming a music video with a drunken clown crashing the set
-becoming obsessed with Murder She Wrote on Netflix
-assembling a desk chair (this is actually the task that consumed most of my time during these weeks of blogging silence)
This is all true. Clearly, I've been a bit busy. But now I'm back.