Too Sexy for the Gym

I just got back from vacation. And if you are anything like me, vacation is about taking a break from any and all responsibilities including the responsibility to take care of yourself. Sit in the sun for hours? Sounds smart. Eat ice cream for breakfast and wash it down with a sugary cocktail? Yes, please. The truth is, overall your vacation quickly becomes a time to eat all sorts of food you would never touch at home knowing that the only exercise you're getting is hoisting yourself off your pool chair.

So now I'm back from that spring breakdown of good judgement, and thinking about how much I should be going to the gym to repair some damage. But then I read about this woman who allegedly got kicked out of the gym for having a slamming body that was intimidating others, and I thought how embarrassing it will be when the gym asks me and my slamming body to leave. So I may as well nestle back into the couch for the last days of winter hibernation.
Oh, if only losing weight was as easy as losing an airplane......
Tiffany Austin of Richmond, CA was working out at her local Planet Fitness in a cute pink, midriff-baring ensemble when an employee came up to her and said ""excuse me we've had some complaints you're intimidating people with your toned body. So can you put on a shirt?” Tiffany agreed to put on the free t-shirt they offered to her to cover up, but then she reported that another employee came up to her to again cover up to stop looking so awesome. It was at this point she left and demanded they refund her gym membership.

Planet Fitness has responded to these allegations saying it was not that she was too fit, but that her outfit (seen above) was too scandalous.
But as reported in Huffington Post from Gawker, it doesn't seem too far off that Planet Fitness, the gym that claims it is all about being "gymtimidation free" with "no lunks," would body shame someone for showing off being super fit. In fact, Planet Fitness gyms have an alarm that can be pressed if you perceive someone to be working out too hard, like this guy-

Planet Fitness' website says that it is a place where "members can relax, get in shape, and have fun without being subjected to the hard-core, look-at-me attitude that exists in too many gyms."
Think about their commercials

So apparently they mean it. If you think you are going to just prance into a Planet Fitness, showing off the fruits of your labors, taking "healthies" and numbers, forget it. This is not a gym for those kind of antics. It's a place for diddly squats.
Guess, I've made the right choice to just stay home. I wouldn't want all the BaCardio work I put in over vacation to make those people leisurely strolling on the treadmill feel bad about themselves.
I'll just stay home and do my favorite work out video.

On that note....

Speaking of love finding apps/websites and "glitter" videos-some shameless self promotion of this fun parody I shot on the commercials for the dating website How About We.

Finding More Love From Dating Apps

3nder. How to pronounce that name isn't the only thing I am totally confused by.
This is a new cell phone app that, in the vein of Grindr and Tinder, allows you to find sex and relationships in the digital age. 3nder's gimmick is it allows you to find your dream threesome. Whether you are already in a relationship and looking for someone else to join you or if you are single looking to mingle, this app is there for you.
I don't know, maybe I'm just old fashioned. Or old. But I am really uncomfortable with this. I understand and totally support sexual freedom and fantasies (and am not prudishly opposed to a threesome,) but somehow an app like this feels.....well, creepy. But maybe that is unfair and judgey and exactly why there needs to  be an app like this-to, as 3nder says in its marketing, to help people looking for a threesome who are "discriminated from society the same way gay people were 15 years ago."
In all fairness, I am equally creeped out by Grindr and Tinder, and all dating websites.
Love in the time of technology is strange. I am going to stick to using the hot bar at Whole Foods as my prowling grounds. Best singles bar in town. Nothing helps you confirm the sighting of a single man better than seeing him scoop Mac & Cheese into a to go box. And you now know that he likes cheese so you have something in common! And if you are looking to add more to the mix, maybe somebody making a salad is looking to be tossed in. See, who needs these crazy apps?

Puddles Goes Glitter

It seems near impossible to create something that is both good, unique, and creative. Hundreds of videos are uploaded online everyday and most of them are garbage. But then there are those diamonds in the rough that sparkle even more because of how weirdly wonderful they are. Puddles the Sad Clown's covers of Lorde songs are exactly that-weirdly wonderful. This large clown with a "golden voice" takes Lorde's haunting songs and adds even more soul and a vintage vibe to them. Plus, he's a clown. (No shortage here.) I am so obsessed I have watched this no less than ten times and it is not even 9am yet.
Enjoy.

Also, I want to let you know that, thanks to the influence of my friend who hates the word viral ("sounds so sad, so sick"), I have decided that the new term for videos, or anything, that spreads on the internet should be called glitter. Everyone knows glitter spreads everywhere and it just sounds so much more awesome, and less diseased, to be creating a video to go glitter.

What It Means To Be a Barbie Girl

I've always liked Barbie. Sure she has that ridiculous and unattainable figure, but despite floundering between hundreds of careers, she always seemed true to her blond self holding utmost to her undying love for pink, her sisters, Ken.... She has it together. She lives in her freaking dream house. It's hard to not want to be like Barbie.

But this.......

Meet Blondie Bennett.

She is committed to living her life like Barbie. Obviously that means dieting, breast enhancement, plastic surgery, lots of bleach, botox, and spray tans. Keeping up with all that is a full time job. So she makes her living off online sugar daddies who send her money to see pictures of her dressed up as a sexy doll. As if all of this isn't enough, she is now also going to hypnotherapy to make herself dumber. And she excitedly reported that it is working saying "Recently I went to pick a friend up at the airport and couldn't remember if I needed to go to departures or arrivals. I also got lost for three hours driving to my mum's house - the house where I grew up." Nooooooo.
That's right this woman wants to make herself dumber. She explained, "I want people to see me as a plastic sex doll and being brainless is a big part of that."
The feminist inside me is raging. This is so sad on so many levels.
First of all, she way overshot on those boobies. Barbie is not that racked. 
Second, who said Barbie was stupid? Among her 100+ careers in her resume/closet, Barbie has been a Presidential candidate, an astronaut, a prima ballerina, a teacher, a doctor, a Vet, a news anchor, and a business woman. 

Any one of these careers would require loads of education, training, skill, and intelligence indicating she is absolutely not a vacuous woman. She is more likely a woman in debt with student loans. So what makes Blondie think that she is nailing it by becoming an airhead?  
And the upsetting desire to be nothing more than a "plastic sex doll" is probably the most distburbing part of all this. Especially because Barbie is not a sex doll. In fact, other than her chest which helps her fill out her clothes nicely, Barbie is missing all other anatomical components. And she is not even promiscuous seeing as she has been in an adroable long time committed relationship with Ken.

In fact, Barbie recently was under fire for appearing as a sex symbol in a special Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Among the critics, Forbes contributing writer Teresa Genaro said, “Every winter when the swimsuit issue rolls around, Sports Illustrated reminds me that in its world, women are still objects to be admired for what they look like, not for what they do. Adding Barbie to this year’s mix—literally a plastic, unhealthy, commercial exemplar for little girls—insults women athletes and women readers, who deserve better from a magazine that could choose to counter the objectification of women instead of glorifying it.”
But because she isn't stupid (and has revamped her image considerably since her "math class is tough" days of the 90s), Barbie wrote an incredibly empowering open letter posted on the Mattel website responding to why she chose to do this. And her response seems to go against everything that poor, misguided Blondie Bennett is striving for.
In her response, Barbie says, "I, for one, am honored to join the legendary swimsuit models. The word “model,” like the word “Barbie,” is often dismissed as a poseable plaything with nothing to say. And yet, those featured are women who have broken barriers, established empires, built brands, branched out into careers as varied as authors, entrepreneurs and philanthropists.”
Yes, posing in your swimsuit can make you look like an objectified sex symbol. And yes, certain clothes and looking a certain way can make you appear to be provocative and promiscuous, but it doesn't mean you are. I happen to agree with Barbie that women should be able to wear pink to an interview at MIT and not be discounted for how they look. And while this means that I believe everyone should be entitled to create their own reflection and become anything they want, it still doesn't stop me from wanting to hate Blondie Bennett's choices. It is not Barbie who is the problem here, it is the idea that life is easier and nothing else matters if you are pretty. The problem is women seeing only one kind of beauty and finding themselves so worthless that they are willing to change who they are entirely. Barbie does not stand for these values. We have just pushed them onto her, shaming her for happily existing as herself because we need someone to blame. Do we blame He-Man for men behaving like scuzzy, egotistical gym rats?
Blondie Bennett needs to be going to hypnotherapy alright, but it should be for learning to love and be herself because that power of pink, power of being a woman, is what I always thought Barbie really stood for.

Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much

There was this:

Then this:

But New Zealand's Prime Minister has even bigger problems to defend.

 

"To the best of my knowledge, no. I've taken the unusual step of not only seeing a doctor but a vet, and both have confirmed I'm not a reptile… I've never been in a spaceship, never been in outer space, and my tongue's not overly long either."

Less Clowning Around

Send in the clowns. This is no laughing matter.
According to the New York Daily News, the World Clown Association (I didn't know that was a thing) has reported a serious drop in the number of clowns which means that we could be facing a clown shortage.
This could be devastating. Imagine a clown car pulling up and only a lone clown sits behind the wheel.
Apparently, one of the big problems that has caused the decrease in Bozos is age. “The challenge is getting younger people involved in clowning,” explains Association President Deanna (Dee Dee) Hartmier.

Yes, I could see that being a problem. I think not enough high school guidance counselors are pushing kids into Clown College. But with College and University tuition and the job market and economy being what it is, clearly they should. This professional clown shortage means job openings. In fact, I'm thinking I should probably just shift careers a bit. As a dancer and actress constantly looking for work this may wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd just wear more make up. 

Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger believes that the youth aren't getting into clowning because it "isn't cool anymore." I'm not sure when clowning was ever cool, but I could see it being problematic that many people in their 20's and 30's might feel a bit embarrassed to show up at their high school reunion, friends' weddings, or on dates and have to explain their profession as a clown. It's bad enough having to talk to someone who just made partner in a law firm saying you are "in between things."

So what does clowning pay? Well according to New York Clown Alley, you can get up to $300 for a birthday party. That's pretty good, but would hardly pay your rent. And those big clown shoes are probably expensive. Still, that's better than my last pay check. 

I did some further research online and found that there are three kinds of clowns.

1. General Clowns are freelancers who work birthday parties, events, etc. They make about $20/hr and usually report to making $38,000/year.

 2. Rodeo Clowns are the daredevil clowns responsible for using their antics to not just make people laugh but for distracting animals like bulls at the rodeo when the riders fall off. This sounds horrifyingly dangerous. These clowns make at least $50,000/year.

3. Salaried Gig Clowns are the ones with regular jobs in shows like the circus. They have their room and board paid, health insurance, and while there were mixed salaries listed, these clowns are making some decent money. And they have health insurance in case their nose honks or they are looking a bit pale.

But before I start painting my face and packing my bags to run off with the circus, the article also states that despite the drop in numbers of clowns, standards are even higher nowadays for clowns being hired. Great, yet another audition to fail. David Kiser, the Ringling Bros. Director of Talent, says “No longer is it good enough to just drop your pants and focus on boxer shorts." Ain't that the truth. If I had a dollar for everytime I've said that.....

Anyway, maybe it's for the best that there are less clowns out there.