I know there is so much strife and sadness in the world and complaining about not having air conditioning is the biggest "First World Problem" ever. I am mad at myself for even complaining. I feel like my younger cousin who one Christmas was talking in the same breath about how she wanted "to like go to Africa and help children" AND how she "like only got two pairs of Uggs for Christmas." Oh the humanity of not having Uggs in every shade to match your leggings.
But back to my complaint: this heat could make you go mad! I have jungle fever just sitting in my living room. For God's sake I watched reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos on television because it felt impossible to move through the oppressive heat to pick up the remote to the change the channel.
So here's how I'm coping.
1. I've stripped down to almost no clothing. Men, don't be turned on by this-it is so hot if you were to come near me with any intentions at all I would kick you in the face.
2. I've adopted the same position as my cat. Sprawled out and belly up on the floor. I'm staying low in general because we all know heat rises. I crawled to go to the kitchen and the bathroom.
3. I keep opening the freezer to get that nice breeze. Previously I haven't spent too much time with my head in there and have now discovered that somehow a bag of peas has burst and there are peas gone rogue partying everywhere. Also it's an ice cream pint graveyard. Apparently I'm a non-commital serial dater when it comes to ice cream. Well today those old flings are coming back so I can finish what I started. Nothing matters today. I'm easy. As long as you're cold, I want you inside me.
4. I've made a tropical cocktail and am allowing the maddening heat to let me believe the delusion that I am enjoying a luxurious stay in the Caribbean. I also found it helpful to dump the ice from the cocktail shaker on to me. It was discouraging though how quickly the ice melted upon hitting my body. This girl is on fiiiiiyaaarr. I now believe my body heat has gotten too high and that I may spontaneously combust right here on the couch and of course this leads me to google terrifying incidents of human spontaneous combustion.
5. Ugh just shoot me. Seriously. In order to cool down, especially now that I've gotten myself into a fire panic, I am sitting squirting myself with a water gun. This also led to the invention of a fun game where I point it at the tv and squirtsassinate cheezy commercial actors. I also step in and start helping Benson and Stabler take down those pedi perps with my perfect aim making Law and Order: SVU an awesome interactive experience. Yo, I got your back Ice-T......Oh no! Does this new found love of firing make me an NRA membership candidate?
6. The heat madness has led me to seriously consider going outside and stealing my neighbor's little pink kiddie pool and dragging it up into my living room so I can just sit in it. That would be a pretty picture. I can just see the headline: "A grown woman was found in her underwear in a kiddie pool in her living room. It appears she fell asleep in there and drowned in the three inches of water." It would all be very Valley of the Dolls.
Alright, so maybe I'm not coping great. I do prefer this sauna of hell to those chilling winter days where you can't leave your house. And in the scheme of things, if the biggest problem I have is sweating it out through a lazy summer evening, I think life is pretty good.
Stay cool everyone.
