Never a Bride: Bizarre Adventures of a Great Pretender

I am in a weird business as a performer. I have been paid as a dancer to wear a fairy costume and twirl while glitter flies through the air. It's like every six year old girls dream, and sometimes I forget to think how special that is, that you can actually grow up to play pretend for a living.
And while playing pretend, as an actor, I have filmed a sex scene-on the Oprah Network for their housewife-pleasing steamy show "Unfaithful." Seriously. So, not unlike a porn star, I've been paid to spend a day in bed making out with a hot actor in a hot room filled with lighting equipment and a half dozen crew men. That was an odd day. It is jobs like that where the magic and innocence of playing pretend are upstaged by the stark crossover to reality. Seeing what you look like close up in bedroom action in high def, having a director tell you how to move and what to do in that sort of context, having cameras, it's.....not normal. And there is a good amount of reality that even a talented actor can't separate from. (Read: the dude does still get it up and this obviously leads to awkward pauses in the film day while he takes a moment to...re-prepare.) Overall, that day was one of my most exhausting days on set ever, and ironically I spent most of it in bed. And most of it thinking how I was not feeling like I wanted to engage in these bedroom activities at home for quite a while either. Or at least for a little while, until the director's voice got out of my head and I wasn't worried about rolling over and hitting a bad angle for my thighs. I also now watch any sex scene in film and television with a certain detachment. I know how unsexy it all is.

Not as sexy as it looks.

But it is the detachment from reality that I have found to be the most adverse side effect of engaging in the world of pretend as a performer. In my world, it is totally normal to play dress up, to twirl through glitter, to sit around practicing accents by calling for your take out using it, to go from small talk to being madly in love with someone and kiss them with unbridled passion and then rush off on your equity ten to use Listerine to get the taste of them out of your mouth. But then, when it comes to reality, sometimes I just can't cope. A day spent on set kissing a stranger makes you come home and be aloof to the guy you are actually dating. A day not spent twirling in glitter is a day that feels wasted. How can any normal day of cleaning cat litter and running errands be compared to a day filled with applause, roses, and glitter sparkling in the spot light?
This week I came back from the whirlwind of the run of shows of Nutcracker, the holidays, and a vacation to the beach in Mexico to hit the road running and attend a bunch of auditions. Auditions are a whole other alternative reality where people can be total asses to you with no consequences. Polite pleasantries that are expected in society don't apply here. You walk in and say hi, and they just stare at you and sip their coffee. Actually when you talk, they may not even look at you. And when they do talk to you, it's usually to criticize you.

Any other situation, you would yell at these people for being rude and storm out, wanting nothing to do with them. But instead, here you are, hoping they like you and that you get to spend more time with these bitches. What is wrong with that picture?
But anyway, this week one of my auditions really caused me to think about the weird reality I live in as a performer. I had a casting call for a Bridal photo shoot. I am not married, I've never been engaged, I'm not even currently dating a good prospect for that, so obviously this was the first time I ever tried on wedding dresses. And what a bizarre way to do it. There I stood, seeing myself in the most amazing white cupcake dress, complete with a bodice encrusted with crystals, and before I had that moment that I have seen so many of my friends have when trying on wedding dresses-that moment of seeing yourself in the mirror and thinking how you look like the Princess you always wanted to be-before I could have that moment, I was accosted by casting directors and designers just picking on me. "Oh, she's way to short waisted for that." "No that makes her look short and boxy." "Can you walk more gracefully in that?" "I don't know if she looks like a bride." What does that even mean? The first moment in a wedding dress felt ruined. I stood there feeling not at all like a princess, but more like Cinderella having her dress torn off of her by the stepsisters. And just like that, wedding dresses became as fake to me as a sex scene or a British accent. I'm not saying I'm scarred for life or will never want to get married, though I did see a wonderful article this week about bridal pantsuits that I now like the idea of as they may make me look less short waisted......but I did find myself becoming bitterly disillusioned by yet another sect of reality that to most "normal" girls is their twirling with glitter in the air moment of life. Maybe I should be glad that this didn't go the other way which would have ended up with me pathetically buying a wedding dress like Liz Lemon and sitting around eating night cheese in it.

So I am thinking maybe it will be different when I am actually getting married. Maybe that sense of magic will return and I will have forgotten the time I auditioned to be a bride and I'll be able to live in the moment and actually be a bride. I got over hearing that director's voice in the bedroom, and the crocodile tears I've cried in dramatic moments on stage have not taken away the depth which with I've felt real tears in true moments of sorrow. So maybe there is hope.
But meanwhile, I continue to pursue this life in altered reality while traveling on the parallel road of reality. Like I said, it's weird. But the glitter makes it worth it.

Cheesepocolypse

While we are all being distracted by the polar vortex and Chris Christie's Bridgegate, we are being blindsided by an unthinkable and tragic crisis at the start of the year. There is a Velveeta Cheese shortage. Oh the humanity! We greedy, fatty-food loving Americans have really done it now.

That's right, we are in a Cheesepocolypse because, according to BusinessWeek.com, people are buying more of the orange, gooey Kraft product as it is football season--and everyone knows nothing goes better with touchdowns than Velveeta cheese spread over your chips and chili.
A Kraft spokesperson explained vaguely that additional to the product's rise in popularity, there have been some minor "manufacturing challenges" for this liquid gold that should only last a couple of weeks. But during that time, it may be hard to find Velveeta stacked on your supermarket shelves.
This is madness. Will there be a black market for cheese? Does this affect Kraft's Mac and Cheese too? What will I eat for lunch? What if other cheeses start getting bought up and there is an all around cheese shortage? What will I do at night without my night cheese?
These are truly unsettling times.

2014

I'm back! After months of hiatus, I have decided that the start of the New Year is a perfect time to return to examining the cheeziness of pop culture and whining about it.
And to kick off, I would like to start off with a list of things in pop culture I think we can look to 2014 for.

 

1. The 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. Already these have gained a lot of press because of Russia's anti-gay laws. So we have all that drama to look forward to in addition to the feats of athletic prowess. Considering figure skating is one of the competitions, there is no way this won't get good. Oh and remember the nightmare inducing opening ceremony in London in 2012? I'm excited.

2. Bunnies. Hear me out on this......I predict bunnies will be the new cats. They will be the pet everyone is posting about. Mark my words, 2014 will be the year of the rabbit. (Even though the Chinese say it is the year of the horse.) I know several adults who have recently acquired these little fluffernutters as pets and keep enthusiastically telling me I have to "come over and see the bunny." Bunnies will be everywhere that cats once were and be the new cute standard. We will have Batty Bunny Betties instead of Crazy Cat Ladies. Bunnies will flood youtube. Watch out.

3. Constant references to what we are doing towards creating the 2015 future that was promised to us in Back to the Future II. Hover boards, 3D animated billboards, flying cars. We have only a matter of months people. Let's get on it. 

4. 2012 was all about food porn. 2013 was the year of the selfie. What will we be snapping overshare pictures of this year? I'm scared.

5. Relationships with technology ala the movie "Her." Have you seen the previews for this? I was convinced I was watching a pardoy video. The premise of this Spike Jonze movie is that a man develops a relationship with a female voice produced by an intelligent computer operating system. So basically it is a dude who is dating Siri. This daring film which is hailing some acclaim opens the door to the closet lives of many people who feel more connected digitally than personally whether it be to other people over the internet or maybe even the internet and technology itself. And this is the 2014 future we are in. So....great. Digital boyfriends, a whole new way to end up in a dead end relationship.

6. Crazy hair and fashion. It's a free for all of anything goes. Right now you can literally shave half your head, die the other crazy long side six different colors, wear way over the top eye make up inspired by pinterest, wear huge glasses, put on Doc Martens, printed tights, a frilly 60's inspired dress, and top it off with a poncho on and you will look totally vogue. Everyone can look like they were dressed by their inner toddler. Super hero capes and shirts worn inside out....Go for it. And don't forget to instagram it.

So bring it on 2014. And keep reading this blog to hear all about it.

Shutting Down.

Think the Government's Ctrl+Alt+Delete doesn't affect you? Think again. It has caused a black out of the Panda Cam at The National Zoo. 

Try not to panic!!

As for me, I am also shutting down as well for the day. If the Government can't provide me with the Panda Cam, then I just can't go on.

*And in keeping with the shut down theme and in case the absence of the Panda Cam has left you looking for a way to waste your time today, here's an interesting article on the history of Ctrl+Alt+Delete shut down-which apparently was a mistake! I'm sure we'll look back at this Government shut down and call it a mistake too.

This Pumpkin Season Have Your Pants Scared Off

When you walk down the streets, pumpkins crowd the sidewalk outside markets and in every coffee shop and bar pumpkin drinks are pushed. It's definitely fall.

And everyone knows the hallmark of the fall season is Halloween. Though you may be too old to trick or treat, you are never too old to celebrate the holiday-or watch Hocus Pocus a thousand times. And other than the opportunity to unleash your inner slutty with your "costume," the best part of celebrating this holiday is to get scared. Admit it, we all watch horror movies-especially the cheezey ones-and think about what we would do if we were being chased by a homicidal maniac wearing a Porky the Pig mask through an abandoned asylum. The thrill of being scared is strangely exhilarating.

But after a while, the same tricks just don't treat you. There are only so many haunted houses and haunted hayrides you can experience. You know the deal, that poor actor just waiting for his big chance on Broadway who is paying the bills by wearing a Jason mask and slashing a chain saw in your face. Yes, this experience just isn't giving you those thrills it did back in junior high.
Well luckily, there's a new brand of haunted house that is sure to send chills down your spine. Head to Sinking Spring, PA where the town name already creeps me out as my mind jumps to an image of sinkholes. But regardless of that, this town has a "Naked and Scared Challenge" which is a haunted house that from midnight on dares the visitors to get completely naked to experience the walk through total darkness in the house filled with things and characters jumping out at the completely vulnerably naked you. A haunted house after midnight in complete darkness filled with screaming, naked people. Sounds both titillating and terrifying.
Oh, and if naked is just too scary for you, there is a pre-midnight "prude" version where you can wear underwear.
I commend this haunted house's attempt to enter a new frontier in terror. And, according to an interview with its creator in the New York Daily News, I was correct that this venture was inspired by "Naked and Afraid"- the Discovery Channel's summer reality show I was obsessed with which takes two strangers, one male and one female, and places them in an exotic and challenging wilderness survival quest totally naked and with no tools, food, or belongings. Truly terrifying stuff. Being naked in the wilderness or jungle? Nope. Just watch the episode where the woman has her period on a harsh tropic island and is naked, with no food (aka no comfort chocolate), and is with a strange man who spends most of the time whimpering about the sunburn on his privates. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.
Anyway, if you really want to get into the fall spirit, grab your pumpkin spiced latte, get in the car, and road trip to Shocktoberfest in Sinking Springs, PA and scare your pants off-literally. Would make a great date night.

Reach for the Stars

I've had a busy and exciting month. And now I'm craving some downtime, some time to just hang out on the couch and finally watch those shows Breaking Bad and Orange Is The New Black that everyone keeps talking about. That way when I'm out and someone brings them up I don't have to dramatically divert the conversation by bringing up how I'm considering starting to wear Miley Cyrus style nipple adornments or spilling my drink all over them just to avoid having to admit I haven't been watching the shows which are clearly at the hub of world culture right now.
Well, lucky for me and thanks to NASA, there may be a way I can finally catch up on those shows. Success is doing what you love and getting paid for it. NASA announced they are accepting applications for people who they will hire to spend 70 days lounging about and be paid $18,000. It's my dream job! I never thought I'd be qualified for any job at NASA.

Forbes reported that NASA is using these couch potatoes to research how astronauts, specifically those headed to Mars in a few years, will maintain their health while in space. NASA explains that this "bed rest study" will "simulate the effects of long-duration spaceflight by having test subjects lie in beds for the 70 day period. The beds are tilted head-down at a six-degree angle....this tilt which causes body fluids to shift to the upper part of the body, sets off cardiovascular events that are similar to what we see in a space flight.
The big requirement in submitting to this couch potato job is that you can not be a couch potato at the start. They are looking for fit, healthy, active individuals. (I so have this job in the bag!) They are also looking for well adjusted individuals who will pass mental screening tests to make sure that they are "mentally ready to spend 70 days in bed."

Wow. So while I consider filling out the application, I can't help but fantasize about the things I would do with those 70 days. Here's my bed ridden bucket list (also good planning for winter shut in weather /cold and flu season)

1. Watch Breaking Bad and Orange is The New Black-as previously discussed-as well as really investing in all those documentaries I've cued up on Netflix.
2. Learn a whole new language. Being paid $18000 means I can afford that Rosetta Stone and a plane ticket.
3. Read. I used to do a lot of that before distractions like life, Netflix, marathons of TV shows like Law and Order:SVU and Pinterest got in the way.
4. Master the totally wearable everyday make up of Pinterest.

5. Write an awesome screenplay and use the whole $18000 to produce it and then win Oscars for Writing, Directing, and Acting.
6. Is sex allowed?
7. Solve a New York Times crossword puzzle.
8. Prank call people Bart Simpson style.

 9. Get into a catfish relationship on the internet with someone I already know, though they won't suspect it's me. Mwa-ha-ha.
10. Learn to rap-so I can blow minds at karaoke breezing through Macklemore.

So, yeah.....in conclusion. I have to go fill out that application. I have great dreams to fulfill and working for NASA is the key to reaching for the stars.

Miss Me?

Miss me?
While on hiatus from blogging I was
-performing in the musical Hello Dolly on Fire Island
-having bread and whiskey fed to me by actor Alan Cumming
-sitting in a beach front hot tub with 12 gorgeous gay men
-vacationing on Nantucket
-being a back up dancer for comedian Hannibal Buress for part of the Oddball Comedy and Curiosity Festival Tour
-filming a music video with a drunken clown crashing the set
-becoming obsessed with Murder She Wrote on Netflix
-assembling a desk chair (this is actually the task that consumed most of my time during these weeks of blogging silence)
This is all true. Clearly, I've been a bit busy. But now I'm back.