Flakey Millennials Find No Time for Fruit Loops-And Other Struggles of My Generation

This week, the NY Times reported that "Almost 40 percent of the millennials ... said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it."
So, Millennials, who by all reports, are causing the demise of the modern world, are too lazy to even make themselves a bowl of cereal.

As a Millennial, I would like to respond to this outrageous accusation by saying....that is absolutely freakin' correct. Damn straight I hate doing dishes. I don't have a dishwasher in the apartment which I rent. By the time they were my age, older generations owned houses in shiny suburbs complete with dishwashers so they could afford to lavishly use dishes. But times they are a changing. And I have literally reused the same wine glass for four days to drink both my nightly glass of wine and my morning breakfast orange juice out of. 
And in further response to this study, I have compiled a list of things that I and other lazy Millennials seeking instant gratification do in case they need to do further studies on our apparently fascinating habits. 

-- I order Grub Hub, buy a dinner I shovel into a cardboard box at Whole Foods, or wiggle my way into dinner invitations so I don't have to cook. Or do dishes. Or grocery shop.

-- I order anything and everything I can online so I don't have to go anywhere extra or engage in dreaded small talk conversations with people who work at check outs.

-- I establish levels of cleanliness when it comes to laundry. Jeans can hardly ever be dirty. 

-- I have gone weeks maybe months moving one lightbulb from room to room because I was too lazy/forgetful to actually get more lightbulbs. This rationale has also been applied when it comes to other key necessities. I have showered with dish soap.

-- I prefer to text in emojis so I don't have to use actual words to express myself. A cute little pile of poop picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, words can be so tricky and confusing, whereas you can't really take an emoji the wrong way. 

-- I have committed the act of ghosting where I pulled a Houdini-like disappearance act on someone I was dating so as to not have to deal with the dramatics and feelings conjured up by an actual break-up conversation. 

-- "Dressy" yoga pants? Sexy, tousled bed-head messy hair? You can thank Millennials for these chic looks. Fashion is less of a statement and more about leaving my bed with time for nothing and still getting to where I am going passably on time. And beards being cool for guys does double duty by masking both their laziness to shave and their being too lazy to work out by hiding their chubby cheeks.

-- I look back on the days when Netflix didn't just play the next episode automatically as the evil Dark Ages of having to roll over and use a remote. 

-- Sometimes I just opt to watch a rerun or re-watch a movie I've seen because I'm too lazy to commit to focusing on something new. 

-- I can't remember the last time I wasted my ever dwindling energy looking something up in a book, writing a check, putting a stamp on something and mailing it, or reading a paper newspaper or magazine. Why would I? The internet does all of that. Faster. And I don't have to even put on yoga pants or leave the couch.

-- I actually get quite anxious and angry waiting for anything from email and text responses to waiting on my Uber car. Waiting feels like wasted time. And yet I find no irony in or problem with taking 10 minutes to select a filter for my instagram post or spending 20 minutes googling the perfect gif to respond to a friend's status with. 

-- I may not like, and even resent, my time being wasted from waiting, but I love wasting my own time. See Alanis, that's irony. 

-- Nothing infuriates me more than waiting in line, slow wifi, and cell phone batteries dying. These all seem like unnecessary ways the universe is being cruel. They test my already failing patience to the brink. 

-- Nothing thrills me more than plans canceling. Even if it is with a friend. The wealth of time earned from canceled plans feels like I've won the lazy lottery. 

Yes. It's true. The struggle is real.
*Also, when it comes to making cereal, there is an extra step that I find so makes it worth it. Try pouring some Bailey's in your Cocoa Puffs. It's the true breakfast of champions. 

La Cheeze & Whine Winter Shut In Netflix Binge List

We are bracing for Snowpocolypse 2016 on the east coast. With this year's mild weather so far, I feel we are all actually like this teacher looking forward to some snow for forced couch time.
And since obviously we have all already binged on Making a Murderer and are stressed out from Sarah Palin, I figured I'd let you know about some fun and maybe lesser known picks from the lighter side of Netflix viewing that will help calm you down and get you through.

La Cheeze & Whine Winter Shut In Netflix Binge List

"The Spoils Before Dying"

An IFC mini-series that is a creative parody of vintage bad tv follows a 1950s jazz pianist turned private eye who becomes embroiled in a murder investigation. It's sort of a high budget, extended SNL skit starring Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph. It's so intentionally terrible that is delightful. Make it a true binge and watch its sister series "The Spoils of Babylon" while you are at it.

"Vexed"

A snarky British police sitcom featuring a mis-matched pair of Detectives with sexual tension who must work together to solve bizarre murders. If you like things like "Law and Order: SVU" and "Castle," but wish they had more sarcasm and sex, you'll dig this.

"The Search for General Tso"

A history of the real General and how my favorite Chinese take out chicken dish got named for him. Informative, filled with fodder for interesting anecdotes that you can wow any crowd with when they bring up Chinese food. It's also told like a good detective story, and best watched while enjoying some take out-because you will definitely be craving some watching this.

"Lucky"

After all the recent Lottery craze, this is a relatable one. It's a dark comedy about a serial killer who unwittingly wins the lottery jackpot starring Colin (Tom's son) Hank, Ann-Margaret, and Mimi Rogers aka the gum girl from Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.

"The Riches"

You may have missed this totally binge worthy show when it aired on FX nearly a decade ago, but it is so good. Eddie Izzard plays a gypsy con-artist who leads his family into stealing the upscale life of another man who they find dead on his way to moving into his new home. You won't be able to stop until the end. And Izzard creates a character who, like Tony Soprano, makes you so confused about what is actually right and wrong.

"Jem"

Not the shit movie they attempted to make. The original. The 80s cartoon that you probably watched but didn't really understand. It is like a soap opera with date drama plots worthy of Sex and the City. And just as stylish.

"Friends with Benefits"

A short lived but cute sitcom from 2011 that if you like things like "How I Met Your Mother," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," and "New Girl" you will enjoy. Right from the first scene of the pilot episode where a guy, rushing out of bed after sleeping with his best friend, puts on her skinny jeans instead of his own.  Oh the struggle.

"The Increasingly Poor Decision of Todd Margaret"

David Cross' dark sided humor creates this character who is destined to fail and bring everyone around down with him in this IFC sitcom about a pathetic loser who accidentally gets sent by his company to work in London, despite the fact that he is so clueless he doesn't even know that the Pound and Dollar have different values. Also stars my favorite British actress/comedian/writer Sharon Horgan.

"Better Off Ted"

A brilliant sitcom about a heartless company called Veridian and the employees who "don't fight it." Starring the super cute Jay Harrington and Portia de Rossi being the ultimate perfect corporate bitch. This show is so clever it is hard to believe it only was allowed to exist for two years. It is vainglorious. So watch it. For Jenkins. You'll get all this when you watch it.

"Small Town Security"

A reality show about a family security business in a small town in Georgia led by the matriarch Joan, a former local cable access tv star whose employees include a trans-gender security guard who is in a bizarre love triangle with her. There are all the elements you need here for captivating viewing of bizarre realities of other lives. So get on it.

"Bojack Horseman"

An animated series in the twisted vein of "Archer," this one is about a horse who was a 90s sitcom star but is now a miserable drunk desperate for a comeback. Hilarious and raunchy and filled with great pull quotes. 

There you have it! Now get binging!

The Holiday of Making A Murderer

Happy 2016! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. I did. Thanks to Netflix. Netflix gave me exactly what I wanted this holiday season. A show so worthy of binging that I forgot all about the three trillion questions my nosey relatives asked me about how my "acting" career is going and if I have found "somebody" yet. A show so deliciously captivating that I forgot all about the high calorie holiday cookie bender I'd gone on. A show that turned my post Christmas cold that had me curled up on the couch shut off from society and massacring tissues into the most wonderful time.

I am of course talking about "Making a Murderer." The Netflix original documentary series that they launched just in time for the holidays, knowing that everyone would be desperately searching for something to do beside stand in line to return their gifts or visit more with their strange cousins. 

And unless you have been living trapped underneath your Christmas tree due to a freak decorating accident, you too probably got sucked into this 10 hour television trap. 

Watching the whole 10 hours. At once.

Despite the several times in the 10 hours when Netflix stupidly questioned my life choices by interrupting the next episode from starting saying "Are you sure you're still watching?" Are you mocking me Netflix? Stop passing judgement and just get back to showing me that fat pawn of a prosecutor with the mustache. 

The whole 10 hours got me more and more filled with rage and shock at the seemingly evil police state we live in. My rage levels became out of control high while watching this. Like Nicholas Cage rage.

I had to consume a box of wine to calm myself.

Making a Murderer follows the story of Steven Avery and his intellectually challenged minor nephew who are accused of rape and murder shortly after Steven Avery was released from jail where he spent 18 years for a crime that DNA cleared him from. Avery was also in the midst of a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the county for this error when bam-he's back in cuffs. With crazy evidence popping up everywhere. It was a true crime story 10 years in the making by Columbia film grads Laura Ricciardi and Moira Demos. And each twist and turn left me with so many questions to fuel the fire burning inside me. I had flames....flames on the side of my face. ....

Why are these County policemen who clearly have motive allowed anywhere near this case and evidence? Why was Avery's poor mentally challenged nephew questioned without help and then led into believing that if he told them what they wanted to hear that he could get home in time to watch Wrestlemania? If Avery did kill this girl and try to hide it, why didn't he crush her car, that was literally in the lot next to a car crusher? What is wrong with this jury? Why?

I have watched endless hours of Law and Order:SVU, so I feel that makes me pretty versed in criminal affairs, the law, and spotting liars. And this show raises tons of red flags and makes you lose faith in the American justice system. Where is Benson, Stabler, and that husky voiced DA chick when you need them? They would have never let this happen. 

But despite the rage and the endless whys, this show was amazing. And for once, I was able to partake in conversation using the current lexicon that had entered pop culture. Usually, from the moment I hear people raving about something, I immediately become disgusted and avoid it. I still haven't watched Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, or Game of Thrones. See mom, I did listen. If everyone else is jumping off the bridge, I don't just do it too. But in this case, I discovered this show that silently entered the world digitally, without any prior hype, while alone on my couch. Netflix suggested it to me, and since I am a fan of a good mystery and was tired of watching sappy Christmas specials, I decided to give it a whirl. And by the time, 10 hours or so later, when I came out of my viewing hovel on the couch, it seemed everyone else had simultaneously discovered it and seen it too.
And everyone was fascinated and outraged. They blogged, and posted, and tweeted, and obsessed over this.  They even did something relatively productive. They created an online petition to the White House to pardon Avery and his nephew that has already acquired the 100,000 signatures needed to ensure that the White House must now respond. So the story isn't over. Thank goodness, Netflix could get a second season out of this.

So if you haven't watched this show, get on it. Call out sick immediately and just settle in and go for it. It's like a band-aid, best to rip it all off at once. There is no way to train for this kind of marathon.

And if you have already watched it, try to keep calm and avoid giving in to the conspiracy theory life. This show is a dangerous gateway drug that will lead you down the acid trip rabbit hole where Tupac is alive and Paul is dead and the government is trying to control your mind and poison you. 

Just be grateful for the wonderful holiday memories you shared with Netflix this year. Wasn't it a nice change of pace to spend that week between Christmas and New Years filled with rage from something other than family out-staying their welcome?

Here's to a 2016 filled with things that unite and excite us as much as "Making a Murderer!"

Reach for the Stars

I've had a busy and exciting month. And now I'm craving some downtime, some time to just hang out on the couch and finally watch those shows Breaking Bad and Orange Is The New Black that everyone keeps talking about. That way when I'm out and someone brings them up I don't have to dramatically divert the conversation by bringing up how I'm considering starting to wear Miley Cyrus style nipple adornments or spilling my drink all over them just to avoid having to admit I haven't been watching the shows which are clearly at the hub of world culture right now.
Well, lucky for me and thanks to NASA, there may be a way I can finally catch up on those shows. Success is doing what you love and getting paid for it. NASA announced they are accepting applications for people who they will hire to spend 70 days lounging about and be paid $18,000. It's my dream job! I never thought I'd be qualified for any job at NASA.

Forbes reported that NASA is using these couch potatoes to research how astronauts, specifically those headed to Mars in a few years, will maintain their health while in space. NASA explains that this "bed rest study" will "simulate the effects of long-duration spaceflight by having test subjects lie in beds for the 70 day period. The beds are tilted head-down at a six-degree angle....this tilt which causes body fluids to shift to the upper part of the body, sets off cardiovascular events that are similar to what we see in a space flight.
The big requirement in submitting to this couch potato job is that you can not be a couch potato at the start. They are looking for fit, healthy, active individuals. (I so have this job in the bag!) They are also looking for well adjusted individuals who will pass mental screening tests to make sure that they are "mentally ready to spend 70 days in bed."

Wow. So while I consider filling out the application, I can't help but fantasize about the things I would do with those 70 days. Here's my bed ridden bucket list (also good planning for winter shut in weather /cold and flu season)

1. Watch Breaking Bad and Orange is The New Black-as previously discussed-as well as really investing in all those documentaries I've cued up on Netflix.
2. Learn a whole new language. Being paid $18000 means I can afford that Rosetta Stone and a plane ticket.
3. Read. I used to do a lot of that before distractions like life, Netflix, marathons of TV shows like Law and Order:SVU and Pinterest got in the way.
4. Master the totally wearable everyday make up of Pinterest.

5. Write an awesome screenplay and use the whole $18000 to produce it and then win Oscars for Writing, Directing, and Acting.
6. Is sex allowed?
7. Solve a New York Times crossword puzzle.
8. Prank call people Bart Simpson style.

 9. Get into a catfish relationship on the internet with someone I already know, though they won't suspect it's me. Mwa-ha-ha.
10. Learn to rap-so I can blow minds at karaoke breezing through Macklemore.

So, yeah.....in conclusion. I have to go fill out that application. I have great dreams to fulfill and working for NASA is the key to reaching for the stars.

Don't Tickle Me Elmo

Another day, another fallen hero. You have undoubtedly stumbled across the documentary "Being Elmo" on Netflix and, if you are like me, you fell in love with Kevin Clash, the man behind Sesame Street's Elmo. Today news broke from Sesame Street that a 23 year old young man has come forward saying that he had a seven-year relationship with Clash, starting at the age of 16. Clash is admitting to the relationship, but he denies that it was of a sexual nature until the boy was of age. And it should be noted, no allegations were made about Elmo's involvement in the relationship. Even though we all know how much that muppet likes to be tickled and touched. Either way, I can't help but feel a bit skeezed out and disappointed as this case of "show me on this muppet where he touched you" unfolds.
The accuser's lawyers are from Andreozzi and Associates, the same firm that represented one of Jerry Sandusky victims. The lawyers have accused Sesame Workshop of trying to "discredit the victim in order to protect its employee and the image of one of its most valuable characters. This approach places a greater value on a puppet than the well being of a young man." Well, Clash has spent all these years with his hand up the tush of a childlike furry monster, it's going to be hard for him to have a lot credibility in fighting these allegations. Kevin Clash (and I assume his red furry alter ego) will be taking a leave of absence from Sesame Street to deal with this. Perhaps opening more screen time for Telly Monster. I always felt like Telly Monster was under appreciated.