Flakey Millennials Find No Time for Fruit Loops-And Other Struggles of My Generation

This week, the NY Times reported that "Almost 40 percent of the millennials ... said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it."
So, Millennials, who by all reports, are causing the demise of the modern world, are too lazy to even make themselves a bowl of cereal.

As a Millennial, I would like to respond to this outrageous accusation by saying....that is absolutely freakin' correct. Damn straight I hate doing dishes. I don't have a dishwasher in the apartment which I rent. By the time they were my age, older generations owned houses in shiny suburbs complete with dishwashers so they could afford to lavishly use dishes. But times they are a changing. And I have literally reused the same wine glass for four days to drink both my nightly glass of wine and my morning breakfast orange juice out of. 
And in further response to this study, I have compiled a list of things that I and other lazy Millennials seeking instant gratification do in case they need to do further studies on our apparently fascinating habits. 

-- I order Grub Hub, buy a dinner I shovel into a cardboard box at Whole Foods, or wiggle my way into dinner invitations so I don't have to cook. Or do dishes. Or grocery shop.

-- I order anything and everything I can online so I don't have to go anywhere extra or engage in dreaded small talk conversations with people who work at check outs.

-- I establish levels of cleanliness when it comes to laundry. Jeans can hardly ever be dirty. 

-- I have gone weeks maybe months moving one lightbulb from room to room because I was too lazy/forgetful to actually get more lightbulbs. This rationale has also been applied when it comes to other key necessities. I have showered with dish soap.

-- I prefer to text in emojis so I don't have to use actual words to express myself. A cute little pile of poop picture is worth a thousand words. Plus, words can be so tricky and confusing, whereas you can't really take an emoji the wrong way. 

-- I have committed the act of ghosting where I pulled a Houdini-like disappearance act on someone I was dating so as to not have to deal with the dramatics and feelings conjured up by an actual break-up conversation. 

-- "Dressy" yoga pants? Sexy, tousled bed-head messy hair? You can thank Millennials for these chic looks. Fashion is less of a statement and more about leaving my bed with time for nothing and still getting to where I am going passably on time. And beards being cool for guys does double duty by masking both their laziness to shave and their being too lazy to work out by hiding their chubby cheeks.

-- I look back on the days when Netflix didn't just play the next episode automatically as the evil Dark Ages of having to roll over and use a remote. 

-- Sometimes I just opt to watch a rerun or re-watch a movie I've seen because I'm too lazy to commit to focusing on something new. 

-- I can't remember the last time I wasted my ever dwindling energy looking something up in a book, writing a check, putting a stamp on something and mailing it, or reading a paper newspaper or magazine. Why would I? The internet does all of that. Faster. And I don't have to even put on yoga pants or leave the couch.

-- I actually get quite anxious and angry waiting for anything from email and text responses to waiting on my Uber car. Waiting feels like wasted time. And yet I find no irony in or problem with taking 10 minutes to select a filter for my instagram post or spending 20 minutes googling the perfect gif to respond to a friend's status with. 

-- I may not like, and even resent, my time being wasted from waiting, but I love wasting my own time. See Alanis, that's irony. 

-- Nothing infuriates me more than waiting in line, slow wifi, and cell phone batteries dying. These all seem like unnecessary ways the universe is being cruel. They test my already failing patience to the brink. 

-- Nothing thrills me more than plans canceling. Even if it is with a friend. The wealth of time earned from canceled plans feels like I've won the lazy lottery. 

Yes. It's true. The struggle is real.
*Also, when it comes to making cereal, there is an extra step that I find so makes it worth it. Try pouring some Bailey's in your Cocoa Puffs. It's the true breakfast of champions. 

Valentines Schmalentines: A Gift Guide

It has been brought to my attention that this weekend is Valentine's Day. While I will not be celebrating this holiday as it is against my religion of Singledom which worships the cat deity while drinking blessed box wine, I have taken a moment to assemble the absolute best Valentine's day gifts you could present your sweetheart or just get for yourself.

Name a cockroach at Bronx Zoo after your ex or your current boy toy who gave you an annoying drug store stuffed animal that plays and sways to Elvis. 

Unfortunately, the printed certificate that comes packaged with chocolate is already sold out. But you can still name a cockroach and print your own certificate for only $10!

Your own inflatable man. This is a steal, at only $6.95. Getting this 60inch dude in his snappy fedora and Clark Gable pornstache will leave enough money in your pocket for you to take him out to a nice dinner.

 If you really want to use some magic to make that special person fall under your spell, you can book reservations to have a special Harry Potter Valentine's Dinner at the Warner Brother's lot in London where they filmed the movies. The experience includes Moar drinks, a 3 part meal, a studio tour, and a wand. Though according to the website, unfortunately, you may have to actually be a wizard to get into this sold out experience. They have published the menu online, which looks amazing, so you could try to recreate this at home. And no, putting the movies on in the background and wearing a a snuggie and witch hat probably isn't good enough.

If creating a wizarding world isn't happening in your living room, you can always venture to White Castle of Waffle House which are both accepting reservations for Valentine's Day. Or just give up and head to Dairy Queen for the Single Blizzard Treat.

If politics is what makes your heart pound, why not get these presidential candidate chocolates. A "yuge" box is $44.95. But also, let's hope that life is not like a box of chocolates, because according to an article talking about these in NY Daily News, it is reported Trump is the most popular when it comes to chocolate candidates. No thanks. I wouldn't even eat him.

Star Wars has reached new levels of popularity again and is everywhere. So if you have a droid loving sweetie who you want to woo into your Millenium Falcon for journeys to galaxies far, far away, then screw flowers, because you should be sending one of these spectacular Star Wars Bouquets for $60. I'd totally get excited by this.

Or, if you want to get a little bit more...personal, you could head to Target and get one of these Star Wars pool toys that look like some Darth In-Vader adult fun. Whoops.

You know what is totally not at all creepy. Having a planter portrait sculpted of you and your significant other made. You can turn yourselves into your own chia pet. Together. Forever.

And if you are the type who is into personalizing stuff with your face, you can also do that with your underpants and your condoms. 

I'm not a hand holder because I'm a not a toddler who needs to be kept safe from running out in traffic, thanks. Plus those hand holder people bragging about their love take up so much space on the sidewalk as I'm in a manic rush to get to where I'm going because I woke up (alone) with time for nothing. But now, if you are one of those hand holders, you can show everyone how truly annoying you and your Shmoopie are by getting this heart mitten. 

 But, really, sometimes a simple Making a Murderer card just says it all. 

Things That Look Like the Superbowl 50 Halftime Show

I have no interest in football. I do however love a good show. So obviously I tune into the Superbowl to catch the Halftime Show.
But this year's show, featuring Beyonce, Coldplay, and Bruno Mars, was....weird. Like acid trip weird, despite having a great message about love for everyone. But by the time the marching band and Beyonce and Bruno Mars were shaking it to "Uptown Funk," I found myself desperately wishing that the lights would just go out, like what happened the last time Queen Bey took over the Superbowl stage.

So in case you missed it, here are several images that pretty much perfectly will recreate it.

First of all, those three artists, while each good, just don't go together. This is the meal equivalent of what we had to digest on stage:

Granted, the mash up and dance off with Bruno Mars and Beyonce had potential to be cool, but it just really looked like this:

And Chris "Coldplay" Martin went from being waaay too hyped up to looking so left out and awkward once those other two got involved, it was like this:

But really, Beyonce's mane event was upstaging everything like this:

Her mane swirled around more than the trippy bouquet of Lisa Frank flowers dancing across the 50 yard line making the whole thing look like my fifth grade trapper keeper like this:

By the end of the show, we were left with just so much freakin over-stimulating color like this:

And the same uneasy feeling you get from watching a Rankin Bass cartoon like this:

Thanks Superbowl 50 for the rainbow musical mess. 

I'm actually shocked they couldn't find a place for Superbowl icon Left Shark in this many colored spectacle. 

Miss Universe's United Nations of Fashion

It's Sunday night, I'm bracing for Snowpocolypse 2015, and a half of bottle into wine when I stumble upon the Miss Universe Pageant on TV.
Beauty pageants that don't have Honey Boo and tantrums where flippers fall out are as uninteresting to me as sports game matches. But one minute into Donald Trump's Miss Universe and it became clear that this international hooker parade offered something of Olympic proportion with their cultural costumes. Game on, bitches.
Obviously these ladies all robed themselves in gowns featuring subtle, classy nuances that express what makes their homeland unique. Canada really nailed it, eh?

Scoreboard is the new scrunchie.

Canada wasn't alone in the use of an over the top fascinator to set that party mood. Some other favorites included:

Aruba's hooters

Peru's belt buckle (and angry bird cape)

And Indonesia's Maleficent

Good thing her invitation didn't get lost in the mail. I'd hate to think of the wrath she'd have on these other beauties.

It becomes clear it is go big or go home. I guess these girls have to do what they can to stand out and let you know where they are from because literally many of these beautiful girls look identical whether they are Indian or Dutch-I honestly can't tell. They are all tan with big pinterest hair and highlights. (Except Miss Jamaica and her daring pixie cut.)
But really, this night was more about feathers than anything. I imagine backstage to have looked like a chicken coup massacre. You had some real fowl play here with:

Jamaica's gay pride turkey

Nicaragua dressed as Disney World's Tiki Tiki Room

Belgium's no-armed spikey winged beach bird

And of course the good ol' USofA really showed how to fly like a patriotic eagle.

And this kind of bustle showgirl look went on and on with lots of feathers for everyone. I guess since Victoria's Secret has sexy angels, this pageant had to be different and use feathers for sexy birds.

But beyond the feathers, there were also some interesting use of props/accessories.

Bolivia wielded a glittery nerf sword.

British Virgin Isles brought all the genies for good luck.

You ain't never had a friend like me.

Japan made everyone nervous with a weapon that she shouldn't have been able to get past security.

While Hungary had a tiny little stuffed bunny.

I watched a "My Strange Obsession" about this kind of thing once.

At this point, it is clear anything goes. Anything. Even poor Miss Australia who clearly somehow lost her actual costume did ok by just taking some Crayola markers to a big round of cardboard and tying her hotel room drapes around her waist.

But at least she tried. Some girls seemed to miss the memo.

Like Miss Israel

And Miss Croatia who bought her dress at Forever 21.

Or that bitch from France who just threw on a beret with her ball gown because she is above all this.

And of course for all those who tried hard to resist this nonsensical push to be turned into a live action "It's a Small World" doll, there were several poor girls who ended up looking like the slutty Halloween costume version of their nationality.

Ok, Greece.

Ugh. Great Britain. I don't think the Queen approves.

Yikes, Nigeria.

And then there was the inexplicable and confusing multicultural muumuu from Korea.

Pretty much everyone of these stereotypical costumes bordered on offensive.

I mean for fuck's sake Germany was wearing a Berlin Wall snuggie. (And of course carrying some of the 99 Luftballons.) It's as if they said, "What do people think of when they think German? Like good stuff that won't make everyone nervous and hate us again."

And I guess Miss Germany couldn't just throw on a lederhosen and wear a beer stein because Miss Curacau already cornered the market on wearing a booze bottle.

There were some crazy, beautiful, cool looks that could make for some fierce America's Next Top Model high fashion photo shoots. I'd rate my top three smize-worthy as
The Venzuela tree

This goddess from India

And this prehistoric party from El Salvador

Yes, Miss Universe was truly pageantry at its finest.
Other than the costumes, I'd have to say the other big highlight for the evening was Miss Columbia (spoiler alert: the winner) saying that she wanted to pursue business so she could "produce and export Columbian products" thus confirming my suspicion that these girls are as smart as they are stylish.

Gone Girl

One time I met a guy online. This story ends with my brother (who was my roommate at the time) and I hiding on the floor of our apartment to pretend to not be home while that creep rang the door bell looking for me.

I know that according to all these happy people who find love from the internet that my story is allegedly the unlikely exception. But I have trouble believing that. I think it is a more unlikely exception for an online encounter to lead to a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks "You've Got Mail" happy ending.
And in defense of my suspicions, it was reported today that a young woman in England Tupac-ed herself, aka faked her own death to, get rid of a guy she met online.

She told the British paper The Mirror that after a couple dates, she tried to break it off, but he was either too obtuse or crazy to understand that, so he was continuing to message her things like, “I think we need to have a date tonight! I will be around your house in 30 minutes.” (NOOOO!) And since she probably got sick of laying on her floor with the lights off hiding from him, she decided to take the next logical step in dealing with unwanted attention-tell them you are dead.
Well, first she said she was sick. She didn't want to rush death unless it was absolutely necessary. But when this kindly and persistent prince wanted to rush to her bed side, most likely to see if his kiss could heal her, she had no choice but to kill herself off.
Here's how quickly the saga played out:

 

As you can see, after the text where he learned she was dead, "Bad Date," who was waiting desperately outside the hospital, was so distraught at the thought of not getting to sleep with her, turn her into a skin lamp in his apartment, or whatever his plans were, that he couldn't even muster up the words "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Maybe he suspected he was being lied to. But either way, lying about your death is probably a bad idea. And an even worse idea is to return to the dating sight where you met the person you lied to. Which is what happened with this young woman. And, predictably, she encountered "Bad Date" on there and he called her out on being alive in a "horrid message." I don't really have sympathy for her on that part.
So....yes. I will continue to avoid online dating because I'm just too busy to properly fake my own death right now.