Valentines Schmalentines: A Gift Guide

It has been brought to my attention that this weekend is Valentine's Day. While I will not be celebrating this holiday as it is against my religion of Singledom which worships the cat deity while drinking blessed box wine, I have taken a moment to assemble the absolute best Valentine's day gifts you could present your sweetheart or just get for yourself.

Name a cockroach at Bronx Zoo after your ex or your current boy toy who gave you an annoying drug store stuffed animal that plays and sways to Elvis. 

Unfortunately, the printed certificate that comes packaged with chocolate is already sold out. But you can still name a cockroach and print your own certificate for only $10!

Your own inflatable man. This is a steal, at only $6.95. Getting this 60inch dude in his snappy fedora and Clark Gable pornstache will leave enough money in your pocket for you to take him out to a nice dinner.

 If you really want to use some magic to make that special person fall under your spell, you can book reservations to have a special Harry Potter Valentine's Dinner at the Warner Brother's lot in London where they filmed the movies. The experience includes Moar drinks, a 3 part meal, a studio tour, and a wand. Though according to the website, unfortunately, you may have to actually be a wizard to get into this sold out experience. They have published the menu online, which looks amazing, so you could try to recreate this at home. And no, putting the movies on in the background and wearing a a snuggie and witch hat probably isn't good enough.

If creating a wizarding world isn't happening in your living room, you can always venture to White Castle of Waffle House which are both accepting reservations for Valentine's Day. Or just give up and head to Dairy Queen for the Single Blizzard Treat.

If politics is what makes your heart pound, why not get these presidential candidate chocolates. A "yuge" box is $44.95. But also, let's hope that life is not like a box of chocolates, because according to an article talking about these in NY Daily News, it is reported Trump is the most popular when it comes to chocolate candidates. No thanks. I wouldn't even eat him.

Star Wars has reached new levels of popularity again and is everywhere. So if you have a droid loving sweetie who you want to woo into your Millenium Falcon for journeys to galaxies far, far away, then screw flowers, because you should be sending one of these spectacular Star Wars Bouquets for $60. I'd totally get excited by this.

Or, if you want to get a little bit more...personal, you could head to Target and get one of these Star Wars pool toys that look like some Darth In-Vader adult fun. Whoops.

You know what is totally not at all creepy. Having a planter portrait sculpted of you and your significant other made. You can turn yourselves into your own chia pet. Together. Forever.

And if you are the type who is into personalizing stuff with your face, you can also do that with your underpants and your condoms. 

I'm not a hand holder because I'm a not a toddler who needs to be kept safe from running out in traffic, thanks. Plus those hand holder people bragging about their love take up so much space on the sidewalk as I'm in a manic rush to get to where I'm going because I woke up (alone) with time for nothing. But now, if you are one of those hand holders, you can show everyone how truly annoying you and your Shmoopie are by getting this heart mitten. 

 But, really, sometimes a simple Making a Murderer card just says it all. 

All the Single Ladies

As a single girl, I know it's hard out there. And even when you get a guy, dating is stressful.
Of course thanks to the internet, you can get all sorts of dating advice, like this amazing 1938 Dating Guide for Single Women. This vintage advice for dating still covers all of the mistakes girls are making in the modern world and shows how to date like a lady with dignity.

"Do your dressing in your boudoir" to "be ready to go" when he arrives. 

In other words, maintain some mystery. Be classy. Don't be the cow who just gives away her milk. Seriously, don't post a pre-date selfie of yourself half dressed in the bathroom to all your social medias.

 

"Makeup in privacy." 

Yes, let's stop doing our make up on the 2 Train. We've all been there-you're in a rush and running late, but attempting to put on a proper face on the train is as silly as opening a bottle of wine and saying you're having just one glass. Make up done in those conditions will always look like you drank that whole bottle of wine and that attempted a YouTube make up tutorial to look like a My Little Pony.

 

"Don't sit in awkward positions."

If it isn't sexy when Beyonce does it, you shouldn't even try.

"And if you must chew gum (not advised), do it silently, mouth closed."

Yes. Remember what happened to this obnoxious chewer? I'm pretty sure guys are not turned on by giant blueberries chomping like PacMan.

"Don't talk while dancing, for when a man dances he wants to dance."

Shut your mouth and let him get his groove on. Sometimes words can't express the gentle flirtations exchanged during dancing.

 

 "If you need a brassiere, wear one."

Perfect. Let's take this as reminder to stop with the side boobs. Stop trying to make glimpses of saggy beaver tail tits a sexy thing. Put on a bra. One that fits.

Also, take note to not tug at your girdle or, as it is known in modern terms, Spanx, in public. Actually NEVER let him see your Spanx for that matter. Especially getting into or out of the Spanx. This is all part of that feminine mystique we should be keeping.

"Don't be familiar with your escort....Any open show of affection is in bad taste."

Ugh, gross couples.

"Don't try to get him to say something he doesn't want to by working on his emotions. Men don't like tears."

Don't be a manipulative bitch or burst into a Real Housewives-eque dramatic fit at the bar. Both of these things are going to lead to you not having a date to take to your cousins wedding.

 

"Don't be familiar with the headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time."

"Remember when I was here last weekend with that super cute guy and we did all those shots? Well, we went back to his place and he had a swing! Yada yada yada I was tired all week...." Bad idea. Look how sad Kanye looks. Don't make your man sad like Kanye.

"Don't talk about clothes or try to describe your new gown to a man."

 

Truth. Even if your fairy godmother flew in and made a sparkling dress and some glass Manolas appear out of thin air for you, your man doesn't want to hear about it. Save it for a a chat with your sassy gay best friend.

"Don't drink too much."

Because this:

You look crazy

 You look a mess

 You look like Courtney Love

"The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again."

Wait, let's first look at this scene in the picture. The girl is passed out drunk with legs sprawled while her unhappy date pays the bill.  Meanwhile that head waiter she was so chatty with before is looking far too excited about it all. Maybe he was in on it. She lures men to his restaurant and then orders expensive meals like lobster and lots of liquor to plump up the tab. That little minx.

 But seriously ladies, don't get drunk and pass out. Especially if you met the guy on the internet....plus he may try to steal your dog.

So this shows that despite the fact that the world we live in now is so different from the world of nearly 100 years ago, humans don't change. Girls will be sloppy girls and not ladies. Doesn't this make you want to talk to your grandmother on a whole different level? Bet she has some stories..... But come on single ladies, get your act together.