Valentines Schmalentines: A Gift Guide

It has been brought to my attention that this weekend is Valentine's Day. While I will not be celebrating this holiday as it is against my religion of Singledom which worships the cat deity while drinking blessed box wine, I have taken a moment to assemble the absolute best Valentine's day gifts you could present your sweetheart or just get for yourself.

Name a cockroach at Bronx Zoo after your ex or your current boy toy who gave you an annoying drug store stuffed animal that plays and sways to Elvis. 

Unfortunately, the printed certificate that comes packaged with chocolate is already sold out. But you can still name a cockroach and print your own certificate for only $10!

Your own inflatable man. This is a steal, at only $6.95. Getting this 60inch dude in his snappy fedora and Clark Gable pornstache will leave enough money in your pocket for you to take him out to a nice dinner.

 If you really want to use some magic to make that special person fall under your spell, you can book reservations to have a special Harry Potter Valentine's Dinner at the Warner Brother's lot in London where they filmed the movies. The experience includes Moar drinks, a 3 part meal, a studio tour, and a wand. Though according to the website, unfortunately, you may have to actually be a wizard to get into this sold out experience. They have published the menu online, which looks amazing, so you could try to recreate this at home. And no, putting the movies on in the background and wearing a a snuggie and witch hat probably isn't good enough.

If creating a wizarding world isn't happening in your living room, you can always venture to White Castle of Waffle House which are both accepting reservations for Valentine's Day. Or just give up and head to Dairy Queen for the Single Blizzard Treat.

If politics is what makes your heart pound, why not get these presidential candidate chocolates. A "yuge" box is $44.95. But also, let's hope that life is not like a box of chocolates, because according to an article talking about these in NY Daily News, it is reported Trump is the most popular when it comes to chocolate candidates. No thanks. I wouldn't even eat him.

Star Wars has reached new levels of popularity again and is everywhere. So if you have a droid loving sweetie who you want to woo into your Millenium Falcon for journeys to galaxies far, far away, then screw flowers, because you should be sending one of these spectacular Star Wars Bouquets for $60. I'd totally get excited by this.

Or, if you want to get a little bit more...personal, you could head to Target and get one of these Star Wars pool toys that look like some Darth In-Vader adult fun. Whoops.

You know what is totally not at all creepy. Having a planter portrait sculpted of you and your significant other made. You can turn yourselves into your own chia pet. Together. Forever.

And if you are the type who is into personalizing stuff with your face, you can also do that with your underpants and your condoms. 

I'm not a hand holder because I'm a not a toddler who needs to be kept safe from running out in traffic, thanks. Plus those hand holder people bragging about their love take up so much space on the sidewalk as I'm in a manic rush to get to where I'm going because I woke up (alone) with time for nothing. But now, if you are one of those hand holders, you can show everyone how truly annoying you and your Shmoopie are by getting this heart mitten. 

 But, really, sometimes a simple Making a Murderer card just says it all. 

Time to Show Your Love

Tomorrow is the big day.  

 

Here are some great last minute gift tips. And in case you have intentions to make me your last minute Valentine, these are the only gifts I will be accepting.

Diamond-encrusted heart-soled stilettos
Price: $116,000

 From British designer Christopher Michael Shellis. I refuse to go out unless these are on my feet.

A chocolate portrait of my face
Price: about $85-150

From company Choc-Edge, it is created with a machine similar to a 3D printer that uses a digital image to create this thick layered chocolate. Until I am eating my own face, I will not be happy.

A "Balthazar" of Bordeaux.
Price: $195,000

Only sold in a wine shop in the Dubai International Airport, this 12 liter bottle of wine also comes with a first class ticket to France for a private tour of its Chateau Margaux vineyard and dinner with the winemaker. That and the fact that it is 12 liters make that price seem absolutely reasonable. I refuse to get red wine mouth from sipping any other wine but this.

A bouquet of Kadapul flowers

Price: Considered Priceless

You've never heard of the Kadapul flower? You are a peasant. This rare flower is actually a form of a cactus and is only found in dark hidden places in Sri Lanka. It blossoms at night and emanates a beautiful, calming fragrance. But tragically, once it picked, it only lasts a couple of hours. Do not even attempt to give me plain old roses. 

A gilded greeting card

Price: $5000

These personalized cards from Miami-based Gilded Age Greetings are hand painted on calf vellum and adorned with diamonds, rubies, and sapphires with 23 karat gold lettering. Forget licking an envelope, you can save your tongue for other things. This masterpiece comes in its own silk box with complimentary silk gloves for handling. Screw you Hallmark.

Big Hunka Love Diamond Bear
Price: $29,999

There's only one of these available?! It better be mine. This 4 1/2 foot Vermont Teddy Bear Company bear is "stuffed with more than enough love to last a lifetime." (Which is great, because a lifetime is undoubtedly longer than our relationship will last so I'll still have someone to hug when I've left you to live in poverty from showering me with ridiculous lavish gifts.) Anyway, this cuddly friend in his "romantic red velvet bowtie" comes with a "wow factor" which is a hunka burnin' love "fire rose" diamond flanked by two smaller diamonds making it over 5 carats of poop colored diamond. Do the pajamas matching the red velvet bowtie come with it too? If they don't, you better find those too, otherwise this teddy is going in the trash.


And I'm telling you cheapskates right now, if you wait until the 15th none of these will be marked down like those bags of candy hearts.....And no lame excuses about it being canceled due to weather.

So here's hoping your Valentine's Day is the lavish kind that makes everyone feel envious of you on facebook. Because that's what it's all about right?

I Hate Valentine's Day and Now You Will Too.

Much of the Northeast is covered in nothing less than 40 feet of snow which means as a shut in,  I have had plenty of time today to peruse the interwebs to find things to write about.
And this is what I decided you most needed to know about. You are welcome and I'm sorry.
Japanese women are allegedly tweeting about creating love potion chocolates for their Valentines using special ingredients such as period blood and hair.
Now, because of the absurdity of this, many have been speculating about the veracity of this disgusting trend, let's assume for a moment that what we read is true.

While, I find this absolutely revolting, and truthfully am questioning whether I'll be able to eat chocolate in the near future, I am also intrigued. Maybe this is why I am single this Valentine's Day -and all other Valentine's Day in recent past. Maybe, since I haven't been making chocolate spiked with my menstrual blood for my boyfriends, they leave me because they don't have a part of me inside them. That must be it.
The Japanese call homemade chocolate gifts for men "honmei choco," and they don't always have to have secret ingredients included. But when you read the tweets of these girls (in the article in link above) about what they are putting in their chocolate and why they are doing it-you will be scared.
It's weird that chocolate, the great savior of my PMS pain, is now being made into something disgusting that is giving me stomach pains. Why? Don't take chocolate from me!
Anyway, this concept, is not new. Historically, and throughout many cultures, a woman's period is considered sacred and powerful. In Cherokee tradition, menstrual blood can destroy a woman's enemies. And in Africa, menstrual blood is used in powerful magical charms. So it does not seem too far off base that women would use the blood and power of their V to try to cast a V-Day love spell.
Still, I am pretty sure that if I was a dude in Japan (or anywhere really), I would avoid the consumption of any and all chocolate gifts. Just in case. Stick to those conversation hearts. Period.

 *Also, I hope this post has effectively helped ruin this cheezy, overrated holiday for everyone.

In Which I Prove Valentine's Day is as Bad as a Lifetime Movie

So yesterday was Valentine's Day. The most contrived and nauseating of all holidays. And now, thanks to the modern marvels of social media, I was forced to be informed about every bouquet of flowers, every teddy bear, and all five of the Valentine engagements among friends and acquaintances.
But the day wasn't all roses and bright balloons floating high on sugar and love if you were reading the news. In fact, the news helped prove that this day, or more importantly, love in general isn't always so sweet. If anything, it all seems more like a Lifetime movie, you get sucked into it by accident, it's poorly executed, and has an unbelievable and contrived plot. To further support my theory-just wait and you'll see yesterday's Valentine's Day headlines will be Lifetime movie plots within the year.
Here they are-your headlines of love gone wrong, filled with drama, murder, intrigue, and the potential for starring role appearances by actors you thought you'd never hear from again.


Olympic and Paralympic bionic man track star Oscar Pistorius was charged with murder after his model girlfriend was shot and killed at his home in South Africa early Valentine's morning. Another hero falls. This Lifetime movie will be titled "Running Into A Wall" with the tagline "How rage ruined it all for a hero athlete."

Meanwhile, in Argentina, we have a 23 year old women, Edith Casas, who yesterday had a Valentine's Day wedding to Victor Cingolani, a man convicted and serving jail time for killing her twin sister Johana more than two years ago. This Lifetime movie (if this outrageous story hasn't already been one) would simply be called "My Sister's Killer."

And finally, we have the on-going drama of what happened to Sarai Sierra, a mom from Staten Island who took off on a mysterious photography trip to Turkey and ended up murdered, her body discovered among the ancient city walls. Valentine's Day was the day her husband proposed to her, and now, as her wake is being held, he is facing the mysteries of whether or not she had an affair with a Turkish man in a bar bathroom, who this homeless man Z is that may be involved in her death, and what she was really doing  and involved with overseas. This Lifetime movie will be called "Picture Perfect," and they will obviously play up that she was a perfect housewife with a secret life as a spy posing as a novice photographer.