It's the Great Gross Pumpkin

I am still clinging to summer. It is warm enough out and we have a long winter ahead of us. Why rush? I hate when September hits and everyone pushes into fall, or even worse-the holidays. It fills me with sadness. It is like seeing a child acting like a grown up. Carefree childhood, like the heat of summer, is the shortest most magical time, everyone should cling to it, because we have so much more time to wear coats and worry.
But, thanks to the bizarre obsession with freaking pumpkin spice, everyone is all about fall.
You can get pumpkin everything. But do you really need to?
Honestly, I'm not a fan of pumpkin. Actually the smell of carving a pumpkin at Halloween literally makes me gag. So I just don't get the "basic bitch" obsession with the parade of pumpkin products.
And I'm noticing this year there is even more than the usual latte and candle out there.  Although, we can all breath a sigh of relief that the Durex Pumpkin Spice flavored condoms were in fact an internet hoax. But you can get:

Obviously Pumpkin Pie vodka

Pumpkin Spice Jello Pudding

This is perhaps the most odd of all to me-
Pumpkin Spice Whey Protein Supplement

For gym rats to post pumpkin spice protein shake fall "healthies?" Or this guy? He definitely is into that.

Oh, even your precious pooch get in on the action
With Pumpkin Spice Dog Treats. What the hell?

 Instead of regular buttery spread, you can switch over to this for the season
Country Crock Pumpkin Spice

The worst is you are right now probably thinking how putting Pumpkin Spice spread on your pumpkin muffin or pumpkin bread along with your Pumpkin Spice Latte would be delicious and not at all overkill. Just No.


These might be the most palpable of this crazy pumpkin spice patch-
Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.

Pumpkin Spice M&Ms

These just look gross. Even the M&M guy on the bag looks upset about this.

Pumpkin Spice Oreos were inevitable

Admittedly, this recipe for brownies with them does seem ok.

Definitely not ok, is smelling like pumpkin wearing this Bath and Body Works Sweet Pumpkin spray.

And worst of all, is going as Pumpkin Spice for Halloween in this ridiculous costume.

All of this pumpkin makes me feel like this:

Let's just please stop this nonsense now.

This Pumpkin Season Have Your Pants Scared Off

When you walk down the streets, pumpkins crowd the sidewalk outside markets and in every coffee shop and bar pumpkin drinks are pushed. It's definitely fall.

And everyone knows the hallmark of the fall season is Halloween. Though you may be too old to trick or treat, you are never too old to celebrate the holiday-or watch Hocus Pocus a thousand times. And other than the opportunity to unleash your inner slutty with your "costume," the best part of celebrating this holiday is to get scared. Admit it, we all watch horror movies-especially the cheezey ones-and think about what we would do if we were being chased by a homicidal maniac wearing a Porky the Pig mask through an abandoned asylum. The thrill of being scared is strangely exhilarating.

But after a while, the same tricks just don't treat you. There are only so many haunted houses and haunted hayrides you can experience. You know the deal, that poor actor just waiting for his big chance on Broadway who is paying the bills by wearing a Jason mask and slashing a chain saw in your face. Yes, this experience just isn't giving you those thrills it did back in junior high.
Well luckily, there's a new brand of haunted house that is sure to send chills down your spine. Head to Sinking Spring, PA where the town name already creeps me out as my mind jumps to an image of sinkholes. But regardless of that, this town has a "Naked and Scared Challenge" which is a haunted house that from midnight on dares the visitors to get completely naked to experience the walk through total darkness in the house filled with things and characters jumping out at the completely vulnerably naked you. A haunted house after midnight in complete darkness filled with screaming, naked people. Sounds both titillating and terrifying.
Oh, and if naked is just too scary for you, there is a pre-midnight "prude" version where you can wear underwear.
I commend this haunted house's attempt to enter a new frontier in terror. And, according to an interview with its creator in the New York Daily News, I was correct that this venture was inspired by "Naked and Afraid"- the Discovery Channel's summer reality show I was obsessed with which takes two strangers, one male and one female, and places them in an exotic and challenging wilderness survival quest totally naked and with no tools, food, or belongings. Truly terrifying stuff. Being naked in the wilderness or jungle? Nope. Just watch the episode where the woman has her period on a harsh tropic island and is naked, with no food (aka no comfort chocolate), and is with a strange man who spends most of the time whimpering about the sunburn on his privates. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.
Anyway, if you really want to get into the fall spirit, grab your pumpkin spiced latte, get in the car, and road trip to Shocktoberfest in Sinking Springs, PA and scare your pants off-literally. Would make a great date night.