Vajamas Will Change Everything

I am the Anna Wintour of lounge wear. From snuggies to hoodies to simply wearing the bed comforter, I am up to date on the newest trends in couch fashion and I effortlessly make lounge wear look chic while stretched in elegant repose on the couch.
So, darlings, it is my duty to alert other cushion-istas to the newest in lounge pants-the Vajamas. They are so hot they are selling out their pre-orders! These unisex (despite the seemingly feminine name reference), drawstring (a comfy choice for expansion when couch binging) pants are made of "vagisoft" a synthetic fleece fabric that makes them, as stated on their website, "quite possibly the softest pants on the planet." Well, I'm sold. Even though the term "vagisoft" to me seems better suited for some sort of high absorbency tampon.
But how can one determine an item to be the softest on the planet? Luckily the creators of Vajamas, Betabrand, had researchers who developed this brilliant "Soft-O-Meter" that can detect and compare the density of 'softrons,' the subatomic units of softness.

We've all heard of a sweater as soft as "a baby's bottom," well apparently that's crap. Baby's bottom soft is like a burlap sack filled with sand. And being up the butt of a silkworm? That would feel like being in a tiny twin bed with low thread count sheets covered in crumbs. And if you thought a cotton field in heaven or the warm pouch of a magical kangaroo made of clouds were places you'd like to sit and cuddle while taking in a marathon of Pawn Stars, then think again moron, because you may as well be sitting on a plastic lawn chair in a polyester wet suit with an itchy skin rash if you aren't wearing Vagisoft. So the only thing softer than the fabric of these perfect pants is being in the womb of a marshmallow mermaid. Well obviously tomorrow in yoga when I go to my happy place, it will be into that marshmallow mermaid's womb. But back to these Vagisoft fabric Vajamas. I need them. And as if their reading on the "Soft-O-Meter" wasn't proof enough, check out the marketing images:

This picture says these pants are like cuddling with the fluff of baby chickens. In fact they're probably even softer. I'm not sure, but I think that one chicken looks pissed and it has to be because they realized that their yellow fluff provided by nature is nothing compared to these pants.

These pants are like a cloud. They are truly heavenly fabric of the gods. Look at the divine rays of light surrounding you when you nap away the afternoons of your prime years in them. Gods will not smite you for committing the mortal sin of sloth in these.

Bunnies. You thought they were soft? No. You were a fool. Even the velvety bunny wants to get in these pants.

And what about the highest authority on laziness and cuddling? What does the cat have to say about these Vajamas?

Just look at that cat's face-it says it all. It says "I never thought I'd say this but I wish I could wear those pants so I too could have the feeling of being cuddled at all times." (Or it's gasping for air saying "Sweetheart, get out of these ugly sweatpants and get a boyfriend to cuddle instead of me you pathetic loser." But I'm pretty sure it's the first one and that these sweats are perfect.)
It's all marketing genius with these Vajamas. I'm not even questioning for a second that my $85 dollars could be spent in a better way.