Vajamas Will Change Everything

I am the Anna Wintour of lounge wear. From snuggies to hoodies to simply wearing the bed comforter, I am up to date on the newest trends in couch fashion and I effortlessly make lounge wear look chic while stretched in elegant repose on the couch.
So, darlings, it is my duty to alert other cushion-istas to the newest in lounge pants-the Vajamas. They are so hot they are selling out their pre-orders! These unisex (despite the seemingly feminine name reference), drawstring (a comfy choice for expansion when couch binging) pants are made of "vagisoft" a synthetic fleece fabric that makes them, as stated on their website, "quite possibly the softest pants on the planet." Well, I'm sold. Even though the term "vagisoft" to me seems better suited for some sort of high absorbency tampon.
But how can one determine an item to be the softest on the planet? Luckily the creators of Vajamas, Betabrand, had researchers who developed this brilliant "Soft-O-Meter" that can detect and compare the density of 'softrons,' the subatomic units of softness.

We've all heard of a sweater as soft as "a baby's bottom," well apparently that's crap. Baby's bottom soft is like a burlap sack filled with sand. And being up the butt of a silkworm? That would feel like being in a tiny twin bed with low thread count sheets covered in crumbs. And if you thought a cotton field in heaven or the warm pouch of a magical kangaroo made of clouds were places you'd like to sit and cuddle while taking in a marathon of Pawn Stars, then think again moron, because you may as well be sitting on a plastic lawn chair in a polyester wet suit with an itchy skin rash if you aren't wearing Vagisoft. So the only thing softer than the fabric of these perfect pants is being in the womb of a marshmallow mermaid. Well obviously tomorrow in yoga when I go to my happy place, it will be into that marshmallow mermaid's womb. But back to these Vagisoft fabric Vajamas. I need them. And as if their reading on the "Soft-O-Meter" wasn't proof enough, check out the marketing images:

This picture says these pants are like cuddling with the fluff of baby chickens. In fact they're probably even softer. I'm not sure, but I think that one chicken looks pissed and it has to be because they realized that their yellow fluff provided by nature is nothing compared to these pants.

These pants are like a cloud. They are truly heavenly fabric of the gods. Look at the divine rays of light surrounding you when you nap away the afternoons of your prime years in them. Gods will not smite you for committing the mortal sin of sloth in these.

Bunnies. You thought they were soft? No. You were a fool. Even the velvety bunny wants to get in these pants.

And what about the highest authority on laziness and cuddling? What does the cat have to say about these Vajamas?

Just look at that cat's face-it says it all. It says "I never thought I'd say this but I wish I could wear those pants so I too could have the feeling of being cuddled at all times." (Or it's gasping for air saying "Sweetheart, get out of these ugly sweatpants and get a boyfriend to cuddle instead of me you pathetic loser." But I'm pretty sure it's the first one and that these sweats are perfect.)
It's all marketing genius with these Vajamas. I'm not even questioning for a second that my $85 dollars could be spent in a better way.

Too Cold For Murder in NYC But You Can Always Go On Match.com

Earlier this week I addressed the fact that this freezing cold weather made me just want to hibernate in my snuggie. Well apparently, I'm not the only one. Murderers feel the same way. Newsday reported that according to the NYPD, New York City went for the entire past week without any murders. Retired NYPD Det. Sgt. Joseph Giacalone, who is an adjunct professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, was quoted as saying "The best cop I met was a female and her name was Mother Nature. The bad weather, the cold weather -- there are less people out on the streets so there is less chance of victimization." Makes perfect sense to me. Good to know that if I have to venture out into that artic I have less chance of ending up dead. Unless I slipped on the ice, hitting my head, and got rendered unconscious and left there for hours in the cold....not that I sit around worrying about crazy hypotheticals like that or anything.
But what I do worry about is online dating. Yep, I'm going to rant about that some more. Because while I'm seeing that murder is down this week due to the cold, I also read about a women who was a victim of attempted murder thanks to a Match.com meet up. She met a guy on the site, went out with him for a week, decided he wasn't the lid to her pot and broke up with him. He then broke into her house and stabbed her multiple times and then stomped on her head. When police arrived, she says "he said he wasn't there to hurt me, he was there to kill me. His intent was to kill me that night." Yikes. But pull up your blankets, because this tale gets more chilling. Somehow, after this incident this psycho was not in jail and got back onto Match.com and met up with another woman who he did kill. He then did go to jail.

Are you terrified of online dating yet? Catfishing is the least of our problems. The woman who survived that harrowing experience is understandably suing Match.com. She claims that they need to put a warning on their site similar to the warning found on cigarettes. I'm all for that. But she claims that "one in five users are part of an attempted murder." One in five?! That seemed an outrageously and terrifyingly high statistic. But then I thought, just this fall a woman reported being raped by a Match.com date, and of course there was that woman who reported being matched to James Holmes, the man responsible for the Colorado movie theatre shooting last summer.
Yep, that's three huge examples of danger from Match.com. Well four actually considering the man who attempted to murder that woman did actually murder another woman. So really I think it's more of only a one in five chance that you wouldn't get murdered by someone Match.com.
So in conclusion, I really am just safer staying inside in my Snuggie and single. 

Cuddle Couture: Don't Fight It

It's cold. And it's only going to get worse. My cell phone's weather app shows an icon of a cracked iced-over, plummeting blue thermometer for the next two days. Just seeing that sends me into a dark place of Seasonal Affective Disorder depression. How can I be expected to be productive and leave my warm couch for the bitter bitch slap of the chilly world? I just can't. I just want to be cuddled up in hibernation until May.

So I broke out my snuggie. It's very stylish and leopard print. And I love to accessorize it with my favorite kind of wine-large. But just as I was about to put my arms through those forgiving bell sleeves that allow me to stay warm while doing the important things, like sipping wine and using the remote, I realized, this snuggie is so last season! How embarrassing. And that of course led me on a quest through the interwebs to find the newest innovations and styles in couch cuddling fashions. Because obviously you don't want to be caught watching marathons of Law and Order: SVU and Monk reruns wearing last season's Snuggie.
So I present to you Hibernation Fashion Week for Winter 2013.

First down the runway is the line of the classic Snuggie re-envisioned to express your personality with fun characters such as super heroes. You can indulge your inner child while curling up on the couch. It's perfect for hiding your winter weight gain behind the chiseled muscles and perfect curves of Wonder Woman.

 Available in many characters including Superman, Batman, Rainbow Brite, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course Cookie Monster.....which is perfect for binge eating in.

Next, we have another whimsical choice in couch wear that, while keeping the design of the classic Snuggie, makes the brilliant decision of adding a hood, because as you know, heat escapes through your head. So why not unleash your inner tiger blood and slip into this and pull up the hood. So sexy. Every man loves a tiger in the bedroom.

Now, just as frustrating as being wrapped in a blanket and not being able to use your arms is, I find it more frustrating to be dealing with cold feet. Sure that snuggie keeps you all warm and you can walk around in it, but those chilly little piggies are never covered. So the newest invention of the Nuddle has that covered. It's a wrap blanket that has pockets for your feet. That's right, just like this picture from their website shows, who cares that you got all dressed up, kick off your red heels and forget going out, just sit yourself down and tuck your feet into your Nuddle. Your social life can wait until the summer.

And of course this leads us to possibly the best solution to keeping yourself single and all toasty and wrapped up in fleece-the Forever Lazy. It's got it all: sleeves, a hood, a trap door for when nature calls. Perfect. Really whether you are a shut in or even if you do need to leave your house this winter, you should probably just wear this. At all times. And don't worry about those cold feet-this comes with matching booties. And it comes in great, flattering colors-like hot pink.

With the season's cuddle fashion choices like this, the frigid temperatures, the shortened hours of daylight, and so much to discover on Netflix--why leave the house? In fact, the thought of leaving the house makes me think of that commercial for the anti-depression medication where the woman is being stalked by her aggressive cuddle wear who just wants her to slip inside him and never leave. That's all my Snuggie wants too, and maybe it's Stockholm syndrome, but I think it's for the best. Don't fight it.