Happy Cheeze Day!

A totally legit holiday.
Because we all love cheese. It is the bond that binds us all. Like the gooey warm cheese holding together two pieces of bread.

But as much as cheese has the power to unite us, it can also tear us apart. There are few betrayals worse than someone eating your cheese.

Things get real. Fast.
Remember that woman who tried to poison her family because they ate her cheese? A part of me sympathized with her crazy in a way I've never understood crazy before.

Don't act like you don't get it. The Huffington Post reported today in honor of National Cheese Lover's Day that The American Cheese Society says that "in any given twelve-week period, approximately one-third of the population of the United States will eat macaroni and cheese at least once." Those are a lot of numbers and math to say that right now, you are probably reading this while eating some Mac & Cheese. Probably Kraft. Shaped like Sponge Bob. And you're 30. But feel no shame.

There is just no such thing as too much cheese.

In these destitute, dreary months of winter, as I hibernate and fantasize vacations, my couch naps bring dreams of escapes that not just involve the yellow glow of sunshine, but the yellow glow of cheese.

And even if I can't afford to escape the cold and take off on a quest for exotic cheese, we all know how luxurious the simple indulgence of snuggling up with night cheese is.

Cheese is great in all it's forms. From the highest end, fancy cheese where one tiny triangle costs as much as all the other groceries you are buying that day, to that suspiciously bright orange "cheese" powder that covers the balls that come in a giant plastic jar that after a long day you just want to go home and have your way with.

Cheese just makes you happy. Why do you think that when people go to take a picture they say "cheese?"

Sure it physically forces your mouth smile to say cheese, but really it makes your soul smile too. We don't say "peas." Nope. Those little green buggers that always manage to go rogue and infiltrate your freezer would not lead you smize with flair.

And while we are on the topic of smiling, it is worth adding the fun fact that some cheeses, like like mozzarella, cheddar, Swiss and American, help prevent tooth decay and protect tooth enamel because they promote the flow of saliva leading to elimination of sugar and acids from the mouth. This means less trauma at the dentist. Cheese just keeps being awesome.

Just start brushing with Cheeze Whiz.

Archaeological studies say cheese has been around since 6000 BC. And last year, a Chinese mummy was found to have been buried with its precious cheese. Makes perfect sense. I don't even want to think about an eternity that does not include cheese.

 Now, sure, when I encounter cheese in public it can get embarrassing.

Especially since my cheese consumption is most likely escalating in direct correlation with my wine consumption....

But on this one special holiday, that kind of behavior is ok!
Today is my Thanksgiving! I shall eat all the cheeses! And so should you!

May the Force Be With You

We live in crazy, amazing times. We have pocket gadgets that immediately give us more information than we ever really need. We can contact people at any time, anywhere. We can control things in our house, like lamps, with these gadgets. This is craziness. And it keeps getting better.
Now that gadget can control you.

This is the Pavlok wrist band. It "turns your resolutions to reality." You program your goals into the linked app on your smart phone and decide what happens if you don't achieve them. You could charge yourself a fine OR you can use the Force and have it give you an electric shock.

While administering shock therapy to yourself seems a bit extreme, I actually think I could use one of these to really get my life on track. We claim jolts are humane and effective when we use the tactic with dogs.

So here's what I'll be setting my Pavlok to shock me for.

1. Laziness

 2. Failure to be an adult who does laundry. Seriously it is not ok to be wearing a bathing suit as underwear.

3. Procrastination in general deserves punishment.

4. As does spending hours on the internet doing anything like the following: Pinterest pinning braids and fancy dinners I'll never make, WebMD researching rashes, stalking my ex-boyfriend from college and any of the girls he's dated since, and looking up toys I had as a child on ebay to see how rich I'd be if I had never taken She-Ra out of her package.

5. Staying up all night to marathon shows on Netflix.

6. Sleeping late from pressing snooze like 4 times until I finally, using the always misleading morning logic, re-set my alarm for a time that makes it impossible to get where I have to be on time unless I really do just show up in pajamas.

7. Binge eating.

8. Binge drinking.

9. Not working out.

10. Making and keeping regular dentist appointments. Because as not awesome as the experience there is, future me really won't want the ramifications of blowing those off.

11. Straying from the shopping list in the grocery store.

So pretty much next year when this torture device is released, everything will change. I will have it so together. I will be on a path like a Jedi. Even if I'm pretty much constantly walking around like this:

May the force be with you.

Tax Day

Tax Day. My pictorial essay of the experience.


Denial.

Yep. I've got everything under control.

Avoidance.

Nope. Just one more episode of Law and Order: SVU and one Buzzfeed quiz and then I'm going to have lunch.

Panic.

Yikes. The day has arrived and I can't even find my 1099s. Did I use them as toilet paper?

Acceptance of the idea that you are going to Federal Prison.

It's ok. Maybe I'll write a best seller and get a tv show. Actually this could get my life on track. I'll get to eat meals, work out, meet new people.....

More panic.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Desperation.

Help me.

Self-loathing.

I have a college degree. Why can't I figure this out? How do I owe so much money? I need to re-evaluate my whole existence. 

Driving hours home to get your Dad to help.

I didn't think I could feel worse.

Finally getting them done.

Bam. Take that IRS.

Followed by the realization that thanks to what you had to pay the government, life as you know it is over, as you are now too poor to go anywhere, see anybody, or do anything.

While I'm home at my parents I should start raiding my room for old toys to put on ebay.

But at least I can post this cool badge on my social media to let everyone know I am #winning.

Seriously? Are they mocking me?

Fin.

A Thank You to Tina Fey for Allowing Us All to Come Out as Lizbeians

Tonight we say goodbye to Liz Lemon and her motley crew of NBC's "30 Rock."
It's been 7 seasons with brilliant writing. Interestingly in her autobiography, Bossypants, Tina Fey says,
"Though we are grateful for the affection 30 Rock has received from critics and hipsters, we were actually trying to make a hit show. We weren’t trying to make a low-rated critical darling that snarled in the face of conventionality. We were trying to make Home Improvement and we did it wrong. You know those scientists who were developing a blood-pressure medicine and they accidentally invented Viagra? We were trying to make Viagra and we ended up with blood-pressure medicine.”
Though this show may not have done what it set out to do, it, and it's creator, Tina Fey, did a lot for me, and many other smart girls out there who are just trying to have it all.
Fey's alter-ego-protagonist of "30 Rock," Liz Lemon, is perhaps the most relatable character for the liberal, modern, single woman ever written. As Jack described her, she is "a "New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single-and-pretending-to-be-happy-about-it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover and every two years you take up knitting for...a week." She is a feminist, an environmentalist, committed to her career, a binge eater, and a neurotic mess plagued by awkwardness, body-issues, and the overall belief that she is smarter than the majority of people around her.Yep, I know I'm not alone in saying that I was all too glad to embrace a heroine like Liz Lemon who made it ok to admit to so many things-like being a Star Wars loving geek who is afraid of slipping getting out of the shower and would love a man to buy her mozzarella sticks at the bar or just go home and eat some night cheese. Sure there are girls out there who are a "Jenna" or a "Cerie," but they didn't need this show to find validation in being who they were. Liz Lemon is a character who will forever change how women accept themselves, much like how a show like "Roseanne" allowed families who weren't the Waltons or the Cosbys embrace and laugh at their own imperfections.
I, like Liz Lemon, always had an unrealistically inflated self opinion that led me to proudly strut when I should probably have crawled into a dark closet. But even I have found such solace in knowing that simply being yourself is awesome and that I am not alone in my passionate quest to just have a good sandwich and a handsome man and perfect career. There's a whole facebook fan page called 'I am Liz Lemon' where women share posts about the endless funny things they have in common with the character. And it's interesting to think, just 8 years ago, many women would not have felt pride or been comfortable sharing things like they pee when they laugh, they wear spanx, or that their idea of an awesome nooner would be going home and eating pancakes for lunch. But Liz Lemon, really Tina Fey, made it ok and cool to be weird. And that is something so wonderful and freeing. It's like she gave an entire generation the best gift ever, the kind of gift that could make you 'Jack' with excitement.
Lemon said it best when she said "I support women. I'm like a human bra."
So congratulations and thank you Tina Fey for being that human bra supporting us and making it easier for us all to come out as Lizbeians and letting us know that in doing so, we really can have it all.

Little Liz Lemon

All the world is abuzz today about babies thanks to Kate Middleton being pregnant. And while the offspring of pretty much anyone, famous or not, doesn't tend to excite me, I was excited to find out that Tina Fey's young daughter, Alice, played young Liz Lemon on the recent episode of "30 Rock!"

 

And she was perfect. Snarky, awkward, and hilarious. So pretty much everything you'd expect from having a mom like Tina Fey. With 30 Rock ending this season, maybe Tina Fey is testing out her mini me for some future collaborations/world domination. A 30 Rock prequel with young Liz Lemon? I'd watch it.