Baby There's a Shark on the Subway

Shark Week is taking over.

That's a dead shark on a Queens bound N train here in the city early this morning as reported on Huffington Post. The MTA confirmed the incident saying there was a "shark aboard the train in car #8994" and it was disposed of. The MTA spokesman, when asked about this bizarre occurance, said that this "looks like a really good promo for Shark Week on Discovery Channel."
There's no escaping Shark Week.

Liar Liar

This is really a cautionary tale.
If you are anything like me, as soon as you see those red and blue swirling lights in your rear view mirror and hear the ominous 'whoop whoop,' your mind begins turning as you concoct your plan of defense in dealing with the officer who is about to ticket you.
Well, apparently, when spinning your web of lies, keep in mind that you are not dealing with Chief Wiggum:

Or any of these guys.
Because you certainly don't want to end up like Carley Williams of New Hampshire who lied to the state trooper who pulled her over for going 82mph in a 65mph zone. She told Trooper Christopher Cummings that she was speeding to get to her dying father's bedside in the hospital. And maybe this young woman should have considered a career in acting, because her performance was so convincing that the trooper said "She seemed pretty emotional. It made me believe this person was legitmately telling the truth." But despite this and his decision to let her go on her rushed way, Trooper Cummings must have still had some shadow of doubt about the veracity of her crocodile tears. Or maybe it is his experience from years on the force of being lied to. But whatever it was, he listened to that nagging inner voice and called the hospital she claimed she was headed to and asked if her father was there. He of course wasn't. He then found out from further investigating, that her father had died already-in 2008!
And in his background digging on this manipulative ticket evader, he discovered that her vehicle registration was suspended-a misdemeanor-so fueled by the anger of being duped and his civic duty to get justice, he headed to her house and confronted her with father's death certificate. Trapped in her lies, Carley Williams, of course lied more because if at first you don't deceive, lie, lie again. She tried saying that was her uncle who had died in 2008, but after being arrested and charged with speeding and driving with a suspended registration, she finally came clean and put an end to this ruse.
What a mess. Like I said, this is really a cautionary tale. And one that makes me miss that reality TV show Speeders-it was like Cops but just focused on driving infractions and the excuses people came up with. It was amazing. Incidentally, according to an Insurance.com survey published in April, these are the most common things said in the heat of the moment when pulled over for speeding:

10. My GPS said it was the right thing to do

 9. I was on my way to an emergency
8. I didn't do anything dangerous
7. I had to go to the bathroom
6. I missed my turn/exit
5. I'm having an emergency situation in my car
4. Everyone else was doing it
3. I didn't know I broke the speed limit
2. I'm lost and unfamiliar with the roads

1. I couldn't see the sign telling me not to do it

I have to say, I think I usually have gone with number 3, the classic "I didn't know I was speeding." And then I bat my eyes seductively-which doesn't work too well. The officer then asks me if I have something in my eye, and rather than taking that as a route to a good new part of the excuse, I sheepishly say no and just take my ticket.

But clearly that is better than turning to the Excuses Excuses Defense and conjuring up a sob story about a dying family member or anything that they can use their cop training to track.

What a CROC

To work in marketing is an amazing power. You control the minds of the masses.
Advertising has made us think we need all sorts of things:

This.

Death.

Suzanne Somers.

Now while the clapper and it's earworm jingle (you are welcome) played into our desire to be so lazy that we don't want to get up to turn off a freakin' light a foot away, the other two examples above show how cunning advertising execs know the sure way to our wallets is to sell with sex.
Think about it, for years, a camel-the least sexy animal ever-made the death sentence of smoking look so cool and sexy. A camel.

That is marketing genuis.
Well, prepare yourself because that same tactic which appeals to your weak sexy senses while destroying any common sense you have is used in this commercial from the UK.

Are you desperate for a pair of those incredibly ridiculous CROCS now? Bet you never thought the day would come when CROCS and sex made it into the same scenerio. But now that they have, you are strangely intrigued, aren't you?

I typed in "sexy CROC shoes" to google image search and this came up. Cats do make things more appealing.

Whoever came up with this "Slip Off Slip In" CROC ad campaign is enjoying their incredible bonus check lounging on a beach chair on the French Riviera.
I also enjoy that this ad implies that non-CROC shoes are a real danger during foreplay. I couldn't help but think how Tai from Clueless would totally agree seeing as right after doing these sweet moves she took a hit to the head and was knocked unconscious from a rogue clog shoe.

So let's remind ourselves that CROCS are not, nor will they ever, be sexy or stylish, and those mogul monsters in marketing should stop trying to prey upon us pathetic sex crazed humans. But I guess now we all should be prepared for the potential to see some CROCS in da club.

There's An App For That?

Have some left over Lo Mein from last night but are really craving a slice of cold pizza tonight? Well, lucky for you, there's an app for that.
Leftover Swap, featured today on NPR, is an app that allows you to snap a pic of your leftover food and then post it to the database to be viewed by strangers in your geographic area who can offer you a trade for your food or just take it off your hands. It's like GrubHub for the cheapsters.
To me, this is really quite gross. Snagging leftover grub from some dirty hipsters in your hood? There's no way this is not another step towards the downfall of our society. This is how the plague will begin to spread.
The creators, who came up with this idea while in college (most likely while high), are marketing the app as a way to be eco-conscious and reduce your waste as well as "build relationships within your community."
Admirable intentions, but I still don't like it and will not be eating your leftover tiki masala.

Haute Kotex

I'm sure you are all aware of the ridiculousness going on with the Texas legislature where they had temporarily banned feminine hygiene products in the Capital building due to some crazy fear that female protestors would toss menstrual pads and tampons on the politicians who are trying to control said females' reproductive systems. Then this week on Melissa Harris-Perry's MSNBC morning show, the host showed her support for those Texas women and the people fighting for them by sporting some awesome tampon earrings.

So in case you too are inspired to be a like a human bra and support women by rocking some tampon accessories, I have searched the web for some inspired pieces.

Blogger Dori the Giant offers up this tampon bracelet.

The Etsy shop of cappysue has this stuffed tampon doll "Lady Bathory."

 Designer cappysue points out that in creating this unique handmade item, she "even used things to make some of the red lumpy and extra gross." How cuddly. What child wouldn't love this?

And why just wear or cuddle a tampon, when you could hang it as art? This painting from Etsy designer LaraOdell is a perfect piece to hang in your bathroom, living room, office....anywhere really.

But if wearing tampon art as a statement piece is really more your thing, you can always go big and wear this impressive collar necklace made of Merino wool by Etsy designer racheltimmins.
You probably wouldn't even be allowed near the Texas capital wearing this.

Or if you want to be a bit more understated in your support, you could always go with this bracelet made of upcycled Playtex tampon boxes by Etsy designer UpcycledStuff.

And of course, with the holidays only five months away, it's a good idea to start thinking about gifts and what better gift is there than a tampon to hang on the tree? You can get this hand crocheted tampon wearing a cute blood red Santa hat from Etsy designer stephsyaya.

So there you have it, all sorts of ways to show your lady pride! Gone are the days when tampons were an embarrassing item discreetly carried in the darkest crevice of your purse. Wave your tampon proudly like a magic wand to make all the bed men disappear!

Investment Banker Needed A Bailout

In other news beside the birth of the royal baby, an investment banker in NYC attempted to end his life because of a dispute with his neighbors over his royal babies-his three French poodles, Prince Polo, Princess Jasmine and Prince Bonbon. Yep, Prince Bonbon.

Allegedly, Adam Silberman has had an on-going dispute over his rambunctious, royal ruff-ians with his co-op board in his Upper East Side building and things seemed to escalate yesterday when he dramatically hurled himself out the window of his 7th floor apartment. It was also reported in the New York Post that not only was he barking mad at his neighbors, but he and his wife owed upwards of $600,000 in back taxes, and there was "crack paraphernalia" found by authorities in his apartment.
But unfortunately for Mr. Silberman, suicide proved to be yet another failure. In his plunge to the pavement, his body hit an awning on the 2nd floor which broke his fall causing him to survive and not end up a poodle on the pavement. He is currently at Weill Cornell Medical Center with broken bones and a badly bruised ego. Though I'm sure his precious poodles are happy he survived.

Failure at suicide or winner at life?

Paint the Town Blue

Yep. It's a boy for Kate Middleton-who even super pregnant just looked like I do after eating a big lunch.

We do not know the name yet of the young prince, but all of London will celebrate by painting the town blue-literally-the fountains will have blue dyed water, iconic buildings will be lit in blue, and there will be blue fireworks. And across the pond, baby Blue Ivy will turn green with envy. Also, tomorrow there is to be the traditional multi-gun salute at Buckingham Palace. You know, all the usual pomp and circumstance.
I am not baby crazy so I am not dying to see this little nugget, but I'm sure he is a puckered up ball of sweetness that all the world will be gushing over. Brace yourselves, world. You'll be able to smell the baby powder and hear the oohs and ahhs across the miles.
But I will raise my Pimm's to the royal family tonight.