The Female Shark Who Ate A Male Shark Whole Is The Feminist Hero We Need

While we are in the dead of the winter and months away from the wonderful summer days of Shark Week, a video of a female shark eating a male shark from a Seoul aquarium has gone viral. And it is amazing. Mostly because this female shark is the feminist hero we've all been waiting for.
After being pestered by a male banded hound shark that kept bumping into her, this mighty female tiger shark retaliated in the most girl power way possible- by eating the annoying male.
Here's the video:

YAAASS shark girl! 

You show that guy that NO MEANS NO!

You warned that persistent Romeo that his unwanted attention and touching was harassment and you would take action. And you did. Fiercely. 

Now every time I am walking down the street and some clueless man cat calls at me that I'm "hot" or when some dude all of a sudden has more arms than an octopus and all of them are on me, I'll think of this bad ass shark chick, and visualize these harassers as my snack, with their toes hanging out of my mouth as I strut swim away. And I suggest you do the same.

Now, while it would be hard to justify this kind of vigilante behavior in the human fight against sexual harassment, it is really empowering to see a female come out on top of the food chain.

It's not easy being a woman. Women get paid less than men. For example, it leaked last week that Gillian Anderson was offered less money than her co-star David Duchovny for the X-Files return. And we know women's bodies aren't always their own. Most disturbingly this week in El Salvador, where the Zika virus is spreading, the government is telling women to not get pregnant so as to reduce the risk of more babies being born with the birth defect the virus causes. And while this seems like a good idea, contraception in this country is hard to come by and abortions are illegal. And when it comes to women in power, we see presidential candidate Hilary Clinton being told she is not "trustworthy," which at the root seems like a complaint dripping with sexism. 

With struggles like this, women need a hero to look to. An inspiration to remind us that we are strong and that we are bigger than whatever is bothering us. 

And I think this male eating shark is that hero.

Marvel Comics 

Now, I'm in no way suggesting you attempt to eat that man in your office whose un-welcomed flirting is even harder to cope with knowing the idiot also probably makes more money than you do. That would be a bad idea. And cannibalism. But I do think you can use Female Shark as your feminist spirit animal to rise above and in other ways destroy the limitations set on you. You don't have to take being touched when you don't want to be. You don't have to tolerate being told you run like a girl or that your choices for your body are a matter of politics. Female Shark wouldn't take crap like that. And neither should we. 

Ladies, let's live every week like it's lady shark week!

Lust in Translation

So science is working really hard to get us more sex.

Pretty much all technological advances are no sooner developed then they are curated into being used for mating stupid humans. Think about it. Your cell phone is such an incredible feat of technology, capable of giving us great advantages from knowledge, and yet we use it to swipe right on Tindr and send sexy poop emojis in text flirtations. What is wrong with us?
Maybe we just need a device that is even more advanced to help us see that the key to the world before us is communication. Not just from emojis and 140 character tweets, but our real, beautiful, poetic words that reach across countries and language barriers. If we had a device that allowed our words to be heard by everyone, translated instantly into their language, just think of the possibilities. That would get us back on track. We'll all be expressing ourselves as eloquently as the Bard himself and the world will find the peace it searches for.

But soft what light through yonder window breaks!
That device is here! The Ili!

The Ili is a necklace that looks like you are wearing a late generation ipod shuffle, but is actually a mobile translator which instantaneously translates all you say into the language of your choice.
There is no way that we can misuse this device. Except the one.
And the company that launched it, Logbar, went ahead and just jumped right to what we stupid, sex starved humans will use this new technology for. Sex. But even worse, their first commercial introducing the device pretty much has a man sexually harassing women with it. And it turns out, sexual harassment is creepy in any language. But especially when translated through a stick in front of your face with a robot voice.

This commercial is super slimy and complete with awful pick up lines you expect to hear after midnight at a dive bar in the wrong part of town. And yet coming out of the dimple-rimmed mouth of this British model they are even more disgusting. This asshole adonis goes around saying things like "I should thank your parents" while wondering through the streets of Japan asking girls to kiss him. Not surprisingly, despite his fancy, magical translating machine and Disney prince good looks, these girls are repulsed, and most of them run away in terror, save a few who clearly were raised orphans without parents to teach them about stranger danger.
Watch this and try not to be disgusted.

While I'm not sure exactly what else we would desperately need to say in a foreign land using this device other than "Where is the toilet?" and "What kind of meat did I eat?" I am positive that this obnoxiously creepy flirting is not what it should be used for. I am also pretty positive that not one woman was on the team working to come up with this marketing concept.
Also, this commercial is a total knock off of an episode of the short-lived, but never-the-less brilliant sitcom ,"Better Off Ted." In the aptly named "Lust in Translation" episode, the team of accidentally evil but adorably dorky scientists at Veridian Dynamics launch the exact same translator product, and the main character Ted obviously uses it to flirt with and bed the buxom blond German corporate head. Like with all sitcoms, it predictably doesn't end well for the translator, Ted, and the blond, but everything wraps up nicely by the end of the episode.

This show has been streaming on Netflix for years (and if you haven't binged on it, I suggest you do.) So I can't help but think whoever came up with the Ili, or at least whoever came up with their commercial, totally caught this episode of "Better Off Ted." So not only does Logbar lose points for their disturbing sexual harassment commercial, they also lose points for lack of originality.
I guess we don't need any more devices or ways to be heard. We apparently have very little worth saying anyway.

Attack of the Feminist

Are feminists the newest threat to society?
A group of people signing a petition on Change.org to get the U.S. government to classify feminism as a terrorist group think so.

The petition states: (*note typos/errors are as found on the site)

Over the years feminism has constantly attacked men and women for choosing to live their lives the way they want to. These actions have now progressed to physical violence where we have seen feminists violently attack men who are concerned about mens issues.Repeated attacks in Canada and elseware have left many injured and maimed. Another feminist cell activated recently and is planning on attacking another talk for men in the US. Its time we stopped the violence, its time we put a stop to the hatred feminists are constantly generating. Its time we stopped womens studied courses from brainwashing women into thinking they are victims. Its time these misandric loonatics are stopped.

What? And then, when I thought I couldn't feel any worse about this, I realized this whole petition and statement is made by a woman, Janet Wilkinson. I just keep hoping this is an internet joke. But when you read the comments posted on page, it becomes less awkwardly funny and more distasteful and terrifying. 

So I guess we have to talk about feminism.... 

 If you asked me if I was a feminist, I would cautiously reply yes. I actually like to think of myself as a humanist-meaning that I believe all humans, regardless of their race and gender, or preferences when it comes to sexuality, religion, fashion, food, whatever all deserve to be treated justly and equally as they pursue what makes them happy. Assuming that what they believe makes them happy isn't to destroy earth, kill kittens, hurt others, or other moralistically reprehensible mayhem. But in saying that I believe all humans deserve to be treated justly and equally, it automatically makes me a feminist because tragically and confusingly, we live in a world where women are just not.
I can not comprehend why and when women became the "lesser sex." It just has never made sense to me. Trying to understand why women are less then men is as impossible for me to wrap my mind around as calculus. I never once for a second growing up thought that I couldn't do something because I was a girl. In fact, in elementary school, I once got into a debate with some other kids that girls could do everything boys could. One smart ass little boy shouted out, "Nah-uh! Girls can't pee standing up!" To which I responded simply by pulling my underpants down from under my skirt and peeing right there. Standing up.
The other tragic problem with being a strong woman wanting to help other women be strong (aka a feminist) is that the word "feminist" has become a bad word. Think, if you are invited to a party, and you ask your friend who else she invited and she lists off people like, "Bill the guy who drinks too much, Tracy the funny model, Katie the ad exec with the cute pug, and Sarah the feminist writer." Which one of those people are you thinking you're hoping you won't get trapped into a conversation in a corner with. The word feminist makes everyone bristle because we're picturing and dreading the extreme craziness. Really "-ists" in general make us nervous: racists, elitists, sadists, terrorists, dentists. When it comes to feminists, admit it, we're really picturing those women from the feminist book shop in Portlandia.

I've been guilty of it too. I spent most of college ranting about my "feminazi" Art History professor who literally turned every painting into being about a vagina. And after semesters of her, I found myself rolling my eyes at anyone who identified themselves as a feminist or started ranting on their female struggles. And worse, I was hesitant-and still somewhat am- to define myself as a feminist. Even though I AM, and always have been, a feminist. I have no problem identifying myself as other things that are not necessarily good or flattering, like when I admit to being a crazy cat lady, but it is because of the stereotype of what an angry, hairy feminist is that makes me, and I'm sure others, less willing to proudly say I am a feminist.

But the reality is, most women (like 99%) who are feminists are not humorless, mean, closed-minded people on an aggressive and angry attack hating on penises and men. That stereotype has helped perpetuate feminism to be bad, but it is not a definition of what a true feminist is. It is the caricature of a feminist extremist. Extremists (the -ist problem again) are scary to us, mostly because they can't be reasoned with as there is little to no gray area, and often extremists become a threat because they are willing to go to extremes to push their beliefs. And, yes, extremists have historically become terrorists. But even extremist feminists don't seem to be a real enemy, but rather more of a victim. As the feminist queen bee Hilary Clinton said, extremists in general often are on attack against women."Why extremists always focus on women remains a mystery to me. But they all seem to. It doesn't matter what country they're in or what religion they claim. They all want to control women."
Feminists have only ever gone to battle to fight exactly that, for much needed changes in education, working conditions, and safety to make things equal for all humans. See? Feminists are really just Humanists. Maybe we should all just start using that word and calm the f#@* down because I think it's safe to say that women who are on quests for these things are not Godzillas here to destroy the place.
 

*Also, part of learning to be a successful human is learning how to spell. -E.C.