If This Had Been A Real Emergency....

If you know me, or read this blog, or have seen/heard me talk about this, you know I am afraid of flying-or as I call it-afraid of suddenly not flying. I have even dedicated an entire blog to helping you understand (and laugh at) my anxiety with this.

So knowing that, you can imagine my horror in learning that for about $300, I could experience a fake flight disaster at British Airways Flight Safety Awareness Course. 
According to the Huffington Post, this course is designed so it "encourages passengers to be aware of their surroundings and familiarize themselves with what happens in an emergency." It also is supposed to make you feel more confident about the skills and experience of your captain and crew. The idea is if you are confident and prepared, you won't panic. But to be honest, just reading about what this course experience all entails, I was in a total panic.

You board a simulator plane, take a seat, and then there are sounds and motions to create a take off. Shortly after that, you enter my worst nightmare, as they fill the simulated craft with smoke and the crew yells "Brace! Brace!" At this point, I would probably pass out from hyperventilating. Even knowing this is fake.
Part of the curriculum is teaching you the proper brace position. You know the "put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye." They explain this procedure in detail and it should involve placing your head down, feet firmly planted and slid back towards you, with your dominant hand on top of your head and your other hand on top of that hand. The reasoning for this hand placement is that if something happens and your top hand is impacted and consequently shattered, your dominant hand can still unbuckle your seat belt so you can evacuate the plane. Great.
Next in this fun experience they yell at you to evacuate. This is described as a "scramble." And apparently opening those emergency exits over the wing is not as easy as you think. So think carefully about selecting that seat just for the tempting extra leg room. You don't want to get stampeded by angry passengers in a panic if you take too long working at opening it. But also, I'm not sure it matters, as they also explain that the doors of the plane allow 6-8 passengers to get out in the time it takes 1 to get out that smaller door over the wing exit and in the disaster every second matters. Ahhhh I'm stressed out just reading this.
Another little helpful tidbit in case of emergency is to not inflate your life jacket on the plane, because apparently "if water fills the cabin, passengers with inflated vests can be pressed up against the ceiling, unable to swim down to the door." Just let that image sink in of you floating around like Charlie breaking the rules in the Chocolate Factory chamber. Except instead of farting your way down to a stern talking to by Willy Wonka, you die.
Probably the only thing that makes this course worth the nightmares it will induce is the fact that you get to go down that slide that you always hear these planes are equipped with, but you don't ever get, or really want, to see.

So, yeah, if you want to experience a disaster, in a controlled setting, go ahead and sign up for this class. But really, for the cost of the class you could go on a trip, ideally on a plane where none of this occurs.

Flight: A Look Into My Sky High Fears

I have horrible fear of flying. Well, really I have a horrible fear of suddenly not flying. But I love to travel and have to travel as a performer a lot, so I have gotten into the habit of just taking some Valium and hoping I sleep through the crash.
But lately, I have been thinking a lot about how despite the fact that they say flying is the safest way to travel I think it is all a hoax to lure us into that tin can hurdling through the clouds at over 500 miles per hour.

Yes, my investigation into the fear of flying does coincide with the investigation into the still mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. I'd be lying if I didn't say that now I am also afraid of boarding a plane to a mysterious fate worse than death. I couldn't take my eyes off of CNN for weeks, as I obsessively watched their ridiculous coverage, babbling interviews with "experts," and animated graphics all which led me to believe that it is possible that A) aliens have started abducting airplanes, B) there is most likely an Indian Ocean Triangle like the one in Bermuda, C) Black Holes are worse than turbulence to fly through, and D) the show Lost has finally outdone all other TV stunts by creating a real life cross-over that will sweep ratings this summer.
But once I got past all the bizarre speculation, and, like the rest of the world, came to the devastating conclusion that the people aboard this plane most likely met a horribly terrifying demise at the hands of this man made machine or possibly the pilot in charge of it, I became even more consumed with my fear of flying. Just in time to board a plane for Florida.
This called for some additional flight assistance.

And, beyond the fear of crashing and death, I have now become aware of things, thanks to all this coverage about the details of airplanes, that have broadened my fear horizons. Also including, but not limited to, the airline (like the last guy I dated) sending a wimpy text message to deliver bad news. My mother doesn't even know how to text so that would make it all the more tragic.
So thanks to my obsessive googling and CNN watching, as I board, and the flight attendant starts doing her schpeel, this is what I am pretty much hearing.

 "Hello, and welcome aboard JetBlue. We are going to try our best to get you safely to your destination. But we can't control everything. Except when you get to eat your free bag of popcorn chips during this flight.
Here at JetBlue we have the most amount of leg room. So enjoy that your slightly more space in-flight cabin is most likely covered in feces and you are breathing engine air. Oh, and speaking of bad air, if you hear someone coughing and sneezing, be prepared to come down with a nasty cold after you disembark the aircraft.
We offer you complimentary Dunkin Donuts coffee that we brew fresh on board with our water that was sloppily filled from a port right next to the one used to purge the lavatory. Refreshing.
In the "unlikely" event of an emergency.....yeah, why even go into this, how often have you heard of people talking about that fun time they got to use the slide to leave the plane? If the air becomes too stale or for some reason gets sucked out of the cabin entirely, an oxygen mask may drop down for the low charge of $3. It will provide you with just a few more breaths of air before you pass out. (Ok that charge may have been for headsets but I'm in a panic.) And turns out that life jacket under your chair may not even be there in the event you do need it, as punks like to take those as a souvenir. They light up in water you know. Super fun to test in the shower.
Our captain today will be ***** and he will most likely stay awake the whole flight. Even though nearly 50% of pilots admit to falling asleep. You know how hard it is to stay awake sitting at your desk at your job, so you understand. 
So sit back and enjoy your flight with us today."

At this point in a flight, before the plane has even left the ground, I am inconsolable. You are in a steel coffin of recycled, germ-ridden air, in an uncomfortable upright seat about to rocket 30,000 feet into the air. You know that feeling your stomach gets on a roller coaster? That is how I feel the entire flight. Minus the cotton candy fragranced air rushing past you and screams of glee. Instead I sit, my hands, wrapped in my sweatshirt so as to not touch poo, grasping the arm rests while trying desperately to tune out the screams of the ever-present in flight annoying baby and the seemingly too loud sounds of the engine. If my car engine was making that noise I'd be rushing it to a mechanic, are they sure this plane is safe?

And then as we start to take off, the most alarming sound comes, a loud dinging that goes along with the flashing of the exit lights by the aircraft's doors. Why is that happening? Why would I want to exit now? How would I exit? Oh god! This is it! Just look out to the clouds and try to find some zen!
Really, all of my trust and control issues come out. This pilot....who is he and can we trust him? True story, I once was on a four hour flight where the pilot came out of the cock pit to stand and flirt with the flight attendant for over an hour. It was all the strength I had to not jump up and yell "Who is flying the plane? Get back in there sir and at least pretend you are doing something!"

But, despite my in-air breakdown, I land (safely) in Florida. Though the fear of having to do it all again to return home not only haunts me daily throughout my vacation, but also causes me to entertain the thought of taking up residency there. Perhaps landing a job being Daisy Duck......

Flying the Friendly Skies Now With Knives

I'm confused. The TSA released new rules regarding carry-on items which means as of April 25th, passengers may have in their possession things like small knives, ski poles, and a small baseball bat. Really?! Really? I still have to bag up my super small size liquid foundation and sunscreen and take my shoes off to get on the plane. But a knife and other sharp objects are totally cool.

Maybe this is some sort of reward for good behavior? The TSA is thanking us for not causing too much trouble in the friendly skies in recent years so now we can have our dangerous toys back?
It was reported that TSA spokesman David Castelveter said that this change will "help provide a better experience for travelers." Again, really? So sitting in an enclosed space during delays, and turbulence, and fatigue with passengers wielding their golf clubs and bats and knives will allow me to feel like I'm having a better experience?
I don't like this.
Want to make flying a better experience? Maybe allow me to bring my own water bottle on the plane so I don't have to buy a $7 bottle of water from the scalpers running shops in the airport. Or maybe you could stop airlines from charging extra in air for things like headphones or pillows or better snacks. Things like that would provide a better experience for travelers. Not sure sharp objects and large sticks better my already tense experience. Pretty much the only thing that betters my travel experience is valium. And lots of it. (Though I must warn you that too much valium may cause you to behave incredibly bizarrely in JFK airport, embarrassing your friends, and causing you to mock celebrity hairdresser Tabitha Coffey to her face telling her she looks like a bird. So watch out for that.)
But seriously, when it comes to flying, my paranoia is not unrealistic. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 still haunt everyone's mind as they are boarding a plane. And knowing that another passenger is wielding something that could be used as a weapon is chilling. An article Tuesday in the Washington Post, speaks with several family members of those killed in the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and all say they too are outraged, concerned and confused by these new TSA regulations. I mean, who needs to bring a pool cue onto a plane anyway?
Oh, also, this week a pilot coming in for a landing at JFK airport in NY spotted a mysterious drone flying only about 200 feet from his plane so..... that's great. Now we don't just to have to fear what and who is on the plane, it could also be about what is outside it.