App-etizing Temptations

A while back I had a concept to design an app that was like tindr except instead of posting your picture, you post a picture of your pet. The idea being that if I saw a picture of a cute cat or puppy it would be a better introduction into who the guy is and what we have in common than just another stupid muscle gym selfie.  I would call it "Chasing Tail." But since I don't design apps, and I'm sure this concept would lead to some sort of kinky or awful complications that would horrify me, I dropped the idea. *
But I was onto something, apps are everywhere and there is an app for literally everything. Including now drunk shopping.
That's right. There's an app that will help you impulse buy while you are intoxicated. Like that jerk friend who lures you into the McDonald's on the way home from the bar.

 The app "Drunk Shopping" is brought to you by the same mastermind as that app from 2012 that blocks babies from your facebook newsfeed replacing them with cute cat pictures. So clearly, designer Chris Baker, a former Buzzfeed employee, knows what we want. And what we want is ridiculous crap.  Like this Nicholas Cage face shirt.

Nobody sober would want this. Ever. But when you enlist in this app by texting "heyyyy" to 551-333-7685, you will get a text at 2am on Saturday nights-when the booze has adequately addled your brain-with items such as this and the link to buy them. The app even sends texts egging you on to buying it by trying to reason with your drunk self about how awesome it would be if you had things like a Nicholas Cage shirt or a Loch Ness monster ladle. Dangerous. This app is pretty much like perusing pinterest while drunk. Not a good idea. 

Amazingly, I have never fallen victim to the temptation of tipsy internet shopping. I am more into tangible things I can acquire that have instant gratification aka purchases of the food variety. Those pretzels from street vendors are my kryptonite. I once bought every pretzel the vendor had for my friends and I to binge on. That was the closest I think I've gotten to blowing the bank while boozy.
Designer Chris Baker feels no guilt about preying upon drunken fools, and told Buzzfeed in an interview that "most of the time we’re sure people won’t be completely hammered, they’ll still have a great experience just seeing what products we choose and how we write about them.” I am considering signing up for these texts just so when I wake up (not hungover) on Sunday mornings I can scope out what the crazy internet item is they dug up. I'd also appreciate if there was a way that the people who accidentally actually bought this crap while drunk had to post about it. I'd love to see some confused dude opening a package that contains a Nicholas Cage shirt. Trust I will be checking the hashtag #drunkshopping for updates.

*Please note that after writing this, if I see this app appear I will come after you and sue.

Nobody Put Baby In a Newsfeed

Do you hate signing on to facebook and having to look at your friends' babies? Well now there's an app for that! Chris Baker has created a new Google Chrome extension called Unbaby.me that "deletes babies from your News Feed permanently -- by replacing them with awesome stuff." And by awesome stuff they obviously mean cats. Seriously that's the default substitution. Chris Baker sounds like my kind of guy. Is he single?
Just think, you will never have to be ambushed by an album from some girl you went to high school with who has like 20 photos of her chubby baby- inexplicably dressed like a giant strawberry-bomb your cool and drool free newsfeed again.
I would much rather see cats in my newsfeed. But if cats aren't your cup of tea either, unbaby.me does offer you the opportunity to choose any "safe" image you want to replace. You could have pictures of bacon. And for maximum protection, the app knows what to block by picking up on key words like "cutest baby ever," "crawling," "looks like daddy." So assuming those aren't phrases that your non-baby bearing friends use, it will work perfectly.
I know as a young woman in my prime reproductive years I am supposed to look at these facebook babies and think how much I can't wait to have one and how cute they are. But most babies just look like aliens to me.

what you looking at?

Or I'm just appalled at what people think is funny to do to their baby. I mean there is no way these kids will look at photos like this when they are older and not want to hate their parents. And facebook with its captive like-clicking baby audience feeds this kind of creative abuse.

Now if only this technology could be used to stop other things in my newsfeed that I don't like-such as posts spoiling the Olympics and the annoying food porn shots of what people are eating. (Really you are eating sushi? How exotic. And the way you used that green hue in instagram for the photo really makes it more appetizing.) I'd also like an unbride.me app to keep annoying posts with engagement ring hand shots and bride bitching out of my newsfeed. So basically my newsfeed would be all cats. Purrfect.