Selfie Cat Selfie Cat It's Not Your Fault

Cats. They are everywhere. I love cats. I have a cat. And I think she is pretty awesome and find myself talking to and about her more often than I feel okay admitting. But I'm not a crazy cat lady. The internet is a crazy cat lady. There was a time not too long ago where if you were out in public and you busted out photos of your cat to show to people you were considered to be quite weird and sad. But no, meow the hashtag #catsofinstagram rules and anyone who doesn't have a filtered furry feline drools.
There are cat politicians, cat videos, cat blogs, sad cats, existential cats, cat instagram accounts, cat facebook pages, catlebrity wannabes looking for interns to manage their social media, cat tweets, cat news.....so much stuff to keep up with you'll need to take a cat nap. And this coming from someone who loves the occasional indulgence in kitty porn. Why is the internet so filled with cats? How did they beat out dogs as the social media sweethearts? Is it because dog people actually go outside?
But lets set this tail straight-behind every great cat, there's obviously just a human who seeks greatness. Cat stage moms and dads are absolutely the worst. When will TLC get on this and start a reality show about them. These people will make the horrifying parents on Toddlers and Tiaras look positively normal and sane. (In fact, other than a few Animal Planet shows-including the one with that strange man strumming his guitar all over the country and caterwauling about his love for felines-TV has yet to jump on the cat bandwagon and create programming for this demographic. Odd. Despite this rant, I would definitely watch more cat reality tv.)
Anyway, just like the deluded parents on Toddlers and Tiaras who believe that young flipper-wearing Mimosa was born to do pageants and chose to do them and a cage dance talent routine herself, cat parents undoubtedly argue the same thing-that their precious tabby is not just craving tuna, but has loftier life goals including internet fame. But really, what are you seeking posting videos of your cat? Do you really think your cat, who most spends 90% of their day sleeping in hiding under your bed only creeping out to eat and poo, is looking for the world's attention?

Well, apparently, you do. Because there are now apps that allow your cat to become a Kitty Kardashian fame whore all on their own. That's right, there are apps that make it as easy as a paw swipe for your cat to take a selfie. Of course you will have to filter it and post it. And seriously these cats are so demanding and needy you know they'll meow constantly til you do post it.
When you get the app, like Catsnap or Cat Selfie, you open it, place your phone or tablet on the ground and the screen will show a virtual bounding laser or ball that the cat will chase, and as they do so, their paw's movement will activate a shutter and snap their pic.

Ugh. Maybe this will finally help teach everyone that selfies are in fact NEVER flattering. See how it even makes these cute kitties look annoying and dumb.
So be on the lookout now for even more cat pics. Obnoxious selfie ones. Yep, cats doing duckface.

Bad Booty Pop Parenting

I was working a gig at a casino recently and at 11:30 at night after I got done with the show I decided to hit up the fitness center where I discovered a fat mom in there using fitness equipment while drinking her beer with her fat kids sitting on the floor next to her. Classy.
Bad parenting is everywhere it seems-or at least the internet is offering fifteen minutes of fame for it. We won't soon forget the tanorexic mom who looked like she was an inhabitant of Planet of the Apes who tried to put her ginger tot in a tanning bed. And recently some mom at a pizza parlor who put some beer in her kid's sippy cup because he asked for it.
Well now we can add this video to the top of that list. Meet six year old rapper Albert Roundtree, Jr.

This is his debut song and video "Booty Pop" in which he continually raps that phrase while standing among full grown women in bikinis shakin the junk in their trunks. Sandwiched on each side of him, it looks like they could crunch Albert's little face as he leers at their jiggling booties inappropriately. And then young Albert jizzes with the most sexual looking water gun I've ever seen while rapping "We can have some fun tonight because we both feeling right." By fun I'd like to assume he means play some video games and make some cookies before his 8pm bedtime, but something tells me this six year old is well on his way to being more sexually knowledgeable than I was my freshman year of college. The video ends with him taking the hand of one of the women who is old enough to be his mother and like a little pimp leads her out of frame. And what do the proud parents have to say? Oh they obviously put him up to this. The producer of the video (who also reveals another one by ARJ is in the works) said that the youngster's parents hope this vid will launch his rapping career leading to a future of fame and fortune. I'm also tragically seeing a future of drug and alcohol abuse, objectification of women leading to abusive relationships, and scandals that would make the Lohan family blush.
Seriously this is the worst! This makes those those parents who dressed their baby like a zebra and put it in front of a freaking lion cage and all the others look as perfect as the Brady Bunch. This is worst than all of those Dance Moms and the terrors on Toddlers and Tiaras. In fact a blogger on Vibe actually almost contacted Child Protection Services about "Booty Pop." They should have. Until we stop rubber necking the train wreck of these fame seeking kids and parents it won't stop. Yep. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye with that pointy penis water gun.