Wednesday, July 31, 2013

What a CROC

To work in marketing is an amazing power. You control the minds of the masses.
Advertising has made us think we need all sorts of things:
Suzanne Somers.
Now while the clapper and it's earworm jingle (you are welcome) played into our desire to be so lazy that we don't want to get up to turn off a freakin' light a foot away, the other two examples above show how cunning advertising execs know the sure way to our wallets is to sell with sex.
Think about it, for years, a camel-the least sexy animal ever-made the death sentence of smoking look so cool and sexy. A camel.
That is marketing genuis.
Well, prepare yourself because that same tactic which appeals to your weak sexy senses while destroying any common sense you have is used in this commercial from the UK.

Are you desperate for a pair of those incredibly ridiculous CROCS now? Bet you never thought the day would come when CROCS and sex made it into the same scenerio. But now that they have, you are strangely intrigued, aren't you?
I typed in "sexy CROC shoes" to google image search and this came up. Cats do make things more appealing.

Whoever came up with this "Slip Off Slip In" CROC ad campaign is enjoying their incredible bonus check lounging on a beach chair on the French Riviera.
I also enjoy that this ad implies that non-CROC shoes are a real danger during foreplay. I couldn't help but think how Tai from Clueless would totally agree seeing as right after doing these sweet moves she took a hit to the head and was knocked unconscious from a rogue clog shoe.

So let's remind ourselves that CROCS are not, nor will they ever, be sexy or stylish, and those mogul monsters in marketing should stop trying to prey upon us pathetic sex crazed humans. But I guess now we all should be prepared for the potential to see some CROCS in da club.

Monday, July 29, 2013

There's An App For That?

Have some left over Lo Mein from last night but are really craving a slice of cold pizza tonight? Well, lucky for you, there's an app for that.
Leftover Swap, featured today on NPR, is an app that allows you to snap a pic of your leftover food and then post it to the database to be viewed by strangers in your geographic area who can offer you a trade for your food or just take it off your hands. It's like GrubHub for the cheapsters.
To me, this is really quite gross. Snagging leftover grub from some dirty hipsters in your hood? There's no way this is not another step towards the downfall of our society. This is how the plague will begin to spread.
The creators, who came up with this idea while in college (most likely while high), are marketing the app as a way to be eco-conscious and reduce your waste as well as "build relationships within your community."
Admirable intentions, but I still don't like it and will not be eating your leftover tiki masala.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Haute Kotex

I'm sure you are all aware of the ridiculousness going on with the Texas legislature where they had temporarily banned feminine hygiene products in the Capital building due to some crazy fear that female protestors would toss menstrual pads and tampons on the politicians who are trying to control said females' reproductive systems. Then this week on Melissa Harris-Perry's MSNBC morning show, the host showed her support for those Texas women and the people fighting for them by sporting some awesome tampon earrings.
So in case you too are inspired to be a like a human bra and support women by rocking some tampon accessories, I have searched the web for some inspired pieces.

Blogger Dori the Giant offers up this tampon bracelet.

The Etsy shop of cappysue has this stuffed tampon doll "Lady Bathory."
 Designer cappysue points out that in creating this unique handmade item, she "even used things to make some of the red lumpy and extra gross." How cuddly. What child wouldn't love this?

And why just wear or cuddle a tampon, when you could hang it as art? This painting from Etsy designer LaraOdell is a perfect piece to hang in your bathroom, living room, office....anywhere really.

But if wearing tampon art as a statement piece is really more your thing, you can always go big and wear this impressive collar necklace made of Merino wool by Etsy designer racheltimmins.
You probably wouldn't even be allowed near the Texas capital wearing this.
Or if you want to be a bit more understated in your support, you could always go with this bracelet made of upcycled Playtex tampon boxes by Etsy designer UpcycledStuff.
And of course, with the holidays only five months away, it's a good idea to start thinking about gifts and what better gift is there than a tampon to hang on the tree? You can get this hand crocheted tampon wearing a cute blood red Santa hat from Etsy designer stephsyaya.

So there you have it, all sorts of ways to show your lady pride! Gone are the days when tampons were an embarrassing item discreetly carried in the darkest crevice of your purse. Wave your tampon proudly like a magic wand to make all the bed men disappear!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Investment Banker Needed A Bailout

In other news beside the birth of the royal baby, an investment banker in NYC attempted to end his life because of a dispute with his neighbors over his royal babies-his three French poodles, Prince Polo, Princess Jasmine and Prince Bonbon. Yep, Prince Bonbon.

Allegedly, Adam Silberman has had an on-going dispute over his rambunctious, royal ruff-ians with his co-op board in his Upper East Side building and things seemed to escalate yesterday when he dramatically hurled himself out the window of his 7th floor apartment. It was also reported in the New York Post that not only was he barking mad at his neighbors, but he and his wife owed upwards of $600,000 in back taxes, and there was "crack paraphernalia" found by authorities in his apartment.
But unfortunately for Mr. Silberman, suicide proved to be yet another failure. In his plunge to the pavement, his body hit an awning on the 2nd floor which broke his fall causing him to survive and not end up a poodle on the pavement. He is currently at Weill Cornell Medical Center with broken bones and a badly bruised ego. Though I'm sure his precious poodles are happy he survived.

Failure at suicide or winner at life?

Paint the Town Blue

Yep. It's a boy for Kate Middleton-who even super pregnant just looked like I do after eating a big lunch.
We do not know the name yet of the young prince, but all of London will celebrate by painting the town blue-literally-the fountains will have blue dyed water, iconic buildings will be lit in blue, and there will be blue fireworks. And across the pond, baby Blue Ivy will turn green with envy. Also, tomorrow there is to be the traditional multi-gun salute at Buckingham Palace. You know, all the usual pomp and circumstance.
I am not baby crazy so I am not dying to see this little nugget, but I'm sure he is a puckered up ball of sweetness that all the world will be gushing over. Brace yourselves, world. You'll be able to smell the baby powder and hear the oohs and ahhs across the miles.
But I will raise my Pimm's to the royal family tonight.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Picking The Nose on WNPR

In case you want to hear more from me discussing a round up of the week in pop culture, you can click below to hear me on The Nose with Colin McEnroe on WNPR. Always a fun time.

Photo of me showing some love on air by Chion Wolf

Monday, July 15, 2013


Having a bad Monday? Well let me help you least you aren't this guy:
A dude in Israel went to bathroom to take care of some business when BAM! a snake came up out of the toilet and bit his penis. Yep.
This is why Indiana Jones freaking hates snakes.
And in case you are going to try to brush this piss and hiss situation off as a random and rare snake in toilet happening, it's not. In 2011 a woman in a hotel in Nebraska discovered a python in her bathroom and in 2012 in Staten Island, NY, a four foot snake slythered out of a man's toilet in his home. I could go on. There are numerous more incidents reported in the Associate Press.
Enjoy your next trip to the bathroom.

It's Getting Hot in Here

I know this blog is about current events-well my opinion of current events. But the preoccupying event currently in my life is that it is hot and humid and my air conditioner broke.
I know there is so much strife and sadness in the world and complaining about not having air conditioning is the biggest "First World Problem" ever. I am mad at myself for even complaining. I feel like my younger cousin who one Christmas was talking in the same breath about how she wanted "to like go to Africa and help children" AND how she "like only got two pairs of Uggs for Christmas." Oh the humanity of not having Uggs in every shade to match your leggings.
But back to my complaint: this heat could make you go mad! I have jungle fever just sitting in my living room. For God's sake I watched reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos on television because it felt impossible to move through the oppressive heat to pick up the remote to the change the channel.

So here's how I'm coping.

1. I've stripped down to almost no clothing. Men, don't be turned on by this-it is so hot if you were to come near me with any intentions at all I would kick you in the face.

2. I've adopted the same position as my cat. Sprawled out and belly up on the floor. I'm staying low in general because we all know heat rises. I crawled to go to the kitchen and the bathroom.

3. I keep opening the freezer to get that nice breeze. Previously I haven't spent too much time with my head in there and have now discovered that somehow a bag of peas has burst and there are peas gone rogue partying everywhere. Also it's an ice cream pint graveyard. Apparently I'm a non-commital serial dater when it comes to ice cream. Well today those old flings are coming back so I can finish what I started. Nothing matters today. I'm easy. As long as you're cold, I want you inside me.

4. I've made a tropical cocktail and am allowing the maddening heat to let me believe the delusion that I am enjoying a luxurious stay in the Caribbean. I also found it helpful to dump the ice from the cocktail shaker on to me. It was discouraging though how quickly the ice melted upon hitting my body. This girl is on fiiiiiyaaarr. I now believe my body heat has gotten too high and that I may spontaneously combust right here on the couch and of course this leads me to google terrifying incidents of human spontaneous combustion.

5. Ugh just shoot me. Seriously. In order to cool down, especially now that I've gotten myself into a fire panic, I am sitting squirting myself with a water gun. This also led to the invention of a fun game where I point it at the tv and squirtsassinate cheezy commercial actors. I also step in and start helping Benson and Stabler take down those pedi perps with my perfect aim making Law and Order: SVU an awesome interactive experience. Yo, I got your back Ice-T......Oh no! Does this new found love of firing make me an NRA membership candidate?

6. The heat madness has led me to seriously consider going outside and stealing my neighbor's little pink kiddie pool and dragging it up into my living room so I can just sit in it. That would be a pretty picture. I can just see the headline: "A grown woman was found in her underwear in a kiddie pool in her living room. It appears she fell asleep in there and drowned in the three inches of water." It would all be very Valley of the Dolls.

Alright, so maybe I'm not coping great. I do prefer this sauna of hell to those chilling winter days where you can't leave your house. And in the scheme of things, if the biggest problem I have is sweating it out through a lazy summer evening, I think life is pretty good.
Stay cool everyone.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Selfie Cat Selfie Cat It's Not Your Fault

Cats. They are everywhere. I love cats. I have a cat. And I think she is pretty awesome and find myself talking to and about her more often than I feel okay admitting. But I'm not a crazy cat lady. The internet is a crazy cat lady. There was a time not too long ago where if you were out in public and you busted out photos of your cat to show to people you were considered to be quite weird and sad. But no, meow the hashtag #catsofinstagram rules and anyone who doesn't have a filtered furry feline drools.
There are cat politicians, cat videos, cat blogs, sad cats, existential cats, cat instagram accounts, cat facebook pages, catlebrity wannabes looking for interns to manage their social media, cat tweets, cat much stuff to keep up with you'll need to take a cat nap. And this coming from someone who loves the occasional indulgence in kitty porn. Why is the internet so filled with cats? How did they beat out dogs as the social media sweethearts? Is it because dog people actually go outside?
But lets set this tail straight-behind every great cat, there's obviously just a human who seeks greatness. Cat stage moms and dads are absolutely the worst. When will TLC get on this and start a reality show about them. These people will make the horrifying parents on Toddlers and Tiaras look positively normal and sane. (In fact, other than a few Animal Planet shows-including the one with that strange man strumming his guitar all over the country and caterwauling about his love for felines-TV has yet to jump on the cat bandwagon and create programming for this demographic. Odd. Despite this rant, I would definitely watch more cat reality tv.)
Anyway, just like the deluded parents on Toddlers and Tiaras who believe that young flipper-wearing Mimosa was born to do pageants and chose to do them and a cage dance talent routine herself, cat parents undoubtedly argue the same thing-that their precious tabby is not just craving tuna, but has loftier life goals including internet fame. But really, what are you seeking posting videos of your cat? Do you really think your cat, who most spends 90% of their day sleeping in hiding under your bed only creeping out to eat and poo, is looking for the world's attention?
Well, apparently, you do. Because there are now apps that allow your cat to become a Kitty Kardashian fame whore all on their own. That's right, there are apps that make it as easy as a paw swipe for your cat to take a selfie. Of course you will have to filter it and post it. And seriously these cats are so demanding and needy you know they'll meow constantly til you do post it.
When you get the app, like Catsnap or Cat Selfie, you open it, place your phone or tablet on the ground and the screen will show a virtual bounding laser or ball that the cat will chase, and as they do so, their paw's movement will activate a shutter and snap their pic.

Ugh. Maybe this will finally help teach everyone that selfies are in fact NEVER flattering. See how it even makes these cute kitties look annoying and dumb.
So be on the lookout now for even more cat pics. Obnoxious selfie ones. Yep, cats doing duckface.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Is There A Doctor in The House? Unfortunately, Yes.

*This post is written upon request from a friend. It happened a couple of weeks ago while I was on my blogging hiatus, but he asked me to blog the s#%* out of this. And it is still so deserving of a rant....

Meet Congressman Michael Burgess:
He is a Republican from Texas. If that alone makes you suspicious of him, good. Your animal insticts would be correct.
In June, during a House Rules Committee debate on the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act -the restrictive abortion bill which would ban procedures nationwide after 20 weeks of pregnancy and effectively dissolve the 23-24 week abortion window provided by Roe v. Wade, he dropped this bomb:

"This is a subject I know something about ... Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?"

What the what? Yep. That's right-this dude claims that fetuses masturbate. He knows for a fact, that a fetus, at 15 weeks is fondling his tiny 15 week penis for pleasure. Now you may ask, how does this Congressman know this for a fact? Oh, don't worry, you can trust him because he's also a doctor. 25 years as an OB/GYN. 25 years of guiding masturbating babies through women's vajayjays into the world.
Ugh. I just can't believe that his argument for limiting a woman's right to choose is that the little fetus inside you is stroking the salami.
But in case you are thinking that Doctor Burgess could be right,
At 15 weeks, a fetus is the size of a Navel orange.

Also, at 15 weeks, a fetus is just starting to develop movement in joints and limbs. So that means that the first thing a fetus does upon being able to move is touch themselves? Maybe they are, but is highly unlikely that it is on purpose and even less likely that it is with the purpose of self-gratification.

Dr. F. Session Cole, a professor of pediatrics at Washington University School of Medicine and a neonatologist who cares for newborns born at 22 to 24 weeks, or 16 to 18 weeks before their due dates, told Time Magazine in response to all this that based on the current research, there isn’t enough evidence to suggest a fetus feels sensations such as pleasure when they are as young as 15 weeks old. He said, “My reading of the data concerning human fetal nerve and brain development suggest that fetuses prior to about 24 weeks are not able to feel pain or pleasure. While I certainly respect Representative Dr. Burgess’ remarks concerning his observations about fetuses prior to 20 weeks gestation, I would have a difficult time personally agreeing with them based on my own experience."
Yep. I just (eye roll)......well I suppose I actually prefer Burgess be in politics than be at the end of the stirrups of my gynecologist visit.
And just because this is now playing in my head. Enjoy. And try not to think about masturbating fetuses while rocking out to this great song.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Feminist Camp: No Need To Pack Your Objectifying Bikini

The New York Times had an article yesterday about Feminist Camp for teen girls being held in NYC. During this camp, activities like hiking, lanyard making, tennis, and swimming are obviously not on the itinerary. This week long program aims to prepare young women to go out into the world and do more practical feats, like hold epic filibusters or open a feminist vegetarian restaurant called Bloodroot. (This actually exists in southern CT.)
The program leads these teen girls throughout the city to such summer hot spots as the offices of the non-profit Choices in Childhood to hear a lecture from a doula who counsels women having abortions, to Broadway to see actress Holland Taylor in the play "Ann" about former Texas Governor Ann Richards (who, by the way, it is noted in the article these budding feminists had never previously heard of), the Brooklyn Museum's Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art, and met with a group of activists from SPARK who seek to end objectification of girls and women in pop culture.
Now, while all of that does sound very......enriching, it doesn't seem very fun. Does it make me an anti-feminist to admit that I would rather be spending my summer at the beach-wearing an objectifying bikini?
I think this is the problem with feminism-it tends to take itself so seriously. 
And it shouldn't. That's part of the charm that I perceive with many gay rights activist, there is a tongue in cheek sense of humor and a sparkling trail of glitter to all their efforts. But many feminists approach everything with this somber intensity. Maybe it is the fallout from the fatigue and frustration of years of suffering and fighting for equal rights. But why do feminists get such a bad rep as exaggerated caricatures? Probably for exactly this reason. Seriously, what teenage girl wants to spend a hot, beautiful summer day in a museum looking at feminist art followed by intense discussion and debate? And kudos to the seven girls enrolled in this camp.
I guess we have to question what makes a feminist. I absolutely am a feminist and in my definition, a feminist is any woman who thinks herself to be an equal and who challenges herself and those around her to make the world a better place-not just for other women, but for everyone. Like Hilary Clinton. Tina Fey.....So by this definition, do we really need Feminist Camp to prep the young female minds of tomorrow or is this camp encouraging young women to yes, become activists, but ones who think to be taken seriously they must take themselves far too seriously.
The young women enrolled in this camp feel this experience is very important because, as they explained to The Times, they feel that women's rights have taken a back seat to gay rights. (Must be that glitter.) One young woman was quoted as explaining, "I have friends who are very religious and they’re pro-gay, but not pro-choice." The feminist campers feel this program offers them a valuable forum to learn how to become a strong female voice in gender issues. Ok. But if you are going to Feminist Camp, like this concerned, young Wendy Davis wannabe, chances are, you already are a raging feminist! So, yes, maybe we do need Feminist Camp, because I do love that we are prepping the next generation of Hilary Clintons, but, I propose it should be attended by young, male republicans. I think that's what would really help with the feminist cause in the future. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Put Down That Gin Miss Hannigan And Get Inspired

This past week I have been thinking a lot about kids because I've been teaching a ballet and art summer day camp for kids ages 3-6. Spending a day with kids in tutus skipping and twirling and gluing feathers and glitter to everything makes you desperate for an evening drink. Not even wine-really you have turn to the hard stuff to recuperate. I've been into gin-channeling Miss Hannigan. Seriously. I found myself constantly muttering "little girls, little girls, everywhere I turn I can see them."
But, even while bathing in a tub of gin, I have to admit that kids are pretty spectacular because of how creative and free they are. During our art projects over the past week, I have marveled at the choices these young kids make. Colors that I would never put together, lines drawn in a seemingly random pattern creating incredible abstract works that surpass most stuff I have seen at MOMA.
Maybe it is the freedom they have. They really are free of influence, free of that horribly inhibiting fear of being judged, free of expectations. Each little mind is just approaching the task with such clarity and an unbridled desire to just create what is in their own imagination. You learn so much about how to be creative and happy by just watching a four year old draw with a crayon.
And then I saw this article in the UK's Daily Mail about an autistic three year old to whom art is her connection to the world and I was so moved and even more inspired. It helped me remember why I love teaching and sharing my love of the arts so much. Art-whether it is dancing, or singing, or painting, or writing-is so important for the soul and such an amazing way to express ourselves. And for kids like this young Iris Halmshaw, it is even more amazing since she is autistic and so withdrawn she does not even speak.
Iris' mom discovered her love of art while working to engage with positive play with her at home and after seeing how much she enjoyed it, began buying her supplies to encourage her. After completing her first painting, entitled "Patience," Iris' mom posted the painting on facebook and, to her surprise, people began contacting her asking to purchase it.
Looking at Iris' work, it's no surprise. The use of pastel colors is stunning and there is an impressionistic vibe similar to a Monet but with splatter techniques that recall Jackson Pollock. Amazingly, each painting truly does have a style that stays consistent. I went to college with art majors who couldn't even create such unique voice with a consistent tone through their paintings.
And unlike those art students I knew and many artists I know now, Iris has done what they just can't seem to do--she has managed to create work that is selling and in demand. She has sold her first work "Patience" to a colleague of her mother's who greatly cherishes it. And she has work that will be in an exhibit for emerging London artists, and has contributed a print of her work to charity auction for a Yoga center for children with special needs which sold for over $1200.
In the past four months, she has created 35 works. Each painting takes her anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks. In November, the family will hold an exhibition of her creations followed by an auction which will raise money to cover the costs of Iris' care. And her mother also notes, that beyond all her success, "since she started to paint, her mood has lifted; her communication has improved; she is saying more and more words and she has started to enjoy making eye contact."
So amazing and inspiring to get out there. Create. Unleash that unbridled inner child who just needs to express themselves. And I'm not talking about just slapping a toaster filter on the cell phone picture of your cat to instagram it.
Yep, instead of mixing that cocktail, I'm now wildly inspired to mix some paint.

After These Messages I'll Be Right Back

I took a hiatus from blogging for the past month or so as I was busy with a show and my general plans of world domination. Also, I was working on selecting my summer jam and mixing my perfect summer cocktail.
But fear not, I am back to keep it classy and serve your cheeze and whine........